Softly Awaken
by Jayta
Summary: CHAPTER 31 IS UP! Chances taken?
1. Default Chapter

Softly Awaken

*****

Much dreaming and many words are meaningless

                       Ecc. 5:7

*****

Jing Mei had just finished her rounds for the evening and strolled towards the L.  A lot had happened in the past few weeks.  Carter and Abby had finally become an '_item'_ and again the ER was getting an overhaul in doctors.  There were so many personnel changes, Jing Mei wondered if it wasn't a merry-go-round instead of a hospital.

The changes were unwittingly getting to her.  Jing Mei had been losing sleep and having a hard time focusing.  It surprised Jing Mei how much seeing Carter and Abby's public displays of affection irritated her.  Jing Mei just chalked it up to the fact that she had one less friend, but it seemed to be more than that.

Jing Mei slumped against the window seat of a deserted L train.  The more she tried to explain it away, the less satisfied Jing Mei was with the answer.  It had even gotten to the point where Jing Mei found herself imagining a conversation with John about all of it.

Jing Mei rubbed her creased forehead.  _Who are you kidding?  You don't even see your best friend anymore.  If that's what he is._

*****

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires

                       Ecc. 5:7

*****

John had been on cloud nine for the past couple of weeks.  Ever since he and Abby kissed in the trauma room, things had seemed to be going his way.  He was even able to put up with Dr. 'Enema' Pratt.  John didn't see how anything could go wrong.

"Hey John!" Abby called.

John slinked behind the nurse's station.  "Yeah, what's up?" John smiled.  It was all he could do to keep his hands off his girlfriend.  _Girlfriend._  That had been a word he'd been waiting to say, a long time and coming.

"Are you still up for supper?"  Abby smiled, tugging on his lab coat.

John nodded.  "Definitely," he replied, sneaking a quick kiss.

Abby wagged her finger.  "John, bad!  Save that for _tonight_."

John watched Abby walk down the hallway.  He scratched his head and went to exam 2.  John was sure he had a big grin plastered on his face.

~~~

As John was grabbing his stuff from his locker, Luka walked into the staff room.  There was an awkward silence.  Luka had been unusually quiet in the light of Carter and Abby's new relationship.  "Hey," John mumbled, hoping to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Luka nodded as he stripped off his coat.  "Hey Carter," Luka mumbled.

John looked up at the dark Croatian doctor.  "Yeah?"

"Is Abby still drinking?" Luka inquired.

John looked up at him suspiciously.  "Not that I know of.  She's stopped since we've been dating.  Why?"

Luka seemed to debate whether or not to continue on.  "Well, I was re-thinking what you were saying, and I agree that she has a _problem_."

John frowned.  "Great.  But what does this matter now?  I just told you she isn't drinking anymore," John explained.

Luka slipped on his lab coat and sighed.  "Well I was looking into AA and have been asking around and I don't think she has."

John was astonished.  "Where do you get off?  Huh?  Just because you're jealous that _I'm_ dating Abby now and that she's happy enough not to need a drink, you have to stick your nose in it all?  Where were you when she _was _drinking at _your_ apartment?" John shouted_._

Luka shook his head.  "That's not what I'm doing," Luka denied, slipping his stethoscope around his neck.  "I mean, isn't this…well, you know, addiction, well a disease?"

John rubbed his neck.  "Yeah so?" John replied angrily.

"So doesn't her drinking, have _nothing_ to do with _her_ being _happy_?  It's an addiction right?" Luka challenged.

John glared at the pathetic ex.  John shrugged.  "And?"

"_And_," Luka continued, "So just because she's '_happy'_ in her relationship with you, it doesn't mean it's a reason for her to stop!  I mean, she thinks it's under control and can stop at anytime.  She doesn't think it's a problem.  Just like you said."

John had had just about enough of the 'Abby analysis'.  "Get to the point!" John sighed, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

"I'm saying that you were _right_.  And she needs someone to talk to her about it.  She needs a _friend_!" Luka cried out exasperated.

John shook his head incredulously.  "And _you're _that friend?  Give it up _Luka_.  I almost bought it.  But she dropped your sorry butt.  Get over it!"

And John stalked out of the room without listening to another word from the arrogant doctor.

~~~

Abby snuggled close to John, as they lay on her apartment couch after horrible Chinese takeout.  John suggested Doc Magoo's, but Abby craved Chinese.  Even though it was horrible food, John was still happy to have Abby finally in his arms.

"Abby," John whispered.

"Hmmm?" Abby mumbled, lifting her head from his chest.

"You've stopped drinking right?" John asked non-chalantly.

Abby frowned.  "Why are you asking?"

Abby pulled herself from his arms and sat up.  John followed suit and cleared his throat.  "Well, I got thinking that the kiss happened and then we got together, you know and we didn't sort out the whole drinking thing."

John was reluctant about the whole subject, but what Luka has said had been bugging him the whole night.  _Luka was wrong.  Abby was fine.  Now that she realized whom she belonged with._

"_My_ drinking?  Come on John.  Have you seen me drinking?" Abby asked incredulously.

John slowly shook his head.  "No," John replied.  "But Abby, you were drinking for a reason and as an addict, we just don't stop when we _want_ to."

Abby seemed quite put off, despite the smile that ingratiated her face.  "It's different for me John.  I mean drugs are a whole different ball game if you ask me.  Besides, I drank one or two beers a few weeks ago.  I was dealing with a lot of stress."

John didn't like the sounds of what he was hearing.  "_And_ I'm with you now John.  I'm happier than I've ever been.  The stress is gone and I don't need a drink," Abby chided, kissing John on the lips.

John pulled away.  "You know as well as I do what AA has to say about that," John responded stiffly.

"Oh John, stop it," Abby laughed.  "Why are you worrying so much?  I haven't taken a drink since I've been at Luka's.  Maybe _he_ was the reason."

John reeled from that comment.  He didn't like Luka or the fact that he hadn't stopped Abby from drinking, but _he_ was _not_ the reason Abby drank.  John began to protest, when Abby began nibbling on his earlobe.  John began to melt as Abby plied him with kisses.  "You _promise_ you've been clean since we kissed?" John asked.

Abby smiled slyly.  "Yes John.  Stop being such a _Mom_ and kiss me!" Abby laughed and pulled him into a deep kiss.

John's mind was overwhelmed by his need for Abby.  His want for her pushed Luka's objections straight out of his mind.

_He was just jealous!  That's all!  It was Carter and Abby's time.  They were right for each other._

~~~

Abby hummed down the hallway when she ran into Luka.  "Sorry," Abby laughed.

Luka looked at the joyful Abby and shook his head, intending to walk away.

"Hey," Abby smiled, grabbing his elbow.  "Is something wrong?"

Luka looked at this woman who'd lied to him, or at least hadn't told him the truth about his drinking.  Now it was too late to say anything.  _Or was it_?

"Abby, you've got to talk to your sponsor, or someone!" Luka pleaded.

Abby was taken aback.  "What?" she scoffed, looking around to see if anyone had heard him.

"You heard me!" Luka exclaimed.  "You need help."

Abby tilted her head and laughed.  "You're joking right?  I mean, you helped me tell John about _this_ not being a problem."

Luka shook his head.  "Abby, I've read up on alcoholism.  I know a little more than I did before.  And I have to say John is right.  It's not _all_ right for you to _just_ have _one_ drink.  And you know it."

Abby bit her lip and shook her head.  "Give me a break.  I'm fine.  And _I'm _not drinking."

Luka rubbed the back of his neck.  _How was he supposed to get through to her?_  "Abby, I care for you.  And speaking to a lot of AA people has made me realize that _you're _not okay."

Clearing her throat, Abby sighed.  "Whatever Luka.  If you're upset with me for some reason, you don't have to throw drinking in my face."

Luka grabbed hold of her shoulders.  "I'm not doing this to hurt you.  Don't you realize that?  I love you Abby and it's taken _John_ to make me realize how much and I can't watch you lie to yourself and self-destruct.  You've gotten through so much already.  And now you're just going to hurt yourself after all of that?"

Abby pulled away.  "_Don't_!  You're so…so," Abby was at a loss for words.  "Just leave it Luka.  I'm _fine_."__

He felt frustrated and helpless; a feeling not exactly new to him.  "No Abby," Luka whispered.  "Not this time."

~~~

Jing Mei ran into Abby during the middle of her shift.  Actually it was Luka and Abby and they seemed to be arguing.  Luka walked away from Abby and she was left standing in the middle of the corridor.

"Abby, are you all right?" Jing Mei asked.

Abby seemed startled and then recovered quickly with a smile.  "Uh, yeah…no.  I'll be fine."

Jing Mei looked at her skeptically.  "Okay," Jing Mei drawled.

Abby looked at her watch.  "I've got to get upstairs.  OB needs help today.  Excuse me," Abby sputtered as she walked in the opposite direction than Luka.

"Uh, bye?" Jing Mei scoffed.

***

"Hey John!" Jing Mei called as she came down the stairs.

John looked over to see Jing Mei come down the stairs.  "Yeah, what's up Deb?"

Jing Mei walked along side John as he began heading towards the nurse's station.  "Is there something wrong with Abby today?"

John frowned and shook his head.  "No.  Why?"

Jing Mei bit her lip.  _She probably shouldn't mention it_.  "I shouldn't probably butt in, but I just saw her with Luka and they were arguing and then afterwards she seemed distracted," Jing Mei explained.

John shook his head.  "Oh," he sighed.  Then John seemed equally upset and distracted.

"John?  What's going on?"

John scratched his head and seemed hesitant to say anything.  After a minute, John pulled Jing Mei aside.  "Do you promise not to say anything?"

Jing Mei nodded.  With that promise, John grabbed a chart and began walking down the hallway.  "Luka's been hassling Abby and me."

Jing Mei frowned.  "Are you joking?  I can't believe he'd bring that to the ER."

John shook his head.  "No, not about me and Abby."

Jing Mei was confused.  "Then about what?" she asked.

They stopped in front of trauma 2.  John checked for staff, but it was empty.  "Abby's been drinking," John explained as he motioned her to follow him.

"So?" Jing Mei shrugged.  "What's the big deal?"

John swallowed.  "Abby's an alcoholic."

Jing Mei felt her eyes widen in acknowledgement.  "Oh."

John nodded his head.  "Yeah oh," he sighed, running his hand through his hair.  "I found out she'd been drinking when she was staying at Luka's.  And so I ragged on him about doing something about it, but Luka didn't see it as a problem and neither did Abby."

"So you two are planning to intervene now?" Jing Mei inquired.

The whole situation surprised Jing Mei.  She'd always thought about Abby as a strong woman, especially after watching her go through her mother's manic depression.

John shook his head.  "No.  See Abby's stopped drinking."

"Really?"  Jing Mei said happily.  "How?  Did you talk to her, or her AA sponsor?"

John shook his head again.  "No.  She just seemed to stop, which is where Luka has a problem."

Jing Mei nodded.  "Yeah, what?"

"Well Luka thinks '_a friend'_ should talk to her about it."

Jing Mei didn't see the problem.  "So find someone to talk to her about it.  Or maybe you could?" Jing Mei suggested.

"Well, I don't think she needs it.  We've sort of talked about it, and she's fine.  She hasn't had a drink since the small pox incident.  Besides, Luka even said she would ever only drink one or two beers," John explained.

Jing Mei laughed.  "John you _know_ it doesn't work like that.  She's an addict.  Addicts don't just take one drink."

John pursed his lips and smiled.  "It's not like that.  Anyway, Luka just wants an excuse to break us up.  He's jealous!" John retorted.

Jing Mei shook _her head _this time.  "What a load of crap!  John, Luka is not doing that!"

"And _you're_ so sure?" John exclaimed.

Jing Mei couldn't believe John was in denial about all of it.  "Yes John.  Luka cares for Abby and it sounds like _you_ convinced him there was a problem."

"But there isn't one anymore.  She was stressed out and took a drink.  But now she's happy and isn't."

"John," Jing Mei sighed.  "Are you so sure?  Or are you just running scared that there _is_ a problem and that dating _you_ is a product of her problem?"

John was stunned.  Jing Mei felt like she should regret saying it but truthfully, it made her feel better.  "I think she should talk to her sponsor, or someone.  And _I'm_ not saying that because _I'm_ jealous," Jing Mei stated.

He stepped back from Jing Mei.  "I'd better go check on this patient," John mumbled.

"John think about it.  I'm not saying it's true.  Maybe you and Abby…belong together."  The words left a bad taste in her mouth.  "But shouldn't you talk to her about this.  John…you _know_ it's never _one _drink."

John nodded and left the trauma room.  Jing Mei prayed John would realize it was the right thing to do.  This relationship wasn't worth Abby destroying her life and career, nor John's.


	2. SA2

Softly Awaken

Chapter Two

*****

Reckless words pierce like a sword,

But the tongue of the wise brings healing

                       Prov. 12:17

*****

Luka entered the large gym.  The walls were a dull grey and the floors a putrid green.  In the far-left corner, there was a group of three men huddled around a table with an orange cooler and coffeepot.  "Excuse me?" Luka called out.

An older gentleman dressed in plaid turned and acknowledged the cautious doctor.  "Yes, how can I help you?  I'm Derek."  The man held out his hand.

Luka accepted his welcome.  "Uh, I was wondering if I could talk to someone who's in charge?"

Derek motioned to a group of empty chairs that sat at the other end of the gym.  "What can I do for you?  Our next meeting is in an hour," he informed Luka.

Luka shook his head.  "Uh, no.  Um, I'm just wondering how I can help a friend.  She's an alcoholic."

Derek shook his head.  "There's really not anything _you can do.  It's their choice.  __They are the only one's who can help themselves…Mr.?"_

"Luka," he sputtered.  "You can call me Luka."

Luka sighed and rubbed the overnight stubble that shadowed his chiseled jaw.  "There must be something?  I heard of something called an …_intervention?"_

Derek nodded.  "In some cases an intervention can work.  Does her family and friends agree with you?  Will they join in on the confrontation?" Derek inquired.

Luka didn't know.  He hadn't thought that far ahead.  All he knew was that he had to do something.  "Not really.  Her family doesn't live here and she doesn't really have close friends.  Does it matter that Abby knows she's an alcoholic and she's gone to AA?" Luka asked.

Derek sighed.  "Oh.  I don't know.  It depends on the person.  With Abby it sounds like she's in denial again.  It's kind of hard.  Sometimes when they've been dry for so long, the alcoholic believes that they can handle it.  And the intervention?  I don't know, it's kind of hard to have an intervention with just you and me."

Licking his lips, Luka closed his eyes and sighed.  "Then I don't know.  Let me ask you, can an alcoholic just take _one or two drinks?"_

The AA sponsor wagged his head knowingly.  "I see," he grimaced.  "There _are people who have a stronger sense of will than others.  Some alcoholics can take one drink and be fine, but somewhere down the road something always happens and that one just becomes another and another.  That's why AA drives into the alcoholics that come here that it's a disease.  They know that as much as they'd like to think they're normal and can handle it, it's not up to them.  They are eventually controlled by their overwhelming desire for the alcohol.  Obviously, Abby's forgotten that!"_

Luka couldn't believe he'd never thought about alcoholism in that way.  In his own mind, Luka believed Abby _was strong enough, when he'd finally found out she was an alcoholic.  IN Croatia, they didn't have time to label things like this.  They had greater worries.  But he wasn't in Croatia anymore and Abby __did have a problem with alcohol. N "I think I could find two other people to come.  Would you do it then?"_

Derek stood up.  "I would have done it with just you Luka, I just think it's better if it's more than just _you," Derek stated.  "So here's my card."_

Luka accepted the 2 x 3.5" card.  _Derek Shannon._

"I want to go over a couple of things before this _intervention happens," Derek smiled and shook his hand._

~~~

The water felt good on her face.  After she slipped into her bathrobe, Abby padded into her kitchen and opened the fridge.  _Left over boxes of Chinese food, and a couple of sodas.  'Oh," Abby sighed._

John had left his beer at her apartment.  There were two left.  Abby closed the door.  _No, I shouldn't.  She pulled the collar of her bathrobe up around her chin as she debated whether she should or shouldn't.  _

Hadn't Abby proven to herself and the unknowing Luka that she could drink without getting drunk?

Abby re-opened the door and twisted the cap off the bottle.  After taking a swig, Abby savored the cool liquid as it trickled down her throat.  _She was in control.  Just as she controlled her choices, Abby __was in control of her need for beer.  __Wasn't she?_

Changes had forced Abby to make adjustments in her life.  Looking back on the choices she'd made, Abby felt confident of herself.  She had a great boyfriend, a good job.   She'd made the right changes and choices.

But still, her encounter with Joyce and her boyfriend Brian still left her doubting.  _How could she have let herself get beaten like that?  Should she have even tried to help that woman?  After that, Abby had needed a drink.  She didn't drink right after the incident, so as to know that she was in control.  But a few days after the beatings, Abby __had taken a drink._

When Abby drank those beers, she willfully defied the voice in her head that haunted her.  She would show Brian and herself that she was _stronger than she appeared._

Abby was in control.

~~~

John unlocked the door to Gamma's house.  Jing Mei's comments had stung.  _How could she say those things?  John didn't understand why Jing Mei seemed so negative about Abby._

"John?" Gamma called.

John slung his bag and coat onto a near by chair.  "Yeah Gamma!  It's me!" he answered, searching the downstairs rooms for his grandmother.  "Where are you?"

"I'm in the kitchen dear!" Gamma replied.

As he peered around the corner, John's gaze settled upon a delicate woman wearing a floppy garden hat that hid her face.  "Gamma!" John greeted his grandmother with a kiss.  "Doing some gardening?"

The older matriarch studied her grandson.  "Where were you last night?  I was beside myself when you didn't come home," Gamma chided.

"_Gamma!" John blushed.  "I'm almost 30!  Do I really need to check in with you when I'm not coming home?"_

Gamma looked irritably at John.  "When you are living at your own house and pay the bills and taxes that come with it I will stop nagging.  But while you're living under my roof and have a grandmother who loves you and expects you to come home at night…yes, you will at _least have the decency to phone home!"_

John's head bobbed, feigning some attention to the lecture.  "Yes Gamma!" he laughed.

Suddenly John felt her hand press lightly on his shoulder.  "_Don't patronize me John Truman Carter.  Have the consideration to phone someone.  Stop thinking about yourself and your needs and grow up.  You need to think of others once and a while," Gamma admonished.  "I'd think as a successful doctor you'd realize that!"_

~~~

After John's conversation with Gamma, John felt worse for wear.  _Abby was fine…wasn't she?  He'd been with Abby practically 24/7since they'd become an item.  John hadn't seen her drink, even when he, himself, had the occasional beer._

_Luka was jealous and that was just it.  John wasn't being selfish, he knew Abby.  That was all.  And Jing Mei…Deb…well, he didn't know what her problem was, but that wasn't __his problem.  He and Abby were happy.  They knew each other.  It wasn't a one-night stand like the others.  __This was the woman he was in love with._


	3. SA3

Softly Awaken

Chapter Three

*****

There is a time for everything…

Ecc. 3:1

*****

"Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" Luka hovered over the kitchen counter. He looked at Derek nervously. "Maybe this isn't the right way to help her?" Luka suggested.

He'd been having his doubts during the next few days when Luka had managed to get Abby to come over to his apartment. Actually, she'd asked to come over.

Derek was silent as he shrugged the worries off his shoulders. He flipped to look at a few pages on his clipboard. Luka had managed to compile a few facts and items on Abby for Derek. Now Luka was having second thoughts and he didn't know how to equate those with the strong understanding of what needed to be done.

"You're doing the right think Luka," Jing Mei reassured as she appeared from behind the calm and dimly lit aquarium. "Although I don't think that I'm _exactly_ the best person to volunteer. I mean we don't exactly get along."

In the distance the trio heard the flush of a toilet and the running of water. Down a short dark corridor, a dirty blonde-haired woman appeared, shaking her hands fervently. "You're out of toilet paper Luka…and you need to put a hand towel in the bathroom," Susan informed as she wiped her wet hands down the length of her faded jeans.

"Oh, and Jing Mei, it's a good thing that you're here. I don't know how many times I've done this with Chloe and it's always easier to have some support," she explained. "As if _any_ of this could be easier."

Jing Mei smiled half-heartedly. "I'm just glad I could help," she sighed. "Even though I'm sure Abby will wonder why I even bothered."

Susan smiled sympathetically. "Let me let you in on a little secret guys, "Susan smirked. "No one leading or participating in one of these things will come out with a Ms. Popularity award…or Mr. Popularity for that matter."

Luka felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. "Okay, let's just say this was a bad idea and figure another way to convince her…"

"Convince who of what?" Abby asked curiously.

Luka and the rest of the intervention group were speechless. They hadn't heard the door open and were stunned. Luka rubbed the back of his neck. _Too late._

~~~

Abby fingered the yellow note that Luka had posted on his door, inviting her in. It surprised Abby to find Susan and Dr. Chen in Luka's apartment, along with an older and strangely quiet man.

"I hope I'm not interrupting?" Abby chuckled uneasily. "I just came to pick up those shoes and my toothbrush."

"You did say I could pick them up tonight right?" Abby asked confused. "I'm not making things up or going senile or something?"

The attempt at humor failed. Every instinct told her to leave, but curiosity won out. Besides, she really wanted her good pair of sneakers. Luka nodded, motioning her to go find her lost items. Abby padded across Luka's apartment wearily, keeping somewhat of an eye on her colleagues. During her collection of the misplaced items, Abby caught nervous glances and intense moments between the guests and host. Curiously though, the older stranger appeared quite calm and composed.

When Abby had found her shoes, toothbrush, and a few other small items she'd spotted, Abby moved to leave. Suddenly the stranger stopped her. "Excuse me? What do you think you're doing" Abby glared at the man. "Luka, who is this guy?"

Luka swallowed and introduced Derek. "Derek Shannon, Abby. Abby, Derek Shannon."

The stranger looked at Luka. "You have to decide how much you care about this woman Luka," Derek challenged.

As Abby looked at Susan and then Jing Mei for answers, her fellow colleagues shied away. "Will someone tell me what the heck is going on?" Abby exclaimed.

Finally Luka pulled her to his side. "Abby we're worried about you. I know you think you've got this under control, but we're here for an _intervention_."

His accent seemed to make everything so much more _surreal_. "You're here for a what?" Abby choked. "I have a problem?"

Abby shook her head in disbelief. "Who do you think you are?" Abby laughed. She'd had a beer tonight, but Abby had made sure she'd taken a Tic Tac before coming over. "You told them about it too?"

Abby studied the looks of pity coming from Susan and Dr. Chen's faces. Shaking her head, she laughed to herself. "You really went all out for this Luka…is he the sponsor?" Abby pointed to the grave looking man who had come up along side Luka.

Finally Jing Mei protested. "Luka didn't tell me Abby. Don't put everything on him. He's worried about you and so are we!"

Abby bit her lip. She felt trapped. They had slowly closed ranks until there was no escape. "You guys don't even know what this is about!" Abby cried. "If Luka hadn't opened his big mouth about my drinking, you wouldn't have even cared."

Forcing Jing Mei and Susan aside, Abby headed for the door. "Butt out! Stick your nose somewhere else. I'm not a drunk."

Susan grabbed her upper arm until they were standing nose to nose. "Come on Abby," Susan grimaced, slowly letting go of her grip on Abby. "You went to AA. You've admitted you have a problem."

Abby frowned. "You wouldn't have even known I was a drunk until _Luka_. I mean, I _know_ I'm an alcoholic. I know I can get carried away. But this is not about me. It's about Luka hating the fact that I'm dating John and is using this excuse to put me in my place." Abby took a deep breath and exhaled.

"You know that it's not Abby," Derek challenged. "You're an alcoholic. You've probably been through this before. You know the drill. In fact you know exactly what we're probably going to say, right?"

Abby's gaze fell on the imposing stranger. "What do you know?"

Derek hopped onto Luka's kitchen counter and sighed. "You were an abused child. Neglected, raised by a mother who is bipolar. You've recently gotten divorced and have been consistently been going to AA until a few weeks ago, when you were beaten by an abusive boyfriend, not yours of course…do I need to go on?"

Abby was stunned. He had her autobiography. "Who the hell told you all of that? It's none of your business."

Derek shrugged and motioned Susan and Jing Mei. After that signal, the two women doctors spoke up again. "Abby, you're right. We probably wouldn't have caught you or even cared to see you with a beer. But you know that now we know, we can't just let you self-destruct," Susan stated calmly. "I've just gotten to know you. And I'd like to think we've become close friends. Listen to me. My sister has gone through all of this, with drugs."

Abby licked her lips and exhaled. "Susan, alcohol and drugs are different. Have you seen anything in my work begin to fail or lapse? Have I been stumbling, slurring my speech? No!" Abby exclaimed. "Because I don't drink all the time. I've had a couple of beers, grant it. But that's it!"

She was growing tired of the 'crisis' group. Abby just wanted to go home. Exhausted, she slumped onto the couch, a few feet away, clutching at her bag full of possessions. _Maybe she could phone John? _He would understand.

"Listen to us. I know you haven't come to work drunk or even slightly inebriated, but it's gonna happen Abby!" Jing Mei stated. "We did this, because we didn't want you to have to go through that. You know and understand what being an alcoholic is like. It's not like you're in control."

Abby glared at the well-kept and well-groomed doctor. "Obviously not, when there's an _intervention group_ banging down my door. Can I go guys?"

Luka, who had been standing a few feet back in the shadows, replied, "No."

The room seemed to fade and no one existed except her ex. "What are you wanting from me?" Abby pleaded.

"I want you to admit you're an alcoholic who knows she cannot drink from time to time!" he said somberly.

"Fine. I admit it. Now can I _leave_?" Abby rose to leave.

Luka reached out and lightly pushed her down back onto the couch. "I need you to see that this is for the best. I need you to see that you're not making the most rational choices. When you feel the most in control, is when you're least in control. I know from experience Abby."

Abby looked away. "You don't know what I'm feeling Luka. No idea!"

Luka touched her reddened cheek. "Then tell me," he replied softly.

"Luka," Abby whispered. "I…"

Suddenly the room came back into focus and she was vividly aware of the other people in the room, staring intently at the tender moment. "I gotta go," Abby declared, as she jumped up from the couch and ran out of the apartment.

She didn't stop until the fresh breeze of the fall wind hit her face. 

__

Were they right? All these little voices had been whirling around in her head, saying the same things, but tonight they raged. 

Abby knew that this wasn't some hateful vindictive plot against her, yet part of her just didn't know what to think. 

__

Was she spiraling into some rocky place? A place she swore she'd never go again?


	4. SA4

Softly Awaken

Chapter Four

*****

When I saw, I reflected upon it;

I looked and received instruction eckless words pierce like a sword,

But the tongue of the wise brings healing

                       Prov. 24:32

*****

The air was thick with tension in the ER.  John attended to his patient as he watched Luka stroll by.  A thin veil of bile formed in this throat as the dark brooding doctor, who was thought to be '_just misunderstood' by most of the opposite sex, stopped in the exam area across from him.  His deceiving bedside manner made John grit his teeth._

"I've been losing so much hair and I'm not sure why doctor?" the older patient explained to John.

John turned his attention back to his patient that was holding out a zip-lock bag full of brown hair.  He frowned at the bag and began asking his round of questions.  "Have you been under a lot of stress lately?"

The man shook his head.  "No, I…"

The patient was interrupted by the loud crash of a metal and loud screaming.  "Let me out of here!  I don't need no doctor!" a woman's voice screamed.

John turned around to the exam area across from him where Luka stood over a middle-aged woman, clothed in rags and hair in knots.  He was trying to restrain the obviously drunken woman.  "Nurse!" Luka yelled.

Abby appeared from behind a thin white curtain.  "Yeah?"

Luka paused a moment to look at Abby a moment.  "Could you hold her down while I examine the gash on her head?" he asked.

With an expressionless face, Abby nodded and restrained the patient.  John continued to watch for a moment, and then turned back to his patient.  "Well looking at your chart and after thoroughly examining you, Mr. Martin, it doesn't seem like this is something serious."

The older man looked at John incredulously.  "I'm losing hair by the truck load and you're telling me it's nothing serious!" Mr. Martin scoffed.

John nodded.  "Have you been taking excess vitamins lately?"

He'd speculated it from the beginning.  When he'd first met the patient, John had not stopped hearing how health oriented he was, and how he'd just started up taking vitamin supplements.

John waited for the patient's reply.  "Uh, yes.  Why?"

John smiled reassuringly at the patient.  "I think you need to stop taking all these vitamins."

Mr. Martin shook his head.  "I don't get it.  What has this got to do with vitamins?  They're supposed to be a good thing right?"

John patted the patient on the shoulder and handed him his coat, which was lying on the bed.  "But in reasonable amounts Mr. Martin.  Now I suspect that if you stop taking your vitamins, you should be fine and you'll stop losing chunks of hair."

Mr. Martin shook John's hand and thanked him as he went home.

John peered over to the exam area Luka and Abby were working in.  She seemed to be holding her own.

A few nights ago, Abby had walked been waiting on his front steps as he'd just gotten off work that evening in the ER.  She was upset and angry.  As the details of the night's event's were explained, John couldn't believe that Luka had the audacity to arrange such a meeting.

"So what happened?" John asked as he led her into his house.

Abby shrugged.  "I listened.  I had to."

John didn't know what to say.  Part of him felt it was his fault.  He'd started the whole thing.  John had been the one to press Abby about the drinking in front of Luka.  Now the Croatian doctor was obsessed.  "Do you think anything they said was true?" John asked.

"Do you?" Abby retorted as she slumped onto the expensive flowery loveseat in the living room.

John swallowed.  "I don't know."

Abby ran her hands through her hair.  "Neither do I John.  I mean, I'm an alcoholic.  I'm not denying that.  But I haven't gotten drunk since I started AA five years ago."

John nodded.  "I understand," he cooed softly in her ear.

Abby buried her head in his shoulder.  "John, what if they're right?" she whispered.  "How can I be so stupid?  I should know better than to drink."

Silence filled the room with a comforting understanding.  Finally after a few minutes, John pulled Abby up from his shoulder and looked into her chestnut eyes.  "If you're saying what I think you're saying…"

John didn't finish his thought.  Abby sighed and looked helplessly at him.  "I don't know what I'm saying John."

He smiled half-heartedly.  "We don't have to talk about it now, you know?"

Abby nodded.  Then she kissed him lightly on his lips.  The warmth of her lips left a tingling sensation.  But then abruptly, Abby stood up from the loveseat and looked down at John.  "I think I need a _meeting."_

It was out of nowhere, but John saw that it was a desperate need.  _She needed to figure things out._

"Carter!" Abby called from behind the admin desk.

Abby's voice brought him back to the present.  And her smile was enough to wipe the somber look off of John's face.  "Hey there!"  John waggled his eyes suggestively.

Abby hit him on the arm.  "What are you doing for supper?" Abby asked.

John sighed.  "I've got supper with Gamma tonight.  She insisted that I at least spend one night talking to her about 'what's happening in your life'."  John tried to imitate his Gamma's stern gaze and voice.

Abby laughed.  "Okay.  Well, maybe tomorrow?"

John nodded.  "Sounds like a date!" he winked.

~~~

Jing Mei wandered through the mall aimlessly.  It had been her day off and she'd been glad of it.  Though John hadn't ignored her completely, Jing Mei knew he'd been upset with her for agreeing with Luka's _'intervention'._

"Jing Mei?" Susan called.

Jing Mei looked around for the face that belonged to the familiar voice.  "Susan?" Jing Mei called.

She felt a tap on her shoulder and as she turned around, Jing Mei saw Dr. Lewis standing before her.  "What are you doing here?" Jing Mei exclaimed.

"Oh, just had to run a few errands before my shift tonight."

Jing Mei nodded her head.  "Oh."

Jing Mei had never really spoken to Susan much except in the ER.  It was weird for her to see her in anything but a lab coat and stethoscope.  There was an awkward silence that hung in between them as the chatter and sounds of the mall surrounded them.

"So, uh, have you talked with Abby or Carter lately?" Susan asked, breaking the silence.

Jing Mei shook her head.  "No.  I don't think John's speaking to me right now," she sighed.

Susan exhaled.  "Yeah.  Same here."

Jing Mei bit her lip.  "Do you think we got through to Abby in anyway?"

She'd felt like the intervention was all for nothing, except to distance herself even more from her best friend.  Jing Mei shifted a shopping bag from one hand to the other.  "I feel like the two of them are acting like we're ganging up on them."

Susan scratched her head.  "Yeah, well, I can't blame them.  We haven't been too supportive about their relationship," Susan pointed out.

Jing Mei protested.  "I don't think we've been attacking the both of them.  I mean, the whole point is Abby and if she's all right.  I mean she's working in the ER for pete's sake."

Susan tilted her head.  "Well, even I have to say it though, Carter seems more upset about it than Abby does.  Actually, I've talked to Abby, and she's okay with it.  I don't know if she agrees, but she doesn't hold it against us."

Suddenly a quiet beep began echoing through the mall.  Both Jing Mei and Susan checked their beeper.  "It's mine!" Susan chuckled.  "I gotta go.  You on tomorrow?"

Jing Mei nodded.  "Yup.  For the rest of the week."

The two ER doctors parted company and headed off in their separate directions.

~ * ~

Jing Mei walked into the ER that morning feeling a little more cheerful than she'd been for the past week.  John wasn't working that morning and neither was Abby.  She wouldn't have to worry about being '_professional' around either of them, and experience the cold chill of their gaze._

As she opened her locker, Jing Mei sighed and began her ritual of donning the lab coat and stethoscope, giving herself a pep talk to last her through the morning.  "It's going to be a good day…"Jing Mei mumbled to herself when she suddenly realized someone was snickering at her from behind.

Turning around, Jing Mei found herself face to face with John.  "John," Jing Mei gasped in surprise.

"Deb."

His face transformed from one of amusement to sulleness.  John took off his coat and stuffed it into his locker.  "Talking to yourself?"

Jing Mei blushed.  '_How embarrassing,' Jing Mei thought to herself.  "Uh, yeah," she stammered.  "So you talking to me now?"_

John frowned.  "I never said I _wasn't," he said curtly._

It was Jing Mei's turn to frown.  "If you weren't, you were doing a very good _imitation," Jing Mei retorted._

John's eyes rolled into the back of his head.  "Whatever you say!"

He began heading towards the door.  "John, wait!"

Jing Mei ran to catch up to him as he walked into the hallway.  "I didn't mean…wait.  Can we start over again?" she sighed.

John walked over to the nurse's station and picked up a chart.  "Fine.  Sure."  He paused a moment and put on a huge plastic smile.  "Deb!  Funny seeing you here!"

Jing Mei rolled her eyes and sighed exasperatedly.  "Fine.  If you want to be immature about this," Jing Mei mumbled as she grabbed a chart and headed toward Exam One.

Suddenly she was pulled back lightly, to a slow crawl.  "_Deb," John groaned.  "Look, sorry.  I just am having a hard time getting over what you guys did to Abby."_

Jing Mei licked her lips.  "Listen John, I didn't know it would upset you that much," she answered candidly as she approached her first patient of the day.

John scratched his head in a ritual, almost subconscious level, revealing his disbelief and displeasure.  "Well, it didn't seem that way to me.  I think you knew exactly how I felt."

Then abruptly, Jing Mei stopped walking and turned and faced John.  "Maybe I did know how you might react, but maybe _also_ John."  Jing Mei paused a moment to collect her thoughts and control the emotions that overwhelmed her.  "_Maybe_ I care about someone who is hurting themselves in an attempt to deny everything that they are feeling and are faced with."

Jing Mei didn't know if that was for his benefit or hers.  She'd been dealing with a lot of unusual emotions lately, since the small pox incident.  And lately, Jing Mei had been feeling a little less genial towards John and his little fantasies and his not-so-hidden love affair with Abby, not that she returned her feelings – until now.

John grabbed her hand.  "Look, I'm sorry if I've been acting like you guys are just doing this just to hurt me or Abby."

Jing Mei placed her pen behind her ear and hugged the patient chart to her chest.  "I'm listening."

John pursed his lips.  "But I'm not saying that _Luka_ isn't, although I don't think he's doing this _just_ because I'm dating Abby now.  Look, you and Susan aren't even in this whole situation and I'm just angry that Luka even dragged you into this _feud_."

"Dr. Chen?" Wendy called from behind the exam curtain.

Jing Mei waved at her, letting the nurse know that she was coming.  "Look John.  If Abby's really okay, which, too me, doesn't seem to be the case, then fine.  I'm sorry.  But if she's not and she's just beginning to spiral out of control, then you've got to let this go.  I don't care what reason Luka's doing this for.  And for your information," Jing Mei cocked her eyebrow and smirked.  "I don't think it's just because of you."

John shrugged. 

"I _do_ however think he does care for Abby and I think you should let him try to help instead of pitting him and the rest of us against you and Abby.  It's not a war or a game John."  Jing Mei grinned tugging on his tie.  "You're not a white knight in shining armor John.  And Abby's not the weak damsel in distress.  Although I guess you always did like the type."

Jing Mei walked away towards the exam curtain.  She hoped John would realize that working together and helping Abby was the best thing.  Abby would have to realize she still had a problem and that allowing herself some leeway would not be the wisest choice.

She looked back for a second at John.  Jing Mei didn't want to lose him as a friend and the possibility of being something more.  But this wasn't something she could think about right now.  Not when John seemed to have everything he'd been wishing for in the past year.


	5. SA5

Softly Awaken

Chapter Five

*****

If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation;

 if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, 

which produces in you patient endurance

 of the same sufferings we suffer. 

                       2 Cor. 1:6

*****

Luka walked past the old cathedral for the umpteenth time.  In some ways, he'd felt comfort every time he past the run down building.  It was on his way to the L-train, but lately he'd been driving his supped up car to work, speeding by the old cathedral instead of admiring it on his short stroll.  This day he'd chosen to walk.

As he entered the ER, Luka was overwhelmed by the waves and waves of patients that flooded into the sterile building.  "Can I get a suture in 4?" Luka yelled over to the small group of newbie med students.

It seemed that the medical students were enveloped in the whole process of learning, but never were they there when you needed them.  "Kim!" Luka yelled to the blonde, blue-eyed Southern belle.  "Trauma 2 needs a hand."

All hell seemed to break loose when Weaver disappeared, whether it was because she was off that day, or on one of her 'self-discovery' moments.  John was off that day and everyone else in the ER seemed to be off in their own world.  "Chris, take the history of the patient in exam 3."

Luka silently thanked God that these medical students had enough training to do the simple things.  And today wasn't one of the days to go slowly through every detail and reasoning of the procedures.  He'd keep it simple for them and make it easy for the rest of the staff.

Lately he'd been feeling quite depressed and in need of comfort.  That was why he'd walked to the L that day.  Through the long list of patients that he'd seen, Luka's depression and self-doubt, left reservations in his mind about some of his calls in the ER, but most of all in the choices he'd made lately regarding Abby and relationships.   "Excuse me?" a woman's voice called.

"Yes?" Luka answered.  "What can I do for you?"

His eyes fell upon an older woman, silver hair and blue eyes.  A smile danced on her lips.  "I was, mmm, wondering if you knew where I might find Laney?"

The name didn't seem to strike a chord in Luka's memory.  "Does she work here ma'am?"

The woman shook her head.  "No," she smiled.   Suddenly the older woman seemed to lose her breath and balance.  Luka grabbed her by the arm and slowly guided her to an empty waiting room chair.  "Oh, thank you.  Such a gentleman."

Luka smiled.  "What else is a man to do when such a beautiful woman asks for help?" he winked.

The woman clucked her tongue and waved her hand at Luka.  "Oh, go on now!" she laughed.

Luka kneeled before her and took her pulse.  "Are you feeling all right…?"

The woman's eyes widened.  "Oh, sorry.  My name is Alvira.  But my friends call me Alvie."

Luka nodded.  "Well, do you know if your friend Laney is a patient here?"

The woman shook her head.  "No.  Laney's not sick."

As Luka listened to the elderly woman, he frowned.  "Well, I'm not sure how I can help you, Alvira, isn't it?"

Alvira nodded.  "Yes.  But you can call me Alvie, dear."  Luka smiled as she patted him on the hand.

Suddenly the paramedics came rushing in with a blonde-haired boy, couldn't have been more than 10 years old and shouting out the stats and conditions of the patient.  Luka stood up for a moment.  "Listen Alvie, I am going to have to go now, but I'm going to call a nurse over here to help you all right?"

The silver-haired woman nodded.  "Oh, go right ahead.  You're doing a fine job young man.  You've got a good head on your shoulders.  Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

Luka ran along side the gurney to trauma 1, but he couldn't help but look back curiously at the kind old woman.

***

Dinner with Mama and Babba always left something to be desired.  Jing Mei hated their dinner parties.  Albeit, tonight was _just family_, Jing Mei knew that there had to be some catch.  As she handed her coat to Jane, their maid, Jing Mei felt like she would be enveloped in the massive house that she stood in.

"Jing Mei!" Mrs. Chen called from the staircase.  "I'm so glad you came."

The cordiality of her mother's voice sent chills down her spine.  "How are you Mummy?" Jing Mei asked, forcing a smile on her face.

"Oh, fine.  How about you?  How's work going?"

Jing Mei followed her mother into the kitchen.  "Fine.  Is everyone here yet?"

Mrs. Chen smiled.  "Yes.  You're right on time.  Everyone's sitting in the dining room.  Why don't you go join them while I see if everything is ready to be served in here."

Jing Mei nodded and went obediently into the dining room.  As she entered the oak paneled room, Jing Mei felt like she was 12 and she'd done something to disappoint her family, not that she had.  Everyone was arranged around the oak table just as they'd been for the past 28 odd years.  "Hello everyone," Jing Mei smiled.

"Hey there sis," Stephen smiled as she kissed her on the cheek.  Jing Mei smiled around the family table at her other two brothers, Kevin, and Jason.

Stephen was on her left, placed by her Father, while her Mother would sit on her right.  Kevin and Jason sat across the table from Jing Mei.  "So Jing Mei, what has kept you away for so long?" Mr. Chen asked.

Jing Mei swallowed.  "Oh, I've been busy Daddy.  Working at a hospital will do that for you," she chuckled.

Her Father nodded his head.  "Kevin, Jason, why don't you fill Jing Mei in on what the two of you have been doing?"

The twins smirked at each other.  "Oh, the internet business is going well." Kevin smiled.

"Yeah, we've gone up 5 share points on Wall Street," Jason continued where his twin left off.  "Jing Mei, I told you, you should have invested more in our company!  We've got 15 people working for us now!"

Jing Mei couldn't help but chuckle at her little brothers.  She knew they'd excel in anything they'd put their mind to.  "Well, I guess I should have," Jing Mei smirked.

Stephen, the oldest of the three siblings, squeezed Jing Mei's hand.  "No way," Stephen groaned.  "Jing Mei did the smart thing.  Who could put their money into a company run by you two monkeys?"

Jason and Kevin's jaws both dropped.  "Hey, not funny!" they said in unison.

"The three of you stop playing around," Mrs. Chen chided as she walked into the dining room and found her place at the table.

As dinner was being served, Stephen leaned over to Jing Mei and whispered in her ear.  "Are you doing okay?"

Jing Mei rolled her eyes and whispered back.  "I think I'll survive.  I've done it this long."  Stephen patted her on the hand and went back to the dinner conversation.  

Dinner wound down and the siblings were excused from the table.  "Your Father and I will be in the living room in a minute," Mrs. Chen excused herself and her husband.

Jing Mei wrapped her arm through Stephens'.  "So are you and Jennifer any closer to the big question yet?" Jing Mei coaxed.  Stephen rolled his eyes at his younger sister.  "Yeah, like I'm going to tell you that even if I was?"

Jing Mei pulled back in mock disbelief.  "And _why not_?"

Stephen touched her nose with his index finger.  "Because you haven't even bothered to call in months!  And because you didn't even bother to tell me about the baby and worried about it all by yourself."

Jing Mei bit her lip.  "All right.  I deserve that."

Stephen pulled her onto the outside terrace.  "Jing Mei, how could you not tell me?" he asked sincerely.

Jing Mei closed her eyes and turned her back to her brother.  "Because I know how disappointed you'd be."

She felt her brother's arms wrap round her.  "I would never be disappointed in you."

"Mummy and Daddy sure were."

Stephen turned her around.  "But I'm not Mom and Dad.  They just don't understand.  I don't have a right to judge you.  It's not like I've been the perfect child," Stephen chuckled.

Jing Mei hugged her brother.  He always knew how to make her feel better.  "But you've never had a child out of wedlock have you?" she laughed.

"Well, no.  But that doesn't make me child of the year!"

Jing Mei smiled and hit her brother on the shoulder.  "'Kay, if I promise to call you more often, will you tell me if you're going to ask Jennifer to marry you yet?" Jing Mei offered.

Stephen pretended to mull it over, and then finally gave in.  "All right.  I'll let you know."  Then Jing Mei watched him walk away.  "Hey, you don't get away that easily," Jing Mei yelled, hitting him on the shoulder.

***

The evening went over fairly well; better than Jing Mei had anticipated.  As she and her brothers made their way to their vehicles, Stephen ran over to Jing Mei's side.  "What's the matter?" Jing Mei laughed.

"Hey, just wondering, when you were talking about the alcoholic friend inside, were you talking about John?"

Jing Mei frowned.  "Why?"

Stephen hesitated a moment before saying anything.  "Well, I know you liked him in med school and all."

"What does that have anything to do anything?" Jing Mei asked incredulously.

"Well, I just didn't want you to get hurt.  I mean I know Mom and Dad wouldn't want you getting involved with a former drug addict, now turned alcoholic."

Jing Mei couldn't believe what Stephen was saying.  "Um, for your information, no, it's not John.  And secondly, since when did you care what Mom and Dad think about who we date?"

Stephen pursed his lips.  "I just don't want to see you getting hurt Jing Mei.  He wasn't worth it the first time and he's certainly not worth it now.  From what you've told me before, he's not your type.  Or at least you're not his and that's something I'm grateful for."

Jing Mei shook her head and hit him on the shoulder, hard.  "Ow!" Stephen pouted.

"Listen.  Who I like really is none of your business, 'kay?  And for the record Stephen?  John's seeing someone.  And secondly, you've never even met John!" Jing Mei sighed exasperated.

Stephen put his hands up in surrender.  "All right.  Sorry!" he apologized as he backed up, walking to his car.  When Stephen reached his car and opened the door, he turned around and yelled.  "Hey Jing Mei!"

Jing Mei rolled her eyes and sighed.  "What?"

"You really must have got it bad for this guy!" he laughed jumping into his car and speeding off.

Jing Mei sighed and started her car.  Looking up at the would-be-mansion, Jing Mei frowned.  Stephen was right.  Her parents wouldn't approve of her dating a recovering drug addict anyway.  Even if he was 'rich' and of 'good standing'.  As she drove out of the driveway, Jing Mei shook her head.  She didn't even know why she was thinking about it at all.  John was _dating_ Abby.

~~~

John quickly kissed Abby on the cheek before rising from the couch and going to the kitchen.  "What do you want?  Purple or pink?" he called from the refrigerator.

Abby peered back at the refrigerator, where John was standing holding two Popsicles.  "Um, pink."

"Pink for the lady it is."

Abby smiled and went back to the movie.  "John is everything okay at the ER?"

John plopped down onto the couch putting one arm around Abby and with the other handing her the frozen pink delight.  "Yeah, why?" he asked sucking on his purple Popsicle.

"Well, um, maybe because you can't even stand to look at Luka."

John smiled playfully.  "But that was always the case."

Abby rolled her eyes.  "No.  Really John.  I mean I understand you were upset with them for the intervention, but shouldn't I be the one on a 'no speaking' terms with them?"

John moved his arm from around Abby's shoulder down by his side.  "What can I say?  I don't like it when people pull stuff like that."

Abby sighed.  "But John, it wasn't a bad thing.  It was good."

John swallowed.  "Well, I just don't like the way he went about it.  He involved people from work, and _our_ friends."

"Uh, that's how it works John," Abby chuckled.  "But seriously.  I came out the better for it.  I don't know if it was this horrible mess that they were worried about, but it got me to another meeting."

John nodded.  "Well, you might be able to see it that way, but I don't like how Luka is sticking his nose into our business."

Abby kissed him on the mouth.  "He's a friend Carter.  Just a friend."  Abby opened the plastic wrap, containing her pink Popsicle.

John bit a piece off his Popsicle and frowned.  "I don't know if that's what he thinks he is," John grumbled.

"Hey, stop being so upset and lighten up.  I'm not liking the pouty John Carter."

John continued to pout as he turned to face Abby.  He stuck out his tongue which was purple and made Abby scream as he approached her.  "Pouty am I?"

Abby slapped him away and sprinted towards the bedroom with Carter not far behind.  "You're not getting away that easily!" John joked as he tracked her down.

John lay on top of Abby as she struggled to get away, off the bed.  "Get off me John!" Abby laughed.

"Not until you say that Luka's more pouty!"

Abby frowned.  "I will not," she laughed.

John finally got off of Abby and sat back on the bed.  The two looked at each other and smiled.  "Look John, Luka's just a friend."

John rolled his eyes at that comment.  "A friend that you've slept with."

Abby pursed her lips.  "Whatever John.  I'm not going to pretend we didn't have a relationship together, but hello?"  Abby got off the bed and walked towards the living room.  "Aren't you the one I'm sleeping with now?"

John looked at the beckoning Abby.  "Yes."

Abby continued her way into the living room, towards the couch, with John not too far behind.  She grabbed one half of her Popsicle that was sitting on the coffee table and began sucking on it.  "So what are you complaining about?" Abby coaxed, motioning John to join her with her index finger.

"Not quite sure at this moment," he grumbled.

Abby held out his purple Popsicle.  "You had patience enough to wait for me, and now you've got me."  She held out her pink Popsicle as she took a bite of John's.

John smirked.  "When you're right.  You're right."  John winked and took a bite of her pink Popsicle.

"Now can we finish watching 'What Women Want'?" Abby smiled.

John grabbed and kissed her.  "Whatever you _want_," John growled.


	6. SA6

Softly Awaken

Chapter One

*****

But they do not know   
the thoughts of the Lord ;   
they do not understand his plan,   
he who gathers them like sheaves to the threshing floor.

                       Mic. 4:12

*****

The steady brushing of a straw broom against cement echoed in Luka's ear.  Suddenly the scraping sound stopped.  "How are you today my son?" a man's voice asked.

As Luka turned his head to the right, he realized the man sweeping the front sidewalk of the old cathedral was speaking to him.  "Fine thank you," replied Luka as he continued ahead.  He'd just finished his shift and was ready to drop.

The older man leaned up against the broom handle and smiled wistfully.  "Isn't it a beautiful morning?"

Luka rubbed his neck, sighed and turned around.  "Uh, yes.  Well, I have to be getting home now."  He excused himself and waved his hand goodbye.  Luka continued towards his apartment flat.

The older man called behind him.  "Well feel free to drop by anytime!"

Luka turned back to thank him for the invitation, but as he looked back, Luka found him staring at the dull grey cathedral.  The man had disappeared, and in the place of where he stood was a swirl of leaves from the morning breeze.  Luka shivered and shook his head.  _Had he imagined it? _As he stuffed his hands in his warm wool jacket, Luka continued home for a long needed sleep.

~~~

Abby spent the morning tidying up after her shift.  She'd planned to head over to an AA meeting that afternoon, since she'd been unable to the last night.  Abby felt more secure of herself again -- like she was walking on level ground again.  "Abby!" Susan called.

Looking up from a patient chart, Abby smiled at the chipper woman doctor.  "Yeah?  Whaddya need?  I'm off in," Abby looked at her watch, "5 minutes."

Susan tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  "Oh, well, I was wondering if you were doing something tonight?"

Abby frowned for a moment, trying to recall if she and John had made any plans for the evening.  "Uh, I don't think so.  Why?" asked Abby.

Susan smirked.  "Well," Susan drawled.  "I was thinking that we might go grab a coffee or something?"

Abby bit her lip, "Well, I've got a meeting this afternoon, but if you wanna do it around sevenish I'm up for it."

Susan nodded.  "Sure.  That's great!  I kind of wanted to ask you something."

"Okay.  Does it have to be now?  I kind of have to catch the L."

"Yeah, sure," Susan dismissed lightly.  "It can wait till tonight."

Abby smiled.  "Okay, seven tonight.  Oh, wait!" called Abby as she headed towards the ambulance entrance.  "Where do you wanna meet?"

Susan pondered this for a moment.  "How about Roca Jaks?  It's a new coffee house not to far from South Anthony Ave?  I can pick you up if you're not sure you can find it?" offered Susan.

Abby shook her head.  "No, I'll be fine."

***

"And what has you so uneasy about this relationship?" Dan, the sponser asked.

Abby hated AA.  But Abby also felt some sense of comfort from the dysfunctional group of people.  "I don't.  I'm not.  Not really.  I…do you think that it's too soon?  I mean, I had a relapse and now I'm starting on a new relationship?" Abby asked.

She'd been feeling so comfortable with John, but Abby also felt uneasy.  He seemed to come with so many expectations of her.  Abby didn't know if she could live up to them.  She didn't know if she wanted to.

The small group of three members nodded silently.  "Abby it's good to have a normal relationship," Dan comforted.  "But if you think it's putting additional stress on your life, maybe you do need to slow down.  Have you…_been_ together?"

Abby scratched her head and chuckled.  "Isn't that…well, isn't that private?  I mean, I know you're trying to help, but what has that got to do with anything?"

Jill raised her hand timidly.  "Well, I don't think Dan is trying to pry or anything, but I think that's just an added stress."

"Stress reliever!" Abby joked as she took a sip of her coffee.

The three chuckled.  "What I'm getting at is, well, your relationships are a sign of how you're dealing with your addiction.  If you're doing well with your boyfriend that's great, but if you feel like you need him, or that you're leaning on him…"

Abby understood where he was going with this.  When she'd left rehab, Abby hadn't been able to start a relationship for a year.  It was a condition in the agreement she'd made at the Center.  And then slowly she'd be able to work her way up.  First starting with a plant and then a pet.  Abby didn't have to worry about that back then because she had been married.  Now being divorced, it brought a new reality to how she dealt with her alcoholism.  She needed to be independent, strong in and of herself.  "I…"  She didn't know what to say.  "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

The group nodded in unison.  Abby felt a hand on her shoulder.  Dan had risen from his chair and smiled.  "I'm hear if you need to talk about this anymore.  But if we want to go on to Carrie or Jim," Dan offered the floor to the remaining AA members.

Abby was glad the shining light wasn't on her anymore.  She didn't know how they'd started in on her relationship with John, but Abby was beginning to feel less certain about starting their relationship the way they had.

_Why did everything have to be so complicated?  Nothing ever seemed to turn out right for her_.

~~~

Jing Mei had been running through what Stephen had said to her last night.  They'd been talking on the phone about their problems.  Stephen was searching for a ring at the moment and Jing Mei was having problems with Weaver again.  Jing Mei promised she'd go with him in search of the perfect ring, when Stephen had conveniently mentioned a position opening up in the hospital he happened to be working in.  "_I don't know why you're still there.  You're farther from the family than anyone else.  Besides, who wouldn't want to work in the same hospital as their big brother?"_

She'd been mulling it over during the entirety of her shift, which left her a bit distracted; much to the displeasure of Dr. Weaver.  "Dr. Chen, what are you doing?  You've been walking around this hospital in a daze!  What is your problem?  You're hired to fix patients not chew on that pen of yours.  Now your patient in exam 1 is waiting."

Jing Mei grinned and bore it.  She had enough problems without heaping hot coals on her head.  "I'm sorry Dr. Weaver.  I just was lost in a thought," Jing Mei apologized and headed towards exam 1.

The more the day seemed to wear on, the more Jing Mei truly began considering applying for the position at Mercy Hospital.  It would be nice for her to be able to see her brother almost everyday.  And since she didn't have anything keeping her here…

"Deb!" John called.

Jing Mei turned around and found John jogging towards her with a chart in hand.  "John," greeted Jing Mei stoically.  Things hadn't been repaired in their friendship.  It also didn't help that she never saw him without his sidekick Abby.  "What can I do for you?"

John made a funny face.  "What's with the formalities?" he chuckled.

Jing Mei shrugged and pressed on.  "Is there a problem with a patient or anything?"

John sighed and set his chart down on the admin counter.  "What's wrong?" he asked.

Jing Mei feigned confusion.  "What do you mean?  Nothing's wrong John, now what's your question?"  Her voice was tinged with resentment.  _How could he presume to know anything's wrong with me?_

"Spit it out Deb.  I know something's wrong, I can see it on your face."

Jing Mei looked down at her recent patient chart and threw out lightly, "I'm surprised you noticed."

John rolled his eyes.  "I know I haven't been the greatest friend, but come on," John coaxed.  "I promise I'll be better."

Jing Mei swallowed.  His big round puppy eyes and his little pout made her melt.  _How could she resist_?  "I'm considering applying at Mercy in the spring.  My brother works there now and he said there could be an opening for me."

The look on John's face seemed to say it all for Jing Mei.  It was mute, not even somber.  The idea of her moving didn't quite seem to matter to him.  "Never mind John," sighed Jing Mei.  "It's nothing you have to worry about."

~~~

_Leaving County_?  The thought stunned John.  With Mark gone, John had counted on Deb staying.  He'd just assumed that since the whole debacle with Weaver and Malucci was over, things would settle down and the whole ER would find its rhythm again.  He never imagined losing Deb.  "Sorry?" John snapped out of his thoughts.  "Did you say something?"

Deb looked irritated.  "I said never mind.  Can we just get to your question?  I have a patient in exam 3 waiting for me."

John studied her face.  He'd never seen the look of unhappiness so evident on her face.  She'd always been so hard to read, well, for others.  But even the nurses could read the discontentment on her face.  "Uh, oh, right.  Uh, I've got a woman in 2 with abrasions on her thighs and face and she won't let me examine her.  I was wondering if you could possible take that.  I'll take your one in 3?"  John handed her the chart that was lying on the counter.

Deb nodded.  "Yeah, no problem."  John took the chart that she held out.

She began to walk towards exam 2 when John instinctively reached out and grabbed her arm.  "About Mercy?"

Deb stopped and faced John. "Yeah?"

"Why do you want to work there?  After all the stuff you've endured and held out on, why move now?"

Her eyes lowered, seemingly unable to look at John in the eye.  "Things change John, you of all people know that."  She began to pull away.  "I really should get to the patient in 2.

John nodded.  "Just wait," he sighed.  "Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

Deb stared at John for a moment and then looked away.  "John, there are just some things you can't control.  And for me, this just seems right.  I don't think I belong here at County.  I don't fit in.  Maybe all the bad things that have been happening, are just a wake-up call?  I don't know.  I haven't made my decision yet, but it seems like that's where I'm headed."

John watched her disappear behind curtain 3.  He didn't know why he felt like yelling her to stay, that they needed her here at County.  John could have, but that wasn't his style.  He looked down at in his hand.  Just when things seemed to be under control or going his way, something had to come along and shake things up.


	7. SA7

Softly Awaken

Chapter Seven

*****

The wind blows wherever it pleases. 

You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.

 So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.

                       John 3:8

*****

"So you really think you're leaving County?" asked Gallant.

The medical student had joined Jing Mei in the cafeteria during her lunch break.  They'd been talking about making it through life in County.  She laughed to herself.  Apparently she couldn't.  "Pretty sure," replied Jing Mei.  "So a little advice from a once know-it-all med student?  Realize you don't know it all and listen to the doctors and the _nurses_.  Oh, and also, sometimes it is good to question things."

The dark African American student nodded.  "Yeah, I've had a little taste of that already.  Sometimes there were times when I didn't think I could make it, but Dr. Carter told me I could.  I always got the feeling that the doctors here aren't too keen on med students."

Jing Mei smirked.  "You get used to it.  They have to sift the wheat from the chaff.  Not all the student's learning here will make it out alive, if you know what I mean?"  Jing Mei finished the last bite of her sandwich.  "John's a good teacher.  You can learn a lot from him.  He's got the heart, and that's exactly what you want."

Gallant seemed to ponder on her comments for a moment before taking another spoonful of pudding.  "I heard you were good too.  The nurses talked about when you were a med student here.  What does it take to be a great doctor?"

Jing Mei smiled half-heartedly.  "Well I was a different person back then.  A lot of things have changed.  People have left; new people have taken their places.  I don't know.  But if you want to know my opinion Gallant, from what I've seen, you've got what it takes.  Just don't let the bad stuff kick you down and out.  You were in the military right?"

Gallant nodded.  "Yeah."

Jing Mei patted his hand.  "Take the discipline and the toughness that you learned there and bring it to the ER.  And," she paused and looked over Gallant's shoulder.  "Don't be like _him_."

Gallant frowned.  "Who?"  Gallant began to say something when Dr. Pratt slapped him on the back.  "How's it going beautiful?" Pratt asked arrogantly, directing his greeting to the Asian doctor.

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  "Like I said, you'll do fine if you're not like _him_."  She picked up her tray of empty wrappers and smirked.  "Another pro for Mercy!" Jing Mei mumbled to herself.

Dr. Pratt rubbed the back of his head.  "What?" he asked.

"Never mind Dr. Pratt," replied Gallant, who stifled his laughter.  Jing Mei winked at the somewhat timid medical student as she walked away.  "I'll see ya around Gallant."  And in the background she could hear Pratt questioning Gallant about the meaning of their conversation

**~~~**

Abby sat in the busy coffee shop looking out the second floor window.  It had a wonderful view of the Chicago streets and the street lamps were already burning.  As she pondered about the afternoon meeting, Abby couldn't help but analyze her relationship with John.  She was attracted to him, and he was attentive and caring.  But somehow Abby found her thoughts drifting to Luka.

"Hey!" Susan greeted, holding a large mug of hot chocolate.  "Have you been waiting long?"

Abby smiled and shook her head.  "No.  I've been here a few minutes.  Not long at all."

Susan took a sip of her hot chocolate and licked her upper lip, which had a whip cream mustache.  "Good.  I'm glad.  I was worried I might run late because of a ruptured appendix.  The surgeons were all tied up and we had to take it in the ER."

Abby nodded and took another sip of her cappuccino.  "So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" asked Abby, who had been curious about what Susan wanted to ask her.

Susan smiled sheepishly.  "Oh, uh.  Well," mumbled Susan.  "It's really stupid."  Abby watched Susan nervously tuck a lock of her short blond hair behind her ear.

Abby shook her head.  "I'm sure it's not.  Really.  Now what was it?"

Susan bit her lip and smiled.  "Uh, are you and Luka kind of over?"

The question took Abby by surprise.  "Yeah, why?" frowned Abby.

"Well, I've been getting a vibe from Luka and I wasn't sure if was kosher with you?"

Abby swallowed and raised her eyebrows.  "Well, I…"  She was speechless.  "I'm sure if he likes you then it must be right?"  Abby managed to spit out.

She hadn't thought Luka would move on so soon.  The thought made her heart skip a beat.  Abby pushed those thoughts out of her head.  '_Susan was a great doctor and a good friend.  Why should I have any problems with this?' thought Abby._

"Great!" chirped Susan who seemed relieved.  "I mean, it's not like he's asked me out or anything, but we seem to work well with one another and get along really well.  He's got a great sense of humor.  Kind of dry ya know?"

Abby licked her lips and plastered a smile on her face.  "Oh, yeah, sure.  He's really funny!"

Susan gushed.  "I really have to say that when he did that rendition of _Hamlet_ in Croatian, my god!"  She giggled.  "I can see why you dated him!"

Abby nodded and smiled half-heartedly.  "Uh yeah."

Suddenly Susan's eyes opened wide!  "Oh my gosh!  I'm sorry," Susan apologized.  "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable!  We can change the subject!"  Her face began to flush and Susan hid her face in her hands.

Abby inhaled and smiled.  "No.  Really it's fine!  I mean it's girl talk right?  Why shouldn't I be fine with it?  I've got John who's amazing!  Why shouldn't you go after Luka?"

Abby tried to mean it, but all she could think of was Luka kissing Susan and it made her stomach want to wretch.  _But he's not yours to think about anymore, right?_  Abby sighed and took a big gulp of her lukewarm cappuccino.

**~~~**

Luka walked down the same street as always, but this time, instead of speeding by the old cathedral, Luka stopped and slowed down.  _'__Well feel free to drop by anytime!' _ The older gentleman's voice kept ringing through his head.  Unexpectedly, Luka found his hand pressing against the iron gate barring the path to the church.

As he entered the cathedral he crossed himself, out of habit.  Luka walked to the front of the church.  It had no distinguishing features, except the large cross that sat upon a dusty table.  Everything seemed quite old and either full of cobwebs or covered with dust.  "Hello?" Luka called.  "Anyone here?"

Luka sat down on a nearby pew, close to the alter of the church.  It had been ages since he'd been in a church, other than to attend to the Bishop.  He'd come away from that experienced changed.  Luka didn't know in what way, but he'd felt it.  Gazing at the architecture though, Luka could tell a lot of craftsmanship went into the making of the building

"Oh the winds are a changing!" an Irish brogue echoed through the church.

Luka turned to find a fragile old man, leaning on a cane staring at him.  He had a big smile on his face and his eyes twinkled.  "I dinnae think any ladies came to this church no more!" he continued.  Luka watched the man slowly make his way towards the front of the church.  He rose from the pew to help the man but the gentleman waved him off.  "Oh, I don't need no help.  I have my trusty stick to guide me!"  The old man waved his cane in the air.

Luka motioned for him to sit down in the pew.  "I didn't think there was anyone here." 

The old man nodded.  "Nope.  No one comes round here no more!  Except I, and a few of me other friends," the old man winked at him, which made Luka smile.

"Well it is old, but it looks like it was a great on in its day."

The senior smiled.  "Yes, it was."  He stopped and closed his eyes for a moment and then suddenly he burst out with energy.  He stood up and held out his hand.  "I'm sorry, don't know where me mannas are.  You can call me McGregor."

Luka nodded.  "I'm Luka."  He reached out and took the old man's hand.

"Well, so what are you doing here?  You don't seem like the kind of man who thinks he needs the Lord."  McGregor squinted and then continued.  "Yup, I can tell.  You've lost your faith!"

Luka smiled half-heartedly.  "It's hard having faith sometimes," he sighed as he sat down on the pew.  McGregor joined him, placing his cane on the pew beside him.

"Why's that?"

"Bad things happen; nothing seems right.  Things always change."  Luka tried to hide the cynicism in his voice, but knew the old man could see right through him with his dark brown eyes.

"Well, change is a good thing.  Sometimes it's hard, but in the end, you'll end up with something better," spouted McGregor.

"Well, so far all the changes haven't turned into something better for me," mumbled Luka.

McGregor put his arm around Luka's shoulder and sighed.  "You hafta work with it laddie.  You can't get lemonade without squeezing no lemons!"

Luka shook his head and laughed.  "Right, I forgot that part in the Bible…"

Luka looked beside him to hear the old man's reply, but found no one beside him.  He frowned.  Luka shook his head and rubbed his face.  _What was happening?_

The old Irish man's brogue voice chimed in his head.  _"O the winds are a changing!_"


	8. SA8

Softly Awaken

Chapter Eight

*****

 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time;

 wait till the Lord comes.

 He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness

 and will expose the motives of men's hearts.

 At that time each will receive his praise from God.  

                       1 Cor.4:5

*****

John smiled as he began dressing for the usual boring fundraiser dinner party.  He couldn't keep track of how many dinners his Grams had attended since he'd began living with her.  Too many to keep track of, that was for sure.  He usually hated them, but this night was different because he had his lady on his arm.  John was also excited at formally introducing Abby to his grandmother.  He was sure they'd probably met in the ER, but this time, it would be as his _girlfriend.  No matter how many times he said that, John still received a chill down his spine._

"Johhhhhn!" Grams bellowed.  "Abby is here!"

He double-checked that his tie was straight and bound down the stairs.  His eyes fell on the timid, chestnut-haired woman standing at the bottom of the stairs.  She was wearing a simple black spaghetti-strap dress, which hung, just above her knee.  John swept Abby in his arms and planted a wet kiss on her glossy lips.  Abby blushed when she saw Grams standing in the midst of the couple's display of affection.  "John," she said through clenched teeth and a big smile.  Abby buried her face into John's chest.  "You're embarrassing me!"  She hit him on the chest playfully.

John winked at his date.  '_She was beautiful,' thought John.  "Grams this is my date Abby.  Abby. Grams."_

The older woman cleared her throat and held out her hand.  She smiled stiffly at Abby and then turned to John.  "You may refer to me as Mrs. Carter though, _Abby?  Is that short for anything?  Or did your mother just name you after a nunnery?" Grams inquired dryly._

John grimaced and glared at his Grams for making such a rude comment.  "Oh, John, don't make faces.  I warn you, it'll stick one of these days."

John opened his mouth to reply, but Grams had already begun to make her way to the door.  He shook his head and apologized to Abby.  "I'm sorry, she's always like that with my dates.  For once I'd like to see her _not_ be sarcastic."  John expected to see Abby upset, and her face _was red, but from stifling her laughter.  "Abby?"_

Finally Abby laughed out loud, her eyes followed the older, distinguished woman as she entered the limousine.  "I'm fine John.  Don't worry about it.  It _was_ kind of funny."

John let out a sigh of relief, happy that she wasn't offended.  "Well, are you ready to _hobnob with elite society?" asked John, with a stiff British accent.  Abby shook her head and laughed again.  "__Oh yes my dear sir!" Abby replied, bowing._

John escorted Abby out to the limousine on his arm.  Both tried not to giggle as his Grams looked on in irritation.  "Really, John," Grams chided as the limousine made its way to the hotel.  "If you insist on acting like children, I'd rather have you not come."  He kissed his Grams' cheek and smiled.  "We'll be good.  I promise," offered John.

Grams seemed to lower her eyes, inspecting the duo.  "All right.  You young people just don't know how to behave."

**~~~**

"Stephen you promised me!" Jing Mei pouted as she cradled the receiver on her shoulder.  She took another look at herself in the full-length mirror hanging behind her bedroom door.  "I only bought this ticket because you said you would escort me."

"I'm sorry Jing Mei," chuckled Stephen.  "But you know how hospitals are, don't you?"

Jing Mei rolled her eyes at the reminder.  "I do, but I'd still find a way to keep a _promise_ to your little sister!" growled Jing Mei.  Her hair was in a high French twist and she was wearing a forest green strapless dress.  A thin gold serpentine chain hung loosely against her neck.  Jing Mei smoothed out the wrinkles in the silk dress.

"I'm sorry," Stephen apologized.  "I'll make it up to you I promise!"

Jing Mei pursed her lip.  "Fine, but you better make it big and expensive!" warned Jing Mei.  Suddenly she began to giggle.  "We'd be squared away if you tell me when you're popping the question and how?"  She walked out of her bedroom trying to maintain some balance as she talked on the phone and put on her black pumps.  

Stephen laughed.  "You'll know as soon as the plans are finalized."

Jing Mei raised her brow.  "So it must be pretty big if _plans need to be __finalized," Jing Mei speculated out loud.  She heard her brother sigh, and in the background a voice yelling for '__Dr.Chen'._

"Don't you have a fundraiser to go to?" groaned Stephen.

Jing Mei stopped in her kitchen and opened the fridge.  "I think I might as well just stay home," she sighed.  "All this gorgeous _me and you dump me for a heart transplant.  If you weren't my favorite brother I wouldn't still be speaking to you."_

"You _could still go.  Who knows, maybe you'll meet __Mr.Right tonight," teased Stephen.  "It worked for me and Jennifer!"_

Jing Mei let out a guffaw.  "Yeah, but see things go your way.  Remember I'm the screw up?"  She leaned against the kitchen counter.  "Besides, have you ever met the guys that go to this thing?  They are a bunch of elitist snobs.  They think more of themselves and like to talk about it too."

"Then why did you buy tickets?" asked Stephen.

She licked her lips and blew a black tendril from her face.  "Because you know Mom and Dad will be there.  And they have been after me to come to one of these things for _forever."_

Stephen grunted in understanding.  "Jing Mei go!  You never know!  You might have fun?" coaxed Stephen.  '_Dr. Chen.  Paging Dr. Chen.'  Jing Mei heard the announcement over the receiver.  "Look hun, I gotta go.  I love you.  And have fun tonight.  Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"_

Jing Mei hit the end button on her cordless and stared at it.  "The problem is _would the guys I meet there do anything like that!" mutter Jing Mei._

She stared at her comfy couch and then turned towards the door.  _Hurting feet and being bored at a party with no one I know?  Or a comfy night at home in a pair of sweats?  This is a tough decision._

**~~~**

John took a swig of sparkling cider and leaned on the bar counter as he surveyed the party.  It was a _stuffy party.  By far one of the more boring fundraisers that he'd been too.  And there had been plenty.  Grams had gotten lost amongst her older acquaintances, chit chatting about the weather and family.  Meanwhile, John and Abby had snuck off on their own, to explore the hotel.  They found it interesting spying on guests that were about to check in.  Finally they made their way back to the party and John offered to get some drinks while Abby went to find the ladies room._

As he placed the flute back down for a refill, John noticed a dark figure at the end of the ballroom.  She was tall and elegant.  Her hair was swept up.  John really wouldn't have noticed, but she'd arrived late, much to the attention of most of the guests.  A few gentlemen greeted her at the door and seemed to offer their arms.  John laughed.  The men who arrived at these fundraisers without dates always seemed so pathetic to John.  Then finally two older guests, a man and a woman greeted the woman.  There was something familiar about the trio.

"John?" Abby called.

John turned to his left and saw Abby standing there beside him.  "Hmmm?"

Abby smiled crookedly.  "What's so interesting over there?"  She leaned over the bar counter and ordered a cider.  After receiving the flute of the bubbling liquid, Abby peered over at the small group of the elite making conversation around the mystery woman.  "Who's that?" Abby asked, pointing to the mystery woman with a flute of cider in her hand.

John shrugged.  "I don't know.  She looks familiar though."

Abby snickered.  "Maybe she's an old _girlfriend!"_

Shaking his head, John smirked.  "I don't go for brunettes, or I _didn't before."_

Abby hit him playfully.  Then taking one more look, Abby frowned.  "You know John, I think you're right.  Even I think I know her!"

They both discreetly made their way towards the ballroom entrance.  There was a continuum of chatter, all based on the weather or money.  Finally they were a few feet away from the small group of guest surrounding the mystery woman.  John felt a tap on the shoulder and was turned around and greeted with a bear hug.  "John Carter!  I haven't seen you since you were a med student," an older Asian man grinned.

John frowned.  There was something familiar about him.  "Dr. Chen?" he sputtered, praying that he was right.  The Asian man nodded his head fervently.  "You've got a good memory Mr. Carter."  Dr. Chen paused.  "Or I should call you _Dr. Carter!"_

He was in shock.  John hadn't expected to see the Chens here tonight.  He'd been to many of these functions and ever so often, John might run into Dr. Chen, but not both Dr. Chens.  "John is fine, Dr. Chen," smiled John.  John nodded his head as a greeting to Dr. Chen's counterpart, the other Dr. Chen.  It was confusing to speak to them, or at least it was for them.  He would refer to Deb's father as Dr. Chen, while her mother preferred John calling her Emily. "Emily, you're looking lovely as ever!"  Mrs. Chen blushed at the compliment.

"John, you are as charming as you were in med school."

The two Asian doctors looked over at Abby curiously.  John shook his head.  "Where are my manners, this is my girlfriend Abby."

Emily frowned.  "Didn't I meet your mother at County one night?"

Abby smiled sheepishly and took a sip of her cider.  "Uh, you just might have," sighed Abby.

The two older doctors looked at each other and shrugged.  "Well, I'm glad you came tonight John.  Maybe you can fill us in on how things are with Jing Mei, since she's not quite willing to tell us.  You were close back in medical school weren't you?  I know she's informed us that she might be applying at Mercy."

John became somber at the mention of the change.  Letting out a deep breath, John nodded.  "Yeah, she told me that the other day."

"Well do you know why?  She won't tell us any specifics," Dr. Chen frowned.  "I can't say that I'm not pleased with her decision though.  Things are unstable at County and I'd have to say she'd have a tough time moving up the ladder.  After…"  A waiter interrupted offering a tray of champagne and cider.  John handed Abby a refill on her sparkling cider and took one also for himself.

"Um, Dr. Chen?" John changed the subject.  He felt awkward talking about Deb with her parents -- like he was betraying secrets or something.  "Who was that woman you met at the doors?"

Both Dr. Chen and Emily looked at John puzzled, but then suddenly they looked at each other and laughed.  "Are you talking about Jing Mei?" they said in unison.

It was like they had yelled it from a mountaintop because as soon as her name was mentioned, the elegant figure clad in green appeared from the crowd of doctors, lawyers, and financiers.  "_Mom? Dad?"_


	9. sa9

Softly Awaken

Chapter Nine

*****

It is good for a man to bear the yoke   
while he is young.  

                       Lam. 3: 27

*****

"Mom?  Dad?" Jing Mei called, as she waded through the uninteresting crowd of people.  She knew she shouldn't have come as soon as she stepped pressed the rotating doors of the hotel.  No sooner did she arrive, Jing Mei was surrounded by her work acquaintances, and old friends of her parents.  But the worst of the group were the older, more mature bachelors of the fundraising scene.  "Did you set me up to walk into that wall of people?" groaned Jing Mei.

As she finally reached her parents, Jing Mei was stunned to see Abby and John standing before her.  Jing Mei swallowed uncomfortably.  "Uh, hi John.  _Abby."  She fidgeted with the gold chain that hung around her neck.  __This was definitely another reason why she shouldn't have come._

John smiled and Abby waved her hand in an awkward hello.  "Deb," John chuckled.  "Didn't expect to see you here.  I never guessed you to be a fundraiser groupie."

Jing Mei rolled her eyes and was about to reply, but her mother interrupted.  "You _still call her Deb?  I thought she changed her name __back to Jing Mei?"_

John nodded.  "Yes.  I'm sorry.  I'm just so used to calling her _Deb," coughed John, who caught her eye.  Jing Mei smiled and they shared a brief moment of understanding.  Meanwhile, her parents shook their heads, dismissing it as some childishness._

Finally Jing Mei changed the subject.  "Mom, was there a _reason I needed to come tonight?" _

The older doctor nodded excitedly.  "Yes, Jing Mei."  The older woman looked around the milling crowd surrounding them.  Her eyes lit up, and Jing Mei assumed she found what she was looking for.  Her mother motioned for a tall figure to join them.  _"This is Henry Liang_," announced the female Dr. Carter.

A tall dark Asian man turned around and smiled.  The chandelier candlelight glinted off his glass lenses.  Henry reached out his left hand to greet Jing Mei, while the other held a champagne flute.  "Hello.  You must be Jing Mei.  I've heard so much about you."

Jing Mei smiled politely and could only stifle her desire to pull her hand away as Henry kissed it.  "Hello," said Jing Mei politely, although everything in her wanted to run.

Her mother introduced Henry to John and Abby who were quite interested in the new arrival.  "Henry's a pediatric surgeon at Mercy," explained Mrs. Chen.  "And since Jing Mei is in the process of applying for a position, we thought she should meet some of her potential colleagues."

Jing Mei rolled her eyes as she listened to her mother's schpiel.  It was obviously a ploy to set her up with another one of her mother's eligible Asian doctors, whom Mrs. Chen had always talked so highly of.  Jing Mei didn't quite believe that he just happened to be at one of these fundraisers.  No one ever came without being either blackmailed or dragged.  As Jing Mei gave Henry the once over though, she thought the Asian doctor wouldn't have been so bad, if her mother hadn't been the one to introduce them.

As John, Henry and her father carried on a conversation, Jing Mei watched John's hand snake around Abby's waist.  She closed her eyes and took a swig of her champagne.  This night was getting worse by the minute.  Jing Mei wished Stephen were here.  He'd rescue her from this torment.  Jing Mei smiled and nodded at the appropriate times.  She felt like a Stepford wife, without the husband.  Once and a while John would glance her way and send a reassuring and empathetic smile.  It put a lump in Jing Mei's throat.

Suddenly to the displeasure of her parents, Jing Mei excused herself.  Amidst the crowd, she fought her way to the ladies room.  Once there, Jing Mei let out a loud sigh.  She knew her parents were pleased with the prospect of Jing Mei working at Mercy, but she didn't expect such a surprise at the fundraiser.  Jing Mei laughed to herself.  She wouldn't leave County for Mercy, just because of a guy.  And Jing Mei certainly wouldn't choose Mercy over County for one either.

After catching her breath from receiving unwanted attention and awkward surprises, Jing Mei took one last look at herself in the mirror, reapplied her lipstick and went back into the trenches.  Jing Mei stopped at the bar to get another glass of champagne before she head back into the dreadfully boring conversation, when she felt a tap on her shoulder.  She turned around to find John standing beside her, holding two empty flutes.  "John," Jing Mei sighed.  "Having a _good _time?"

John leaned on the counter as the bartender left to refill the flutes.  "Probably not as good of a time as you _are_," he joked as he motioned towards Henry.

Jing Mei pursed her lips.  "Yeah, you could say that!" Jing Mei said dryly as she raised her eyebrows.  Suddenly Jing Mei felt John studying her as she waited for her champagne.  Nervously she tucked a tendril of hair behind her ear, wishing she'd checked her make up more closely.  Swallowing, Jing Mei smiled and tilted her head towards Abby.  "You two seem to be having a ball."  John grimaced at the pun.  "Pardon the pun," laughed Jing Mei as she observed the crowd of overdressed guests.

An awkward silence fell between them.  Jing Mei bit her lip as she raced to think of something else to say.  Luckily the bartender returned with a bottle of champagne and cider and refilled their flutes.  "Well we'd better get back," Jing Mei said sheepishly.  John nodded and escorted her back to the less-than-interesting group of family and acquaintances.  But before they arrived John quickly whispered into her ear, something that made Jing Mei's heart skip a beat.

**~~~**

"_You look beautiful tonight_," whispered John to Deb just before he reached out to grasp Abby's hand.

He didn't quite know why he'd said it, but it just felt like something that needed to be said.  John kissed Abby on the cheek.  "What did we miss?" John joked.

Abby filled him in on the latest research that Deb's father had been doing on the feasibility of using tissue from an abnormal growth to develop some vaccine for cancer of various types.  Apparently Henry had also been developing his own article along similar lines.  "It's really got some potential," Henry commented.  "Have _you_ gotten into the research field Dr. Carter?"

John shook his head.  "No.  I'm more of a hands-on kind of doctor.  Maybe one day, but working in the ER is a challenge enough for me right at this point."  He looked at Abby who smiled half-heartedly.  She seemed bored and antsy to leave.  John nodded and smiled at Henry.  "I'm sure it's fascinating though."

Unexpectedly though, Mrs. Carter appeared beside Abby.  "Why Emily and David!  How are you?  I haven't seen you at one of these functions in ages," gushed Grams.  "What have you two been up to?"

Dr. and Dr. Chen smiled graciously.  "Work as it is Millicent.  You know how it can be," replied Deb's father.  Grams nodded.  "And who is this stunning couple?" Mrs. Carter inquired, as she pointed to Jing Mei and Henry, who stood to her right.

Emily smiled and pointed to Jing Mei.  "You know Jing Mei, our daughter."  She paused and widened her smile.  "And _this_ is Henry.  A doctor at Mercy."

Grams shook her head.  "Do you mean little shy Deb?  The one who always had her nose in the books and kept John on his toes? Gasped Grams.  "She's grown up to be a fine young woman.  And a _looker _Emily!"  Grams patted Henry's hand.  "You're a lucky man to catch a woman like her!" Grams winked at the timid doctor.

John interrupted his Grams.  "No.  Grams, they _aren't_ dating.  They just _met_ tonight," announced incredulously.  John looked apologetically at Deb who was blushing furiously.  _He wasn't her type anyway_.

Mrs. Carter looked indignant at being corrected in front of her acquaintances, known and unknown.  "No _need _to shout John."   She smiled politely at Deb and Henry.  "Young people these days.  They have no manners."

Deb shook her head.  "That's all right Mrs. Carter.  It was an easy mistake," Jing Mei said dismissively.

Grams nodded and then glared at John.  "You could learn a thing or two from her _again_ John!" chided Grams.  John rolled his eyes as he noticed Deb and Abby stifling their laughter.

"Yes _John_.  You could _learn_ from her," Abby repeated, trying to hold a straight face.

John shook his head.  _How did it become about him?_  He looked over at Deb who was oddly enough, whispering to Henry, who laughed and whispered something back.  John frowned.  _What was that all about?_

**~~~**

Abby couldn't help be a little bored during one of these functions.  She'd accepted John's invitation because she knew that he was excited about introducing her to his grandmother.  Though the reception was less than warm, Abby tried to take in stride.  Abby just thought that the evening might turn out like the last one of these functions, except less, well _criminal_.  

They had begun to have a little fun, watching the guests and even making a couple of jokes at some of their rigid postures, but then she'd gone to the ladies room and things had changed.  Though John paid attention to her, it seemed he was more focused on the mystery woman.  And when it turned out to be Jing Mei, Abby had a twinge of jealously.  Carter didn't really do anything that made Abby feel competitive, but in the back of her mind, she remembered some of the rumor mills going around about the idea that Carter and Jing Mei might make a cute couple.  They'd filled Abby in on the two's competitive med school days and though Abby knew Carter was infatuated with her, some part of her couldn't help feel a little insecure.

"Well, we'd better get going," John sighed, looking down at Abby.  Abby perked up at the idea of blowing the rich self-righteous snobs that inhabited these parties.

"Oh, so soon?" Emily frowned.  "We were just catching up."  Abby watched Jing Mei's mother pat John's arm.  "You could stay a little while longer.  Couldn't you?"

Abby looked up at John, her eyes imploring for them to leave.  John swallowed and shook his head.  "Maybe some other time Emily."

The Drs. Chen smiled graciously and nodded.  "Well, you'll have to come over for supper one evening.  You can even bring your girlfriend," Dr. Chen offered.

Abby secretly felt like rolling her eyes.  _They couldn't even remember her name_.  John nodded and then whispered into his grandmother's ear.  Abby assumed that it was to arrange how they'd be getting home. Abby smiled politely and shook hands with the Chen family as John escorted her from the ballroom.  "Oh my gosh!" exclaimed Abby.  "I never thought we'd get out of there.  Between Dr. Chen and his research, to Henry's _exciting_ life as a pediatric surgeon, I didn't know how much more I could take," laughed Abby.

John undid his bow tie.  "It was interesting that's for sure.  I didn't know the Chen's would be here, let alone Deb," John mumbled.

Abby frowned at the comment.  "Why?  Aren't they part of the elite crowd?  The Chen's are obviously rich.  You could tell by all the jewelry Mrs. Chen was wearing."

Suddenly there was an awkward silence between them.  The observation wasn't as keenly noticed by John apparently.  Abby made a face to herself.  '_Carter was always sensitive when talking about money.  Just like the time she and Susan teased him at the sexual harassment course,' thought Abby._  "So how are we getting home?" asked Abby as she took the initiative to break the silence.  Abby rubbed her arms underneath her lace shawl.  It had cooled off during the evening.

John kissed her neck.  "I told Grams we'd take a taxi and that she could have the limo."  Abby watched John hail a taxi over to the curb.  "After you my _lady._" John smiled and motioned for her to slip into the yellow taxi.  "Thank you," giggled Abby.

~ * ~

As Abby turned the key in the lock of her apartment door, John was gently nibbling on her neck.  "Stop _it_!" giggled Abby.  "That _tickles_."  John followed her into the apartment without so much as a word.  Abby bit her lip as he made himself comfortable on her couch, beckoning her to join him.  She pursed her lips and ran her hands through her shoulder length hair.  Abby wasn't quite in the mood to snuggle.  She just actually wanted to sleep.  But before Abby could have said anything, John had invited himself in.  Not that she hadn't invited him in for the past couple of weeks.  But Abby was just irritated that certain night with his presumption.

Maybe it was the fact that he'd paid more attention to the Chen family and that guy named, _Henry?  But Abby was just exhausted and she wanted to throw her high heel shoes in a corner and curl up on the couch with a good cheesy movie.  "Are you going to come and sit with me?" John asked._

Abby held up her finger, signaling for him to wait for a moment.  "I just want to get changed out of this dress," shouted Abby from her bedroom.  "I'll be just a minute."  While she changed, Abby heard John rattling around in the kitchen and saying something here and there.

"Didn't you feel horrible the way Emily sprung Henry on Deb tonight?" asked John.  "It was horrible in kind of a funny way."

Abby shuffled out of her bedroom into the kitchen with her bathrobe and bunny slippers.  "That's parents!" mumbled Abby.  "At least her parents don't throw fits in front of everyone you know."

John pouted.  "Aw, did Abby feel left out tonight?" John teased, kissing her forehead.

Abby rolled her eyes.  "Well, it's kind of hard to hold any type of conversation when you don't know anyone there."

John tugged her gently to the couch.  "You know Deb!" stated John.

Abby sighed.  "Well, it's kind of hard to hold a conversation with her either.  It's not like we're _best __of __friends or anything."  She watched to see if John caught the dig.  He pulled her onto his lap and started kissing her neck.  __He didn't._

"Well,' said John, his voice muffled as he nibbled on her neck.  "I have to say one thing, she'd definitely make her parents happy if she left Mercy."

Abby frowned.  "When did she actually start thinking about this anyway?" asked Abby, as she sat up and pulled out of John's grasp.  Abby positioned herself next to John on the couch.  "I mean, you obviously knew about it?  I don't think anyone else in the ER does."

John looked curiously at her.  "Why does it matter?" he smirked.  "Are you feeling a little _jealous?"_

Abby opened her mouth, but nothing came out.  She looked at him incredulously.  "I am _not jealous!  I was just wondering why she would tell you?"_

John pulled her close.  "Because we've known each other forever," dismissed John, as he kissed her lips.  "It doesn't matter anyway.  It's not like I could change her mind even if I wanted to."

Abby pulled away.  "Do you want to?"


	10. sa10

Softly Awaken

Chapter Ten

*****

By your endurance you will gain your lives.

                       Luke 21:19 (NAS)

*****

Jing Mei planned to talk with Weaver at the end of her shift that night.  She had pretty much made up her mind about her move to Mercy.  In fact, Henry actually had been a factor in her decision making process.  It turned out Henry was a good friend of Stephens'.  He also had no idea that several nights ago, he would be introduced to a _potential date_.  Jing Mei found a new friend in Henry, something she was sorely lacking these days.  The more she discussed the pros and cons of leaving County for Mercy, the more Jing Mei thought it was the right choice.  She'd have the chance to start over.

As she clocked out, Jing Mei found Kerri at the nurses station.  "Kerri can we talk?" Jing Mei asked.  Kerri frowned and motioned to the piles of charts stacked in front of her.  "Right now?" sighed Kerri.  Jing Mei nodded.  She knew if she didn't do it now, she might chicken out.

Kerri set down the chart in her hand and waited for Jing Mei to begin.  Frank, the admissions clerk sat motionless as he and a few of the RN's seemed quite interested in the two doctors' conversation.  "Can we do this in _private_?" Jing Mei asked.

At this question, Kerri frowned again.  "Okay," she drawled.  "I think trauma 2 is open."  Jing Mei followed Kerri, who limped towards the trauma room.  Kerri stood waiting for her to begin as Jing Mei leaned on the empty gurney.  She seemed impatient about the impending conversation.  "What is it Chen?" groaned Kerri.

Jing Mei bit her bottom lip as she pondered how to exactly break the news.  Finally she just blurted it out.  "I thought you should know that I've applied for an ER position at Mercy."

Silence filled the sanitary trauma room as Jing Mei waited for a reaction from the older doctor.  The red-headed physician seemed stunned and speechless.  Jing Mei ran her hand through her long bangs.  _She needed a trim_.

"Kerri?  Did you hear me?" Jing Mei asked.  "I've applied at Mercy and I've heard that I've got a good chance at the job."

Kerri snapped out of the trance she seemed to have fallen into.  "What do you mean you've applied at Mercy?" exclaimed Kerri.  "You're needed here."

Jing Mei shook her head and chuckled.  "Are you kidding me?  If you looked around lately, County hasn't exactly been the funnest ER for me to work in."

Kerri looked at her in disgust.  "What, are you ditching County because things have been a little unsettled lately?  Are you that shallow?" she asked.  "Well get over it Chen.  We're short on ER doctors with Mark gone and we don't even know when or if Elizabeth's coming back."  Kerri threw her hands up in the air in frustration.  "Can you give us a break?"

Jing Mei pursed her lips and frowned.  "You know Kerri, for your information, I'm not doing this to hurt you or County.  Besides if you were worried about a shortage on staff members, you wouldn't have tried to get rid of me!  So you're getting your wish."  She placed her hands on her hips and studied her former supervisor.  "It's a career move Kerri.  I'm sure you understand that concept don't you?  Anyway, you don't need me here.  All I seem to do is make mistakes, right?  You're better off without me.  John's chief resident now.  You'll be more than fine."

After her little rant, Jing Mei thought she'd made it clear the reasons why she would be leaving.  She thought that would be the end of it.  Jing Mei had given her two weeks notice.  

Removing her glasses from her face, Kerri let them hang from chain that hung around her neck.  "You really are leaving, aren't you?" Kerri sighed heavily, like a weight had been laid on her shoulders.  She seemed to accept Jing Mei's decision.  As Kerri walked toward the trauma doors, she turned around and studied Jing Mei.  "I hope you know that this has nothing to do with yoru ability to work in this ER.  You're fooling yourself if you think you can run away from the things you're too scared to face about yourself.  I think you have the potential to be a _great_ doctor.  _Even Mark thought so_."  Kerri paused for a moment.  "It's too bad you're taking the easy way out."  Without letting Jing Mei respond, Kerri hobbled out of the trauma room.

**~~~******

Luka sat out on the bench just outside the ambulance bay.  He rubbed his eyes, which were weary from the double shift he had just pulled.  Luka's thoughts fell on Abby.  When he had been on the phone with the lab, Luka couldn't help but notice Abby and John whispering to each other in the hallway.  No matter how he tried, Luka couldn't stop thinking about Abby.  Though they had been a casual item, Luka never thought he'd miss her presence in his life this much.  In the first couple of weeks, he thought John and Abby's so-called relationship wouldn't last.  Luka had pictured John realizing that Abby wasn't the same woman he'd managed to put on a pedestal.  '_John's relationships never last very long,'_ Luka had been told by one of the nurses.

It had been a month and a half since the small pox outbreak and the start of a budding romance between Abby and John.  The two didn't seem to show any signs of slowing down.  In fact, Luka saw them together at every turn.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the chilly Fall air.  "Luka?"  Luka opened his eyes expecting to see Abby standing in front of him, just like that first night she had kissed him, right in this very spot.  _But it wasn't her._

~~~Susan sat down beside the thoughtful doctor.  She handed him a hot Styrofoam cup of coffee.  "this should warm you up," she chirped.  Susan felt awkward sitting beside Luka.  She felt like a teenager with a crush.

"How did you find me?" Luka asked, taking a sip of the hot beverage.

Susan shrugged, taking a sip of her own coffee.  "Abby," she replied.

Luka nodded.  "Oh."

Lately she'd thought Luka might have an interest in her.  He'd flirted with her on a number of occasions, given her compliments.  Every sign pointed to the _next step_.  Luka would ask her out.  But in the past few days, Luka seemed distracted.  He didn't seem interested in what was going on in the ER.  Luka would punch in at the start of his shift. and at the end of his shift, punch out.  Susan wasn't quite sure what to make of it.  "So," Susan piped in, breaking the silence that filled the night air.  "You heard Chen is leaving?"

Luka perked up at the new information.  "Really?"  Susan nodded.  "Yeah, she gave her notice to Romano two nights ago.  Though we heard a few nights ago, when apparently Jing Mei talked with Weaver."

Again the silence commenced.  Susan was ready to give up.  She should have known better than to date another County doctor.  Besides, Susan knew the reputation she was getting with the nurses and other staff.  She didn't need to start dating anyway.  '_'_But,' Susan thought, 'it would have been fun.'

"Hey Susan?"  Luka looked at her with his intense dark eyes. 

"Yeah?" she replied.  The sun was about to rise; she could see the orange rays peering behind the city buildings.

"Do you want to go for an early breakfast?"

**~~~**

John had a lot on his mind these days as chief resident and also starting a new relationship.  He didn't quite know where his head was at these days.  John juggled between his career and his love life fairly easily, but a bad turn seemed inevitable.  Then Deb informed him that she'd given County notice.

As he walked down the corridor with a trauma patient and paramedics listing cause and meds they'd administered, but John couldn't stop thinking of ways to persuade Deb to stay.  John wanted her to stay on two levels.  Professionally, because he knew that she was a great doctor, no matter what her past performance had been.  John knew she needed just a little boost of confidence.  And personally, Deb was a friend, one of his best friends.  They'd been through a lot together in the past year.  She'd had a baby, he'd gotten through a drug addiction; things that had unavoidably bonded them together.

"Get me a CT scan and a tox screen," ordered John.  He went on automatic pilot.  John assessed the patient and tubed him.  "He's got internal bleeding and needs to get up to the OR! Stat!"

John followed the patient to the elevator where Dr. Watts, a surgeon took over.  Pulling off the latex gloves, John disposed of his gown and gloves in the trash.  "Hey John!"  His ears perked up at his name.  Even Abby hadn't quite gotten used to using his name in the hospital.  She still referred to him as Carter at work, and even at home sometimes.

He looked up and saw Deb making her way toward him, chart in hand.  Placing a pen behind her ear, Deb matched his stride down the hallway towards the admissions desk.  "I need a consult on a patient in exam 3?"

John nodded.  "Sure."  He followed Deb to exam 3 quietly.  It was odd how much distance had formed in the past couple of months.  "What's up?"  Deb handed him the chart.

"Mr. Candred presents with lack of mobile coordination, unaware of where he is.  He's been here before for a tumor.  I ordered CT scans and it shows no signs of a tumor reoccurrence.  There are hypdense areas in his temporal lobes bilaterally.  Also shows signs of swelling."

John studied the chart for a moment and then took a look at the CT scans.  "Mr. Candred?  I am Dr. Carter."  John introduced himself to the 40-year old male, who seemed disoriented.  "I see you've had radiotherapy in the last few weeks?"  There was no response.  John pulled Deb aside, "I think we need to send him to neurology.  I would have thought there might be a re-growth, but you're right about CT showing a clear slate.  I would have neurology look into this case.  It's more than we can handle right now.  See if we can't get him on a string of anti-inflammatories for the swelling."

Deb nodded.  "Thanks.  Could you wait for a sec?  I've got another question for you."  John watched Deb talk with Haleh about getting Mr. Candred to neurology.  He would miss her.

"Hey!" Abby whispered, poking him on his sides.  "What are you up to?"

John smiled.  "I'm doing a consult for Deb."

Abby glanced over at Deb.  "Oh."  John detected a hint of disappointment.  "Why?" John asked.  She looked back at him and shook her head.  "No reason."

John winked at her as he noticed Deb heading back in their direction.  "I gotta go.  Will I see you tonight?"

Abby shook her head.  "I've got a double shift," she groaned.  "Sorry.  You might as well head home because I know I'll crash when I get to my apartment."

John shrugged and grabbed her hands.  "Are you sure?  I could wait up for you?"

"No," she sighed.  "I think I'll just see you tomorrow."

Just then, Deb interrupted and tugged on John's lab coat.  "Uh, could I borrow him for just a second?"

John could tell Abby was a bit irritated.  "Sure."  She let go of his hand.  "I'll see you tomorrow?"  He nodded and smiled as she walked away.  Turning his attention to Deb, John couldn't help but feel a little happy at Abby's…jealousy?  "What can I do for you?"

Deb frowned.  "I didn't mean to interrupt you two.  I mean, I can ask you this later."

John shook his head.  "I'm off right now.  What about you?"  Deb nodded.  "Yeah, me too."

They began to make their way to the staff lounge.  "Uh, John," Deb seemed to hesitate in what she was about to say.  "Do you have plans?"

He held open the door as Deb walked in.  "No.  Why?  You wanna go for a late supper?" John asked, opening his locker.

Deb smiled.  "That sounds great, but I've got plans with Henry."

John frowned.  He knew she'd been seeing Henry for a few days now.  John was surprised Henry was her type, just from first impressions.  He looked at Deb who was in a great mood, from the big smile plastered on her face.  So pasting a grin on his face, John tried to be supportive as a friend.  "So Henry and you are an item now?  Three dates and you're still going strong," John teased.

Deb stuffed her stethoscope in her locker and hung up her lab coat.  "We _are not_ an item John.  We're just friends.  You know what that is _right_?" retorted Deb.

John slipped a scarf around his neck and pulled on his wool jacket.  "Yes, but friends don't go on _dates_," he replied.  John had heard the nurses giggling over the details of Deb's dates with Henry.  It made him uneasy, almost irritated, for some reason.

Deb pulled her black hair from under the collar of her coat.  "I _never_ said they were dates John.  We were hanging out.  I mean, a girl's gotta have some sort of social life.  Even if it is with a friend."

John shrugged.  "I don't know.  That's not what the nurses say," he chirped.

Deb rolled her eyes and shook her head.  "The nurses like to gossip and exaggerate things.  Besides, it's nice having a friend again."

The slight dig made John look away from Deb.  He hadn't made attempts to talk to her since her announcement.  John didn't want to make it harder on her than it already was.  Most of the staff were unhappy that Deb had decided to make the move right now.  It left a lot of staff pulling double duty.  And John didn't want to be another one.  "I'm still your friend," John pouted.

Deb smiled briefly.  "Yeah.  I know," she sighed.  "It just seem like we never hang out anymore.  But I suppose that happens when you get a _girlfriend_."

They both shut their lockers and headed out the main entrance.  "Hey, I _offered_ to take you out for supper!" John protested.

Deb cocked her eyebrow.  "But that's because Abby's pulling a double!" Deb pointed out.

John sighed.  "Okay, got me there.  But _still_, I did _offer_!"

His friend chuckled.  "All right.  I'll give you that one!"

Suddenly a black BMW pulled in front of the hospital entrance and honked.  John frowned as the window lowered to reveal Henry's smiling face.  "Hey Jing Mei," called Henry.  "Wanna ride?"  Deb waved and answered back.  "Just a second."

John looked over to see Deb studying his face.  "Look, why don't we get together on the weekend?  No excuses," warned Deb.  He studied her face to see if this was just an offer.  But she looked sincere.  "Okay.  I'll talk to you about it tomorrow?"

Deb winked.  "Sure!  I'll see ya tomorrow John."

With that, John watched Deb hop into the shiny black BMW.  Even though it was dark, he could make out Henry and Deb hugging.  Finally Henry pulled away from the curb and John watched them drive off until he could see nothing but the red tail lights of the car.


	11. SA11

Softly Awaken

Chapter Eleven

*****

Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.

                       Luk. 22:43

*****

"Yeah, Stephen.  No.  I don't need you guys to pick me up.  Really."  Jing Mei twirled the phone cord around her index finger.  "I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

As she hung up the receiver, Jing Mei couldn't believe that this was her last shift at County General.  It was about one in the morning and it was dead as a morgue.  Turning around, Jing Mei asked Randi, "Where's John?"  The dark-haired clerk blew a bubble, which popped and was sucked back into her mouth.  She shrugged.   "I think I saw Dr. Carter in Trauma 1."

Jing Mei put away her last patient chart and made her way to the staff lounge.  As she stuffed her lab coat, stethoscope and personal effects into her backpack, Jing Mei couldn't help but take one last look at the room.  She would miss it.

Mercy hadn't offered her the position yet, but Stephen felt confident prior to her interview, which was scheduled for the day after tomorrow, Jing Mei would be hired for the position.  She wasn't as confident, but Henry also was confident that she would get the position.  As she made her way to Trauma 1, Jing Mei couldn't help reminisce over the good times she'd had at County.  The bad could never overshadow the good that happened during her stint in the busy hospital.

As she pushed open one of the doors, Jing Mei found John sitting behind a pile of charts.  "So you're slacking off I see!" Jing Mei teased, as she readjusted the strap of her backpack on her shoulder.  John looked up at Jing Mei with those brown eyes that made her smile every time.

His lips turned up into his trademark grin.  "Me?  Never.  As Chief Resident, I'm always busy," spouted John.

Jing Mei shook her head and rolled her eyes.  "I just wanted to drop by to say goodbye."  As the words left her lips, Jing Mei noticed John's grin smoothed into a straight line.  He sighed and then after writing something down in a chart, John put the pen down and stood up.  "Okay," he replied.

She folded her arms across her chest and tilted her head.  "Don't be too upset that I'm leaving John," she said sarcastically.  John made a face and scratched his head.  "I left something in Trauma 2, do you want to come with me for a sec?" asked John.

Jing Mei shrugged.  "Sure."

John pushed opened the unusually darkened Trauma room.  As Jing Mei walked in, the lights suddenly flickered on and she was faced with a white frosted cake, surrounded by some of the ER staff.  Jing Mei felt tears beginning to form in the corners of her eye.  Her mouth opened in an 'oh' and she pressed her left hand to her chest.  "You guys!"

Luka, Kerri, Haleh, Wendy, Malik, and Abby were there, followed by a loud entrance by Randi, who apparently had been in on the surprise.  "Surprise!" shouted Randi, with a big grin on her face.  "Now let's have some cake!"

The large 11" x 14" cake had writing on it.  With pink frosting, someone had put 'Good Luck Deb' in the middle of the dessert.  Jing Mei turned around and looked at John whose grin had returned to his face.  Abby interrupted the moment, handing Jing Mei a piece of cake on a white napkin. 

The small group mingled for a bit, and finally the party began to end.  Kerri was the first to leave, going back to her rounds.  But before her departure, Kerri held out her hand.  "I wish you luck Dr. Chen.  You may not believe it, but you'll be missed around here."  And with that, the fiery red-head left.

Wendy, Malik, and Haleh smiled and hugged her good bye.  Jing Mei felt her breath caught in her throat.  She never expected any farewell party.  Jing Mei thought that everyone was upset that she was leaving in a time of uncertainty.  Luka gave her a warm hug.  "You'll have to drop by from time to time you know?" he warned, pointing seriously at her.  Jing Mei grinned and nodded.  "I will."

Finally John, Abby, and Jing Mei were left to clean up the leftover napkins, and Styrofoam cups.  When everything seemed to be disposed of, Abby came up to Jing Mei and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  "I just wanted to wish you luck.  I'm sure you'll be happy at Mercy."

Jing Mei nodded.  "Thanks."  The three walked out of the trauma room, and just as John was about to say something, a call came over the radio.  Jing Mei caught most of the call.

'_County you've got an MVA coming… One driver with possible internal bleeding.  The female passenger sustained head injuries.  ETA, 5 minutes.'_

John looked apologetically at Jing Mei.  "I'll catch you later?"  Jing Mei smiled and nodded.  She took one last look at the place where she'd learned so much, when the paramedics came crashing in.  "Male, 30.  Driver of the car.  He's stopped breathing once, possible internal bleeding."

Jing Mei watched John and Kerri take the patient into the trauma room.  She walked out through the ambulance bay.  It had started snowing; the first snowfall of the year.  Jing Mei was about to leave, when she heard her name.   
Jing Mei!"  She thought it might have been one of the nurses.  Jing Mei turned around and saw a blonde woman standing with a couple of nurses hovering beside her.  Jing Mei frowned.  She looked familiar.

"Jennifer?" whispered Jing Mei.

**~~~**

John didn't realize that everything would seem like a blur the last shift of Jing Mei's last day.  He felt like he had so much to say, but didn't have the time to say it.  But John had been glad the staff had decided to give her a farewell party.  It didn't seem right, not to.

He'd planned on at least giving her a hug good bye, but then the MVA call and the victims had arrived.  John hadn't seen a trauma this bad in a while, and he knew he had to focus.  The driver was unconscious and had shallow breath sounds on his left.  He ordered a chest film and a CT scan and C-spine.  "He's unresponsive to command.  What's his BP?" demanded John.

"It's low.  Pulse ox 85.  BP 90 over 50!" Abby stated.

Suddenly the victim began coughing.  John let him have some space, but then noticed blood coming from the patient.  Suddenly he stopped breathing.  "Chest tube tray.  Intubating!  Give me 3 unites of O-neg.  Hang 2 on the rapid infuser." cried John.  As he opened the victim's mouth and tried to lower the tube in, he realized that there was too much blood.  

Kerri looked up at John and nodded.  "His belly's decended.  Probably intra-abdominal bleeding.  We need an ultrasound.  We need to get up to surg…"

Suddenly Deb burst into the trauma room with a distraught look on her face.  Her eyes widened and she let out a strangled cry.  "_Stephen!_"

John looked down at the patient.  He was confused at Deb's distress. John looked at the patient's face again.  It was covered in blood, eyes closed and a face mask over his mouth.  But there was something familiar about him.  Suddenly John recognized him.   It was Deb's brother, Stephen.

Deb moves closer to the gurney.  Kerri yells at the staff in the trauma room.  "Someone get her out of here!"  Unexpectedly, Deb collapses.

"Oh no.  Not _Stephen_!  Please God, not _Stephen_."  Haleh pulled Deb from the trauma room and into the hallway.

John felt Abby tug on his sleeve.  He opened his hand.  "Scalpel."  Abby placed the cold narrow length of steel in his hand  He refocused on Kerri and her order to take him up to surgery.  "We don't have time.  If we don't find where the internal bleeding is coming from he'll never make it through to the OR."  

He made an incision down the man's chest.  There was a massive amount of blood surrounding his organs.   Quickly but carefully John searched for the reason for all the bleeding.  Finally he found a tear in the anterior lining of the stomach.  He plugged that, but found that there was still a problem.  Kerri put pressure on the tear, stifling it with gauze.  With that found, John took a look at his lungs.  He found a puncture, a millimeter long.  "We've got a collapsed lung…"

"Carter, he's in v-fib," Abby announced, while she was holding a mask over the patient's mouth, trying to help him breathe.

John took a look at the heart rhythm.  As quickly as he could, John made an incision into his trach and inserted a tube, attaching the plastic bulb onto the tube John yelled,  "Bag'em!  I need the internal paddles."

Wendy pulled the cart holding the heavy machine to the gurney.  Carter took the paddles and placed them on his heart.  "Charge to 30.  Clear!" John called.  All hands pulled away as he shocked the warm red muscle.  John waited for Abby to announce if there was a rhythm.  The high pitch of the heart monitor said it all.  "Charge to 30 again.  Clear!" John called.  Finally a rhythm appeared on the black screen.

All breathed a sigh of relief when his vitals became somewhat stable.  Stable enough for the nurses to move him up to surgery and begin repairs on his major injuries.  John pulled off his gloves and gown and headed out into the hallway.  He looked for any sign of Deb, but she was nowhere to be seen.  However a petite auburn-haired woman stood looking towards the elevator, hands stifling the sobs that wracked her body.  "Excuse me?" John called.  The woman turned around.  Her eyes were red and puffy.  There was a band-aid over the left brow.  "Are you related to the patient?"

She nodded.  "I'm his fiancée," she stuttered.  Swallowing hard, the woman turned back to stare at the elevator doors.  "Is he going to be all right?"

John led her over to a nearby chair.  He set the goggles that were still on his face on the crown of his head.  "What's your name?" John inquired.

Sniffling, the woman hid her face into the palms of her hands.   Finally, wiping the free-flowing tears she managed to choke out, "Jennifer.  And that was Stephen."

John sat down beside her and held her.  "His vitals are stable, but we've just sent him up for surgery.  He's got a collapsed lung and a tear in his abdominal walls."

As he explained what process Stephen would go through, John could feel her body shudder from the overwhelming sobs.  "But is he going to be _okay_?" she repeated her previous question.

John looked sympathetically at Jennifer.  "I'm not sure at this point."  He caught Wendy's eye and motioned her to come over.  When the perky and petite nurse arrived at Jennifer's side, John stood up.  "Could you show Jennifer the waiting room up in surgery?"  Wendy smiled sincerely and began to lead Jennifer towards the elevator.

Suddenly Jennifer stopped.  "Uh, doctor?  Do you know where Jing Mei went?  She talked to the red-headed doctor who went up with Stephen and I haven't seen her since."

John shook his head.  "I'll look for her though, and tell her you're looking for her."  When Jennifer finally followed Wendy to the waiting room, John turned around to find Abby.  He made his way over to the admissions desk.  Randi stared at John for a moment, then continued to chew loudly on her bubble gum.  "So how's Dr. Chen's brother looking?"  He shrugged.  

"I don't know," replied John.  

Spotting Abby, he grabbed her to the side.  "I'm going to look for Deb.  If I'm needed in the ER, you can page me, okay?"

Abby studied him for a moment and then sighed.  "Yeah.  Of course.  Go."

~ * ~

John looked throughout the surgery wing and couldn't find hide nor hair of Deb.  Finally in a last ditch attempt, John made his way to the roof.  As he opened the door, John could see a thin layer of snow form on top of the ledge of the roof.  It was dark and empty.

Just as John was about to turn and leave, he heard a soft sob in the corner of the roof.  He walked towards the whisper of a sound and squinted his eyes to make out a small huddled figure, curled up in the corner of the roof.  "_Deb_?"

Deb peered up at him, her rosy cheeks stained with tears.  John kneeled down to her level and grabbed her hands, pulling her up to standing.  Deb wrapped her arms around his neck and as John felt weight of her body on his, all he could do was wrap his arms around her, comforting her.  "_It's okay Deb.  I'm right here_."


	12. sa12

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twelve

*****

His appearance was like lightening, and his clothes were whitea s snow.

                       Matt 28:3

*****

Silence pervaded the bright white sterile hallway of Mercy.  Although the staff buzzed of patient information, doctors consulting one another, Jing Mei couldn't quite grasp the reality of it.  She was starting her first day at Mercy.

The staff had tried to do their best to make Jing Mei feel at home, but with the pitying stares and the quiet whispers, she felt the least comfortable during those first hours.  Jing Mei tried to shake it off.  Praying that the patients would keep her mind off of Stephen.

Jing Mei had counted on working with Stephen on a daily basis.  Now she was on her own in a strange new hospital.  Never more, had Jing Mei felt so isolated and alone - a stranger in a strange, new world.

**~~~**

Luka had heard that Chen's brother had been brought in during her last shift.  Rumor was that he and his fiancée had planned to surprise her.  The nurses talked about how Dr. Chen had broken down and gone missing, until Carter found her.

The pain and sock she was going through triggered old memories for Luka, ones that he'd thought were long forgotten.  By the extent of the injuries, Jing Mei's brother should have died, Randi had informed the off-duty staff.

Luka would have surmised the same, and expected him not to last the next couple of days.  But when he came into the ER the next day, he found Dr. Chen's brother in ICU, when looking for Romano.  He wouldn't have known it was Dr. Chen's brother, if he hadn't overheard one of the nurses in the ICU.

The image of the private room remained etched in his mind.  A young blonde woman was kneeling in front of a window with something in her hand.  As Luka peered through the translucent door window, he caught a glimpse of a golden cross, which glinted in the daylight.  The chain attached hung delicately over the back of her hand.  Quietly she spoke; Luka could only see her soft lips move.

Luka stepped away from the scene.  He only wished that he had the heart to tell her that the Guy above really didn't care.  _He knew from experience_.

~ * ~

Luka had pondered that thought all morning.  _A God that didn't care, what good was he?_  Luka shook his head and tried to forget about yesterday's striking memory.

"Luka!" Abby called from behind the admission's desk.  "Twisted ankle in three."

He looked at Abby for a moment, before nodding and waving his hand in acknowledgement.  A god of pain and suffering, that's the kind of god Luka had known for the latter of his life.

**~~~**

Susan was enjoying her morning.  She had her cup of Jo for the start of her day and she wasn't part of the County soap opera.  When Luka had invited her for an early breakfast that one morning, though an entire cup of coffee, she had toyed with the idea of dating him.  Maybe if the chemistry was right, the breakfast might even lead to something else, she had thought.

But as the breakfast continued, Susan realized to her chagrin, that it was just an invitation for a friendly conversation and inane chatter.  They both didn't have a lot to say in the awkwardness of it all.  Both knew what could possibly arise from the situation.

When everything had been cleared from their table, Susan said an amicable goodbye and they parted company.  It was a lame duck.  Susan felt like they had nothing in common.  Or so she had thought that morning.  The next day, Luka asked her out for dinner and a movie.  She didn't know why, but Susan had accepted.

During the evening, both seemed more at ease with the situation and had an understanding between the two.  Susan, who had always been blunt about things, told him that she felt awkward because of what the relationship might lead to.  She explained her theory that they couldn't talk because they had expectations.

Luka had laughed.  He looked good when he laughed, Susan had thought.  Finally by the end of dinner, both had made an agreement that friendship and companionship would be all that would come out of their '_dates_'.

Susan realized both of them had emotional baggage that each had to deal with.  When Susan thought about it, she realized deep down that all she really wanted was someone to talk to again.  Susan was looking for someone to hang out with, like she had done with _Mark_.

And so she and Luka had begun to form a fast friendship.

**~~~**

Abby hadn't seen John in several days.  He'd either been comforting Jing Mei up in ICU or busy with his rounds.  Certainly, John dropped by with a 'hi' here and a kiss there, but suddenly her sidekick, who never seemed to leave her side, couldn't seem to be found anywhere.

Midst the misery of her torn feelings, Abby, who was grabbing something from the drug lockup, was startled when she felt an arm worm around her waist.  The quick warm touch of lips descended upon her neck, almost lending her to scream.  "What are you…" gasped Abby as she swung around to confront her Don Juan.  "_John_!"

The light chestnut-hair doctor raised his right eyebrow in a familiar suggestive gaze and smirked.  "And you were expecting?" teased John.

Abby's heart slowed after the slight scare.  "Long time no see, stranger," observed Abby, kissing John quickly on the lips before leaving the drug lockup.  

John smiled.  "Sorry about that.  Deb's been freaked out since Stephen's accident Friday."

Abby was used to hearing excuses from people, but not from John.  Even though she knew it was the truth, Abby couldn't help but roll her eyes.  It had been a week since the accident and his prognosis had been good.  No long-term damage.

Abby didn't see the need for the handholding.  She just nodded, pretending it didn't bother her.  Though Abby hadn't been in a crisis, she still needed John to be there once and a while.  They were in a relationship, or so she thought.  "Whatever," Abby shrugged.

John frowned.  "Are you sure it's okay?  I know I haven't seen you, but you were always in my thoughts," John gushed.

Abby pushed him lightly.  "Go treat some patients doctor," she sighed.

He'd been thinking about her.  Where'd she hear that before?  Abby walked about, checking on some of her patients.  She didn't know which was worse, being made at John for not at least dropping by once that week, or that she really hadn't missed him always at her side.

**~~~**

John was glad Abby wasn't making a big deal over the time he was spending with Deb.  It was something he needed to do.  Once she had finished crying on top of the roof, Deb had followed John to the waiting room.  Deb paced the floor, babbling on about anything and everything.  When they received good news about Stephen, Deb had looked over at john, and he could see the relief in her eyes.

Over the next few days, the Drs. Chen arrived and hovered over their firstborn, demanding to know the treatment that was being used and what surgical procedures had been performed.  John had stuck around, in the background, supporting Deb whenever she needed it.  Her parents were so immersed in their son's well being, they didn't notice the heartache of their second eldest child.  

They had a family conference when everyone had arrived, John stood behind her as Jing Mei explained everything that happened.  John put in small tidbits of what had happened in the ER.  Everyone was there.  John had forgotten that Jing Mei had such a large family.

Even Henry had down up unexpectedly a few days into recovery.  He offered words of support, but Deb sent him away, telling him there was nothing to be done until Stephen woke up.  John knew he shouldn't gloat, but he couldn't help but watch Henry head towards the elevator with a smile.  Deb didn't need a date; she needed a friend.  And he was just that.

It had been a while since they'd spent so much time together, but they fell back into step easily.  He fetched them coffee and even brought Deb and Jen magazines.  John did what he could to make their wait easier.  He would even check in on them during his breaks, making sure the Drs. Chen knew that they could page him for anything, not that they would.  They were a quiet couple, who didn't make a fuss, especially when they were the ones in need.

After his shift that afternoon, John made plans for supper with Abby.  She finished her shift just a little bit later on in the afternoon.  But before he left, John popped in on Stephen.  The room was empty of visitors.  Stephen lay in his bed attached to a respirator to ease the work on the one working lung, while the other healed.

Deb would probably be there later in the evening, since she was starting her job today, surmised John.  When he was about to leave, Jen came back holding a cup of coffee.  She smiled weakly at him, her hair a mess.  "Hi Dr. Carter."  She hadn't left his side.  John hadn't even see her leave the hospital for the entire week.

"Call me John."

Jen nodded.  "You came to see Jing Mei?"

John smiled uncomfortably.  "I just wanted to see if she might need anything before I go, but I forgot she started at Mercy today."

Jen smiled.  "She's lucky that she's got you to look after her."  Jennifer paused a moment and then looked at John, gazing steadily into his eyes.  "I'm sure she's feeling lonely over there."

The timid blonde moved into the darkened room.  "These two," Jennifer motioned toward Stephen, "couldn't stop talking about it.  You know.  Working together?"

John nodded understandingly.  "How are you holding up?"

"Good as can be expected."  She smiled widely, shaking her head, as if shaking off the heavy weight that sat on her shoulders.  "Praying my li'l ole heart out.  And He's heard me so far!" Jen laughed.

"I can't tell you how much this means to us all.  In the midst of everything, I forgot to thank you for taking care of Stephen.  Without you and the other ER doctors, Stephen wouldn't have made it up to surgery.  And you've continued to look after us, Jing Mei, for the past week."

John protested.  "It was nothing."

"It's something only a best friend would do." Jen smiled sincerely.

"Well she _is_ a close friend.  We go a long way back.  We've always been there for each other.  Although I don't think I would have imagined us like this way back in med school."

"Things change _John._  Look at Stephen.  Things don't always work out according to our plans.  Sometimes what we want doesn't matter."  Jennifer smiled and motioned that she'd better get back to Stephen.

John took a deep breath and sighed.  He waved goodbye and left to catch the 'L'.  But John couldn't forget what Jennifer had said.  

_Sometimes we don't always get what we want._


	13. sa13

Softly Awaken

Chapter Thirteen

*****

What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?

                        Job 6:11

*****

"John, you're gone for the rest of the day?" Kerri inquired without looking up from her charts.

John stopped in his tracks and turned around to face the redheaded doctor.  "Yeah.  I'm going to that medical conference downtown.  I wrote it down on the schedule."

Kerri looked up.  "Yeah, okay.  See you tomorrow."

John nodded and fidgeted with the strap of his backpack resting on his shoulder.  He'd never really had to go to one of these conferences before.  It was always something the older doctors at County did.  He didn't even know why he had to attend this conference.

He'd read the pamphlet a couple of days ago, and its seminars were about Options for Patient Care, Professionalism in the Workplace, and Explaining the Choices to Families in Shock.  John rolled his eyes at the thought of how uninteresting it would be.  He'd hoped maybe Susan or even Luka would be asked to attend, just for the company.  But no such luck.

"John Carter," he stated to the registrar.

John looked about the large hotel where the conference was being held.  It had a high vaulted ceiling and golden chandeliers hung from the roof.  Fancy, he thought to himself.  Finally the woman behind the desk handed him a package with a nametag and his itinerary for the day.

As he made his way to the Desert Room for his first seminar, John thought about the past few days with Abby.  Since Stephen was doing better and Deb had begun full rounds at Mercy, John had more time to spend with his girlfriend.  John was happy about it all-round because he knew the situation had put a strain on his relationship with Abby.  He could tell the night they'd first had the chance to have supper together.

Abby had been aloof and quiet.  She didn't feel like talking and when they did, it seemed to revolve around work.  It had been a tough night.  

But lately the past few days of work and hanging out began to restore the relationship that had been built.  John didn't think it would be this hard to have a relationship with Abby.  It had been not exactly easy being her friend before, but they'd always been able to talk and be there for each other.  John had chalked it up to not having wanted a _real_ relationship until meeting Abby.  But still, John sometimes wondered why being in a relationship with a woman always had to be so hard with him.

"John?" a familiar voice called.

John had been sitting in a chair next to the aisle, so as not to have to scramble across other doctor's feet.  He'd be liable to trip and fall flat on his face and that would look extremely professional.  As he turned to see who had called his name, John saw a petite Asian woman dressed in black slacks and a lavender blouse approaching.  He didn't need a nametag to introduce her.  "Deb!" he exclaimed happily.  "What are you doing here?"

~~~

Jing Mei hadn't expected to see John at the conference today.  As she walked into the hotel, Jing Mei had thought she'd heard someone say 'John Carter' at the registration table, but when she walked into the Desert Room, Jing Mei could tell it was John sitting in the chair a few metres away.

When she was just a couple of feet away, Jing Mei smiled.  "Well, obviously our hospitals think we need to brush up on something!" she teased.  "Or else we wouldn't be standing here at this conference!"

They embraced briefly before John stepped aside to let her sit beside him.  "You looked pretty happy sitting there though.  I'm guessing this little conference wasn't your idea?"

John rolled his eyes.  "Yeah, right.  Romano thought that I could do with a conference or two, doctor to doctor that is," he said sarcastically.

Jing Mei pursed her lips and felt her face scrunch into one of irritation.  "Yeah, that's one thing I'm happy _not_ to have to deal with day in and day out.  Romano," she scoffed.

"How are things going at Mercy?" John inquired curiously.

Jing Mei didn't quite know how to answer.  She definitely wasn't bored.  Their patient load was as bad or worse than County's, but Jing Mei didn't quite feel connected to the staff.  "It's all right," she sighed.  "It's different.  I can't say I'm fitting in right away.  I hear a lot of comments about Stephen and questions about how he's doing, so it's kind of hard to build any kind of relationships when Stephen's all we talk about."

John looked sympathetically at her.  Jing Mei didn't want his pity.  She just wanted to move on with her life.  Maybe even put the people at County behind her, but then Stephen's accident happened and Jing Mei realized how much she needed the friends and colleagues she'd made at County.  Or at least, Jing Mei realized how much she needed John.  It was almost like having him back as a friend.

"I'm sorry about that," he replied softly, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

Jing Mei smiled up at John.  His face was full of the concern that was missing from the strangers at Mercy.  "I'll be all right," she sniffed, rolling her eyes at how sappy she was getting in her old age.

"Jing Mei?" 

Jing Mei looked up to find Henry standing in the aisle smiling at them.  Henry laughed as he interrupted their conversation.  "I was looking all over for you."

Jing Mei closed her eyes and chided herself for forgetting about Henry.  "I'm sorry Henry.  I just saw John and forgot that we were meeting in the foyer," she apologized.

Henry seemed to shrug it off and slipped into the chair beside her.  Jing Mei felt self-conscious sitting in between John and Henry.  Both men had become very important in her life.  John was an old friend, someone who knew her inside and out.  And Henry was an eager friend who'd made it known that he was interested in her, something Jing Mei had needed in the past couple of months, since John and Abby's coupling – the need to feel wanted.

"So what are you guys talking about?" Henry asked cheerily.

"Oh, just talking about how things are going at Mercy for Deb," John replied stiffly.

Jing Mei just smiled pleasantly without responding.  For some reason, John didn't quite ever warm to Henry.  Some part of her hoped it would be because he was jealous, but Jing Mei wasn't that naive.

"It's great right Jing Mei?" Henry coaxed.  "And I think it's quite funny that you keep calling her Deb.  It's just odd."

Jing Mei shook her head.  "It's just a med school thing," laughed Jing Mei as she looked over at John, who was nodding his head.

"You kind of have to be there to understand it, right Deb?"

Jing Mei smiled and rolled her eyes.  "Whatever John," she chuckled.

That was the end of their conversation that morning.  The presenter walked into the room and began his seminar on Options on Patient Care.  Jing Mei was quite relieved that they didn't have much chance to converse, she felt torn between the two men.  

As she looked over at the two doctors, Jing Mei unconsciously began comparing the two.  One who was unavailable, but a friend she loved dearly, and the other was full of unexpected possibilities.  Jing Mei sighed unhappily.  Who was she kidding?  There really was only one choice.

~~~

Abby had been noticing Luka and Susan's growing closeness for the past week.  Every time she would turn around, Luka and Susan would be joking about some patient or talking about what they'd done the evening before.  She never thought it would bother her, but Abby was beginning to realize how irritating it was becoming.  At that moment, Luka and Susan came walking down the corridor laughing and talking excitedly.

"Luka?  Patient in 3," she said impatiently, as shoved the chart into Luka's hand.

Luka seemed surprised, as he furrowed his brow and laughed.  "What's the matter with you today?  No Carter to make you smile?"

Abby pursed her lips and made a face at her ex.  "I'm not in a bad mood.  I'm just tired of having to make patients wait while you flirt with whoever happens to pass by," explained Abby, looking up at the tall doctor innocently.

Luka shook his head and sighed.  "I'm going!  I think someone needs to lay off the caffeine."

Abby watched expressionless as Luka walked over to exam room 3.  She stuck her tongue out at her lippy ex-lover.  She hated when he was so smug.

"Are you sure nothing's wrong?" Susan asked curiously.

Startled and embarrassed, Abby turned around to face Susan, whom she'd forgotten was standing there.  "Uh, yeah.  I'm sure."  Abby pasted on a smile and high tailed it out of there, her face flushed from the embarrassment.

~ * ~

While getting a cup of coffee in the lounge, Abby thought about how much she missed John that afternoon.  Most days it was nice to see him watching her when he thought she wasn't looking or feel a warm arm wrap around her waist when she was getting some drugs from the drug lockup.  "Well, it's not like you weren't complaining to yourself when he was around all the time.  Now it's just the opposite," Abby said out loud to herself.

"Who are you talking to?" Luka asked, startling her out of her private thoughts.

Abby set down the coffee pot and took a sip of the lukewarm beverage.  "Uh, no one?" she replied.

"Oh," he chuckled, reaching above her for a mug.  "I just never took you for the type who talked to themselves."

Abby looked at her watch.  She still had five minutes in her coffee break.  "Well, what type am I?" Abby asked coyly.

Luka stood with the coffee pot and mug in his hand, and paused there for a moment, studying her with his dark brooding eyes.  Abby swallowed hard and shifted her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other.  He always made her feel like he could see right through her with those eyes.

Finally he answered, saying, "I'm not quite sure yet.  We weren't together long enough for me to find out.  Maybe John can tell me."  Luka resigned himself to sitting down on the couch in the lounge, sipping his coffee.

Abby licked her lips, hoping this wasn't the start of a conversation about John and her relationship with him.  "So," she said cheerily.  "You and Dr. Lewis have been seeing each other a lot lately."

Luka looked up wearily at Abby.  "We're friends."

"Well it doesn't sound like that from the rumors in the gossip mill," Abby teased hesitantly.

"Well we all know how much truth there are to rumors don't we?" Luka snorted.  "I'm sure I heard the rumor you and John were going out months before you were actually a _couple_."

Abby didn't like the tone of his voice.  It was rough and full of annoyance.  She didn't understand why.  "I'm sorry for even bringing it up," she huffed.  "Didn't mean to hit a sore spot!"

As she moved to leave the lounge, Luka stood up and grasped her wrist.  "I'm sorry.  I don't know why I'm being such a jerk right now."

Abby peered up at Luka.  "Me neither," she joked nervously.  "Look Luka, I don't expect you to be all happy for me and John.  I mean I can understand that you're upset about me dating him.  And I don't mean to rub salt in old wounds."

She hoped that this might clear the air.  Abby knew that they hadn't really had closure in their relationship.  Actually, their relationship was an enigma to Abby even, sometimes.

"Look, can we try to be friends?"

Suddenly Luka burst out laughing.  "You think I'm _jealous_ of Carter?" he scoffed, stifling his laughter.  "Be serious!"

Abby didn't know what to say.  Could she have been wrong?  Maybe Luka hadn't been heartbroken about breaking up.  It was a possibility.  His lack of interest in their relationship was what drove Abby away in the first place.  But Abby had attributed Luka's interest in Abby's drinking and his casual offhanded remarks about John and her as signs of the hurt he was hiding.  However, watching Luka laughing heartily about her suggestion, Abby reconsidered her thoughts about Luka's feelings towards her.

"What's so funny?" she finally managed to choke out.  "It's a logical explanation to your attitude."

Luka stopped laughing for a moment and then burst out again.  Finally Luka stopped, holding his stomach and caught his breath.  "I'm sorry.  It's just that you sound like a shrink when talking about how I feel about you."

Abby bit the inside of her cheek.  "Well, I suppose I did," she admitted, shaking her head and smiling.  "But I just don't want us to not be able to talk anymore."

Luka's face straightened and he seemed to become serious again.  "Look Abby, we're over right?  So why would I be jealous of Carter?" He paused for a moment and scratched the back of his head.  "We're not dating."

Abby was surprised by this change in attitude.  "So all of the sudden we're supposed to stop caring about one another?  I seem to remember you telling me you love me not so long ago?  And now you don't even care?  From your attitude lately, it doesn't seem to ring true."

Luka closed his eyes and let out a deep breath.  "Look Abby," he said pointedly.  "I did say that.  And I did mean it.  But I'm not _in love with you."_

Abby shook her head.  "You're not making any sense Luka!"

Luka was about to say something when Susan came running into the lounge.  "Abby do you know where the extra lavage kits are?"

Abby looked at Luka for a moment and then turned to Susan.  "They should be in the cart right next to trauma room 2."

Susan shook her head.  "We looked there.  I think we might be out.  Could you come check?  Kerri has a patient in trauma 1."

Abby hated to leave this conversation half over.  She felt like they needed to clear this thing that continued to hover over them, which kept her from drawing closer to John.  "We're not done talking about this Luka," she warned, leaving Luka sitting on the couch sipping his coffee.

~~~

Luka watched Abby exit the lounge.  Part of him was glad that their intense conversation had been interrupted.  It wasn't something he was ready to hash out.

"Are you okay Luka?" Susan asked, sliding down into the cushion next to him.  "Looks like you guys were having one intense conversation."

Luka nodded.  His relationship with Susan was nice because he could pretty much say anything to her without having to explain it.  She seemed to understand that he just needed a friendly ear.  "Abby thinks that I'm jealous," he sighed.

Susan laughed.  "And?"

"And I'm not," Luka explained.  "I care for her, but I'm not _in love with her.  I was being a jerk earlier and that's what 'Freud' came up with."_

Susan shifted her body so that she sat parallel with him, both of them looking at the wall.  "Well, I guess I can understand that you'd still be upset with her and Carter since you're still in love with her."

Luka's laughed out loud as he turned around pulling his knee up on the couch.  "Are you serious?  I just told you I don't love her.  I don't know if I ever did."

Susan nodded silently.  "Okay, so you don't know if you ever _loved her.  What does that mean?"_

Luka turned his gaze back to the blank wall.  "The only woman I've ever loved is Daniella.  I don't know if I could ever leave her behind."

Susan looked sympathetically at him.  "I'm guessing that's the reason you and Abby broke up right?"

Luka sighed.  He knew that was part of the cause.  "It was because I didn't care enough.  I could find other things to do rather than be with Abby.  Now does that sound like a man _in love?"_

She frowned at him.  "Obviously you're lying to yourself if you don't think that the way you're acting around Abby means that you have feelings for her, let alone are in love with her."

Luka didn't know what to say.  "How can I be in love and not know it myself?" he argued.

"Because you're too scared to admit it," Susan said softly.  "Luka, look at what you've done for her?"

"When Abby was losing control over her alcohol problem you arranged an intervention meeting?  And you were there when Maggie was off her drugs."  Susan placed a comforting hand on his.  "I can't really tell you what you're feeling, but in my opinion, a guy doesn't do those things for someone he _doesn't love."_

Luka listened to what Susan was saying, but he didn't know if he could believe it.  The entire time he'd been with Abby, first as just casual lovers, and then something more; Luka never pictured it leading to something deeper.  It hadn't been that way with Daniella, of course, he hadn't been jaded by the deaths of those close to him.

He'd vowed to love Daniella until death parted them.  And it was something he never imagined finding again.  Luka never imagined that the chestnut haired woman who'd excitedly given him a kiss in the snow that fateful day was another chance at love and happiness.

Then reality set in and Luka set down his coffee mug and sighed.  It didn't matter now.  Abby was with John.  He looked over at Susan who smiled.  "Well, are you admitting it?" she smirked.  "You're in love with Abby?"

Luka lowered his eyes and stood up.  "It really doesn't matter what I admit Susan.  Abby's with John and whatever chance I ever stood with her, is gone."

"But Luka…"

Susan was about to say something to him but Luka ignored his friend's word of hope as he strode towards the door.  John had been everything Abby had wanted, and everything Luka wasn't.  What chance did he stand?

Hope was something he'd lost in his past.  And now, it seemed to elude him in the future.


	14. sa14

Softly Awaken

Chapter Fourteen

*****

…Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.

                                                                                                   Mark 6:31

*****

"I'm so glad you're doing better," John sighed, as they stood outside of the hotel, waiting for their vehicles to be brought around.  

The conference had been long an arduous, but both doctors realized that there were things that they could take away from the boring seminars.  Jing Mei knew it was less dull because she had John and Henry with her, trudging through the material, keeping her awake.  She smiled at John in gratitude.

"I've been worried that the stress of it all might be too much." John added.

Jing Mei feigned disbelief.  "Me?  Stressed out?"  She laughed sarcastically.  "Come on!  When has that ever happened?"

John turned away and mumbled something indiscernible.  Jing Mei shook her head and hit him lightly on the shoulder.  "Shut up!" she chided.  "I'm not that bad."  John made a face and shrugged.  "Uh huh," he nodded patronizingly.

Jing Mei rolled her eyes and pulled her jacket tightly against her.  "It's getting chilly out now."

John puffed warm air into his ungloved hands.  "Yeah.  I didn't think it would get so crisp out today."

"So are you going to be able to report back to Romano, that you learned _everything_ possible at this conference?" she teased, looking down the street for Henry's car.  "I'm sure Romano will want to see a better work ethic from you now that they've paid for your attendance at one of these things."

"Yeah.  I'm sure," he scoffed.  "I think these things are as bad as those fundraisers for the arts or the community.  Except at least these things have something to do with medicine."

Jing Mei understood where John was coming from.  She was pretty sure his comment was in light of an upcoming charity auction for the new theatre that the Arts and Musical Appreciation Committee had been planning for a few months now.  As she watched her mother and father attend these functions every month or so, Jing Mei was well acquainted with the expectations her parents had for her and what role she should play, once they could no longer attend.  The Chens' children were to continue in the legacy of charitable organizations, which her mother and father had so often volunteered for or chaired, for that matter.

"You're rides here," John said, nudging Jing Mei from her thoughts.

Jing Mei jolted her head up as she saw the black vehicle pulling up in front of her.  "Oh," she smiled.  Jing Mei looked over her shoulder, as she was about to open the passenger side door.  "John, maybe I'll see you at County sometime."  She knew that Stephen would be there for a while, still recovering from the horrible car accident that happened almost a month ago.

John nodded.  "Yeah.  I think everyone would be glad to see you stop by."

Jing Mei waved and watched him get smaller and smaller as Henry pulled away from the curb.  "So you had a good visit with Dr. Carter while I was getting the car?" Henry asked.

"Hmmm?"

"I asked if you guys had a nice visit?" Henry repeated.

Jing Mei turned her body around so that she was looking out at the slowing traffic before them.  "Uh, yeah," she replied distractedly.  Jing Mei didn't feel comfortable talking about John with Henry.  She thought he wouldn't appreciate her talking about another man when she, for all intensive purposes was almost dating him.  "It was no big deal," Jing Mei dismissed.

Henry nodded his head slowly, adjusting the position of his wire-rimmed glasses, higher up on the bridge of his nose.  "Did you guys," he paused a moment, seeming to hesitate at the thought.  "Did you guys…well, did you guys ever go out?"

Jing Mei was taken aback by the unexpected question.  "Where did that come from?" she exclaimed, tucking a stray strand of black hair behind her ear.

Her dark haired friend shrugged uncomfortably.  "It's just that every time I mention Dr. Carter's name, you seem to clam up."  Jing Mei licked her lips as he described her odd behavior when it came to John.  "I mean you never want to talk about him, but he's obviously someone very close to you.  And it makes me wonder if you guys may have dated for a while and you haven't gotten over him yet."  Henry glanced quickly at Jing Mei, assessing whether he'd struck a nerve or not.  "If I'm totally off then just tell me.  I'm just trying to get in the loop about this."

Jing Mei opened her mouth to protest about his assumptions, some truer than others, but closed it after a moment of thought.  Henry had been a very close friend in the past few months during her decisions to leave County and then join Mercy.  She couldn't lie to him about her feelings and Jing Mei felt that they hadn't developed strong attachments, _in that way_, yet, so she could still be honest with him.  "Henry," she began, "I am very _fond _of you."

Just then, Henry snorted.  "Uh, _fond_?" he asked, as he pushed down a dark lever, triggering a soft clicking tone within the vehicle.  Henry put up one finger, signaling Jing Mei to wait as he turned down Oliver Street.  "That's sound so bad," he laughed.

Jing Mei closed her eyes and creased her brow apologetically.  "I know, but I just didn't know how else to put it," she sighed guiltily.

"Look, Jing Mei," Henry said, with a sympathetic look on his face.  "You know that I completely understand.  I mean you've told me often enough that right now you were just looking for a friend."

Jing Mei let out a sigh of relief.  She was so glad that he didn't hate her and that he understood that she wasn't really ready for anything more.  Her encounter with John made her realize that.  "Henry, I'm sorry.  I just have these…I don't know, unresolved feelings for him."  As soon as Jing Mei said it out loud, it was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.  It wasn't a secret anymore.  She felt her shoulders relax and it was like she could breathe again.

"Does he know how you feel?" Henry asked.

Jing Mei shook her head fervently.  "No!" she exclaimed.  "And it's not something I want him to know."

Henry frowned.  "And why not?"

Jing Mei felt her eyes widen and she turned to him and looked at him incredulously.  "Why?" she repeated his question almost laughingly.  "Uh because it would be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me and I don't ever want him to look at me like sad puppy hoping for a bone."

Her medical colleague and close friend stifled his laughter.  "Don't you think you're being a little melodramatic Jing Mei?  I mean, I don't think the guy would treat you like a dog needing to be petted or anything."

She shook her head.  "No," she choked.  "It would be _worse_!  He'd treat me like one those blonde tacky women he's tossed over his shoulder and I'd never be able to talk to him like a friend again."

It was a massive mistake Jing Mei vowed she'd never make with John.  He had so many girlfriends and so many lady acquaintances in his life; Jing Mei felt like she was someone special.  She was a constant in his life.  John would never lose touch with her because they'd never been anything but friends.  Jing Mei shook her head once again as she thought about Henry's suggestion.  There was no way that she would ever tell John that she had ever imagined anything more than friendship.  How could she?

Jing Mei closed her eyes and prayed that Henry wouldn't press her on the matter.  She was tired and she didn't want to think about it anymore.  Jing Mei needed respite from her heart's dilemma.

~~~

John flung his bag on the kitchen counter as he slowly trudged into his bedroom.  He was so tired he could hardly keep his eyes open.  There were days when John thanked 'the powers that be', the day he managed to graduated med school and didn't have to attend any more boring lectures.  It was more exhausting than he'd cared to remember.

As he grabbed a change of clothes, John, eyes half-closed, wandered into his bathroom for a nice hot shower.  "Hey John, are you home already?" a woman's voice shouted, followed by a click of the door.

John stared blearily into the bathroom mirror and rubbed his eyes.  "Yeah Abby," he called.  "I'm in the bathroom.  I'm taking a shower and going to bed!"

"Bed?" Abby said curiously as she poked her head around the corner and found John standing, almost in a trance, in front of the mirror.  "But it's so early!  We could go for supper or maybe even catch an early movie?"

As John shook his head, he felt like it was taking all his mental strength to move it right to left, left to right.  "I'm not in the mood," he sighed.  John turned around so that he was facing Abby, who had just slid the rest of her body to where her head was, which was in the doorway.  "Even if I don't go to sleep after a nice relaxing shower, I think I'm just going to veg in front of the TV.  My brain wasn't stimulated to thought today."

Abby laughed at John's drooping face.  "All right," she sighed.  "How about _you_ take a shower, with _me_," she thought the idea might stimulate the tired doctor to activity, "and then maybe afterwards we can order Chinese?" Abby suggested.  "I haven't eaten supper yet."

John grinned mischievously and slowly wrapped his arms around Abby, lowering his lips to hers.  "Sounds like a plan," he mumbled in between kisses.  "Far be it for me to argue with a nurse!"

"Exactly," Abby smiled coyly, as she began to extract herself from the red blouse she was wearing.  John was already in a bathrobe and he reluctantly pulled himself away from Abby's embrace to run the water in the shower.  As he was letting the small droplets of water rain down lightly on his open palm, Abby had managed to strip to nothing except the slip she was wearing underneath her clothes.  "Did you see anyone we know at the conference?" she asked distractedly.

John nodded tiredly.  "Yeah," he chuckled, remembering his surprise at Deb's appearance.  "Deb was there."

Just as Abby wrapped her arms around John's waist, she tilted her head back, and frowned.  "Dr. Chen was there?" Abby said disquieted by the information.  "Did you _know_ that she was going to be there?"

John turned away from the shower, and wiped his wet hand on the side of his bathrobe.  He looked at her curiously.  "No.  Why?" he asked, confused.  John kissed her on the forehead before reaching behind her and grabbing a bottle of shampoo he'd bought on the way home.

"No reason," Abby said dismissively.

"Okay," John laughed.  "You know you can probably call her Deb, if you want?"

Abby frowned.  "Why?" she asked, tilting her head slightly.

John shrugged.  "I don't know.  Because Dr. Chen sounds so formal and you and she are friends?"

Abby let out a short breath and pulled away from John, her face smiling quizzically at him.  "Who gave you that idea John?" Abby asked confused.  "Dr. Chen and I hardly know each other.  It's not like we _hang_ out together or anything."

John shrugged, and an apologetic look formed on his face.  "I'm sorry," he said.  "I just thought you were.  It must have been me…"  His voice trailed off.

Abby shook her head as she laughed half-heartedly.  "Yeah, it must have been you," she retorted softly.

John pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows.  He glanced around the room as if she were talking to someone else, averting his gaze from the now blonde nurse.  "What is this about Abby?" he asked.

The question grated on her nerves.  She felt herself shrink back from it, as if it's words would touch her.  Abby rolled her eyes and shook her head.  "Never mind," she said curtly.  "It's nothing."

John scratched his head and looked at her disbelievingly.  "I don't believe you," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Well it's nothing," Abby repeated, turning her back on him and picking up the blouse and skirt she had on previously.  She folded it slowly and meticulously, placing the clothes neatly on the bathroom counter.

John grabbed her arm gently and turned her around.  "What did I do?" he asked.

"I said forget it," Abby stated firmly.  Abby didn't understand why he was pressing the matter.  She didn't want to talk about it.  Actually, Abby wanted to forget she even brought it up.  It was nothing.  Abby looked up at John blankly and raised her hands to her shoulders.  She slipped off the cream-colored rayon slip and smiled.  "Are we taking a shower?" she whispered suggestively.

Abby then slowly slipped passed John, her hand catching on the soft smooth belt that held his bathrobe closed, loosening it.  She tugged at it a little harder until the bathrobe fell open, and then stepped into the shower.  As she slid opened the door, white billows of steam swirled upwards toward the ceiling.  Abby crooked her index finger towards her, beckoning John to follow.

John debated whether he should let himself be coaxed into the nice hot shower with a woman he thought was sexy as hell.  He swallowed hard and just shook his head and smiled half-heartedly.  They'd talk about his later.

~~~

Luka walked into the church that had been haunting him lately.  He needed to find out what was pulling him there.  It was as if something was beckoning him and Luka couldn't resist.

As he strode into the dusty church, Luka realized that there was something different about it this evening.  At the front of the church, two candelabras lined with white candles were sitting on the oak table lined with a white lace tablecloth.  He creased his brown in confusion.  The church hadn't been used in years, as Luka had found out from asking locals from the neighborhood.  It was a relic, a monument to historical old churches.

"Hello?" Luka called out hesitantly.  "Is anyone here?"

Luka walked up to the front of the church, and looked around uneasily.  When he was certain that the church was empty, Luka allowed his body to relax and chuckled out loud.  "You're really losing it Kovac," he mumbled to himself.

He rested his right hand on one of the pews and swung himself around and sat down.  Luka groaned, allowing himself to voice the displeasure of the aches and pains that came with age.  "You certainly aren't getting any younger."

As he surveyed the old rugged cross, Luka was reminded of a hymn Daniella used to sing over the din of the TV and the children's incessant chatter.  "Now how did it go?" he said out loud.  Luka began to hum the music to himself.  He closed his eyes and remembered coming into their apartment and just leaning against the doorframe as he watched Daniella dusting the furniture while singing.
    
    _"Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;"_ 
    
    _The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide._
    
    _When other helpers fail and comforts flee,_
    
    _Help of the helpless, O abide with me," _he whispered, finishing the last words of the first verse.  The only words he'd ever learned.
    
    Luka scoffed gently and shook his head.  "I don't even know why I come here," he sighed, looking up at the wooden cross.  "I don't really even _believe_ in you.  Daniella was the one who had faith.  I just tagged along."  Luka fell deep into thought, wishing that he could let go of old demons.

"Is that what you really believe?" a voice asked startling him.

Luka turned around to face the stranger.  She was tall and lanky.  The woman's face was hidden in the shadows of the dark church.  "Who are you?" he growled ever so slightly.  Luka wasn't in the mood for visitors and he didn't like when people snuck up on him.

The woman moved forward and sat down in the pew behind him.  "You have a very nice voice," she whispered to Luka.  The stranger leaned forward enough to reveal her dark round eyes and long straight black hair.  In the light of the moon's rays, a smile was revealed to him on her pale face.  She couldn't have been more than 30.

Luka cleared his voice and nodded slightly in acknowledgement of the compliment.  "I wasn't expecting any visitors."

"Well, you looked kind of lonely sitting here by yourself."

Luka shrugged.  "I don't even know why I'm here. It's dark and empty, and no one ever comes here except me."  He paused a moment and tilted his head towards her.  "And you, maybe."

The woman smiled and offered her hand.  "I'm Danny," she said, grasping his hand and shaking it.

"Luka."

Danny leaned forward and rested her arms on the back of the pew Luka was sitting on.  She looked like a curious child, studying something fascinating.  "Luka?" she repeated.  "That's an odd name.  You aren't from around here are you?"

Luka shook his head.  "Originally from Croatia," he admitted.

"Well, Luka from Croatia, why are you sitting in this empty church alone?"

If that he had an answer to that question, Luka thought to himself.  Instead, he smiled mystified.  "I don't know.  I sit here and tell a god I don't believe in that I don't believe in him."

Danny's thin brows lifted.  "Now that seems strange," she chuckled.

Luka lowered his eyes and began picking at a chipped fingernail.  "I suppose.  It just seems like I can't get away from him you know?" he sighed.  "I would never have stepped into this church if there wasn't this nagging feeling I keep having.  It just seems to keep hounding me."

The young woman rested her cold hands on his, which stopped fidgeting as the coolness pervaded him.  Luka lifted his gaze until it met hers, which were calm and soothing.  "You know sometimes He'll hound you until you give in and just listen," she said softly.  "I know by experience."

"Really?" he retorted, skeptical that God would actually be chasing him.

"Yes."

"And why would he want to get my attention?" Luka asked mournfully.

Danny shrugged, pulling her hands away from his and leaned back in her pew.  "You never know.  It could be anything.  But if I'm a good observer, you seem to be stuck in the past."

Luka rolled his eyes and stood up.  His leg was getting a cramp and he needed to get some blood circulating again.  As he stretched, Luka glanced briefly to the cross, which softly glowed above the flickering flames of the candles.  He rubbed his face, wanting to get rid of the tiredness that seemed to linger always.  He perched himself upon the back of the pew behind him and rested his feet where he'd just been sitting.  "What makes you think that?" he challenged wearily.

"Well you were sitting here very quietly before you started to sing that hymn.  And as I came closer, I couldn't help but notice how tired and sad you looked.  And usually, people aren't sad about the now.  Plus you had this kind of far away look in your eyes, like you were thinking of another time and place," she admitted, blushing under his intense gaze.  "I'm sorry if I'm being presumptuous.  I didn't mean to stick my nose in your business."

Luka smiled as the sweet woman began to look flustered as she rambled, trying to apologize, while her hands gestured wildly in the air.  "It's fine," he reassured.  "I didn't know I was that easy to read."

The woman stopped her ramblings and clasped her hands together.  "Oh, you aren't," she replied quickly.  "I just…well, I like to watch people."

Luka nodded.  "Well, maybe you're right," he then said after taking a moment to ponder about her comments.  "I could be thinking about the past."  He looked at his watch.  It was almost 11.  Luka dropped his feet to the floor and stood up, dusting off the back of his jacket.  "But maybe I belong in the past.  I've tried to let go and it keeps hanging on."

Danny followed suit and stood up, folding her arms across her chest.  "I don't think so," she replied intensely.  Danny's gaze remained on him as she spoke.  "You wouldn't be here, talking about this stuff if you wanted to live in the past.  Heck you probably wouldn't be here at all."

Luka frowned.  "What are you talking about?"

"Well you asked yourself earlier why you were even here?" she said matter-of-factly.  Luka nodded.  "Yes, so?" he scoffed, not following where she was going.

"I think maybe you're here because you want to move on."  Danny paused a moment to let that idea sink in.  "Maybe He's telling you to let go?  That you don't need to hang on to all the past stuff?  Maybe God's chasing you and telling you that to move on, you need to let go?"

"Well, I've tried that, didn't seem to work," Luka retorted, stepping out into the aisle to head home.

Danny followed.  "You know, maybe you're just using the past as an excuse to not move on?" she asked, pressing on the church door handle and letting a brisk breeze of the cold night air hit them.

Luka shook his head.  "Now you're reaching," he said as he walked down the sidewalk leading to the church.  "You don't even know me!"

Luka suddenly realized that Danny was no longer beside him.  He turned around and found her standing at the entrance to the church.  "You know it's not healthy holding onto something that will never come back to you?" she called from the front step.

Luka swallowed and stuffed his hands in his warm wool coat.  "I'm not."

Danny smiled knowingly.  "Yes you are."  The wind picked up and suddenly blew a strand of hair across her face.  She brushed her hand across her cheek, tucking the long black hair behind her ear.  "Luka!" she cried out.

Luka pulled his hands out of his pocket and raised them into the air.  "What?" he yelled.

"If you ask Him what to do, He will answer you!" she replied.

"That's what blind fools say," he retorted bitterly.  "I don't know what He wants with me.  I don't have anything."

Luka watched as her head lowered for a moment, mumbling something under her breath and then raised her head again.  She took a few steps forward and then stopped.  "Luka, there's nothing any of us have that He wants.  It's about what He has that He wants to give us."  She paused tossing her long hair over her shoulder.  "Listen, in a world that is full of people who look out for themselves and think that that's a way to live, He's here telling us that it doesn't have to be that way."

"Luka, God loves you and He wants you to be happy."

He'd heard it all before.  The priest that he'd helped in the ER, his strange encounters with other strange patients.  Luka was getting a little tired of the preaching.  "Look, I have to go," Luka sighed, motioning that he was moving toward the gate.

Danny opened her mouth to say something, but then strangely, slowly closed it.  Luka smiled and waved goodbye.  "Thanks for listening and trying to help," he called back.

Suddenly the wind picked up and Danny's long black hair blew in front of her face.  Luka saw her turn back towards the church and disappear behind the heavy stained oak doors.  He stood behind the black iron gates and stared at the tall stone church.  Luka could still see the flickering of the candlelight behind the stain glass windows.

He stuffed his hands into his pockets again and headed back home.  Luka was surprised at the night he'd had.  He never expected to have such a probing conversation with a strange woman he'd never met before.  Luka laughed as he glanced back at the church.  Strange things happen behind church doors, Luka thought.

Just as he was about to cross the street, Luka heard what seemed to be music coming from the old building.  It seemed to be a woman's voice singing loudly and clearly.  At first Luka didn't know what she was saying, but then as he closed his eyes and listened intently he could make out the words.

_"Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;_

_Earth's joys grow dim; it's glories pass away;_

_Change and decay in all around I see;_

_Oh Thou who changest not, abide with me."_


	15. sa15

Softly Awaken

Chapter Fifteen

*****

Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day,

Or like vinegar poured on soda,

Is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.

                                                                                                      Prov. 25:20

*****

John lay in bed staring up at the stucco ceiling.  The thin pale blue sheet draped over his body, like in a Renaissance painting.  Not that he thought he'd actually be worth painting.  He turned his to the left and watched Abby sleeping.  Her long brown hair covered her face, as her arms were entangled around the soft white pillow.  

John curled on his side and watched Abby for a few minutes.  They had almost had a fight that evening over Deb.  His brow furrowed as his finger lightly brushed the hair out of her face and gently placing it over her shoulder.  She drowsily batted at his hand, which had already moved out of the way and he watched her go back to sleep.  

He couldn't figure out why she had such a problem with Deb.  She hadn't done anything to Abby, and it had been a month or so since her involvement in the intervention that Luka had staged.  John thought they'd worked things out.  Abby didn't seem to have any problems with Susan or Luka, so why Deb?

_'She could be jealous of Deb_,' a voice sang in his head.

The thought made John sigh softly and run his hand through his sandy hair.  Why would she be jealous of Deb?  John didn't understand why the mentioning of Deb's name always seemed to make Abby tense and distant.  Was he flirting with Deb?  John shook his head at the thought.  No, he'd never flirted with Deb in his life.

Suddenly Abby began to mumble and shift restlessly beside him.  John waited as she settled back into a deep sleep before slowly sliding out of the warm comfort of his bed.  He picked his bathrobe off the floor and wrapped it around his body.  As he shuffled into the living room, John couldn't help but think about the way he acted around Deb.  He analyzed it, trying to see it from various points of view, and every time, John came back to the same conclusion:  he and Deb were just good friends.

_'Are you sure?' _the voice asked quietly.

"Of what?" John mumbled to himself.  He shook his head.  He couldn't believe he was having a conversation with himself.  "Get a grip John."

As he walked into the kitchen John grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and poured himself a glass of water out of the Brita water pitcher.  John leaned against the ledge of the sink and thought back to earlier that evening.  He had missed talking with Deb and the close connection they had dealing with each other's problems or with work.  She hadn't said anything really specific, but John knew that Deb wasn't enjoying Mercy as much as she let on.  They had almost found a rhythm when working together, since their med school days.

Suddenly John was startled by the sharp, ringing of the phone.  John put down his glass and walked over to the coffee table in the living room and snatched the cordless receiver, pressing the 'talk' button, once more allowing silence to reign.  "Hello?" he whispered, peering over his shoulder to see if it had awoken Abby.

"John?" Deb's voice huffed over the phone.

"Deb?" he said curiously.  John frowned.  "What's the matter?"  It had been a while since Deb had just phoned him up out of the blue.  It seemed odd.  John collapsed onto the couch behind him and leaned his head back against the cushions.  Deb didn't respond; there was just the soft cadence of breathing over the receiver.  "C'mon Deb, what's going on?" he asked, hoping to coax out some conversation out of an obviously upset Deb.

"He's out of the coma John," she said quickly.

John wasn't expecting that, and his brow furrowed.  "That's…great!" he replied, stunned.  "I can't believe it!  That's great news!"  The realization that Stephen had awakened from the long month of uncertainty put a smile on John's face.  He could imagine how relieved Deb and the rest of her family were.  It took a moment for the excitement to bubble to the surface, but John was elated that Deb had one less thing to worry about.

"I know," Deb sighed.  "I'm sorry if I woke you up.  I know we both had a long day after that conference."

John shook his head and replied, "No way!  I'm glad you phoned me.  I was actually thinking of you when you phoned."

"Really?" Deb drawled mischievously, "And were they _naughty_ thoughts?"

John blushed and was glad that Deb couldn't see him over the phone.  "No," he laughed.  "So how is he?  How are his motor functions?"

"Well from what the doctors tell us, there has been no brain damage and he doesn't seem to have any permanent damage to his spinal column," Deb explained thoughtfully.  "I think he might make a full recovery yet."

The joy in Deb's voice wasn't hidden any longer.  John could tell that she would be jumping up and down once she got off the phone.  "So I bet Jen and your parents are ecstatic?" he asked.

"Yeah," she laughed.  "I've never seen my parents this excited before.  Except maybe that time when we almost set the house on fire.  And that wasn't a 'good' excited, if you know what I mean."  There was a short pause and then Deb spoke again.  "John, I really appreciate you being here for me, though all of this.  You're a good friend."

John smiled.  "Well, you know…"  Unexpectedly a tap on the shoulder interrupted John.  "Who is it John?" Abby asked groggily.  John turned around and saw Abby standing with her shoulders slouched and hair disheveled.  He put up his finger, signaling for her to wait a second.  "Deb, can you hang on a second?"

John heard Deb agree, before he turned and smiled excitedly at Abby.  "It's Deb," he said, pointing to the phone.

"I heard," Abby said somewhat irritably.  "And _why_ is she phoning at 12 in the morning?"

John frowned.  "She just wanted to let me know that Stephen just woke up from his coma," John replied incredulously.  "Can you believe it?  Looking at his case, I thought for sure there'd be complications."  John searched Abby's face for some sign of excitement or elation for Deb and her brother, but all he saw was Abby trying to muster some form of feigned happiness.  

"Good," she smiled half-heartedly.  Abby walked around the couch, she was wearing one of John's shirts and leaned on the armrest.  "And he's fine?" she asked.

John nodded.  He was about to tell Abby more when he heard a muffled voice over the phone.  "Just a second," he said, pressing the phone back to his ear.  "What?" John asked.

"I just wanted to say that I have to go," said Deb.  "The doctors are coming out and said we could go visit him for a while."

John sighed.  "All right.  But phone me tomorrow and let me know how Stephen is coming along.  And wish him all the best from me."

As he pressed 'end' to turn off the phone, John found Abby staring blankly at him.  "Is something wrong?" John asked.  "Aren't you glad that Deb's brother is all right?"

Abby tilted her head and continued to stare at him.  Finally she nodded her head and plastered a smile on her face.  "Yeah, John.  I'm excited!"  Her voice dripped with sarcasm.  "I'm so glad she decided to call you up in the middle of the night to tell you that."

John shook his head.  "I don't get why you're getting so upset about this?  I thought about this possibility, but I didn't want to believe it," he said incredulously.  "But are you _jealous_ of Deb?"

Abby looked at him dubiously and laughed.  "Are you kidding me?  Why would I be jealous?"  She got up and walked into the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator door.  "You and I are a _couple_ and she _isn't_ even your _type_!" Abby scoffed, while pulling out a bottle of orange juice.  "Why would I be _jealous_?"

John set down the phone beside him and watched Abby as she busied herself with a glass of orange juice and walked around restlessly.  "I don't know, you tell me?"

Abby stopped her pacing and looked at John.  "If you really want to know Carter, I'm just getting tired of hearing about how much time you've been spending with _Deb_ and how _Deb_ just happened to be at the medical conference…" Her voice trailed off.

John raised his brows in shock.  He had no idea how his talking about Deb was gnawing at her.  "But she's _just_ a friend," he frowned.  "It's not like I have feelings for her in _that_ _way_."  When he said that, he felt a strange lump in her throat.  He felt guilty for saying that, for some unbeknownst reason.  The way he felt for Abby was different than the way he felt for Deb.  

'_But how?' a voice challenged inside his head._

Abby just stood behind the kitchen counter with one hand resting on her hip and the other rubbing her temple.  "_Fine_, you're just friends," she replied curtly.  "I'm sorry I brought it up.  I'm just imagining things."  She turned around and set her empty glass of juice in the kitchen sink and then walked towards the bedroom.

John stood up and walked over to her and stopped her.  "Look Abby, I really mean it when I say we're _just_ friends.  She's someone I like to talk to.  We've been friends forever," he explained soothingly.  John wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her closer.  "It's like you and Luka.  You guys are friends and _just_ that."

"Except we _slept_ together," Abby said tersely, looking up at John accusingly.  "Are you planning on _sleeping_ with Deb?"

John shook his head and he could feel the blood rushing to his face.  "No!  That's not what I'm saying!" he cried jerking his head off of Abby's shoulder.  "It's like you and Luka now!  I mean you guys are friends and colleagues right?  Guys and girls _can_ have platonic relationships!"

Abby sighed and pulled out of John's embrace.  "Obviously you haven't noticed John, but Luka and I are _definitely_ not in the 'just friends' category," she said pointedly.  "And maybe you just don't care, or you're too blind to notice."  Abby let out a frustrated sigh.  "But I can't blame you for not seeing it, since you've been spending an awful lot of time with her, _your friend_, rather than me, _your girlfriend_."

John frowned at the accusation.  "I know it's been a tough couple of weeks," he admitted woefully.  "But Stephen's getting better and I'll be around a lot more." He promised himself he would. "I mean Deb just had a rough month and as a _friend_…"  John put his emphasis on the word 'friend'.  "It's not like I could just abandon her, could I?"

"No.  You're right," Abby nodded excitedly.  She unexpectedly laughed and shook her head.  "So you'd rather abandon your girlfriend?" she said incredulously.  "No wonder you've been through so many girlfriends!"

John was taken aback at her spiteful comment.  "That was a low blow," he frowned.  "What has gotten into you?"

Abby closed her eyes and pushed John away.  "I have an early shift tomorrow and I need some sleep.  Can we just not do this right now," Abby sighed, looking up at him irritably.

John was speechless.  This was a side of Abby he'd never seen before.  Something was eating at Abby, and he didn't know if Deb was just a small part of her troubles or whether she was just an excuse.  It was like he didn't even know her.  But right then, John didn't have the energy to figure it out.  He shrugged and raised his hands in surrender.  "Fine.  Whatever," he answered in disbelief as he watched her head wearily the bedroom.

John wasn't going to get dragged into a game of cat and mouse with her.  He was tired of it.  Abby always seemed to shut herself off from people when she was dealing with her emotions; she was almost in a state of denial.  John had been through it before as her friend.  This time, as someone closer to her than an acquaintance, Abby didn't seem to realize that she could rely on him – even more than when he was her friend.  Sometimes he wondered how she ever managed to be married.  She had to have trusted him a lot.  John glanced at the clock hanging over the stove in the kitchen.  12:46 a.m.  

As he stretched his arms above his head and opened his mouth reflexively while yawning, John rubbed his eyes and pulled the plaid fleece blanket that hung on the back of the couch.  He wouldn't fall asleep with Abby beside him.  Not after the way she had been acting.  John again, didn't realize how hard some relationships could be.  It always seemed to be women who gave him the troubles.  Maybe it was him.  But this time, Abby had some part in it.  He wasn't the only dysfunctional partner in the relationship.  They both had a lot of issues within themselves to deal with let alone each other.

John stretched out on the couch and lay the blanket over top of him.  As much as he wanted this relationship to work, just on the basic level of communication and trust - a staple in any relationship- John knew there was only so much pushing away and non-committal jargon he could handle.  Abby had to learn to talk to him and ask for help when she was down and out.  At this point in their relationship, it was a level in their relationship he had thought they would easily rise to.  But now, John realized that Abby needed to learn that he was someone she could trust and John couldn't do that for her.

~~~

Luka was working on the mounds of charts he'd accumulated from pulling a double shift that day.  He didn't mind it so much, as it gave him time to be alone, and to think.  Though, in some people's opinions, it might be the opposite of what he needed.

"Brooding again?" Susan asked peering into the empty exam room.

Luka looked up from his charts and smiled.  "No," he replied.  "Just finishing up my charts."

"Well it certainly looks like you're brooding," she joked.  Susan picked up a stray chart and began fidgeting with the metal bindings.  "You seem really tired and quiet today."

Luka sighed and set down Mrs. Darkles chart.  "Well we mid eastern types can be that way sometimes," he smirked, raising one of his dark heavy eyebrows "What are you up to?  Too quiet in the ER so you've come to badger me some more?"

Susan stuck out her tongue, which seemed juvenile to Luka, but made him chuckle.  She always seemed to have it together.  But Luka knew otherwise, during their conversations over coffee, Susan gave him some insight on the troubles with her drug addicted sister and losing her sister's baby.  "You know that you're going to have to interact with the rest of the world _sometime_," Susan chided.  "You can't stay a hermit for the rest of your life, especially when you are a doctor at County."

As Luka leaned on the moveable cart and shrugged, Susan closed the gap between them.  "You really need a _woman_, you know that?" Susan said bluntly.

"A what?" Luka choked, trying to stifle his amusement.

"You heard me, a _woman._"  Susan also raised her eyebrow in a reproachful glare.

"And what?  You're that woman?" Luka winked, hoping that he could charm his way out of the conversation, which was moving in a direction he didn't want to go.

"No, I just think there's someone out there for you, but you won't even know it if you don't let anyone in."

"I let people in," he protested.

Susan rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips.  "Uh, having one night stands with the nurses or other women you meet in bars is not letting people in Luka," she chided.

"That's not what I've been doing.  Besides, I can't help it if women like to throw themselves at my feet!"  Luka watched his friend sigh in exasperation.  He smiled inwardly, knowing he was wearing Susan down.  Soon she would throw her hands up in the air and scream, 'Uncle'.  "Hey, I'm not a _cad_," he protested, pointing at her with the end of the pen that was in his hand.

"I know," Susan said defensively, trying to settle him down.  "And say I believe your story about the fact that you're not just fooling around with all the women 'throwing themselves at you'… _why aren't you_?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why aren't you sleeping with some of these uh, in my opinion," she shrugged casually, "beautiful ladies? Nurses or other wise?  You're a red-blooded man.  You have needs!"  Susan folded her arms across her chest and furrowed her brow, waiting for an answer.  "Heck, _I_ have needs and wouldn't hesitate to sleep with a couple of hot guys throwing themselves at me!  If there were any…"  Susan pouted and a look of disappointment crossed her face.

Luka laughed and leaned back in the swivel chair.  "I'm sure there are a lot of doctors that probably wouldn't have a problem with that proposition," Luka teased.

"Well you haven't met some of the doctors here!"  Susan rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue, showing her impression of some of the doctors at County.  Then rolling up the corner of her sleeve, she briefly glanced at her watch.  "I've got a couple of minutes, but let me just point something out," Susan said wagging her finger at Luka.

He nodded.  "Go ahead, it's not like I could stop you," Luka laughed, gesturing her to continue.

"If you're really not lonely and trying to research what it is to become a shut in, tell me the last time you seriously asked a girl out with the intention of actually staying with her?"

Luka lowered his eyes and swallowed uncomfortably.  He didn't really want to talk about Abby, and answering the question would open the door for his nosy friend.  It seemed like most of his conversations ended up with Susan talking about how he felt about Abby.  It made him curious.  Throwing his pen on the table, he furrowed his brow and looked at Susan.  "Are you still interested in Carter?"

Susan's eyes opened, like a deer caught in headlights.  "What?" she yelled, but covered her mouth when she realized that she had.  "What?" she asked once more, but a bit softer.  Susan still had a stunned expression on her face.

Luka didn't quite know why Susan was so fixated on his relationship with Abby.  He had gone through all the possible explanations in his mind and the only one was that she wanted him back and to get Carter back, Susan would need Abby out of the way.  Luka would be the first to admit that it really didn't make any sense since Susan had broken up with Carter.  But then again it did because she only broke up with him because of Abby.  He sighed and looked up at Susan.  "Uh, nothing," he said regretting opening his big fat mouth.

"You're kidding right?" Susan exclaimed, leaning forward and resting her hands on her lap and burst out laughing.

Luka stared enigmatically at Susan.  Obviously he was wrong.  He swallowed and shook his head.  "I'm sorry, I was completely out of line saying that!" Luka apologized, running his fingers through his hair.

Susan wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes and gasped for breath.  "You…you thought I was trying to get Carter?" she choked out through the fits of laughter and gasps of breath.  "Oh God, that's funny!"  Susan bent forward, holding her stomach.  Finally she stood up, the laughter had stopped, with the exception of a few giggles and Susan rested her right hand on her chest.  "Boy," Susan exclaimed, taking a deep breath.  "I never expected that."

Luka felt foolish and misguided.  How wrong could he have been?  But it seemed like a logical assumption, especially the way the women around the ER crooned over Dr. John Carter, cutest ER doc at County.  Luka frowned in disgust.  He didn't understand why woman swooned over him.  Not that he had anything against the guy.  As he looked up, he found Susan gazing intently at him.  "What?" Luka frowned suspiciously at her.  "Is there something on me?"

Susan shook her head 'no'.  "You changed the subject."

"What?"

"You changed the subject," Susan repeated.

"I didn't," Luka denied, waving his hand at her dismissively.

"The question was asked and never answered," she sang disapprovingly.

"And that was?"

"When the last time you had any semblance of a serious relationship when you didn't just simply run away?"

"Abby," he stated.

Susan scoffed when he said her name.  As he sat there, Luka furrowed his brow and lifted his hands in the air.  "What?  Abby and I were dating for a long time!" he exclaimed.

"But again, like we talked about before…you don't let them in Luka!"

Luka shook his head and waved his hands at Susan, motioning her to leave.  She didn't know what she was talking about.  He and Abby had been serious, as serious as one gets with Abby before she begins inventing problems with the person.  Luka inwardly chided himself.  He couldn't blame it all on Abby.  Luka did have his own set of problems that he hadn't dealt with.  But that didn't matter anymore.  She found someone who could listen to her attentively and anticipate her every need.  Heck, he didn't even know when someone was an alcoholic, or what one was until recently.  Luka didn't feel like talking about this anymore.

 "I have a lot of charts to do," he mumbled, burying his head back into the pile of charts.

"You know I'm telling you this as a friend Luka," Susan coaxed, closing the chart Luka had begun to work on again.

He looked up and snorted.  "With _friends_ like you, who needs _enemies_?" he scoffed.

Susan winked.  She didn't seem to pick up on his irritable mood.  "But you know you love me, right?" she smirked.

Luka lowered his head in defeat and growled.  "You know you could _wear_ a man down?" he grunted.

"Yup.  In more ways than one," Susan grinned mischievously.  "Let's go get some coffee.  I'm about due for a break!"

Luka stood up slowly and piled his charts in one neat stack.  "But you were in here on a break?" he pointed out dubiously.

Susan shrugged and slapped him on the back.  "It's dead in the ER!  Pratt, Weaver, and Weaver can handle it."

"Fine!" he groaned as Susan pulled him from his seat, which he'd so diligently warmed for the past hour or so.  "But you're paying!"

Susan closed her eyes and stuck her short stubby tongue out at Luka.  He laughed.  "You know if you keep doing that, you're libel for it to get stuck that way!" Luka warned as he followed her out of the exam room.

~~~

It was her turn to sit with Stephen.  Jing Mei had switched her shifts that morning when she had found out that Stephen had awaken.  It took a lot of pleading and some unseemly promises, but sitting there beside him, holding his warm hand, made it all worth it for Jing Mei.  He had woken up for just a few minutes and smiled at her before falling back to sleep.

She had sent Jen to go for a cup of coffee.  It was amazing to watch her brother's girlfriend stay by his side, and how strong she had been through it all.  Jing Mei didn't know how she did it.  She had been a total wreck.  As strong and in control as she would have liked everyone to believe she was, Jing Mei broke down when Stephen was left in the coma.  If John hadn't been there, she didn't know how she could have made it through.

"Hey?" Jen's soft voice called to her.  Jing Mei peered up and found her standing in the doorway of Stephen's room.   "Do you want some coffee?"  Her smile always brought some sort of peace to Jing Mei's heart, she couldn't explain it; Jen just drew people to her with her gentle spirit.

"Yeah," Jing Mei answered, reaching out for the steaming Styrofoam cup in Jen's outstretched hand.  Jen sat down on the chair next to hers. "Thanks."  She closed her eyes and took a deep long gulp of the hot liquid caffeine.  When she had indulged in a moment of weakness, Jing Mei looked up at Jen who was once again, holding Stephen's hand.  "You know I did tell you to go wander the hallways, just so you can stretch your legs," Jing Mei chided.

Jen's blue eyes twinkled as she smiled at Jing Mei and shook her head.  Her long wavy now blondish brown hair was pulled tightly into a ponytail, though there were stray tendrils framing her pale face.  "I don't mind.  I hate to be away from him for long periods of time," she explained quietly.  She turned and glanced lovingly at Stephen, who lay sleeping peacefully in the squeaky bed.  Then unexpectedly she frowned for a moment looked up at Jing Mei.  "You know what I realized?"  Jennifer leaned her arm on the foot of the bed and smiled.  "That this is the most time I've gotten to spend with him in a month," she giggled.

Jing Mei smiled and wrapped both her hands around the Styrofoam cup, as if it were her large favorite mug and leaned back in her chair.  "I'm sure it's hard not getting to see Stephen all the time.  Doctors work crazy hours," she sighed.  "I should know."  Jennifer laughed.  Her laugh was like someone singing a soft melody.  It was soft and gentle, as Jing Mei was finding Jennifer was. 

"What can I do?  I have to put up with it," Jen shrugged.  She turned and gazed tenderly towards Stephen again, turning the strong hand in hers over and stroking the inside of his palm delicately.  Jennifer seemed deep in thought, but then turned and looked over at Jing Mei with an illuminating smile.  "I love him."

Jing Mei lowered her eyes and stared understandingly into her coffee cup.  "Yeah," she nodded.  "I know."

Suddenly Stephen uttered a low deep groan.  "You girls talking about me _again_?" Stephen joked groggily.  "You know you should let patients who have been in a coma, _rest_, Jing Mei."

Jing Mei leaned forward and rubbed his forearm.  "Well you're an _exception_," she said defiantly.  "You've slept way too much already.  I bet all of this was just to get out of settling me in at _Mercy_ too!"  Jing Mei raised her eyebrow skeptically, and then a huge grin took the place of her serious expression.

Stephen lifted both his arms and placed his hands against his chest.  "Who _me_?" he laughed tiredly.  "I definitely think you overestimate what I'll do just to get out of hanging out with you!"  He closed his eyes and licked his dry cracked lips.  His brow creased as he apparently was trying to think of something.  Finally he opened them again and smiled.  "Are you guys going to hover over me like that all day?"

"That would be the last thing I would be complaining about right now," John said laughing.  "Why don't you and I trade places and you do my rounds and I'll lie there with Deb and Jen swooning over me!"

Jing Mei looked up and was startled to see John standing in the doorway.  "John," she gasped softly.  "I didn't know you were working the day shift today."

John nodded, tugging on the stethoscope that hung loosely around his neck.  "Uh, I got called in early," he sighed, slowly stepping into the room, leaning against the nearest wall.  "So Stephen, good to see you up."

Jing Mei glanced at her brother who lifted his arm slightly and saluted, acknowledging John's well wishes.  "Well I'll be out of here before you know it!" Stephen exclaimed.  "Can't let little sis take over at Mercy you know?"

Jing Mei rolled her eyes as Stephen pulled her down into a small bear hug.  As she wrapped her arms around her brother's neck, Jing Mei couldn't express how much it meant to her to be able to do that.  "And I love you too," she mumbled dryly as she pulled out of the embrace.  Jing Mei lowered her head so that her short black hair would cover face long enough to wipe away the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes.

"Well, I gotta get back downstairs," John chirped, pushing himself against the wall and onto his feet.  "I just wanted to drop in and say hello."  He waved with his right hand as both of them were still wrapped around the stethoscope.

"Thank you for dropping by," Jennifer smiled as she pulled Stephen's hand to her chest.

"_Wait_ John!" Jing Mei called as she stepped around the chair she had just been sitting on for the past three hours.  She jogged over to the doorway and walked John out of the room.  She glanced back and put up one finger, signaling to her brother, Jing Mei would only be a second.

"Yeah?" John said, cocking his head to the side.

"I just wanted to apologize for calling so late last night," she sighed.  When she heard Abby's groggy voice vaguely on the phone, Jing Mei had wanted to die.  Her face had flushed, and she felt like a complete idiot.  Jing Mei had chided herself for not remembering that Abby would most logically be there, as it was her apartment.  "I woke you guys up and it was inconsiderate of me."

John frowned and shook his head.  "Like I said, it wasn't a problem.  I was awake anyway."

Jing Mei bit her lip and looked up with uncertain whether he was telling her the truth or just trying to make her feel bad.  "But…"  

John interrupted her.  "No!" John exclaimed as his familiar reassuring crooked grin appeared on his face.  "I'm serious.  Don't worry about it."

Jing Mei wasn't too sure about that.  As she squirmed under her baby blue sweater, Jing Mei grimaced.  "Abby didn't sound to happy about it," she blurted out.  Her shoulders fell and it was as if a weight had been dropped off her shoulders.  "And I'm sure she worked last night too, so she must have been tired."  The more she thought about it and said it out loud, the worse it sounded.  She had been such a flake to phone John, even with such good news.

Suddenly John's hands rested on her shoulders, making her stop squirming.  She looked up at John and sighed.  "I'm such a dork!" she laughed.

His eyes twinkled as he smiled at her and rolled his eyes.  "No argument there," he smirked.  "But if you tell me how sorry you are one more time, I'm going to have to revoke your telephone privileges!"  John let his arms slide down her arms, which almost sent a shiver down her spine.  Uncomfortably, Jing Mei took a step back.  He _was_ taken.  "Well then I guess I shouldn't say that, then," Jing Mei laughed.

Suddenly a quiet but piercing 'beep' sounded from underneath his coat.  Jing Mei waited patiently as John slid his lab coat to one side and pressed a lone button, which halted the irritating sound.  "Gotta get back?" she sighed, folding her arms across her chest.

John nodded silently.  "Yeah.  Got a trauma downstairs coming in."

Jing Mei shook her head slightly and turned John around and pushed started his way back to the ER.  "I'll see you around," she smiled, turning around to head back to Stephen's room.

~ * ~

"Still haven't told him you like him huh?" Stephen teased as Jing Mei just set foot in the room.

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  She knew he was getting back to his old self, if he ever lost it at all, from the accident.  Jing Mei had her hands on her hips and stuck out her tongue and blew a 'raspberry' in the middle of the air.  It was a three year old's reaction, but it made her feel good.  

As she walked over to the other side of the room and stared out the bay window, ignoring her brother's 'probing' question, Jing Mei could feel the blood rush to her face.  Stephen knew way too much about her love life, if she could even call it that.  Liking John wasn't what she would call realistic.

"You like Dr. Carter?" Jen asked innocently.

Jing Mei turned around and shrugged.  "We're just friends," she replied curtly, glaring at her brother.  As much as she loved Jen, Jing Mei wasn't too happy that Stephen happened to tease her about John in front of Jennifer.  Jing Mei had spent a little more time over the past couple of weeks getting to know his brother's girlfriend, but other than that, she didn't spend much time with them.

"Awwww, come on.  You're more than 'just friends'," Stephen said mockingly, making quotation marks with his fingers.  "You really like the guy.  I mean I know!  You've liked him forever!"

"_Ste_-_phen_," Jing Mei warned through gritted teeth.  She glared at her brother, as again the blood came rushing to her cheeks.  Jing Mei glanced over at Jen.  "It's the accident.  He has _no idea_ what he's talking about!"

"I wouldn't be surprised if you _did_ happen to like Dr. Carter.  He does seem very nice, and you seem to know him well?" Jen admitted cautiously.

Jing Mei slumped down against the ledge of the windowsill and hung her head.  "Not you too!" she sighed exasperatedly.

Now she had to add another person to her list that knew about her 'crush' on John and thought her feelings should be expressed.  Jing Mei hid her face in her hands and groaned.  This was not happening to her!

~~~

As Abby walked down the hallway past the admin desk when she heard, "_And she was really put out by Carter I heard_…" Abby looked to her right and saw Haleh clamp her lips together quickly when she realized that Abby had overhead her talking.  She frowned.  She wondered what they could be ruminating about now.

Rumors and gossip run rampant at County General and it was almost getting to the point of exhaustion, listening to mostly half-truths or fiction.  Abby had been tired all day.  She hardly slept last night after the big argument last night, which she wasn't even sure happened.  It seemed like a dream.  But it wasn't.

John never came back to bed, and when she woke up that morning, she found a rumpled blanket sprawled at one end of the couch.  Apparently John had slept there last night and left early that morning for his shift.  In part, Abby had been relieved he left just so she wouldn't have to start that discussion again.  They had to work together though that morning and afternoon.  He had been quite

Abby didn't quite know what was the problem.  All she knew was that she felt angry last night and irritable and John didn't seem to get how it made her feel when she woke up to find him talking to Deb in the middle of the night.  Was that supposed to happen when you were a couple?  Even when she was 'dating' Luka, which she liked to use the term loosely, since Abby wasn't even sure if it she could even call it that, she never found Luka talking to a girl on the phone in the middle of the night.  Playing a video game, maybe?

As Abby plopped herself down on a stool behind the admin desk, she could hear Jerry softly humming to himself while reading Chaucer.  She rolled her eyes.  It was a mixed bunch at County.

Abby turned to the inventory charts that sat in front of her.  She hated doing inventory, but if she didn't do it, County wouldn't have any medical supplies.  Abby let out a heavy sigh and brushed the stray tendrils of hair out of her eyes, that wouldn't be tamed by the elastic confining the rest of her locks.  "Okay, so I need 10 cases of gloves…all sizes," she mumbled to herself, while chewing on her pen.

"Abby?" Kerri called as she limped in an awkward cadence because of her cane.

"Yeah?" Abby looked up at the redheaded doctor before her.

"Could you run over to Doc Magoo's and get Kovac for me?"

Abby frowned curiously.  "And why don't you just…_page_ him?" Abby asked facetiously.   She knew that her tone was unwarranted, and there was probably a good reason Kerri was requesting her services, but Abby couldn't help herself.  Sometimes the petite County 'general' was just too bossy for her own good.

Kerri's expression, which was already sour, turned dark.  "If I _could_, don't you think I _would_ have?" she said irritably.  "He's probably accidentally turned off his pager and now I can't _reach_ him."  The doctor shifted her weight from the can to her good leg, straightening her posture.

Abby rolled her eyes and set down her pen.  As she slid off the nice comfortable stool, which gave relief to her aching feet, Abby exited the admin area and went to the staff lounge, which held their lockers.  "I don't know why she can't just go find him herself!" Abby mumbled to herself.

"Are you mumbling about Weaver?" Susan asked.

As she turned around, startled at Susan's question, Abby put her hand to her chest and laughed.  "Susan!" she gasped.  "I didn't see you in here."

"I was just around the corner," the blonde doctor smiled while waving a mug of coffee in her hand.  "Had to get my shot of caffeine for the day."

Abby nodded, while she slipped on her black wool coat and button up.  "Are you hiding from her too?"

"What?" Susan asked while laughing.  "What are you talking about?  Now _who_ would do _that_?"  Her hazel eyes twinkled at the joke.

Abby shrugged lightly and rolled her eyes.  "Apparently Luka has jumped ship," she sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"Weaver tried to page him but he wasn't answering.  So I guess I'm the errand girl and get to run off and fetch him," Abby explained.  "Cause apparently I don't have a million other things to do."  Abby tried to keep the bitterness to a minimum, but she was tired of Kerri assigning extra responsibilities to her, all the while barking at her.

Susan gave her a sympathetic smile.  "I'm sure it'll get better," she encouraged. "Don't let her get to you.  Look at what it to Chen.  At least from what I hear."

Abby closed her eyes and bit her lip.  _Jing Mei again_.  How many times would she hear that name?

"Did I say something wrong?" Susan asked.

Abby shook her head.  "No," she denied.  "I better go find Luka before Kerri bites my head off…again."

As she let the staff door close behind her, Abby was relieved to get out of the small stuffy room.  When Abby saw the sun's rays stream through the glass entrance, she became grateful for the opportunity to get out of the ER.  She glanced back quickly at the admin desk where there were a couple of nurses and Jerry standing behind the counter and whispering.  They were looking straight at her.  Abby rolled her eyes.  _Oh, brother.  What next?_

~ * ~

Abby had spotted Luka in through the large glass windows as she walked toward the favorite hang out of working County staffers.  As she pushed against the heavy wooden door leading into the diner, Abby knew just where he was sitting.  The dark brooding doctor was sitting in a booth near the window.  For some reason he was staring listlessly into a large glass of ice.  "Hey," Abby mumbled as she unbuttoned her black coat.  Kerri could wait a few more minutes.  "What's up?"

Luka stared up at her briefly before returning to his task of stirring the glass of ice with his straw.  "Abby," he said in a monotone voice.  His short and brief acknowledgement was _heart_ _warming_, to say the least.

"Kerri's looking for you," Abby announced, while she dismissed the waitress that was heading towards their booth with the wave of her hand.  "Apparently your pager's off."

"Oh, yeah," Luka frowned, reaching down into his pocket and pulling out a small sleek black pager.  "I totally forgot to turn it back on."

Abby leaned against the table, her shoulders hunched over.  "Is there something wrong Luka?"

He stopped staring at his pager for a moment and the pair of large dark brown eyes looked intently upon her.  No words passed his lips, and after a few minutes, Abby began to shift uncomfortably under the weight of his gaze.  "Luka," she whispered.  "Are you okay?"

Luka blinked a couple of times before shaking his head as if lifting a fog.  He frowned.  "No," he replied casually.  "I was just thinking."

Now it was her turn to frown.  "About what?" she asked curiously.

"About life."  Luka swallowed distractedly and then sighed, grabbing the coat that lay beside him in the booth.  He looked up at her and smiled.  "We'd better get going."

Suddenly the waitress waved at Luka and smiled.  "I'm playin' that song you wanted…"

Abby frowned, and wasn't quite sure why Luka would be playing a song on the jukebox.  "Luka, what song did you pick?" she smiled and raised her eyebrows.  The hard 'clunk' of the change hitting the container within the jukebox sounded.  The song had a mix of a strong bass and an up beat melody.  Both Abby and Luka looked up and over at the jukebox playing this song.  They missed the first few lyrics catching only half way through the first verse.

…_I'll be your love_

_Be everything that you need_

_I'll love you more with every breath_

_Truly, madly, deeply do_

_I will be strong I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on _

A new beginning 

_A reason for living _

_A deeper meaning ___

Luka looked over at Abby and tilted his head toward the door.  "We should…_go?_" he reminded her, except the cadence of the sentence was more like in the form of a question.

Abby nodded, except without moving from her spot in the booth.  "Why do I remember hearing this song?  It sounds kind of familiar?" she asked.  Abby wasn't quite sure if she was directing the question at Luka or just to herself.  She shushed herself as some chorus went flying by and the tenor voice began the second verse of the strangely familiar song.  Abby still couldn't place it.

_…And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,_

_I'll make a wish to send it to heaven _

_Then make you want to cry _

_The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty _

That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of 

_The highest powers _

In lonely hours 

_The tears devour you_

Suddenly the light went on and Abby remembered.  "You played this for me after we had gotten home after the night we walked down to the docks at 2 a.m., after that double shift we both pulled!"  Abby exclaimed, suddenly remembering vividly where she'd heard the song.  She shook her head.  She had almost forgotten that night.  A lot had happened since then.

They had both pulled a double shift and they were both tired.  Abby had been explaining earlier in the night to Luka about having just one stable person in her life, would have made her life just a little bit easier.  She told him that the boyfriends and girlfriends in the movies were jokes.  _"They aren't with you forever," _she had sighed_.  "They end up leaving you like the rest of them."_  Apparently Luka wanted to prove her wrong and he had heard this song play over the radio in his car and found someone in the ER that night who had it, and borrowed their CD.  

Abby had teared up at his explanation.  _"It's not mine.  I only asked for the CD because I know that sometimes I act like a jerk sometimes and I ignore you.  You don't think I notice when you walk away, but I do," Luka explained.  "I'm just not as good at words as you or even Carter is.  I don't talk about things…"_

_"And?"  Abby had been confused at why he had chosen this song._

_Luka didn't answer the question right away.  He seemed to search for the words, until he finally held her face in his hands and kissed her. "And this song reminds me of you."_

_…You don't have to close your eyes_

'Cause its standing right here before you 

_All that you need will surely come_

Luka looked awkwardly at Abby.  He looked away and remained unusually quiet.  Abby frowned as she slid out of her seat.  "Why were you listening to this song Luka?" she laughed.

He stared at her for a moment and then looked away again.  Abby stopped laughing when she realized that it wasn't something funny.  Luka turned and signalled to Abby that he was going to start heading back.  She nodded and watched him slowly walk out of Doc Maggo's.  As Abby buttoned up her coat quietly, she listened to the rest of the song as it played in the diner.  She didn't want to push Luka to say anything.  She'd done that before and it never worked.

_…I'll be your dream I'll be your wish _

_I'll be your fantasy _

_I'll be you hope I'll be your love _

_Be everything that you need _

_I'll love you more with every breath _

_Truly, madly deeply do _

I want to stand with you on a mountain 

_I want to bathe with you in the sea _

_I want to lay like this forever _

_Until the sky falls down on me_

Abby caught up with him just before he closed his locker.  Abby shrugged off her coat and stuffed it back into the locker.  She was about to exit in front of him, but Luka grabbed her arm and stopped her.  "Yes?" Abby said expectantly.

"_It was because it reminds me of you_."


	16. sa16

Softly Awaken

Chapter Sixteen

*****

An anxious heart weighs a man down,

But a kind word cheers him up.

                                                                                                            Prov. 12:25

*****

Luka hadn't expected to say that out loud.  After his talk with Susan, he had been in a pensive mood all that day and he hoped getting out for a break at Doc Magoo's would do the trick.  When he had asked the waitress to put on that song, Luka wasn't sure what he was thinking.  He just wanted to remember, he supposed.  And then Abby appeared out of nowhere.

"What do you mean?" Abby creased her brow in confusion.  Her heart was racing.  Luka never talked like that.  He was always a man of few words and for him to admit that was something major.

"I…"  Luka wasn't sure what to say next.  He closed his eyes.  He never should have said it at all.  Abby was with Carter.  "Uh, never mind," he sighed, letting go of her arm and walking out the door.

Silently Abby watched Luka leave the room.  She was left speechless.

~ * ~

For the rest of the afternoon Abby couldn't help but remember what Luka had blurted out in the staff lounge.  It was the oddest thing.  For the past few days he'd been avoiding her, unable to talk to her but now he came out of nowhere telling her that he wanted to be reminded of her?  It played at the back of Abby's mind.

Obviously he still had feelings for her, but she had thought he was seeing Susan now.  She frowned as she checked on a patient whose saline drip needed to be adjusted.  As Abby marked down her adjustments on the chart, she found herself flattered that he still cared about her in that way.

"Hey Abby!" Chuny called, sticking her neck in the door.  "Weaver needs you in Trauma 2."

Abby nodded and waved her hand, gesturing for her to leave.  "I'll be right there."

She didn't have time to think about what Luka felt for her.  Abby shook her head as she put the chart back down at the end of the bed.  She didn't even know why she was thinking about it in the first place.

~~~

Jing Mei had just enough time for a short break in the staff lounge, as there was a halt in the incoming patient load.  As she sat in the brightly lit room, Jing Mei couldn't help but miss County's small cramped room with only a table and a few chairs accessorizing the dimly lit refuge.  In comparison, Mercy's staff lounge was an endless sunroom, with its large windows and comfortable couches.  It even had a fridge stocked with many different drinks and food.  She didn't know why she would miss it.

But her thoughts were on Stephen most of the day and the rest of the time, it was spent thinking about the rumor that John and Abby were having troubles.  Even though she wasn't working at County anymore, the nurses found it easy to fill her in on the new developments around County.  Luka was struggling to keep his head above water, as he was trying to sort out some of his personal problems.  Weaver was Weaver and as much of a drill sergeant as ever.  And this new development in the budding romance between County's Golden boy and its nurses was hot on the rumor mill.

"Hey Jing Mei!" Henry chirped as he popped into the room with a white mug in hand, which had the logo, 'You break it, I fix it!' on it.

Jing Mei lifted her eyes up and pulled herself from the thoughtful reverie she was indulging in.  "Hey," she said softly.  "How's surgery this morning?"

Henry shrugged as he pulled the coffee pot from its warm burner.  "Good.  We had a heart transplant this morning.  I think she's doing good though."  As he placed the pot back on the burner, Henry carefully took a sip of the hot beverage and made his way over to the couch where she was sitting.  "How about you?"

"ER was kind of slow this morning so I'm taking a quick break," Jing Mei explained, resting her head back on the cushions.  "I've got tons of charts, but at least I can take those home with me."

Henry smiled and rubbed her thigh.  "Did I hear right?  Did Stephen wake up?"

Jing Mei grinned.  "Yeah.  He's doing great Henry.  You should stop by, he'd be happy with the company," she chuckled.  "I think he would love the company of a guy.  Jen and I have been hovering over him for the past couple of days."

Henry laughed and also rested his head back on the couch cushions.  "I don't know why he would complain!" Henry joked.  "I don't even have one woman hovering over me.  Unless you would like to fill that position!"  He winked playfully at her.

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  "I thought there were rules about sexual harassment!" she gasped in feigned disgust.  Suddenly they both broke out laughing.  Jing Mei glanced at her watch and groaned.  "I have to get back out there."

Henry frowned empathetically.  "Me too.  I just stopped for a fresh cup of coffee."  He raised his steaming mug.  "I'll walk you out," he offered.

Jing Mei nodded.  "Sure."  She remained quiet as they walked down the empty corridor, but when they came to rest at the admissions desk, Jing Mei frowned.  "What are you doing tonight?"

Henry shrugged.  "I don't know.  Probably pick up another double shift.  Dr. Connors is trying to cop out of his shift because of this new 'blonde Barbie' model-esque girl he's been starting to date," he groaned.  "I don't usually have plans and he knows it so he ends up sticking me with it."

Jing Mei didn't have a shift tonight and had tickets to a new play in town.  Her parents had offered them to her since they weren't able to go, last minute.  "Well tell him that you're actually busy tonight," Jing Mei declared.  "I've got tickets to a new play that's opening and you're the only person I can think of here, who might actually enjoy it."

Henry smiled as he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his white lab coat.  "Sure, but how come you're asking me?  I'm sure you've got some sophisticated friends who would like to go to a _cultured_ play," he drawled.  "Hmm, like maybe…"

Jing Mei interrupted him before he could say anything else.  "Don't even think of saying it buster!  I don't know when my love life became the topic of all of my friends, but you guys are starting to irritate me!" Jing Mei groaned.

Henry frowned.  "Lesley?"

Jing Mei furrowed her brow.  "What?"

"I was going to say maybe Lesley, the red-head from radiology?  She's into that sort of stuff too." Henry replied slowly.  "Who did you think I was going to suggest?"

Jing Mei felt the blood rush to her face.  She couldn't believe she put her foot in her mouth like that.  Jing Mei plastered a smile on her face and shook her head.  "Uh, no one."

Henry's eyebrows raised and the corners of his lips curled up into a mischievous smirk.  "You had someone in mind and it must have been someone I know but you don't like to talk about…"

Jing Mei walked around the admissions desk and pulled a couple of charts.  "I have work to do," Jing Mei mumbled as she looked over the new admissions' charts.

Henry looked over her shoulder and shook his head.  "You thought I was talking about Dr. Carter!" he sang cheerfully.

Jing Mei glared at Henry who was dancing around in the admissions area.  Her eyes darted around, feeling the curious eyes of the nurses and a few orderlies upon the dancing surgeon and Jing Mei, whose face must have been crimson red. She grabbed Henry by the arms and tried to drag him out of the sight of her co-workers, but to no avail.

"Who does our Dr. Chen have her eye on?" asked Saril, the head nurse at Mercy.  She was short, plump and a cheerful woman.  Jing Mei got along fairly well with her.  But she loved gossiping and matchmaking her co-workers.  She said that it was a hobby of hers.

"Uh no one," Jing Mei coughed.  By then Henry stopped his awkward dance and laughed.  "Our Dr. Chen has a crush on one of her old co-workers," Henry informed Saril.

Suddenly Jing Mei found herself surrounded by a few of the younger nurses, their eyes glued to Henry.  "What does he look like?" a blonde nurse chirped.  "Is he hot?"

Jing Mei couldn't believe this was happening.  At that moment she wished someone would have an accident and come rolling in.  As her attempt at an evil glare failed, while Henry continued to fill the bubbly nurses in on the 'love interest' for the new ER doctor, Jing Mei tried the tactic of ignoring them.  When she tried to focus on the charts she had in front of her, Jing Mei couldn't help but overhear the 'oooh's' and 'ahhhh's' of the bored staff.  She had to get Henry out of there.

Then a brilliant idea sprung to mind as she headed down the hallway to an empty exam room.  Jing Mei slowly dialed Henry's pager number.  As she peeked around the corner, where Henry was surrounded by several of the staff, Jing Mei smiled mischievously as he jumped up and waved goodbye to the disappointed throng of women.  That would teach him to announce information about her love life to the nurses.

Jing Mei let out a sigh of relief as Henry raced by her as he took the elevator to Peds.  As much as she wanted the staff to get to know her, Jing Mei wasn't ready for them to know about John.  She was having enough trouble with just her immediate family knowing about John and ribbing her mercilessly about why she hadn't gone after the guy.

~~~

John wasn't sure if Abby was trying to avoid him or whether it was just coincidence that he couldn't spend more than five minutes talking to her that day.  Of course in the beginning he had been relieved about it, but now it was just grating on his nerves.  He vowed that the next time he saw her he would grab her and sort this stuff out.  It had been two days since their scuffle.  And John had already heard the rumors about the friction between them.  It was disturbing how much of his relationship with Abby was discussed widely around the ER.  

When he spotted Abby taking inventory in the hallway, John quickly grabbed her arm and ducked into an empty room.  "Hey," he said casually, as Abby's brow furrowed in wonder.

"Hey yourself," she chuckled.  "What is it?"

John took a deep breath, hoping to sort out his own thoughts on the subject.  But before he brought up the topic, his beeper went off.  As John checked the two-word phrase, he rolled his eyes and let out a big sigh.  "I have to go," he mumbled.  "Drowning."

Abby nodded.  "Was there something you wanted to talk about?  I haven't had lunch yet because of all the traumas, but I could sneak away for a late lunch?"

John swallowed.  He didn't know if he'd feel like eating during this conversation.  As he looked down at her serene face, John couldn't help but wonder why she was pretending nothing had happened.  They'd had an argument and she acted as if it was over and done with.  John nodded, as he opened the door.  "Yeah, how about I meet you in the cafeteria?"

Abby nodded.  "Yeah, sure."

~ * ~

"So what is it that you wanted to talk about?" Abby asked, taking a bite out of her ham and cheese sandwich.

"I want to know what's up with us?" John stated matter-of-factly.  He thought being blunt would be the best course of action.  He hated when they danced around their feelings, it was too high school, and they had been there and done that before.

Abby frowned.  "What do you mean?" she asked, a confused expression on her face.

"I mean, have you been avoiding me because of that fight we had two nights ago?"

His question seemed to take her aback.  She chewed a couple more times swallowing the food she had hastily packed that morning.  "No," Abby denied.

"Well you could have fooled me," John retorted, picking at his tossed salad.  "I've seen you less at work than I would one of the other nurses."

Abby leaned back in her chair and tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear.  "I'm sorry John, I've been kind of busy.  And then Weaver sent me on a gopher run…"

John paused, wondering if this was the truth and that he had been overreacting.  He had been on edge lately and wasn't sure why.  They had been dating almost a month and a half now.  Which had been one of the longest relationships he'd had in the past several years.  Maybe he was getting antsy.  John frowned.  Why would he be getting antsy if this was right?

"Carter?" Abby called, waving her hand in front of him.  "Are you all right?"

John nodded.  "Yeah, I just zoned out for a moment."

"Carter, just forget about it.  I was in a bad mood, I had just woken up because of a late night phone call and I was grumpy."

"Don't try to pass it off like it was nothing," John sighed frustratingly.  "It's okay if you're jealous or upset, but you have to tell me Abby.  You have to talk to me!"  Once the words left his mouth, John knew that it was true.  He wasn't just rambling.  It had been a relationship of silent looks and stolen kisses.  There were moments of honesty and communication, but he always had to drag it out of her; or wait for her to let something slip before understanding what was going through her head.

Abby's eyes darted around, avoiding the curious stares.  She leaned over and whispered in an agitated hushed tone, "Can we _not_ do this here?"

"And when are we going to talk about it?" John asked glaringly.  "You always manage to find a way to avoid what's going on in your life.  You pretend like things are okay, and hope that they just go away.  It's what happened with Maggie."

Abby shook her head.  How could he throw Maggie in her face?  And she couldn't believe that he was making a scene.  He always made a scene.  In their short span of friendship and even dating relationship, Carter managed to always end up getting frustrated with her and then timing it just in the middle of a crowd, large or small.  He never seemed to care that she felt completely humiliated whenever he felt 'justified' in doing so.

"Carter look," Abby plastered a smile on her face, as she looked over her shoulder at the engrossed crowd.  "I am not in the mood for this right now.  Can we do this when several people _aren't_ staring at us like a sideshow?"

John looked around and noticed that the doctors, nurses and other strangers in the cafeteria were giggling and whispering to themselves, while their eyes kept glancing over to their table.  He gritted his teeth and stared down at the floor, trying to let his frustration go.  "I'm sorry," he said curtly.  The words tasted bitter in his mouth.  John would have never apologized to anyone else, but he wanted this to work.  He was tired of being known as someone who couldn't make a relationship last.  He was tired of it himself.

When he apologized, Abby allowed herself to relax a bit.  They had been having a lot of troubles lately and she wasn't sure why it was.  They didn't see eye to eye on things, though they never had in the first place, but she figured that a couple could still work if the people cared about each other enough.  Couldn't they?  Abby pushed the doubt that lingered in the back of her mind aside and reached out and took John's hand.  "Good," she grinned.  "Now can we get back to lunch?"

~~~

Luka threw himself into his work.  After he left the staff lounge Kerri found him and put him to work, which he didn't mind at all.  If it kept his mind off of the state of relationship with Abby, or whatever it was they had; it was fine with Luka.  He had run into Abby a few more times during his shift, but nothing that involved any major conversation.  They would have a trauma and once the patient was seen, Luka was out of there.  He was just about to punch out when Abby came in with a few of the nurses.

"Luka!" Abby smiled awkwardly.  There was silence in the lounge.  "Are you done your shift?"

Luka wrapped his scarf around his neck.  He couldn't wait for the chill to be out of the Chicago air.  "Yeah," Luka replied, their eyes locked in an uncomfortable gaze.

"So got a hot date tonight," winked Chuny, as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

Luka broke the gaze and looked laughably at the Hispanic nurse.  "No, just a quiet evening," Luka smiled.

"Aw," the nurses pouted in unison. 

Luka rolled his eyes and threw his bag over his shoulder.  "Don't feel too bad ladies," he laughed.  As he headed towards the door, he brushed past Abby who had been silently staring at him during the nurses' merciful teasing.  Just as he walked past her, Abby looked up at him and whispered, "Can we talk?" 

Luka blinked a few times before looking away from her concerned face.  He had almost gotten away without having to have this conversation.  Almost.  Luka swallowed and nodded hesitantly, as his eyes looked back to find the nurses scrambling to occupy themselves, while listening intently.  "Yeah, okay."

He knew exactly what she wanted to talk about, or at least the outline of a conversation.  They were headed out into the ambulance bay, where they could talk away from prying eyes.  Luka knew he had pulled a hit and run on her earlier that afternoon.  It was just he didn't know how to explain himself, or why he had blurted it out.  Never before had he had problems with keeping his feelings in check, especially when it came to women, but that afternoon had been an especially hard one.  He lost a woman in the ER that morning and watched as this woman's husband crumbled before him, when he told him the news.

"I wanted to talk to you about what you said before…"  Abby looked awkward and didn't seem to know what to say.

"I know, I was out of line," Luka apologized.  "I had a rough morning and I got nostalgic for some reason."

Abby folded her arms across her chest as they enjoyed the cool afternoon breeze.  "It's just that I thought you…we were done, ya know?" she admitted a little bewildered.  "From our last conversation you were quite adamant about not caring about me or John.  You kept repeating the fact that you weren't jealous or…"

Luka found himself standing outside in the twilight.  Abby was prattling on like she usually ended up doing when she was nervous, and he smiled.  He missed her.  That was the truth.  

For several nights he kept having this recurring memory of Carol's sudden departure.  He didn't know why she kept popping into his thoughts every now and then.  She had been the first woman who had sparked his interest since the death of Daniella, and it hurt when she explained to him how she had to 'go find out' if Doug still loved her.  She had promised him that there was someone out there for him – someone who would love him like his wife loved him.  And as he watched her leave, Luka had scoffed at the idea of there being another single woman who could love him – whom he could love – like Daniella did, but then Abby walked into his life.  

He hadn't seen it then because he was still a mess from his entire family's death.  Luka wanted someone, but wasn't willing to allow himself feel that way about someone.  He was still torn and in pain from the guilt he carried for so long.  And when he was ready to actually find that someone, to let that person in, Luka lost her.  He had lost Abby.  

Luka found himself spending many sleepless nights thinking about the state of his love life, and over and over, he told himself over and over that it didn't matter.  He and Abby were right to break up.  John was the 'right' person for her.  He'd never fought for a woman before, why would he now?  If it were meant to be, it would be.  It was something that had kept him 'in denial' about his feelings for Abby, as Susan would say.  

And he was tired of it.  The time for the truth had come.  Carol had been right.  There would be a woman to love him, and a woman that he could love.  And that woman had been and was Abby.

"_Abby, I lied_."

~~~

Jing Mei sat in the empty coffee shop, trying to focus on the book she had brought with her.  She didn't feel like sitting at home that evening after her shift so she grabbed her shoulder bag and a few charts she needed to finish and a she was halfway through.  The charts had been done for the past half hour, and now trying to sift through Tolstoy's _Anna Karenina_.  Her mind was too distracted by thoughts of her brother but mostly - she hated to admit it - John.

The joy and thrill she always got from helping a patient and being up to her elbows in a trauma seemed somewhat diminished at Mercy.  Everything was so different, so…unfamiliar.  Even being at Mercy for the past month and a half hadn't made her feel at home.  It was hard getting used to a new set of colleagues and a different way of doing things.  Each doctor had their own little quirks, and when she had began, they had been endearing, but now something like Dr. Chattam's little habit of chewing gum loudly had begun to get on her nerves.  Jing Mei now realized how odd it was that those quirks never seemed to show up in her peers at County.

As she was mired in her thoughts, Jing Mei was startled by the melodic tune coming from her bag.  "Hello?" Jing Mei answered tiredly.  She set the weighty porcelain coffee mug on the table.

"Deb?" the voice on the phone said uncertainly.

"Yes?" Jing Mei frowned.  No one ever called her Deb except John, and she was sure he didn't have her cell number.  

"Deb, it's John."

Jing Mei leaned back into her chair and stared out the coffee shop window.  "John, I wasn't expecting to hear from you.  How did you get my cell number?"

There was a break of static and then John sighed.  "Uh, I phoned your apartment and you weren't there, and then I tried Mercy," he explained breathily.  "One of the nurses gave me your cell number when I asked for it."

Jing Mei frowned.  She knew that she had told the nurses not to give out her private cell number unless it was an emergency.  Was this an emergency?  Had something happened to Stephen?  Jing Mei sat up at the thought, sitting on the edge of her seat.  "Is something wrong with Stephen?" she asked anxiously.

She had just seen him yesterday and though she was unable to get to County during visiting hours after her shift, Jing Mei hadn't suspected that anything could have been wrong from her earlier visit.  Another thing that surprised her was that John was calling her.  If anything, she would have expected to hear from her parents or brothers if anything was wrong.

"No Deb," John replied.  "It's not Stephen."

Her heart fluttered at the knowledge that Stephen was okay.  She didn't think she could deal with another unexpected trial like that.  "Oh," Jing Mei gasped.  "I so glad."  At that moment, Jing Mei closed her eyes and let herself sink back into the chair.  She cleared her throat and frowned.  "Then what's with the emergency?  The nurses know better than to give out my cell number."

Jing Mei heard a rustling over the receiver and then John laughing.  "Yeah, what was with that?" he asked humorously.  "When they asked me who was calling and I told them my name, there was silence and then I heard some whispering on the phone."  Jing Mei was mortified, if they had said anything to John.  "They said, '_the John Carter'_ giggled and then they gave me this number.  Do you know why they were acting like that?"

It took a moment for Jing Mei to recover from the idea that the nurses would be so mischievous and embarrass her like that.  Of course, the nurses didn't know her as well as the ones at County, so it was no skin off their nose to almost rat her out like that. She hesitated in answering his question.  "Uh, they're just like that," Jing Mei lied, hoping he wouldn't continue with the inquiry.  "So what's wrong?"  Changing the subject seemed to be the best option.

"What do you mean?"

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  John hardly ever phoned, and since he started dating Abby, he never phoned.  So she knew something was up.  "What I mean is, there must be something up because you never phone me unless something's wrong."  Jing Mei heard a slightly off-pitch scoff in her ear and smiled.  She was right, but John wasn't about to admit it.

"I do not!" he protested.  "I phone you all the time!"

"Uh-huh," Jing Mei laughed.  "When?"

"Well…I phoned you…"  There was a sudden silence over the receiver.  "I can't think of it right now," John mumbled.  "But I know I don't just phone you when I have a problem."

Jing Mei felt her body relax as she listened to the familiar cadence of John's voice.  She missed having him to joke around with and tease.  Albeit they hardly ever spoke to one another in the last couple of weeks she was working there, but there were just little moments, where she would look at him and he would look at her and they knew exactly what each other was thinking.  Jing Mei missed that.  "Sure, whatever John," Jing Mei chuckled.  "So let's get to the point…what's wrong with you and Abby?"

~~~

"_So let's get to the point…what's wrong with you and Abby?"_

John frowned and pulled the receiver away from his ear and stared at it for a moment.  It was surreal how well Deb knew him sometimes.  As he rested the telephone receiver snuggly between his shoulder and his ear, he began to pour himself some coffee.  Abby had been asked to work a double shift that night and so he decided it would be a good time to check up on Gamma.  He hadn't seen her for a while now, since he spent most of his evenings with Abby over at her apartment.  

_"Well John I don't have time for that!" Gamma groused.  "You should have phoned first.  I am just on my way out."_

_"Well, couldn't you cancel it?  It's just another one of those boring black tie affairs.  You get to go to at least one of these a month, if not two or three?" John coaxed._

_She looked at him sternly and shook her head, as her Andrew, her driver, opened the door for her.  "John, really.  Do you just expect me to drop everything just because you and your girlfriend are having a spat?"_

_John plastered on a smile, though the comment stung, and shook his head.  "We're not having a fight Gamma.  Abby just had to work a double shift and I thought I could come by and maybe take you out coffee or something," he protested._

_The petite 79-year old woman patted her neatly pinned up hair and stuck out her chin.  "I don't appreciate being ignored which is what you have been doing for the past couple of weeks, John Truman Carter, and though I would love to have dinner with you sometime, maybe you can call and inform me when you're free, since all you seem to care about these days is work and that Abby woman," she lectured.  "I do not enjoy being treated like a back-up plan."  _

"And she just walked out the door, to one of those boring fundraisers," John sighed, after recounting what happened earlier that night.

Deb was always quick to the sarcasm, and this time was not any different. "Well do you blame her?" Deb scoffed.  "You live with her for how many years of your life and then suddenly you disappear, only to come back when Abby's working a _double shift_?  It really makes a person feel _special_ John."

John slowly spun his coffee cup while talking with Deb on the phone.  "I guess not, it's just…"  He didn't have the words to express what he was feeling at the moment.

"Frustrating?" Deb offered.

"That, and it's just…she doesn't _understand_."  John rolled his eyes.  He sounded like a teenager.  His Gamma didn't understand.  She didn't like his girlfriend.  She didn't like what he was doing.  His Gamma wished he would be more responsible.  

"Well maybe she would if you talked to her more."

The suggestion was a valid one.  He did love Gamma, but he sometimes had a hard time fitting into her world and the values they held.  John saw himself a blue-collar working stiff who just wanted to make a difference to as many people as he could.  "That's easier said than done," John sighed.

He heard Deb laugh.  "Yeah, I guess.  Maybe you should just bring her flowers or something like that, next time?"

"I'll try that," John smirked, also joining her in laughing.  

After the laughter subsided, silence hovered between them.  He didn't know what else to say.  John didn't have any plans for that night after the Gamma 'debacle' and the thought of Deb popped into his head.  "So what are you up to tonight?  I know you're not at home."

There were muffled voices over the phone and then Deb's voice rang clearly over his receiver.  "I'm sorry about that," she said breathlessly.  "What did you say?"

"I was asking what you were doing," John repeated curiously.  "Is someone with you?  I don't want to bother you if you're in the middle of something."

"Oh yeah," Deb snorted.  "I'm so busy!  I'm so busy that I'm sitting in a coffee shop finishing up my charts and trying to read this darn book I've started for the millionth time."

John smiled at the thought of Deb rolling her eyes at the waitress as she was focusing on something.  He'd done that once before during med school, and he had learned never to do it again.  "So why don't you come over then?"  The words that came out of his mouth surprised him, when he realized what he had suggested.  John frowned.  _What is Abby going to think?  _

He didn't know why Abby would be bothered by it, though he knew she had an issue with Deb.  But John pushed the worried thoughts aside and was glad he would have someone to talk to that night.  Deb didn't always have an opinion on things.  John knew that sometimes that was what he missed most about Deb working at County, she was there when he needed her, and he could bounce thoughts off of her.

"Are you sure?" Deb asked hesitantly.

John smiled over the phone.  "Yes," he chuckled.  "Like I should _need_ to ask twice.  Have you eaten already?"

"Sort of," Deb hedged.  "Don't think it's unhealthy of me, but I ate cereal for supper."  She laughed at herself.

"Well, do you feel you could eat something else?  I haven't had a real meal yet today."

"Sure," Deb answered.  "What are you thinking?  I could pick something up along the way?"

"Pizza?" John suggested.  He had a major craving for pizza all of the sudden.

"Sure," Deb laughed.  "Extra large pepperoni, bacon, and mushrooms?"

"Uh-huh, you remembered!"  Deb and John always used to order an extra large PBM because of their late night cram sessions.

"I'll be over in about 20 minutes."  There was a pause.  "I'm glad you called John."

After John hit the 'end' button on the phone, he smiled and went to pour himself another cup of coffee.  He was glad he called too.


	17. sa17

Softly Awaken

Chapter Seventeen

*****

Many a man claims to have unfailing love,   
but a faithful man who can find?

                                                                                                            Prov. 20:6

*****

"I'm glad you invited me over John," said Deb, while gazing at him over her glass of milk.

John grinned while taking a huge bite out of his warm pizza.  They were sitting in the kitchen, with the pizza box opened, and a tall glass of milk.  This was their study spot.  All of the other rooms were too 'nice' to contemplate sitting and eating pizza in. "Well it's the least I could do after all that complaining you did, about me not spending enough 'time' hanging out with you anymore," he teased.

Deb's jaw dropped and her eyes narrowed.  "I did not complain!" she protested.  "I just made mere mention of the fact that since you got a girlfriend you don't have time for your friends anymore."  Deb smiled cheekily and picked up one of the smaller slices of pizza.  "I can't help it if you always obsess over the people you date," she mumbled, her mouth full of Italian delicacy.

"I don't _obsess_," John rolled his eyes, "I am _vigilant."_

Deb covered her mouth, threw her head back and laughed.  "Oh, yeah!  Sorry about the _mistake," she chuckled.  She raised her eyebrows and shook her head.  "We wouldn't want someone to mistake your __vigilance over Abby and her every need as __obsession."  John swallowed and his face became somber.  "What?" she asked, swallowing the remaining bite of her pizza._

He shook his head and smiled distractedly.  "Nothing," John dismissed.

Deb eyed him, looking over him knowingly.  "It's not nothing.  You don't brow doesn't crease that extensively when it's nothing."

John sighed.  It was silly.  How could Abby be jealous over Deb?  He looked over at the 28-year old woman, whom he had known for years; her hair was shoulder length now, and a stray lock hung in front of her face while the rest was tucked neatly behind her ear.   

Deb was so different from Abby, or was the other way around?  With Abby it had been this immediate attraction, though he didn't realize it until she came to work as an ER nurse, rather than a med student.  And though he had to suffer with being her 'friend', and listen to her drone on and on about Luka; all the while wanting to kiss her, John saw the positive side of their journey to being a couple.  Now all of the sudden, this woman who sat in front of him, with cheese clinging to her chin, was a threat to the relationship he waited so long to have?

"A penny for your thoughts?"

John looked up at Deb, who had set down her half eaten slice of pizza, and was staring at him thoughtfully.  "Huh?"

"John, what is it?"

He debated whether he should tell her.  Deb would most likely laugh it off, but he felt like it would be inappropriate.  "I don't know…I don't think you want to hear it."

Deb frowned.  "What do you mean?  Of course I want to hear it…especially since you said I wouldn't want to!"  She winked playfully at him, setting him at ease.

"Well, it's stupid really…"  His voice trailed off.  He raised his eyebrows and squinted his eyes, trying to stall, hoping to find a way to tell her without making it sound immature.

"Oh, what is it!" she growled exasperatingly, hitting him on the shoulder.

John sighed and closed his eyes.  "I think Abby has a problem with us being friends and that it might be because she's jealous," he blurted out.  As he slowly opened his eyes, so there was a narrow slit, enough to be able to catch Deb's reaction, John was surprised.  She sat there for a moment, in what seemed to be deep thought, and then looking at him straight in the eyes, Deb laughed heartily.

"She thinks me and you are getting it on?"

John sat up and shrugged his sweatshirt back so it would sit squarely on his shoulders.  He cleared his throat.  "Uh, I wouldn't put it that way exactly," he said dryly.  "But along those lines, yeah."

Deb shook her head.  "Why?" she asked curiously.

John slid off his stool and threw his hands up irritably in the air.  "I have no clue!"  He walked towards the refrigerator and grabbed the 4-litre jug of milk.  "When you called that night, at like 12, she got really annoyed."

"Well, I would be if I had to work in the morning too," Deb offered.  "Could it be she's not annoyed at me?  Just at the phone call?"

John shook his head.  "She gets uptight even at the mention of your name," he groaned, leaning on the counter and setting the milk down.  "I don't get women!"

Deb had a funny expression on her face.  Her lips were curled into a satisfied grin and she had one eyebrow cocked.  "Maybe all the fooling around with all those women is catching up to you John," Deb said slyly.

He rolled his eyes and ran his fingers through his shaggy hair.  He would soon need a haircut.  "Yeah, right."

"Well, what's the problem?" Deb asked lightly.  "Just tell her that we're friends."

John pushed himself up from the counter and twisted the cap off the milk.  "Easier said than done," he sighed.  "I just don't see why she's jealous of you?"

"You don't?" Deb asked mischievously.  She flipped her shiny ebony hair over her shoulder.  "Maybe because I'm _gorgeous_, _intelligent_, and _sexy_?"  Deb leaned suggestively on the counter, crossing her tan legs playfully.

John creased his brow and leaned over the counter, near where Deb was sitting.  He looked at her calmly, trying not to break a smile while delivering his line.  "No, but seriously…"

Deb opened her mouth in protest and hit him playfully on the chest.  "Shut up!" she growled, pushing him back against the counter.

As he put his hands in front of him, waving them frantically, John shrunk back.  "Okay, okay!" he chuckled, in between her light swats.  "I take it back!"

Deb stood up, tilted her head and rested her hands on her hips.  She narrowed her eyes and slowly approached him.  "You don't think I'm any of those things eh?" Deb whispered in a low husky voice.

John frowned as Deb lightly rested her arms on his shoulders.  Her dark round eyes stared up at him longingly, as her long slender manicured fingers began to trail up along the nape of his neck and then twist a few locks of his hair between her fingers.  It sent a shiver up his spine.  As he tried to back away, Deb entwined her fingers, holding him in this position. His body tensed, unable to process Deb's behavior.  She'd never acted this way towards him before.  It was quite unsettling.

He opened his mouth, but no words came out.  His brain didn't quite seem to want to function.  "Uh," John finally managed to stammer, "w-what are you doing?"

Deb smiled coyly and then slowly backed, glancing behind her and finding her way back to her stool and folding her arms across her chest.  "_I'm not that kind of type of woman, hmm_?" she asked, with smirk on her face.  Then as quickly as the 'siren' appeared, Deb's familiar cheeky grin rose out from behind those dark intense eyes.

John nervously ran his fingers through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.  "Uh, I guess I was…wrong?" he managed to choke out.  Her behavior, the look in her eye when she had her arms around his neck, John felt some sort of connection with her in that moment.  Swallowing uneasily, he laughed, pretending it hadn't unnerved him as much as it did.  "I didn't think you had that in you!" John joked.

Deb stuck out her tongue and rolled her eyes.  "Well, just don't think I'll be doing that _too_ often," she chided, wagging her finger at him.  "I've got to save that stuff for guys that don't _have_ girlfriends!"

John laughed.  "I guess Abby wouldn't like it either."

"_No_," Abby's voice echoed into the kitchen.  "_I guess I wouldn't_!"

John turned around and found Abby standing in the entrance of the kitchen.  Her face was clouded and expressionless.  Her arms were folded across her chest and her eyes almost hooded by her lowered lashes.  "_Abby_!" he exclaimed, startled to see her there.  "I wasn't expecting to see you here.  I thought you had a double shift?"  He could feel the blood rushing to his face.  How much had she seen?  And how badly would she misinterpret it?

~~~

Jing Mei was ready to crawl into a hole.  She hadn't expected Abby to walk in at that moment.  In fact, Jing Mei hadn't exactly planned to do anything she had executed in the past several minutes.  She could feel the blood rushing to her face.  How pathetic she must have looked?  "Abby," she said, laughing nervously.  "This is _definitely_ not what it looks like!"

As she rose from the stool, Jing Mei prayed that she would listen to her.  Jing Mei hoped that Abby would allow them to explain what had happened.  She glanced over at John who was already closing the gap between him and his girlfriend.  Jing Mei watched silently as John grabbed Abby by the shoulders and began to explain how the innocent and playful flirtations she had seen had just been a joke.

Jing Mei stopped where she was and watched Abby allow herself to be guided into the hallway by John.  She stayed behind in the kitchen, realizing that they needed time to themselves.  As she closed her eyes, Jing Mei shook her head and chided herself.  "Stupid, stupid!"

"What is stupid child?" a poised and raspy voice asked from behind her.

Her heart raced, startled at the voice.  Jing Mei turned around and saw Mrs. Carter, frowning as she stood in front of the kitchen door.  "Mrs. Carter!" she exclaimed, quite surprised and embarrassed.  "I thought you were at a fundraiser tonight?"  She looked down at her wristwatch and checked the time.  10:47 p.m.  Jing Mei hadn't realized that it had gotten so late.

"Yes, I was," Mrs. Carter sighed.  The silver-haired elite walked over to the kitchen counter and tiredly dropped her burgundy satin purse on the smooth cream tile.  "A tired old bunch of buzzards, but they all gathered together for a good cause."

"I thought you liked those buzzards.  John used to always tell me how you want him to get involved with those 'people'," Jing Mei smiled, happy to focus on something other than the embarrassing moment that had just occurred.

"Oh, well John exaggerates and puts words in my mouth.  He doesn't listen to a thing I say," she sighed.  

Jing Mei always enjoyed talking with her.  She was blunt and said what was on her mind.  Never had Jing Mei met anyone like her.  "You mean when you told him that he shouldn't be a doctor?" she asked curiously.

Mrs. Carter shook her head slowly and pointed at Jing Mei.  "I have never told him to quit being a doctor," she huffed.  "I just merely suggested that there are far better ways to practice medicine than in that County General."  The older matriarch's face cringed when saying the hospital's name.  "I've often suggested that he open up his own practice.  I think he would be very successful in that venture.  And though John dismisses the idea like I have no idea what I'm talking about, I haven't given up on that either."

"Well I think John would disagree.  He's quite stubborn that way."  Jing Mei looked down at the box of pizza that was splayed on the kitchen counter and the open jug of milk.  Out of habit, she began to clean up after John and her pow wow.  "I think he's more like his Gamma than he would like to think," she chuckled.

"I suppose," Mrs. Carter smirked.  "But I just don't understand that boy.  He has been stabbed, and been witness to many horrible things in that hospital.  I don't know why he's so adamant about staying."

Jing Mei put the milk into the stainless steel fridge and closed the door.  She leaned on it while thinking about how to explain it.  "I can't say for John, but the reason I do it is because it's where I make the biggest difference," Jing Mei explained.  "I don't want to just treat people who can pay for it, which we make them do, through the nose.  I want to help those who really need it.  And I have a feeling that's the way John feels about it."

The dismissive wave of the elderly Carter showed her unchanged view of the matter.  "Well, I can't argue with you young people when you won't listen to reason," she sighed.  Mrs. Carter picked up her purse and frowned.  "All this talk about John, bids the question, where is the boy?"

Jing Mei bit her lip and tucked her hair behind her ear.  "He's talking with Abby somewhere in the house," she said lamely.

Mrs. Carter must have noticed her distraction because the woman walked purposefully toward her.  "My dear, what happened?  I haven't forgotten the name calling I walked in on."

Jing Mei rolled her eyes and they remained gazing at the floor.  "I did something completely inappropriate and Abby walked in on it," she explained.  "It was stupid."  Jing Mei raised her eyes to meet Mrs. Carter, waiting for her reaction.

"Could you be a little more specific?"

"Well, I was pretending to flirt with John, and Abby walked in on it."  The blood rushed to her face from just admitting it.  In all the years that she had known Mrs. Carter, Jing Mei had always respected her opinion and saw her as one of the strongest women she knew, other than her mother.  "You must think I'm pathetic, I know I do," she groaned.

Mrs. Carter smiled knowingly.  "Now why would I think that?  It was an innocent mistake.  It's not like you planned on throwing yourself at him, right?"

Jing Mei blushed even more, shaking her head fervently.  "No!  It's just…well; you know how I like to tease him.  And I was just making a point," she quickly explained, hoping for the understanding, which she didn't get from Abby.

There was a silent pause.  Mrs. Carter tilted her head, her eyes staring intently at her.  Jing Mei felt like she was debating whether to believe her or not.  Finally the older woman smiled and stood up, as if someone had reminded her that good posture was required of her.  "Well, I'm tired and I don't suppose you will probably see John later tonight if he's got a perturbed girlfriend on the loose," Mrs. Carter joked.  

Jing Mei sighed.  "I suppose you're right.  I probably should be going."  She stood up and grabbed her purse that was sitting on the counter.  "It was nice talking with you for a bit," Jing Mei smiled warmly.

"Why don't I walk you to the door?" Mrs. Carter suggested.

Jing Mei nodded.  "I would like that."  Mrs. Carter reached out for Jing Mei's arm for a little balance as they left the embarrassing moment in the kitchen behind.

As they slowly strolled towards the main entrance, they passed the sitting room where Abby and John happened to be talking in whispers.  Mrs. Carter looked at Jing Mei.  "All's not well in the ER?" she commented quietly.

"I'm not sure.  They always seem to fight, but they always seem to make up too," Jing Mei replied skeptically.

"Well I always thought that girl just wasn't right for my John," Mrs. Carter said attentively.

"Is anyone in your eyes, Mrs. Carter?" Jing Mei laughed.

Her old acquaintance looked up at her thoughtfully.  "Yes," she said cryptically.  "I think so."

~~~

"Now why would I be upset?" Abby asked sarcastically.  She had left earlier than she had planned to, getting Chuny to cover for her.  Luka had admitted that he still cared about her and that he wasn't over her.  It unnerved her and she had felt uncomfortable the entire shift.  

Her first thought was to see John.  She didn't know if she would tell him about Luka's confession.  Abby thought he might take it the wrong way, and think that she told him because she felt something.  It was the way John's mind worked.  Instead she was stunned to find Dr. Chen's arms wrapped around John's neck, looking suggestively at him.

"Abby it really wasn't _anything_.  It looked _worse_ than it was!" John coaxed.  "I jokingly said Deb wasn't sexy and she was just flirting to prove me wrong."

Abby rolled her eyes and shook her head.  She couldn't believe how lame that sounded.  "And _I'm_ supposed to _buy_ that lame excuse?" Abby asked dubiously.  "I may be a little cynical sometimes, but I'm not _blind_.  I can tell when a woman is hitting on you."

John's eyes widened into round circles, an expression of disbelief on his face.  "NO!  That is not what was happening!" he protested vehemently. "Look I'm telling you, we were just playing around.  Deb was _not_ making a pass at me!"

At that moment, Abby didn't care.  Even though what John was adamant about, might have been true, she was tired of it.  Deep down inside, Abby knew this would never work out.  "No," she said calmly, her mind was swirling.  "This isn't working John.  I shouldn't be worrying about this only a _month_ into our relationship."  

Abby thought that he might be the one to understand her.  He had shown promise, sticking by her through thick and thin.  John had been the friend she had needed during some of the roughest weeks of her life.  And when she and Luka had broken up John had been there.  She had made so many mistakes in men during her short-lived career on the dating scene.  She had ended up marrying the first real man who had shown any interest in her, which had been a huge mistake.  Abby had thought she had known Richard, but once they were married, things changed and his focus was less on her and more on work.  They had had rough times, but she had vowed to work through them – that is before she found out he was cheating on her.

Luka was the story of complete attraction, and the nurturing instinct inside of her.  He was attractive and the tragic story of his wife and children broke her heart.  It was a complete mess.  Though, Abby had developed very strong feelings for him, he wasn't ready for a relationship and neither was she.  And that might have been what brought them together.  Each knew that neither would expect too much out one another.  But then came the day when she wanted more.  Somehow her desire for something more outweighed her fear of being hurt again, and Luka in an inadvertent way had relieved her of those fears.  But when down to it, she didn't have the same effect on Luka that he had on her as she thought.

Which brought her to her relationship with Carter.  She had a strong relationship with him from the start.  He was kind, compassionate.  Abby admired his skills as a doctor and as a friend.  He would listen to her and was her shoulder to cry on when things weren't working with Luka or with Maggie.  John had become her reality check.  He would always tell her like it was.  

And once she and Luka broke up, knowing John's feelings and intentions, Abby allowed the attraction and relationship she had with John to flourish.  He seemed so sure of their relationship and committed.  Abby sighed as she looked up at John who was holding her trying to make her see reason.  Now she wasn't so sure this wasn't the biggest mistake she had made yet.

~~~

What had he hoped to accomplish?  Luka was sprawled on his couch, mulling over the night's slight catastrophe.  He had told her he still cared about her.  As the conversation played over and over again in his head, Luka wished he could just go back in time and stop himself from the humiliation.

_"What do you mean 'you lied'?"_

_"I lied about not caring about you, about not being jealous Carter when he kisses you and hating having to watch you kiss him back," Luka admitted.  He watched her face carefully.  She hardly ever gave anything away, but nonetheless, he watched her fine delicate features.  The long lashes, and a few stray locks of hair that had tumbled in front of her face hooded her dark eyes._

_"What am I supposed to say to that?" Abby asked awkwardly, brushing back her hair with her fingers._

_Luka swallowed.  He knew it had been a mistake.  He should have never listened to Susan and her flights of fancy.  "Never mind.  This was a mistake."  Abby stopped him as he attempted to make some sort of graceful exit out of the staff lounge.  "You can't just say that and then tell me to forget about it," she exclaimed nervously._

_Luka turned and looked at this woman who he had shared more intimate moments with than any other, since the death of his wife.  "What am I supposed to say then?" he asked calmly.  What else was he supposed to do in a situation like that?_

_"You talk to me about it?" Abby said frustratingly._

_"What is there to discuss?  I foolishly thought that maybe telling you this would make a difference.  I was wrong," he stated somberly.  "I won't make that mistake again."_

_"It's good to let our your feelings Luka, even if, I might not feel the same way."_

_"That's your point of view," he huffed, shaking his head.  He pointed his finger at her.  "You're not the one who's in love with a woman who is dating another man." _

It had been impulsive and regretful, yet at the same time he had felt freed.  He no longer denied what he felt for Abby.  It was a weight that had been lifted off his shoulders.

Luka reached over and grabbed an open beer off his coffee table.  He drank it slowly.  As if the he drank slowly enough would make the act last forever, keeping him from the unavoidable looks and stares of the ER employees.  No one had overheard their conversation, but the nurses would notice the change - the awkwardness and the hesitation between he and Abby that would ensue after their talk – and the rumors would begin.

Luka sighed, helplessly drowning in the sorrows of his circumstance.  He had gotten rid of one weight, but now, another replaced it.  Would it make any difference?  Admitting to Abby that he loved her?  Or would he forever have to endure watching Abby from afar, in the arms of another man?


	18. sa18

Softly Awaken

Chapter Eighteen

*****

So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him.  

                                                                                                            Ecc. 9:1

*****

John shuffled into the kitchen.  Abby had been gone less than an hour after their spat and John waited hopefully by the phone.  It was pathetic, he knew it, but at least he didn't chase after her.  John was tired of chasing after her and apologizing.  It wasn't always necessarily his fault but somehow he always ended up apologizing.  He frowned as he was mired deep in thought.  Now how does she do that?

On top of feeling horrible about the fight he had with Abby, John felt horrible for ditching Deb.  By the time Abby left and he had gone back to the kitchen, the person he found instead of Deb was Gamma.  "Where did Deb go?" he asked curiously.

His grandmother gave him one of her stern and disapproving glares.  "Well I should hope she went home!" she said calmly, pouring a cup of hot water from the stainless steel kettle.

"Why?" he asked.

His grandmother blinked a few times.  She set down the kettle and picked up the steaming mug of hot water with a twist of lemon.  As she walked towards the hallway, stopping beside him before she exited the room, she frowned.  "Look at the time John?  The girl can't wait all night for you."

John had glanced down at his watch and realized he had been bickering with Abby for over an hour.  "I didn't even realize we were in there that long," he gasped in surprise.  "I lost complete track of time."

Gamma clucked her tongue and sighed.  "John, I don't know what you think you're doing, but obviously you're not happy.  Now you've got to think about it John.  Does this have anything to do with that woman you're seeing?  Every time you are here, you seem frustrated and angry.  I don't think that's healthy."

John had rolled his eyes at Gamma.  "You don't know anything about here Gamma.  You've met her once."

"Twice," Gamma corrected.  "I met her at the hospital and I didn't like her then.  She lacked any bedside manners."

"Whatever Gamma," he sighed distractedly.  John didn't feel like dissecting his relationship with Abby right now, especially with his grandmother.

~ * ~

John leaned on the kitchen island counter as he looked around the empty kitchen.  It was quiet in the house.  He always hated that.  It always felt like he was alone in this big 'mansion' as Abby once described it, even though there were several servants around the house.  That was the second reason about why he spent so much time at the hospital, with the first being the fact that he loved being a doctor.

He opened the fridge and pulled out the almost empty box of pizza he and Deb had devoured earlier that night.  John felt like a flake for leaving Deb like that, but when you have an urgent situation like that, in an already complicated relationship, it was the only thing to do.  He would call her tomorrow and she would laugh and lecture him about being a 'good friend' and that would be that.  As he thought about Deb, John couldn't help but sigh.  _Why couldn't all relationships with women be that easy?_

~~~

"So is the rumor true?" Susan asked curiously.

"You know more than we do," Chuny smiled wryly.  "You're one of them. You've definitely got access to the hot gossip."

Susan shook her head and backed away from the small gaggle of nurses and orderlies.  "No," she said waving her hands in front of her.  She had stuck her nose in where it didn't belong several times during the week and it caused her nothing but grief.  Jesse, one of the nurses was having a bad day, she and her boyfriend had just had a huge fight and Susan happened to walk in on her in the lounge.  She advised Jesse to get out and forget about her boyfriend, who incidentally didn't seem to have a problem forgetting about her, and have a good time.  Well, unbeknownst to Susan, like she was psychic by any means, Jesse's boyfriend had told her to work an extra shift at the hospital because he was preparing to propose to her later on in the evening.  But since Jesse had taken Susan up on her advice and went out, Boyd, Jesse's boyfriend, wound up sitting in their apartment, with a ring in his hand all night.

Susan definitely was not getting involved.

"Sorry guys.  You're in this one alone!" she chuckled.  

As she left to begin her rounds, Susan saw Luka in through the main doors.  She fell into stride with the tall Croatian, who looked a little rough around the collar.  "Are you all right?" Susan asked skeptically.

The tall muscular doctor groaned and shook his head slowly.  "Don't ask," he warned, as he pushed the cafeteria open.  "Join me for lunch?"

Susan shook her head.  "Uh, can't.  I'm just grabbing a quick snack before I finish my rounds."

"Okay," he sighed, silently grabbing a tray and slid it along the metal guide.  He glanced at the variety of food, and tried to pick the most palatable out of the small selections.  A bowl of what seemed to be chocolate pudding, a bottle of apple juice and as he opened the small, refrigerated cooler, Luka grabbed a triangular shaped container, holding a ham and cheese sandwich.  He watched Susan grab a bag of Doritos and a can of Coke.  "That's really healthy," he said mockingly.

Susan rolled her eyes as he reached into his pocket to pay the plump elderly woman, whose hair was bound in an unattractive elastic net.  "You know I don't need a lecture from you!  Bad eating habits are the least of your worries.  At least I didn't spend the night wallowing in his sorrows."

He frowned.  "How do you know I was doing that?" Luka asked suspiciously.

Susan smiled at Luka's inability to read people sometimes.  "I didn't.  And you just told me," she replied, handing the cafeteria woman her money for her early snack.

Luka stuck his tongue out at her and headed towards the far wall, which boasted a newly inserted window in the dreary cafeteria.  "Well, you don't know the half of it," he groaned.

Susan opened the red bag of processed cheese nachos and flipped one into her mouth.  "Wh-a do you mean?" the chip in her mouth constricted her pronunciation.  As she quickly chewed and swallowed the crunchy delight, Susan pulled out the chair across from him and sat down, quite intrigued.  "What happened?"

Luka pulled open the plastic container that kept his sandwich, somewhat fresh.  "I kind of screwed up with Abby."

Susan opened her can of pop and shrugged.  "So that's old news.  Why don't you…?"  Susan stopped herself.  She wasn't going to do it.  She wasn't going to open her mouth and give the poor clueless man advice.  Susan looked up at Luka's clouded expression.  _She just wasn't_.

"You don't understand.  I all but," Luka lowered his voice as heads began to turn in his direction, "all but just told her yesterday that I made a mistake and wanted her back."  Saying it now, a day later didn't make the situation seem less horrible.

Susan coughed, covering her mouth, trying not to spit out the carbonated beverage.  "You…you what?" she gasped, leaning over the table to hear the rest of the steamy details.

"More or less I told her that I still had feelings for her."

Susan could feel her eyes widen in disbelief.  She knew she had been bugging Luka about Abby, but for him to out rightly admit to her that he wanted her back?  Now that was something unexpected.  "So what did she say?"

She couldn't imagine what kind of response she would have if some former boyfriend told her that he still cared for her, even though she was dating someone else.  _Abby is one lucky duck_.

"Not much.  I think we've both been avoiding each other, trying not to have to sort out the mess I made by opening my mouth," Luka sighed.  He continued to pick at his lunch.

"Well, what do you think you should do about it?"

"What can I do?" Luka said somberly.  "She's with John.  It was a mistake."

"But…"  Susan clamped her mouth tight and swallowed the thoughts that were free flowing.  She shouldn't meddle in other people's business.  Susan sighed, checking her watch.  A quarter to one.  "I have to get going." She sighed.

Luka jerked up from his fascination with his sandwich.  "Huh?  Oh, yeah.  Sure."

Susan pushed back her chair and picked up her can of Coke.  "Do you want to talk about it later?" she offered.

Luka smiled and shook his head.  He seemed to push the dilemma to the back of his mind.  His brow furrowed and he chuckled.  "No!  It's not that big of a deal.  Abby's probably forgotten about it anyway."

Susan raised her eyebrows skeptically at him, though she didn't voice her doubts about it.  "Well," she sighed, loathing at the thought of finishing her rounds.  "I'll see you later?"

Luka nodded, though his eyes were stared off into the distance.  He looked up, as if suddenly realizing that Susan had said something.  "Uh, yeah," he said apologetically.

Susan headed towards the cafeteria exit, but couldn't help but stare after him.  _He's so whipped_.

~~~

"Excuse me?" a woman's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Uh, yes?" Luka's eyes glanced up to meet a pair of vivid green eyes.  His one brow arched at the surprise interruption.  After Susan left during their brief conversation, he went back to brooding over what to do about his feelings for Abby.  "How can I help you?"  She looked very familiar for some reason.

The auburn haired woman nodded uneasily as she nervously wrung her hands.  "Um, you don't know me, but I'm a friend of Jing Mei's."

Luka smiled and offered her the empty seat across the table from him.  "You know Dr. Chen?"

The petite woman nodded as she awkwardly sat down in front of him.  "Yes.  Actually, I'm her brother's fiancé, Jennifer?"

Then the light finally dawned upon him.  She was the woman he had seen kneeling in the room.  As he studied her, the thin delicate gold necklace that lay gently across her collarbone confirmed it.  "Yes.  I've heard about you and Dr. Chen's brother.  I hear he's recovering quickly?"

Her lips curled in an elated smile and her eyes shone at the mention of his recovery.  "Yes," she said, her shoulders pulled back as she took a sharp intake of air.  "Stephen is doing extremely well."

"Well I'm happy to hear that – for both you and Jing Mei."

She nodded happily, and then unexpectedly her face became solemn and her quiet demeanor returned.  "I was talking with Jing Mei, and your name happened to come up."

Luka leaned forward and frowned.  "What is it?"

"Well, I'm scheduled to go to this seminar for work this week, and Stephen's dad and mom are away at a medical conference…" Her voice trailed off.

Luka remained silent, though he smiled and encouraged her to go on.

"Well, you see, Jing Mei is going to be working a crazy schedule at Mercy and I feel like no one will be there for Stephen."  She paused a moment, her eyes darting from the grey cement tile floors to him.  "Jing Mei mentioned you might be nice enough to…well, to check in on Stephen from time to time."

The request didn't seem like too much of an imposition but he thought he was an odd choice.  "What about Carter?  I'm sure he knows Stephen better than I?  I mean I haven't even met him."

Jennifer shook her head.  "No, he's been so kind to check up on Stephen lately that he's been getting behind on his charts; and Jing Mei and I just don't want to bother him."

"So Jing Mei thought I had nothing better to do?" Luka teased.

Jennifer's eyes widened and she shook her head vehemently.  "Oh no!" she exclaimed.  "That's not it at all…"  She looked horrified at the thought she had offended him.

Luka shook his head and patted her hand, which was splayed on the table.  "I'm just kidding.  I know what you mean."

Jennifer's body, which sat rigid, relaxed when he reassured her that he wasn't offended.  She sat back in the cafeteria chair and let out a sigh of relief.  "Oh good," she laughed nervously.  "You have no idea how nerve wracking it is to ask someone you don't know to look in on someone they don't know."

Luka smiled sympathetically.  She was as sweet and quiet as she looked when he observed her praying in her fiancé's room.  He tilted his head and shrugged.  "This shouldn't be a problem," he said, reassuringly.  

"Besides," he whispered, "it will get me out of work."

Jennifer's eyes twinkled as she laughed at his attempt at a joke.  "Great."

~~~

"Jing Mei?"

She turned around to see Henry waving her over to the admit desk, while scribbling something down quickly on a chart.  "Yeah?" she replied, striding over to meet him.  Jing Mei was overtired and had estimated seeing at least 50 patients in the past hour.

Once he finished scribbling in the horrible, almost indecipherable scratching, only doctors seemed to make, did he look up and smile at her.  "I just wanted to catch you before I leave for the Coast this weekend."

"Oooh, _the Coast_!"

Henry raised his eyebrows, his eyes shining brightly.  "You could still come if you wanted," he offered.

Jing Mei shook her head.  "Too loaded down here.  I've got to make up for the time I took off when Stephen got hurt."  Hugging the patient chart she had on hand close to her chest, she leaned against the admit desk.  

"Why don't you take Grace from Neuro?" Jing Mei suggested, with a twinkle in her eye.  "She's been hanging out with you in the staff lounge a lot."

Henry blushed.  "We're just friends," he protested, uneasily.

"Yeah, I've heard that one before," she teased.  They headed towards the elevator.  "No really, I think she digs you, Henry."

The young looking Asian doctor became unusually silent.  "I don't know about that."

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  She had seen it before, back at County.  Jing Mei knew exactly what a person with an infatuation with another person looked like.  To her dismay, she had watched John go through it with Abby.  "Trust me," she sighed.  "If you ask her out, she'll definitely say yes."

Henry shrugged, reluctant to put any faith into her words.  "We'll see," he smirked, getting onto the elevator.

As the doors slid inwards, slowly engulfing Henry's presence from her view, Jing Mei stared miserably at her chart.  "If only I could get a life," she muttered to herself.  Peering up at the clock that hung in the center between the row of four elevators, Jing Mei bit her bottom lip.

She needed a night out and soon.  Having no social life - with the exception of hanging out with her brother and his fiancé, and waiting for John to realize that _she_, not Abby was the one for him – was wearing at her.  Jing Mei felt like she was waiting for her life to begin.

In the beginning, before she realized how much she cared about John, and how much she missed him when she returned to County, Jing Mei was focused and had a purpose; now she was listless and her work had become her life.  At least before, she was going out on dates, though she always knew from looking at the guy, it would never work out.  She was sabotaging all of her relationships in the hopes of one change at happiness with the one man she knew she loved.

As she made her way down the busy corridor, Jing Mei shook her head at herself.  "No wonder I could see Grace was an infatuated girl, a mile away," she mumbled to herself.  Jing Mei ducked into the bathroom to splash cold water on her face.

Looking at herself in the mirror, she turned away from her reflection in disgust.  Jing Mei closed her eyes, and hung her head dejectedly.  "It's because I am one."


	19. sa19

Softly Awaken

Chapter Seventeen

*****

Many a man claims to have unfailing love,   
but a faithful man who can find?

                                                                                                            Prov. 20:6

*****

"I think I've had enough advice to last me a lifetime," Luka laughed, slapping Stephen on the back.

"Hey, I'm not the one who's giving it!" the muscular, Asian patient exclaimed.  "Women, one they think they've got you cased, you never hear the end of it."

"And what women would you be talking about, Stephen?" 

Luka followed Stephen's gaze to the door, where the familiar voice came from.  Jennifer was leaning up against the doorway, staring knowingly at the two doctors.  She had a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Uh, Stephen was just warning me against certain," he coughed, "American women, who are like that."  Luka tried hard to stifle the smirk he was sure was pasted across his lips.

"Oh really?" Jennifer said slyly, as she planted a kiss on Stephen's forehead.

"Definitely."  Stephen nodded ardently.

Luka sighed contently, and glanced at his watch.  "I have to get back for rounds."

Jennifer nodded.  "Well you won't have to visit Stephen much longer.  Dr. Jordan said that he is good to go."  Her face beamed as she informed him of the good news.

"That's great!" Luka smiled.  "I'm glad you won't have to be kept up in this hospital anymore."

"Don't you mean '_cooped'_?"  Abby's vocal correction came as a surprise to Luka, who hadn't noticed her arrival.

Luka recovered quickly from the interruption.  He rolled his eyes at the woman whose head poked around the door.  "They knew what I meant," he replied awkwardly.  After he spoke an uncomfortable silence fell upon the room.  

"Is that why you came up here?  To correct my grammar?"

**~~~**

The remark had a slight edge to it.  Abby raised her eyebrows.  Luka seemed to tense up at her arrival.  "Uh no?" she answered.  "Weaver's on the rampage, and I thought you should be warned.  I don't think she would be happy to find you up here again; rather than working in the ER."  She narrowed her gaze as she noticed two pairs of eyes watching intently – the little show she and Luka were putting on.  Abby felt at a slight disadvantage and instinctively felt like fleeing the scene.

"I'll be right down.  I was just saying goodbye to Stephen," Luka explained.

Abby smiled awkwardly.  "Um, good.  I have to go now," she said wryly, pleased to have an excuse to leave.  "Carter needs me to nag a couple of lab techs."  After that lame excuse, Abby left the room, relieved.

~~~

"So that's the _infamous_ Abby, everyone's been talking about?" Stephen mused.

"She seems nice," Jennifer offered her thoughts.

Luka knew better to comment.  Everyone seemed eager to help him with his situation with Abby…or lack thereof.  "Yes, well," he said distractedly, "I'd better be off.  You don't know Weaver."  He made a tortured face.

Stephen smiled.  "I've heard a few things," he chuckled.  "I'll see you around."

Luka nodded.  "Don't be a stranger!"

Jennifer took a step forward and wrapped her arms around his neck.  "Thanks for keeping him company.  It gave me a little less to worry about, while I was away."

He squeezed the petite red-head gently, as he welcomed the embrace.  "It was nothing," he dismissed.  It certainly gave him a lot less time to think about where his life was headed and well, Abby.

"Well, it meant a lot to me," Jennifer sniffed.

Luka waved casually at the new-found friend, and headed back to the ER.  Just the thought of the grueling evening shift ahead made him groan.  He still hadn't talked with Abby about the other night, not that she was ever one for conversation, especially this subject, but the endless possibilities about what she must be thinking about him was eating at him.

_They needed to talk._

~~~

"Mom," Jing Mei groaned.  "Don't worry!  I'll be by County before Jen takes him home."

Jing Mei should have known Stephen's discharge would have been his parents' top priority when she heard they wouldn't be able to be at the hospital.  It was a quarter to five, and Jing Mei had already been there two hours longer than scheduled.  

She was tired, and in no mood to deal with her parents' anxiety over Stephen's early discharge.  

"I'll have him call you when he gets settled in," she said soothingly.

"Okay.  Bye."  Jing Mei was relieved to get them off the phone, even if she had promised to put her older brother through the wringer, by having him call them.  It would be an endless tirade of 'Are you okay?', 'Are you sure they should have let you out so early?', and 'Do you need anything?'  Jing Mei rubbed her neck as she packed up her files and charts she would need at home.

_Get out.  Make it fast and quick.  No stopping for anyone._

She psyched herself up as she headed towards her office door.  No more impromptu traumas, she promised herself.

"Hey Chen," a low raspy voice called down the empty hallway.

Jing Mei groaned silently as she waited for the young, blonde resident surgeon to job up beside her.  "What do you want, Bobby?"  Her tone was dry and wary.

The cocky surgeon had a permanent smirk etched on his face as far as Jing Mei could tell.  He had arrived a week ago at Mercy.  He was hot, but a little too big on himself.  Jing Mei smiled to herself.

"Uh, so how about that drink tonight?"  His right brow arched smoothly in time with his silky proposition.

"And for the hundredth time, no," she grinned mischievously.

It had been a while since Jing Mei actually caught herself flirting with a guy, not since Michael's birth, had she allowed herself to be so carefree.

"Who's the lucky guy I keep hearing about?" Bobby asked sourly.

"What lucky guy?"  Jing Mei frowned.  She hadn't heard any rumors about her around the gossip mill.

"This guy the nurses keep raving about, like he's some god or something!" he pouted.  "You can't be serious about dropping _me_, for _him_?"  His eyes became round blue pools, and his mouth drooped dejectedly.

"Maybe," she said coyly.  "I'll think about it."  Jing Mei winked, leaving Bobby standing alone in the hallway.

When Bobby flirted with her, Jing Mei was reminded that she was still attractive and desirable to some.  It was something she needed, especially these days.  As Jing Mei headed towards the parkade, she reminded herself that she would never find Mr. Right just sitting on the sidelines.

_Maybe it was time she had a little bit of fun for a change._

~~~

"I think we need a little break," Abby said somberly.  John had gotten home just a little bit after her.  She decided to just dive right in. 

He had semi-moved back into her apartment again by the end of the week.  Their spat hadn't been mentioned since.  The whole feel of the living arrangements had been.  Most of the time, each sought asylum in their respective corners, though they spoke cordially while they made lunch or dinner arrangements.

It was grueling and painful.  And Abby didn't want to do it anymore.

~ * ~

John was in quiet disarray.  It seemed to make sense.  He had been thinking the same thing a little while ago as he slept rigidly in their bed…but he just couldn't go through with it.  _How many times would he go through this with a woman he cared for?_

"Really?" John said disappointed.  He ran his fingers through his hair, as he bit his bottom lip and tried to regulate his breathing.

Abby seemed like the perfect woman for him.  She understood…

John shook his head, lost in thought.  

But she hadn't understood him.  In fact, Abby had never tried to even hear him.  Her 'probing' questions scratched the surface of who he was, and she never bothered to dive deeper than that.  And that _had_ left doubts in his mind.

If he looked back on their relationship, it was anything but settled, or even comfortable.  She never liked to talk about her emotions, and when she did, it looked like he was pulling her teeth.  Their relationship was anything but sweetness and fun.  In the time they'd spent together, he knew more or less, the same amount about her.  But he was willing to _work_ at it.

"I just feel like we pushed so hard to be together, after fighting our feelings, that we just moved into it a little too fast."  Abby's voice cracked as he listened to her polite excuses.

"And I feel like I had to push that hard for me to even get close to you," John countered, lifting his gaze to meet hers.

"What do you want me to say, John?"  Abby stared into his brooding eyes, at a loss of what to say.  "I've been getting mixed signals for the past few weeks."

"What are you talking about?" John rolled his eyes in disbelief.  It was an excuse.

"Well…first…first it was all about me, but somewhere along the line, Deb entered the picture."  She folded her arms across her chest, uneasy.  Abby could have cut the tension in the room with a knife.

"There is no Deb and me!" he exclaimed in exasperation.

"You say that John, but don't think I've noticed how easily you get distracted by her.  Even if there is nothing between you, I think it's hypocritical for you to ask me to drop my friends for you.  You expect me to tell you everything, but the same doesn't seem to apply to you?"

John was speechless.  He had no idea where that had come from.  He didn't even know where to start picking apart her accusation.  "What are you talking about?" he cried, throwing his hands frustratingly in the air.  "I've never done that to you!  The only time I've ever come remotely close is when it comes to Luka, and you don't want to open up that can of worms!"

"And why can't I have him as a friend?" Abby countered.  After the question popped out of her mouth, she regretted it.

John laughed loudly.  "Do I really have to answer that?" he said incredulously.

He looked at the blondish brown haired woman that stood defiantly before him.  He had been dating her for 3 months, and it was like looking at a stranger.

"You dated this man…shared his bed.  I can't believe you can even mention him during this conversation!"

Abby was frustrated and tired.  She rubbed the bridge of her nose, as she shrugged her shoulders back in attempt to relieve the tension in them.

"Fine, let's not talk about him, then," she said curtly, raising her hands up in surrender.

John furrowed his brow.  "Does _this_…" he gestured to the space in between them, "have something to do with _him_?"  
  


A look of distress flashed across her face as she began shaking her head fervently.  "No!" she exclaimed.  "You're the one who brought him up!"  Her voice cracked as she spoke the last few words.

This new revelation brought some amount of clarity in John.  Abby had been very uneasy around Luka lately, and she had been on edge about everything he said, as if he were attacking her.  And now, this fixation on Deb...  It seemed to make sense.  Sort of.  This twist in the dialogue didn't really seem to make sense at all.  But her feelings for the Croation doctor seemed to explain some of her scattered charges.

"Do you still have feelings for Luka?"  He looked at her, his face expressionless.  

_He should have known._

Abby didn't know how to answer that question.  She wanted to say no, but a part of her knew that was a lie.  She still had feelings for the man.  Of course she did.  How could she not?  _But what kind of feelings_?

He held his breath during the arduous silence.  All of the rumors about the tension between Luka and Abby would be confirmed or unraveled by her one-word answer.

"N..no!  Of course not!" she finally exclaimed.  "This has nothing to do with him."

_Liar_.  Abby swallowed hard.  She couldn't tell him something she didn't know was even really there.  It could have been a figment of her imagination.  What she felt when she met Luka in that unsettling conversation…she just couldn't explain.

John studied Abby's body language go from tense to intensely agitated.  His heart began to pound against his chest, as a lump had formed in his throat – did the maiden protest too much?

He turned around and found the back of the couch to lean against.  "Then why can't you let me in?" John whispered.  His lungs seemed to scream for air, as if his respiratory system wasn't doing its job.

John stared at Abby forlornly.  Why did it feel like everything they had built together was falling apart?

Abby moved a few steps forward.  "Who do you think I am?" she asked softly, avoiding his question.

The question seemed odd.  It was another sharp turn in the conversation that didn't seem to leave any rhyme or reason in its wake.

"What?" John shook his head at the illogical question.

"When you look at me, or think about me, who would you _say_ I am?" Abby asked calmly.

He had to understand what she felt.  John had to understand the pressure and expectation he put on their relationship…on her.

After taking a moment, he looked up at her and sighed.  "You're Abby - strong-willed, caring, sometimes misguided and confused, but for the most part, someone wonderful.  If you weren't, I wouldn't be with you."  His tone was wistful.

Abby pressed her fingers lightly against her lips, and nodded slowly.  "And why did you think we were good together?"

John shook his head.  "I don't know why I have to…"

"Just answer the question, John," Abby interrupted.  She did have a point, if John would allow her to get there.

"At first," John sighed, resigned to answering her questions.  "I was attracted to you.  And then the more time we spent together, it felt like you understood me.  We were able to talk about stuff, and we had a good time."  

He hoped that was what she was looking for because he didn't have any other answer.

"And you wanted to rescue me from the wreck I was in with Luka and the drinking," Abby added coolly.  John opened his mouth to protest, but Abby cut him off.  "But that couldn't be the whole basis for our relationship, could it, _Carter_?"  Abby moved into the kitchen, and grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator.  

"Sometimes I think you just want to make all of my problems go away, which is something that makes me love you."  Abby smiled in sweet sorrow.  "But I think with that, comes this desire to change me."

"I don't understand what you mean."  His shoulders slumped forward.

Her logic made his head swirl.  Sometimes John, just didn't understand her.  And now she was referring to him as Carter, like a co-worker, distancing herself from him.  He'd seen her do it before, with others.

"Carter," Abby paused, "I think for the longest time, you imagined me to be this certain way.  I was always turning to you for help and advice – a friendly ear to listen to my problems.  And you thought you had the answers.  You never imagined how much baggage I came with."

"Of course I knew!" John replied obstinately.  "I was there with you, through your divorce, Maggie, and even the relapse."  He looked at her as if she didn't realize how much he _did_ understand her.  He understood her more than she understood herself.

"_There_," Abby pointed at him, "_that's the problem_.  That's what I'm talking about...that look on your face.  It's…it's almost _condescending_ in a way."  She leaned against the kitchen counter.  "You don't think I know what I'm doing, do you?"

John pursed his lips, and folded his arms across his chest, shaking his head just once.  "No," he denied.

Abby rolled her eyes.  "C'mon Carter!  Wasn't it you, warding me off Luka?  Wasn't it you, who made it everyone else's business, but my own, when you found out I was drinking again?"

John stared dubiously at Abby.  "And I was right, wasn't I?  Or are you going to deny that?" he exclaimed incredulously.  "I thought I was a friend, and I thought you thought so too."

"And you _have_ to be _right_, don't you?" Abby retorted.

John let the comment slide.  He was tired and had nothing left to say to her right then.  She had decided without him, their fate.  He should have known it would end this way.  All of his relationships ended painfully, well, with the exception of Susan, although, that had smarted.  

Why did he always hang on just a little too long?

"_Maybe you're right_," he said coldly, refusing to deny the inevitable.  "Maybe it's time we _were_ apart for a while."


	20. sa20

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty

*****

A friend loves at all times,

and a brother is born for adversity.

                                                                                                            Prov. 17:17

*****

"Funny meeting you here, stranger." Luka smiled faintly as he nudged his hip against Abby's.

Abby hadn't expected to bump into anyone at the unknown coffee shop, while waiting for her Moccachino. And running into Luka was another thing in itself. She waited, plastering a smile on her face as his attention was focused on the petite blonde cashier, no older than 20, while ordering an double espresso. When he had given his order, Abby let out an audible sigh, attempting to appear content. 

"What are you doing at this end of town?" she asked, sipping the hot, steaming, expensive delight.

Luka shrugged his shoulders back, uncomfortably, and leaned against the tiled counter. "I had to pick some stuff from the pharmacy across the street and decided I needed a pick-me-up before I go in tonight."

This was the first time he had seen Abby alone since he decided that he needed to clear the air with her. Her reddish blonde hair was loose against her shoulders; and her smooth, fair complexion was au natural - no makeup - which Luka had always preferred on her. She had a natural glow about her that made her face appear flawless.

"Oh," Abby smiled, fidgeting with the take-out cup in her hand. "Well, I better get going." She pointed to the glass door, which led to the bustling Chicago street.

Luka frowned. If he didn't tell her now, that he wanted to speak to her, there would be no other opportune time.

"Abby, wait!" he said, hesitantly. She peered at him curiously. "Could we talk?"

Abby swallowed the cooling cocoa-flavored liquid, and cleared her throat. "Uh," she looked at her watch, "sure." She nodded.

While she waited for Luka to thank the server for his express, Abby couldn't help but wonder what Luka could possibly want to talk about. And then it suddenly dawned on her. This was going to be a heavy conversation, at least on his part.

"I don't know if this is appropriate," Luka hedged, as they exited the Starbucks, "but I think that it's important." He paused, letting his words sink in, for both of them. "I think we need to talk about what I said the other night."

They walked down the concrete sidewalk, weaving through the almost hostile strangers that met them with cold stares. It was a quiet night - what could be considered quiet for the active streets of the extremely populated city.

"You don't have to explain," Abby replied, embarrassingly. "We were both having an off night." She shied away from the subject, hoping that her quick dismissal of the subject would satisfy Luka's guilt for springing his declaration of love - as much a declaration as Luka would ever make - on her.

She felt the hackles on her neck stand on end, waiting uncomfortably for his usual, casual smirk and nod. Abby was not in the mood to discuss relationships. It hadn't been two nights since she broke the news to John that she thought it would be best to take a break, and now she had to tell Luka that this wasn't the right time? Abby silently groaned. _How did she get herself into these situations?_

Luka searched deep within himself for the right words to broach the subject. He didn't want this to be an uncomfortable conversation - if there was such a possibility. Noticing Abby's uneasy and strained expression, Luka knew that no 'specific' words would make a difference. She was already retreating into her shell, which kept her from being exposed or vulnerable for too long.

"I'm sorry if I…if I made you _uncomfortable_, when I told you those things the other night." He kept the specifics vague, though both remembered exactly what he had said to her. "I really don't want you to feel like I'm pushing you…" His voice trailed off. He just couldn't find the right words.

Abby closed her eyes as they stopped at the curb for the red light. This was the last thing she wanted to happen; Luka felt guilty about her less than receptive behaviour, even though it had nothing to do with him, really.

"Luka," she sighed, as they stepped down from the curb and crossed the white stripped area, reserved for pedestrians. "It's not you. It's just that…well, a lot of things are on my mind right now and I just can't focus on one more thing."

Abby peered up at the tall Croatian doctor and hoped that he understood. It had crossed her mind that she needed to discuss the situation between her and Luka, but since the break up, it was the last thing on her mind.

Luka took a deep breath as he assessed the situation. 'There definitely was something on her mind,' he reasoned silently.

After a moment, Luka finished his last drop of express and nodded. "I'm not going to push," he said quietly. "But if there is something wrong, I would like to try to help."

Abby smiled graciously at Luka. "It's not something you can fix," she said vaguely.

She could feel Luka's gaze fixed upon her. It made her tense up and stare awkwardly at the cooling Moccachino in her hand. _Would it be right to tell him that they had broken up?_

Abby kept her eyes averted from the warm concern that she was certain evaded from Luka's eyes. Sometimes she wished that she didn't feel the need to be in control of her emotions and hide what she was really feeling and thinking from people. It had been the problem in all of her relationships. And it was what had broken the connection between her and John.

"So this is probably where we have to _split_ up, huh?" Luka quipped.

Abby frowned. "Hmm?" As she looked up at her surroundings, Abby realized that they were at the corner of Carlisle Drive and Avenue C.

"I said that this is our fork in the road," Luka repeated, gesturing to the different streets they would take - his led to the hospital and hers to the 'L' train.

His meeting with Abby hadn't gone according to plan, but in retrospect, it probably went better. Though he had not explained his feelings, Luka felt that they had an understanding - they _would_ actually talk about it.

Abby bit her lip and nodded. "I guess," she said, letting out a deep breath.

The warm, late afternoon breeze swirled around them. It brushed a few of Abby's long, straight locks into her eyes. She looked like a woman standing in a modern day portrait. It was then that the bustle of traffic and human voices around them seemed to drown away; silence replacing the unfocused mixture of sounds.

"You work tomorrow?" he asked.

"No. I've worked five day shifts, so I've got two days off and work a night shift," Abby explained as she kicked the air in front of her.

"Oh," Luka nodded, not knowing what else to say.

Abby tilted her head to the side and furrowed her brow. "Maybe if you're not busy sometime, you can give me a call," she said hesitantly. "I don't know if I'll be home, but if I am, then maybe we can catch a movie or something?"

Luka brightened at the suggestion. By her invitation, he knew she didn't feel too awkward about the prior unresolved issue. He nodded. "Sure. I'll give you a call." He paused a moment. "Don't you think Carter might have a problem with this?" he joked.

Abby stiffened. "Uh, no," she coughed, staring down at the sidewalk. "Shouldn't be a problem. But you should probably get going, huh?"

Luka frowned as he looked down at his watch. He nodded, as he realized his shift started in 15 minutes. "Yeah," he said slowly, eyeing Abby's restlessness at the mention of John's name.

Abby was antsy after Luka's casual mention of Carter. And she was even more so after her reaction to his name. She could tell from the curious look in Luka's eye. He had noticed her reaction too.

Clasping her hands around her coffee cup, Abby let out another deep breath and plastered on a smile. "Well, I better be going," she chirped. "I have a few things to do before it gets dark."  Luka nodded slowly, yet made no comment.

"Well, I'll see you." Abby turned on her heel and made her way to the El train. After a short debate, she turned around and waved awkwardly, knowing that she probably looked like she was running away from something.

Luka watched Abby make a quick getaway. He waited until she disappeared around the corner before turning around to begin his shift at County. 'That was strange, even for Abby,' he thought.

_I wonder if there is something up between those two_?

**~~~**

Jing Mei ran the thin, bristle brush through her hair one last time.  It was the first time she had really gone out 'officially' since her pregnancy.  Sliding her hands down her black silk dress, she took one last look at herself in the full length mirror.  The corners of her lips curled slightly as she winked at herself in the mirror.  "Not bad, Chen.  Not bad at all."

Grabbing her matching black handbag, Jing Mei ran into the bathroom and checked her make up.  She ran the tip of her index finger along the edge of her bottom lip and blotted with a square of toilet paper.  Her date would be pleased she surmised.

Now satisfied with her presentation, Jing Mei looked at the thin silver band across her wrist.  5:45 p.m.  Bobby would be there in a few minutes.  She felt her chest tighten at the thought.  It had been a year since she had seriously connected with a member of the opposite sex.  _Did she remember what to do?_

Ring.

The phone startled Jing Mei from the pre-date anxiety that she was allowing herself to sink into.  Picking up the phone, she smiled as she answered, as if the expression on her face could be translated over the thin, fiberoptic lines between her ears and her caller.

"Hello?"

"Hey Deb," John's voice greeted her casually.

Her smile vanished and her brow furrowed at the call.  "John!"  Her voice rose revealing her surprise.

"Hi," he laughed hesitantly.

Jing Mei leaned against her kitchen counter as she detected a certain awkwardness in his voice.  "What are you…"  Just then, John interrupted her.  "Are you busy tonight?" he asked.

But before she could ask John what the call was really about, the buzzer sounded in her apartment.  "Sorry."  Jing Mei turned towards the source of the noise.  "Could you hold on for a second?" she asked apologetically.

"Yeah," he answered.

Jing Mei ran to her door, pressing a small white button, letting Bobby into the building.  As she waited for Bobby to arrive, Jing Mei returned to the conversation at hand.  "John, sorry about that," she apologized again.  "What's up?"

There was a slight pause at the other end of the phone.  Now Jing Mei knew something was wrong.

"You're busy right now, right?" John finally spoke - his question more of a statement.

Jing Mei frowned, shaking her head out of habit, as if John could see her.  "No," she dismissed.  "What's wrong?"

As she waited for his answer, there was a rhythmic knock on the door.  Jing Mei strode towards the door, when John finally replied.  "I need someone to talk to."  The answer was a simple statement, but Jing Mei knew it was more of a plea.

In the awkward silence over the phone, Jing Mei had reached her door and opened it to reveal  her tall handsome date.  Her first prospect, in the dry spell of her romantic entanglements, stood with flowers in hand and a warm smile.

Jing Mei swallowed hard, as the receiver pressed uncomfortably against her ear.  _What was she going to do?_

"_Deb_?"  John's voice beckoned over the phone, just as Bobby handed her the bouquet of wildflowers.

"Uh," she hedged, as she held up her hand, gesturing Bobby to wait for just a second, "John, I just need one more second.  There's someone here I need to talk to for a minute."

Pressing the receiver against her chest, Jing Mei considered the man who stood before her and then her needful friend on the other end of the receiver.  Closing her eyes and letting out a deep breath, when she opened them, she looked remorsefully at Bobby.

"I'm sorry," she mouthed to the expectant resident, who looked like he had never been turned down by a woman before.  Jing Mei pointed at the phone.  "I really need to take this."

The muscular blonde creased his brow and tilted his head, resembling a confused puppy, unable to understand what had just happened.  

"Jing Mei, c'mon!  Our first date and you're blowing me off?" he exclaimed in astonishment.

Jing Mei shrugged helplessly, pointing at the cordless receiver.  "I really have an emergency here," she explained vainly.

There was no point in trying to explain the vague, and wordless plea John had uttered over the phone.  And as much as she was trying to move on and stop swooning over the med student she had studied and learned hard lessons with, he needed her right now.  As a friend, she could not ignore that; she would not ignore it.  "Sorry."

Bobby rolled his eyes and shook his head.  "Fine," he frowned.  "Whatever."

Jing Mei was about to apologize once more, but the resident surgeon at Mercy turned on his heel and stalked down the hallway.  She frowned, wishing it had gone differently.

"John?" she said hesitantly, wondering if he was still on the line.  Her regrets about Bobby already forgotten.

"I'm still here," he sighed.

"Well, I'll be over in 20 minutes."

**~~~**

"John, there's a man standing at the door with a pizza."  Gramma's familiar dry and dispassionate tone made John look up from the most recent medical journal he had received.  "I believe that he is looking for you?" she said, looking over the bridge of her reading glasses.

"Yeah."  John stood up from the comfortable couch and set down the journal on the coffee table.  He reached into his pocket as he entered the foyer and greeted the delivery boy, who was subtly inspecting a house that seemed less than likely to order pizza.  "How much?" John inquired.

Startled, the delivery boy jerked his head to see John standing there.  "Huh?" he muttered.  After a short pause, the boy laughed nervously.  "Oh, yeah.  That'll be an even $20."

John handed him $25 and accepted the steaming, flat cardboard box.  "Thanks."  

He walked the boy to the door and made his way back to the living room.  Gamma was sitting on the edge of the couch casually flipping through the journal he had been reading.  John slipped the pizza on top of a short pile of magazines, which sat on the coffee table.  He didn't dare set it on the surface of the cherry oak coffee table.  His grandmother would have a 'cow'.

"Find anything interesting?" he asked, as he lifted the lid on the steaming pizza.

The prim silver-haired matriarch lifted her head and looked irritably at John.  "I don't understand why you read these things," she said drolly.  "All they ever describe is a new type of medicine, or a procedure that some doctor has just done.  It's not like you don't see enough patients and think about medicine enough when you're at the hospital, but do you really have to read this too?"

John carefully picked up a slice of the pepperoni and bacon pizza, and cautiously bit the American delicacy, dripping with cheese.  "I have to," he chewed a few times and swallowed, "keep up with the new medicines and procedures Gamma."  The warm, spicy food sparked a sense of comfort within him.  John knew he would pick pizza over any gourmet meal any day, especially when it was pepperoni and bacon.

She ignored his comment and set down the journal, closing its pages and placing it neatly before her.  "Who did you call earlier, John?"  Her probing grey eyes seemed to scrutinize his every move while waiting for an answer.

John quickly swallowed his third bite, as he juggled the half eaten slice of pizza in his hands,  while trying not to drip sauce on the coffee table or the carpet.  "Uh, Deb," he replied casually, licking the sauce that managed to dribble onto his hand.

Gamma seemed to take in this news with interest.  "What reason do you have to call Jing Mei this evening?" she frowned.  "If your evening is free, I would assume you would be out with Abby?"

John coughed, almost choking on his second to last bite of pizza.  Her observation sent an acute, stabbing pain into his chest.  Suddenly his appetite had waned.  "I needed to talk to Deb," he mumbled.

"But what about Abby?" Gamma curiously probed.  "I don't think you want the same melodramatic incident to occur like last time?"  She leaned forward, as if she knew she was waiting for some intimate revelation.

John shifted awkwardly under his grandmother's indirect query about his love life.  "Nothing is going to happen," he dismissed uneasily.

Ding dong.

John's gaze turned towards the foyer.  "That must be Deb," he exclaimed, happy for the interruption.  He excused himself and practically ran to the door.  He opened the door to find Deb standing in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt; her hair tied back in a ponytail.

"Hi!" she smiled, tentatively waving her hand in front of her.

John gestured for her to enter the house.  "Hi," he said breathily.  "Thanks for coming over."

When he had phoned earlier, John hadn't realized who he was phoning until he heard her voice on the other end.  He was completely overrun with thoughts about Abby.  It was horrible.  He couldn't sit still for a minute without thinking about her.

"So what's up?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

Before John could answer, Gamma appeared in the foyer, slowly making her way towards them.  "I thought I heard your voice Jing Mei," she exclaimed, a crooked smile on her face.

"Mrs. Carter, I'm so glad to see you're moving around a little better," Deb chirped, greeting his grandmother with a conservative embrace.

John sighed.  He hoped that Gamma wouldn't make a big deal over her visit.  "Yeah," he nodded, "she's been making slow but sure progress."

Deb glanced back at him and smiled briefly, before turning her attention to his grandmother.  "Well, I'm glad."

John smiled politely at Gamma and stepped up behind Deb.  "Uh, Deb and I are just going to be in the other room," he informed his grandmother, hoping to save Deb from a detached and polite conversation about her work and parents.

Gamma looked less than pleased with his attempt at a quick getaway, but she turned and smiled politely at Deb.  "Well, Jing Mei, I was planning to have a rest," she explained, "and just wanted to say hello."

John pressed his hand lightly into the small of Deb's back.  She looked back at him and frowned slightly before turning her attention to his grandmother.  "Well it was good to see you again."

Gamma finally took her leave, which wasn't soon enough for John.  As much as he loved his grandmother, it was hard to talk to her or have her relate to what he was going through.  He also preferred not to expose his friends to her subtle criticisms.

"Let's go into the living room," John motioned to the dimly lit room.

Deb tilted her head and furrowed her brow, pausing a moment to look at him, before accepting his suggestion.  John followed behind her, not exactly sure what they were going to talk about.

**~~~**

"So it's not a done deal yet, right?" Jing Mei frowned, taking another bite out of the now cold pizza.  She leaned back and snuggled into the plush couch, her knees tucked into her chest.

It had taken awhile before John got to the big news.  He hadn't wanted to just blurt it out.

"I guess not," he shrugged, leaning over and picking up his coffee cup.  "But it certainly seems that way."

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  This news hadn't broken her heart by any means.  In fact, she had to silently chide herself for thinking, '_Finally_.'  "John get into a big knot.  You guys just started dating.  You were bound to have a fight sooner or later," she sighed.  This was anything but fun.

_Why had she bailed on a date to hold John's hand?_

"I suppose," he groaned, setting his coffee back on the wooden coaster.

John knew Deb was probably right, but somewhere deep down, he felt like there was no point.  She knew the score.  Every time he dated a woman, they just ended up breaking up and he never saw them again.  All of the doctors he had dated left County, and the non-doctors…they vanished as quickly, if not faster.

"John," Jing Mei groaned, scooting over, until she was close enough to grab him by the shoulders.  "You need to stop obsessing over this."

She knew she should have had more sympathy, but it was nothing new to John.  His love life was a roller coaster, and he never seemed to do anything to change that.  Jing Mei would have given him advice, but how could she lecture him, when she hadn't had a date in over a year?

John narrowed his eyes and stuck out his tongue.  "You know it's not that easy!," he pouted.

"I don't know why not," Jing Mei shrugged.  "Actually you're taking this whole time out thing better than I would have expected."

"Yeah, really well.  I call you up and make you come over here to talk about it," he scoffed.  "I'm taking it really well."

"Well maybe we both should give up on dating," Jing Mei sighed, not knowing what other advice to give him.

John chuckled.  "We'll start a Singles Anonymous club," he suggested cavalierly.  "You and I can be founding members."

Jing Mei almost considered the offer, before pursing her lips and shaking her head.  "Can't do it," she laughed.  "I'd miss out on the sex too much."  She winked at him.

John pretended to mull it over a while longer before nodding head.  "Yeah, me too."

They sat there in a comfortable silence for a moment, both staring contently at each other.

"Do you think I just suck at picking women," John asked off-handedly, staring at his feet.

Jing Mei was caught off guard by the question.  Her mind raced, trying to think of an appropriate answer.  "Uh," she laughed uneasily. "_No_?"

John looked up and tilted his head to the side.  He let out a deep breath.  He blinked a few times before speaking again.  "No," he said softly.  "Really.  What do you really think?"

Jing Mei bit the bottom of her lip as she watched John's demeanor suddenly change.  He seemed more vulnerable.  "I…I don't know."

John's eyes narrowed and he pushed himself up until he could lean forward and look her straight in the eyes.  "You think something though," he pressed.  "I can tell from the look in your eyes."

"John," she hedged.  "I don't…"  He jumped in, interrupting her.  "You won't hurt my feelings…really.  I just want to know," John coaxed.

Jing Mei shifted uncomfortably.  "You don't know what you're asking for," she stalled, hoping some vague answer would satisfy his desire for why he could never settle down with a woman.

In her heart, Jing Mei knew she couldn't tell him what she really thought about the women he had chosen.  She hadn't met all of them, but from comments by the nurses and other doctors, he always went for the obvious.  John dated the typical devastatingly beautiful, whether they happened to be on staff or not.

She was sure they had some sort of intellect, but that wasn't what attracted him.  Sometimes it was the challenge, and sometimes it was just the attraction, but in the end, it was never based on anything more than that.  And with Abby it had been his desire to help her…to fix what hurt.

None were the basis for something that would last.

"I'm telling you, Deb, I can handle it."  John watched her, as she sat in front of him, quietly musing to herself.  He could tell she didn't want to hurt him…ego or otherwise.

Jing Mei looked up at John and shook his head.  "I can't," she sighed.  "Not right now anyway."

"Why?" John frowned.  "You don't usually have a problem telling me the way things are."

It was a challenge.  He knew she wouldn't tell him just because he asked.

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  She wasn't going to bite.  "Well, you're the one who just broke up with his girlfriend…I don't know if you're allowed to ask questions like that right now."

John just shook his head.  "Cop out."

"Let's just say that it's not all your fault John.  I mean, it's never just _one_ person's fault," she reassured.

"Yeah, but why does it always _feel_ that way?"

Jing Mei leaned over and put her hand in his.  "You'll be all right," she said confidently.

John locked gazes with Jing Mei.  "Thanks."

They sat in silence for a moment; both appreciating each other's company.  

She nodded; the first to look away.  "I'll bill you later," Jing Mei teased, lowering her legs and stretching them out in front of her.

John rolled his eyes and laughed.  "I thought the pizza was payment!"

"You wish."

John slowly nodded. eyeing one of his closest friends.  "Well, what would you take as payment then?"

Jing Mei scrunched her face as she considered the open-ended possibilities.  There were several which she would put to the side right away.  "Hmmm, that's a hard question."

John smiled curiously.  "Why?"

Jing Mei raised her eyebrows mischievously.  "There are so many options," she said slyly.

"Oh really?" John was intrigued to hear Jing Mei's thoughts.  "Sounds like you've given a lot of thought to this...payment issue between us," he teased, gently poking her in the side.

Jing Mei flinched, moving away from the dangerousl weapon in John's possession.  "Don't," she warned, pointing a finger at him.

"Don't what?" John asked innocently.  Meanwhile his fingertips were inches away from her ticklish left side.

"I'm warning you Carter!"

A devilish glint flashed in his eye.  He was never responded well to warnings.

Jing Mei screamed bloody murder when John's fingers managed to penetrate her defenses, and begin to tickle her mercilessly.  "Stop!" she cried, trying to get a grasp on his wrists and hold him at bay.

John wiggled his eyebrows, announcing to Jing Mei that he wasn't about to let up.  "I didn't know you were so ticklish Deb," he chuckled, while she was gasping for breath.

She could feel the tears running down her cheeks.  "Pleaaase!" she choked.  "I can't breathe!"

Finally after a few more seconds of torture, John let up and settled back into his part of the couch, allowing Deb time to catch her breath.  He tried to stifle his amusement at Deb's appearance.  Her hair was mussed and staticy.  Her face was flushed and she had a murderous gleam in her eye.  

Jing Mei glared evilly at John and pointed at him, uttering a warning.  "You'll pay for that," she growled.

John just laughed.

Suddenly Jing Mei's expression changed from a murderous threat to one of guilt.  John turned around and saw his grandmother standing in the entrance way, the sliding doors ajar.

"What on earth is going on John?"  Her tone revealed her annoyance at the racket.  "You two could wake the dead!" she chided.

Jing Mei blushed as she attempted to smooth her disheveled hair and clothes.  "I'm sorry if we woke you Mrs. Carter."  She glared at John, silently urging him to apologize alongside her.

John rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out.  He got up from the couch and walked over to his grandmother.  "Gamma, it wasn't anything.  We were just playing around."

His grandmother looked at him sternly and pursed her lips.  "Playing?  At your age John, really now," she huffed.  "I thought I taught you better."

Before John could say word, the tough-as-nails widow slowly turned her back to them and hobbled back up the stairs.  John looked back at Deb and made a face, knowing very well, he would hear about it after she had left.

"I saw that John Truman Carter," Gamma called from the top of the stairs.

John slid the doors closed and tried to stifle his amusement at Gamma's short lecture.  "Good thing she never saw me tickling you, or she would have had a heart attack!" he joked.

Jing Mei shook her head at John's disregard for his grandmother's warning.  "You're bad," she chuckled, getting up from the couch and straightening the cushions and clearing the plates and napkins from the coffee table.

John took the plates from Deb and set them down on the table, along with the pizza box.  "You don't have to clean up, Deb."  She was always so conscious over his grandmother, it made John sometimes want to shake her.

"I just don't want your grandmother to get more upset than she is," Jing Mei explained.

"She'll get over it," he said dimissively.  "Gamma probably won't remember it in the morning."

Jing Mei eyed him skeptically, resting her hands on her hips.  She knew his grandmother better than that; even if she was getting older, she had her wits about her.

John smiled crookedly and sighed.  "Okay, maybe she will.  But it doesn't mean you have to jump everytime she comes in the room."

Jing Mei grimaced and nodded in agreement.  "I know," she laughed.  "But you have to admit, she's really got that glare down.  I mean you've lived with it most of your life, so you're used to it.

He always appreciated her sarcastic humor.  Deb always kept him on his toes.  He knew she loved to say things for shock value too; like the time she had mentioned a 'hand job' while he was eating lunch.  It was lucky he didn't choke to death over that one.

"But of course," John exclaimed, playing along.  "How silly of me?"  He rolled his eyes.

Jing Mei glanced at the cloc,k which sat on the mantle of the fireplace.  "It's getting late," she said reluctantly.  "I'd better get going."

"Do you have to work?"

Jing Mei shook her head.  "I don't have to work until the afternoon, but I have a few charts to catch up on before I go in," she explained mournfully.  "Otherwise I wouldn't be mentioning it."

John nodded.  "No problem," he quipped.  Deb walked past him, and he followed behind her.  "I really appreciate your coming by to talk."  He leaned on the door, as she stood in the doorway.

Jing Mei shrugged.  "No big deal.  It's not like I had a _date_ or anything," she said sheepishly.

She couldn't believe she said that.  Actually it amused her.  _The boy didn't have the slightest clue about know how she felt about him at all._

"Night, John."


	21. 21

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty One

*****

….But those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness.

                                                                                 Prov. 14:22

*****

"So how have you been?" Abby asked John, trying to sound casual.

"Fine," John replied curtly.

"Keeping busy?"

John swallowed back the urge to snap at her.  He hated the courtesy of it all.  They had broken up.  Why did they have to pretend that nothing was wrong?  He looked up and shrugged.  "I'm finding things to do."

Abby nodded absent-mindedly.  "Great."  She paused, as there was an awkward silence, and wracked her mind for something witty to say.  But there was nothing.

"I have a patient to see," John said tiredly.

Abby looked up at him and plastered a wide smile on her face.  "Okay," she chirped.  "See ya later."  She raised her hand slightly and gave a half-hearted wave good-bye.

_Oh God._

Abby rolled her eyes at that pathetic display of hidden guilt and remorse.  She knew that breaking up with him was the right thing, but she had no idea why he could make her feel so wretched about it.  Everytime she was around John now, only one two-word phrase came to mind - 'I'm sorry'.

"Abby, you're needed in exam 4?" Haleh bellowed.

Abby nodded and began to make her way to the unknown patient, with, she was sure, a disgusting task for her to clean up.  "Yeah," she sighed, shuffling down the busy hallway.

_What is wrong with me?_

**~~~**

"So what's with Carter and Abby?" Chuny smirked at Susan, subtly pointing at the Chief of Staff and the Head Nurse who had been keeping their distance from one another.

Susan pressed the patient chart in hand, against her chest as she stood in the hallway, quietly studying the stiff, professional manner in which the couple were addressing each other.  Now that she thought about it, Abby and Carter had definitely been giving off tense vibes whenever they were in close proximity to each other.  Even in the trauma rooms their exchanges were short and abrupt.

"I'm not sure," she said coyly.  "But you're definitely right; something's up with those two."  Susan furrowed her brow and spun around in the opposite direction, towards Exam 2.  She closed her eyes and shook her head.  She could not get involved...

Susan exhaled slowly and looked down at her patient chart.  _Complains of dizziness and chest pains_.  As she walked towards her next patient, Susan tried to focus on the diagnosis at hand, but found her thoughts drifting.

_I wonder if Luka knows?_

**~~~**

"So you guys are over now?  Kaput?"

John grimaced, and then glared appreciatively at Susan's sensitive way of labelling his and Abby's break-up.  "I guess you could say that..."

"Wow," Susan breathed.  "I thought you guys would make it." A ponderous expression appeared on her face.  "You guys seemed really solid."

John let out a ragged breath.  "You and me both."  He took another bite of his club sandwich.  "But I think I'll get over it.  I mean, I feel better after talking with Deb about it.  She kept me from freaking out over it more than I could have."

Susan looked intrigued over this information.  "You talked to _Deb_ about this?" she drawled.  "And what _did_ she say about your break-up?"

John frowned as his close colleague and friend leaned in, as if he would be spilling some state secret.  "Not much," he shrugged casually.  "She pretty much told me to suck it up and that it was probably just one of those 'first fights' between a new couple."

Susan raised her eyebrow in askance.  "Has she been hanging around the ER for the past month or so?  In fact, was she not here when you guys got together?"

"What do you mean?"

Susan cleared her throat, appearing hesitant to clarify her previous thought.  "Uh, well...I'm just saying...well, that you guys were already fighting in the beginning."  She popped a rippled chip into her mouth, raising her hand a moment, signalling for him to wait for her to finish.

John rubbed the bottom ledge of his lip, waiting to hear what she had to say.

"Well," she sighed, taking a sip of water from the clear plastic Evian bottle near by.  "You guys never did agree on much.  I mean, you fought about her drinking, which you were right about; but honestly John, I don't think you guys have ever seen eye to eye on anything."

"You're wrong..."  Susan stopped his protest short, looking knowingly at him.  He paused a moment to think back to the beginning of his relationship with Abby.  They did agree on some things...but never on major issues.  John licked his lips.  "I...I guess you could be right," he stammered, stunned at the thought.  John couldn't believe it.

"But if you noticed this, then why didn't you say anything?"

Susan looked at him as if he had just told her that he was a bird or something insane like that.  "Are you nuts?" she cried.  "As if anyone is going to tell you anything about your choice in women."  She shook her head in mournfully.  "You know we don't get involved in messes like _that_.  It wrecks the whole 'co-worker relationship' thing that we've got going here..."

John smiled ruefully at her attempt to lighten the mood.  "Right," he said sarcastically.  "That _completely_ slipped my mind!"

Susan sat back and relaxed, allowing her shoulders to droop while her whole body to slouched in the plastic framed chair.  "Look John," she sighed, waving at him with a chip in hand.  "Sometimes things don't work out the way we plan.  Look at my life. I moved away, expecting to live this wonderful, perfect life...and now where am I?"

John folded his arms across his chest, trying to discern what Susan's point was and how it pertained to his situation.

"The point is...even though I never expected to come back to County - and never wanted to - I did.  Couldn't be helped.  I didn't think I would be happy, but you know what?"  Her blue eyes twinkled.  "It's really not that bad.  I actually think I might even be happy to be back."

"But what does that have to do with me?"

Susan rolled her eyes.  "Look, this break you and Abby are on?  It's happened and nothing is going to change that now."  She leaned in towards John again.  "But...maybe it's something, when you gain some perspective, that you'll come to realize is for the best.  Like I did when I came back to County."

John stared out the cafeteria window, where there were several cars driving by, in their usual hustle and bustle of life.  He blinked a few times, as if it would help him process the advice and perspective his former girlfriend had doled out right then and there, and turned his gaze back towards Susan.  "You maybe right," he smiled half-heartedly.  "But I don't think that whole 'perspective' thing is here yet."

Susan shook her head.  "Oh yeah, of course not," she blurted out.  Then with a sympathetic smile, she squeezed his hand.  "It's going to take time...or the right woman.."

John frowned at her last thought.  He had 'apparently' chosen unsuitable women for himself in the past and he wasn't sure there really was a 'right' woman out there for him.  Especially now, since he was feeling like nothing would ever go right in that department, John was certain he didn't know what 'right was anymore.  If he didn't know now, what made her think that he would _ever_ get it right...

**~~~**

Jing Mei felt like everyone was staring at her as she made her way towards her next patient.  The slight whispers, and odd glances made her feel uncomfortable.  _What could they possibly be talking about?_

She ran through the possibilities and her thoughts always came back to her non-date.  Jing Mei stiffened at the thought that Bobby had announced to her co-workers that she had either done something with him - childish as that would have been - or the truth; she brushed him off for a phone conversation.  This idea irritated her.  Jing Mei knew for a fact that Bobby hadn't stuck around for an explanation, so there was no way he could possibly have known that she blew him off for a night of pizza at John's place.

Jing Mei scowled as she pulled the exam curtain back, revealing her next patient.  She was riled up, unable to shrug off the offence Bobby had charged her with.  In hindsight, she knew that it was a mistake to date the young resident.  The maturity level of male med students and residents was sorely overrated.

_Screw him.  What a jerk!_

Jing Mei suddenly laughed out loud, realizing how absurd she sounded.  She shook her head and groaned.  _Men_.  They were a lot more trouble than they were worth...sort of.

**~~~**

Luka woke up to the warm, mid-afternoon sun showering him in a soft blanket of light.  He groaned as the cheerful rays seeped between his long lashes as he tentatively opened his eyes a bit.  The couch he had sprawled out on after his 12-hour shift, felt lumpy, as it did its best to wake him from his heavy slumber.  Slowly Luka forced himself from his make-shift bed, first sliding one leg off the black couch, and then the other, until he was kneeling beside his coffee table.  He needed caffeine.

**~ * ~**

_Knock knock._

Luka took one last big gulp of coffee before he set down the large coffee mug on his kitchen counter.  He furrowed his brow as he tried to figure out who would possibly stop by during the middle of the day.  Most of his friends...well, what he would call friends, were working at County right now.  "Who is it?" he bellowed, as he ambled over to the industrial steel door.

"Uh it's Stephen?" a familiar male voice replied.

Luka turned the deadbolt, and slid the metal chain from its resting place; when he opened the door a tall Asian man stood in the hallway.  "Hi!"  The inflection in his tone revealed his surprise at Stephen's unexpected visit.  "H-how are you?" he asked, motioning him to enter the studio flat.

"I'm good," Stephen chuckled.  "I hope I'm not bothering you?"  The former patient of County General seemed uncomfortable standing in his apartment.

Luka frowned, dismissing his newest friend's anxiety.  "No.  I've been up for a while," he smiled.  "Just trying to get the internal clock adjusted to another 12 hour shift."  Luka motioned for Stephen to have a seat on the nearby couch.  "Do you want some coffee?  I just brewed some a few minutes ago."

Stephen hobbled over to the couch and sat down.  "Sure, that'd be great," he chirped.  "I...I bet it's busy after that fire last night?"

Luka glanced over his shoulder and saw Stephen flipping through a car magazine.  As he poured the coffee into the mug, Luka sighed.  "Yeah.  It was pretty gruesome."  He set down the coffee pot and cautiously balanced the cup of hot liquid over to the couch, setting the mug carefully on the coffee table without spilling a drop.  "So what's happening with you?" he asked casually, taking another sip of his topped off liquid addiction.

Stephen leaned over and picked up the hot black beverage and gratefully sipped the steaming drink.  Then he rested the mug on his lap and shifted uneasily on the couch.  "Well, uh Jennifer insisted I come over in person to do this," he sighed mournfully.  "But we were wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner at my parents' tomorrow night?"  He raised his brow hopefully.  "I know it's short notice, and I'd totally understand if you had other plans, but Jen and my parents insisted I extend the invitation."

Luka thought about it a moment.  He was reluctant to accept the invitation, knowing that it would most likely be formal and uncomfortable for the most part.  Luka had never met the Chens', and it was an arrangement that he could live with.  He didn't like intruding in other people's lives if it wasn't necessary.

"I...I don't think it would be a great idea," Luka hedged.  "I don't even know your parents and I'm sure they probably would much rather spend time with you than some strange doctor."

Stephen arched one eyebrow and snorted.  "You don't know my parents."  He paused and shrugged.  "I understand your hesitancy, since you don't know my parents at all; but Jen and I will be there, as well as Jing Mei...so you won't be _completely _abandoned."

Luka smiled faintly.  "I've heard stories from Jing Mei though," he joked.  "And I'm not sure you wouldn't be bringing them a new toy to play with, so that they wouldn't be so focused on you."

Stephen seemed to consider that option for a moment and then shook his head.  "Now I would buy that story if the offer was coming from Jing Mei, but Jen and I aren't that cruel...besides, my parents like me!" he laughed.

Luka couldn't help but laugh at his off-kilter sense of humor.  "Will I be the only guest that isn't a part of the family?" he asked suspiciously.

"No," Stephen shook his head.  "They've also invited John."

"And is he bringing Abby?" Luka asked curiously.

Stephen tilted his head and stared oddly at Luka.  "Would that matter?"

Luka suddenly realized what it sounded like - his asking about Abby's attendance - when in fact, he was thinking of _not _attending if Abby arrived on John's arm.  "O-of course not!" he blurted out, trying to sidestep the imminent discussion about Abby and what affect her presence would have on him.

"So does that mean you're coming?" Stephen eyed Luka subtly.  "Because either way, I'm guaranteeing a fun evening of 'Grill the Guest', and maybe even a few hands of poker if the night's still young!" he grinned mischievously.

Luka rubbed his neck uncertainly.  "I don't..."

"C'mon," interrupted Stephen.  "It can't be that bad...I know you're that 'brooding loner type', but a guy's gotta get out of his bachelor apartment sometime?"  He nudged Luka with the magazine that was in his hand.

"All right," Luka breathed, surrendering to Stephen's subtle prodding.  "I'll come.  What time is it at?"

Stephen smiled triumphantly.  "Great.  Uh, I think the girls have said 6:30?"  He pushed himself up from the couch, throwing the magazine onto the coffee table.  "I'll see you tomorrow then," he quipped.

"Great," Luka said drolly, as he walked Stephen to the door.

"The girls will be pleased with me," Stephen muttered out loud.  He turned and glanced wickedly at Luka.  "Maybe I'll even get my favorite dessert tonight, for chasing down another _guest_."

Luka rolled his eyes.  "Keep talking like that and I won't show up," he warned, wagging his finger at the upbeat doctor.

"Too late!" Stephen bellowed, half way down the hallway.

Luka shook his head in disbelief.  _What had he gotten himself into?_


	22. 22

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty Two

*****

My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment,

do not let them out of your sight.

                                                                                                            Prov. 3:21

*****

She began fidgeting with the dessert fork as she sat in between John and Luka.  The invitation her brother had extended to both John and Luka had come up unexpectedly.  In fact, she would almost go as far as to use the word 'sprung'.

Jing Mei snuck a glance at both ER doctors, whom she had gotten to know during her extended stint at County General.  Luka seemed at easy and quite jovial tonight; a rarity, if she knew the man correctly.  And John also seemed comfortable in the relaxed, yet formal gathering.  He was having an interesting conversation with her father about his short voluntary stint in Bosnia.  Dr. Chen had sought to make use of his knowledge on the less fortunate.

It seemed that the only one who was uncomfortable with the situation was her.  She found herself unable to hold a lengthy conversation with the intimate group, who surrounded her.  Underneath she wanted to punch Stephen in the gut for inviting her only hours before the dinner and explaining how their mother and father had invited both John and Luka.  Jing Mei narrowed her eyes and shot her brother a wickedly evil glare; but of course he was immersed with his fiance, Jennifer.

"Jing Mei," Mrs. Chen said, with a hint of disapproval in her voice.  "Is there something in your eye?"

"Why are you squinting like that?"

Horror.  Pure horror was all that flashed before her eyes as all the blood rushed to her face.  Jing Mei coughed uncomfortably as she felt everyone's attentive gaze look expectantly at her.  She glanced briefly at her mother, whose stern gaze was locked upon her daughter.  "Uh no, Mommy."  She plastered a brilliant smile upon her face, flashing it at John and Luka.

"Then stop fidgeting with your dessert fork; sit up straight and join the conversation with our guests."

Jing Mei smiled pleasantly, and nodded.  She closed her eyes, telling herself to calm down.  Her face was probably three shades of crimson from that humiliating reprimand.  She bit the inside of her cheek and prayed that the floor would open up and swallow her now.

Then, suddenly she heard a small snicker.  Jing Mei opened her eyes and saw that Stephen had turned his head away from the table, and his closed hand was pressed against his smiling lips.  She glanced over at her twin brothers, who were also sitting across the table, further to her right - they were also giggling silently.  Now irritation replaced the feeling of embarrassment and her desire to die.

"So, how are you recovering Stephen?" asked a voice to her left.

Jing Mei turned to see John wink at her before turning his attention to Stephen's reply.  She felt herself flush, inadvertantly.  Her gaze remained upon the sweet, sensitive man, whom she never imagined would become such an amazing friend.  His freshly cut hair was brushed neatly back with one stray lock falling across his brow, making strong defined face look almost preppy and boyish.  She found herself immersed in studying each little feature of his face:  His small, dark round eyes suited his face; while his long, yet perky nose brought a rugged look to his boyish grin.

"I'm sure Deb is relieved to have you home too," John smiled charmingly at her.

Jing Mei sat up quickly, turning her attention towards her brother; the warm crimson flood swept over her once again.  Her dessert fork clattered against her empty dinner plate.  "Uh, yes!" she beamed, trying to look non-chalant.  "You have no _idea_ how happy I am that Stephen recovered so quickly."  Her heart was pounding so loudly against her chest that she was certain that everyone could hear it.

"I'm sure that's _exactly_ what she was thinking right now," Stephen drawled.  His tone dripped with a false sincerity.

Jing Mei glared at him.  

Jennifer, who sat to his right, jabbed him gently in the ribs.  He winced and chuckled.  "What?" he exclaimed innocently.

"I'm sure that's what we were _all_ thinking," Dr. Chen agreed, shooting Jing Mei an odd look.

"Well, I'm sure that with a wonderful woman such as Jennifer, he'll have even more incentive to recover," Luka commmented.

"_Of course!_" Stephen declared, wrapping his arms around his blushing bride-to-be and planting a wet kiss on her cheek.

"Speaking of women, Dr. Carter..."

"Please, call me John, Mrs. Chen." 

Jing Mei watched her mother nod slowly and smile graciously at the offer of addressing him in a more personal manner.  "Okay, _John_," she smiled, tilting her head to the side.  "Where is that lovely woman you were escorting to the Art's fundraiser in April?"

Suddenly Jing Mei tensed as everyone's attention turned to John.  "Mommy-aah," she drawled with an Chinese accent, knowing her mother would understand the disapproving tone.  Jing Mei rested her hand on his shoulder.  "John you don't have to answer her question."

Mrs. Chen looked indignantly at her, as if she had said something disrespectful to her.  "I don't see why you are getting so excited Jing Mei.  It's just a simple question.  I'm not interrogating the man."  Jing Mei knew from the glint in her mother's eye that she would be having a _long_ conversation about what she had just done in front of her guests.

But she could not be deterred.  How embarrassing would it be for John to admit...

"No," John shook his head casually.  "It's all right.  I don't mind Deb."

Jing Mei furrowed her brow, gazing uncertainly at John's brave 'face'.  "Really, you don't have..."

John smiled and looked at her mother straight in the eye and said, "We broke up."

Silence fell upon the already quiet room with a deadening blow.

"John, I did not mean to pry," Mrs. Chen stammered.

"No, it's okay.  It was probably for the best."

Jing Mei smiled half-heartedly at John, who seemed to put on a very good front; when she knew that in his heart, he was miserable.  She lowered her eyes and stared down at her hands.  _How could her mother ask such a personal question?  It was such a bad idea._

"Jing Mei has been such a good friend through it."  Her head snapped up at John's compliment.  Jing Mei sighed to herself.  _She really had to stop zoning out like that_.  She looked up at John, rolling her shoulders back and blushing.  "What are friend's for?" she said softly.  Her voice was unexpectedly raspy, as if she was choked up at his compliment.

John smiled back and she felt herself blush again.

_She really had to stop doing that._

~~~

_'We broke up.'_

Luka had come to the Chen's residence, overwhelmed at the opulence that welcomed him as he drove up the driveway.  His hands were sweaty and his collar was slowly choking him as he waited for the door to open into the even more spectacular mansion.  It wasn't the fact that they were rich, beyond his own imagining; but Stephen had never truly answered his question when he invited him to this dinner.  When Stephen had left, Luka realized that he had never gotten a straight answer from the smart-mouthed cripple.

His relief had been immense when Jing Mei, Stephen, and Jen greeted him.  They had led him into a large study, where Drs. Chen were in conversation with Carter.  Nowhere in sight was Abby.  _And now he knew why_.

As the awkwardness was being worked through by Mrs. Chen because of her 'faux pas', he was silently mulling over the reality of what John had said.  "They are not together anymore," he mouthed to himself.

Suddenly he felt a dull jab at his foot from underneath the table.  Luka frowned and scanned the table for the perpetrator.

"Luka, do you want to see the present I've been working on for Jen?"  Stephen raised his eyebrows mischievously.

"What present?" Jennifer squealed happily.

Everyone's attention focused on the happy couple and smiled.

"Stephen."  Mrs. Chen's tone expressed her disapproval.  "We haven't even had the dessert yet."

"We'll be just a second," Stephen pleaded, with puppy dog eyes that a mother could never resist.

Luka glanced over at Mrs. Chen, who let out an exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes, dimissively waving her hand at her oldest son.  "Go!" she said, as the corners of her lips twitched indicating that her son's display of boyish charm had worked.  "But only for a few minutes."

Stephen grinned at Luka and tilted his head towards the hallway.  He swiftly manoveured out of the dining room chair and located his crutches.  Luka followed the tall, Asian doctor as he eftly hobbled out of the dining room with his crutches.

Once they were in the quietness of the dim corridor, Stephen laughed boistrously.  "So are you having _fun_ yet?"  His tone was facetious.

"Oh, definitely."  Luka nodded, rolling his eyes as he matched Stephen's jerky, but steady stride.  "So what's with this present?"

Stephen looked at Luka as if he were trying to decide whether he was seriously asking that question.  "Are you serious?"  The injured man stopped his stride and shook his head.  "You really don't know?"

Luka slowed down and turned around to face him.  "No," he said slowly, shaking his head.  "What are you talking about?"

"Luka...friend...buddy.  You _did_ hear what _I_ heard in that dining room tonight, right?"

"Hear what?"

Stephen hopped closer and stared incredulously at him.  "Uh, John Boy there is no longer _with_ Abby!"  He made quotations with his fingers in the air.

"What does that have to do with Jennifer's present?"  Luka was completely baffled at where Stephen was going.

Stephen rubbed his eyes tiredly, as if he struggled to find the right words to make him understand what he was getting at.  "Dude, I saw you mouth the words in the dining room.  You were so _freakin'_ at the idea.  Of course, probably in a good way, huh?"  He smiled wickedly.

Luka frowned.  "So there's no present?"

Stephen let his head loll backward.  "Duh!"

"But why did you want to drag me out of the dinner?"

"Because, I'm sure you wanted an 'out' to figure out how you feel about this," Stephen explained simplistically.  "Because, you _were_ sitting there like someone had struck you dumb."  He stifled a smile.  "It was kind of funny."

Luka ran his fingers through his hair.  "Really?"  He raised his eyebrows curiously.

"Yeah."  Stephen shook his head shamelessly while he grinned.  "I was going to let it go on, for entertainment's sake," he smirked.  "But Jen told me to take you out here."  He laughed.

"Great," Luka smiled half-heartedly.  "I _appreciate _the _support_."

"Hey guy, I'm here for ya now, man."  He tried to keep a straight face, but broke down again.

"Well, thanks for the help, but I think I can handle the 'news'," Luka sighed.  He really didn't have a clue what he was feeling.  He was still in shock.  This news came out of nowhere.

Stephen seemed to be trying to calm himself, wiping away the tears of laughter.  "But really Luka," he said with a straight face.  "Isn't this a great opportunity?"

Luka began to walk back towards the dining room, with Stephen trailing closely behind.  "Opportunity for what?"

"You are so obviously hooked on this girl, why don't you go after her?"  Stephen nudged him with his elbow.

Luka frowned.  _Could he possibly even entertain such a thought?_  It seemed too much.  Everyone seemed to be pressing him on this matter.  He was just finding his grasp on the fact that he could let go of the love of his life, Daniella.  _Was he ready to face up to the fact that he could be in love with Abby?_

"I don't know," he sighed, as they approached the entranceway of the dining room.  "I...I'll think about it."

Stephen shrugged hopefully as they stood in the doorway of the dining room.  Both he and Stephen took a deep breath and plastered on a smile for the masses.

"Stephen, finally," Mrs. Chen said impatiently.  "Sit down so dessert can be served."

~~~

"I'm glad you're approving of the decision I made."  Abby rolled her eyes back and sighed.  She sipped the bitter black liquid that steamed from the low-grade styrofoam cup.  The AA meeting had been a last minute stop-through.

"I told you that I didn't think getting into a relationship so soon after your relapse wasn't a good idea," Derek shrugged casually, as he slung back the last of his coffee.  "I'm not trying to lecture you..."

"Yeah, I can _tell_."

Abby was tired and kind of lost in the whole whirlwind that had become her life.  She asked Derek to come over earlier that evening when she felt that familiar urge to head towards the nearest bar.  She knew that she needed some grounding, which was not happening in her life.

"Don't be so defensive," Derek said empathetically. "At least you had the sense to break it off."

"It's just...."  Abby closed her eyes and rested her head back against the couch.  "How many times can I fail at something?"

Her family was a dysfunctional mess.  She married to young and divorced even quicker.  Her attempt at a career was foiled by her ex-husband; she almost had complete breakdown when her mother showed up in town, and to top it off, she had just had two more failed attempts at a relationship.

Abby felt a strong arm pull her in close, and the warmth of her sponsor's body acted like a safety blanket, which allowed her to surrender to the turmoil that was just about to overwhelm her.  She just couldn't keep up her facade anymore.  And right now, she didn't have to.

The tears flowed freely as she hid her face in Derek's chest.  She felt a lump lodging in her throat as she choked out the months of emotional baggage that had built up.  Her insecurities were well hidden.  She never allowed anyone to see her vulnerable - not anyone close, that is - because it meant having to explain and letting someone in.  And that was something she hadn't let happen since facing the reality that was 'Maggie'.

It was easier that way.

"You're not a failure, Abby."  Derek gently pulled away and gazed seriously at her.  "You are an amazing woman; having gone through the hell you have, you deserve a medal or something."

Abby looked doubtfully at him.

"No really, Abby."  He reached behind him and grabbed a tissue from the end table.  "We're all human.  We make mistakes.  Don't kill yourself over it."

"Are you going to start quoting the 'Serenity Prayer' to me now?" she said wryly, while dabbing at her tear-stained cheeks.

Derek smirked.  "Maybe.  If it would help."  He laughed.

"Well, don't.  I don't think I'm ready for the AA mantras."

Abby sat up and leaned her head back, sniffling, trying to regain some composure.  "So what now?" she asked softly.  The question wasn't specifically addressed towards Derek, or even to herself.  It just needed to be asked.

Derek seemed to understand and was not quick to respond.

Abby took a deep breath and realized she had completely zoned out.  She glanced over at Derek in embarrassment.  "I'm sorry.  I just kind of got lost in thought..."

Derek shook his head, understandably.  "No problem."  He glanced at his watch.  "I probably should get going anyway.  The wife hates when I'm late for our late night flick."

Abby smiled, as she rose from the couch, extending her hand towards her sponsor.  "Thanks.  I really appreciate the listening ear."  
  


Derek shrugged.  "Hey, that's what I'm here for."  She walked behind him as he headed to the door.  "Don't _ever_ hesitate to phone me if you feel like this again."

Abby locked gazes with him and nodded.  "Yeah.  I know."

Derek reached out and rubbed her shoulder.  "You just need a little time to figure out what you want Abby.  And don't forget we have Someone who will always listen."  His eyes darted up towards the ceiling.

"What?  The elderly couple upstairs?" she joked, half-heartedly.  Her eyes drooped.  She was tired and drained.

Derek chuckled.  "Them...and the 'Big Guy'."

Abby swallowed the lump that remained from her earlier emotional breakdown.  "Maybe."

Derek furrowed his brow and looked seriously at her.  "We can't get through this alone - and humans are fallible.  There's only one Guy who isn't.  I may make a mistake and have bad advice from time to time, but He won't."

Abby shifted her weight from side to side, feeling a little bit uncomfortable.  God wasn't something she really wanted to think about, not when there were a million other things she had to figure out.  "I guess," she replied distantly.

"I've been through a lot," Derek nodded, as he slowly backed out of her apartment.  "And until I admitted that I wasn't in control and let Him be in control - I was just another on again, off again drunk."

"He gives us the strength not to take that next beer or shot.  We _know_ we're not that self-controlled; we've proven that time and time again, Abby."

Abby bit the inside of her cheek and nodded emphatically.  "I'll think about it, Derek.  Really."  She leaned against the door, resting her head against the solid mass.

Derek nodded.  He crinkled his nose, causing his eyes to squint.  "I got a little preachy, didn't I?" he asked apologetically.  "I sound like _my_ sponsor!"  He laughed.

Abby waved good bye and closed the door behind her, resting against the smooth surface.  _No men.  It shouldn't be a problem._  Abby furrowed her brow.  She would just have to keep her mind on work and other things.  Abby rubbed the back of her neck and sighed.  

_Who was she kidding?_

Abby strode towards her bedroom.  She shook her head and steeled herself to the doubts that were already forming in her subconscious.  

_No.  She could do this.  She had to._

_If she was ever going to be happy, she had to be happy with herself._


	23. 23

****

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty Three

*****

...you are snared by the utterance of your lips, 

caught by the utterance of your lips.

- Prov. 6:2

*****

Luka wondered if everyone had noticed his inability to tear his gaze away from Abby whenever they were both present in the same room. Today was his first shift with Abby since he found out that she had broken it off with John. He had waffled back and forth the entire afternoon about whether it was an option to ask why. In the end, he had decided he could wait until she brought it up.

The day had been pretty busy though, so it wasn't as if he was bogged down with free time to think about Abby in a 'swooning-teenage boy' kind of way. Luka had been very appreciative of the compounding files that towered in front of him, excusing him from any lame reason to speak with anyone on staff, especially Susan.

"Luka!" Susan chirped, as she stuck her head in the darkened trauma room, with the exception of a lone overhead lamp.

"Hey," he replied, without raising his head, hoping she would take a hint.

"Aw, you're not going to get rid of me that easily." The dirty-blonde ER doctor slipped into the room, allowing the hinged door to swing rhythmically behind her. "You know you've been avoiding people all day. Have a bad night?" she asked worriedly.

Luka closed his eyes and shook his head reluctantly. "No." He looked up to see her sincere azure eyes gaze concernedly at him. "I just have a lot of paperwork to do." He gestured to the several different piles of charts which surrounded him.

Susan frowned; her gaze narrowed, as if she were debating whether he was telling her the truth. "Oh," she said, accepting his lame excuse reluctantly. "Well, I could make it look better with a few drinks at Excalibur?"

Excalibur? "What does a sword from a Welsh myth have to do with anything?" he asked, completely confused. The name was familiar and he had heard of the legend of King Arthur…

Susan bent over and chuckled. "It's a club, Luka," she explained with a twinkle in her eye. "I thought we'd take that snazzy car, out for a ride. We can't just have it sitting out there all by itself!" 

Luka leaned to the side as Susan nudged him with her hip. "Oh." He groaned slightly. "I don't know if I'm up to a club tonight. Besides, I don't really like that kind of thing."

"Like what 'kind' of thing?" Abby asked as she slipped into the trauma room to replenish the supply of surgical trays, overhearing a part of the conversation. Kneeling, she carefully stacked the sterilized kits into the lower cabinet.  
"Abby," Luka breathed, startled by her sudden appearance. He hadn't even seen her approaching. 

Susan smiled wickedly. "Abbby! Girlfriend…"

Abby didn't even need to see Susan's face to know that some wild idea was being concocted in that little mind of hers. She shook her head, as she finished putting the last of the intubation tubes away, and chuckled. "No." It was a safe answer. As she turned around and pushed herself to her feet, Abby found herself standing in front of a positively giddy Susan Lewis. 

"C'mon Abby, you gotta come. You have to help me convince Luka that a night out is exactly what he needs!"

Abby glanced over Susan's shoulder to see Luka's grave face; his expression more clouded than she'd seen before. She frowned. She really had no desire to go out to a club tonight, especially after her near 'slip' last night. "I don't know," Abby said hesitantly. "What does Luka want?"

Susan interrupted before Luka could answer. "Of course he does! He's just a little slow getting motivated…" 

Luka couldn't believe her. He was a little uncertain and she drags Abby into the fray. Susan really used what she knew to her advantage. He glanced subtly over at Abby. Not that it didn't work.

"You really don't have to come, Abby," he said dismissively. "Really. I know you probably are tired from your double-shift two nights ago and then getting called in again today…"

Abby folded her arms across her chest, as her gaze darted between a pleading Susan and a stoic Luka. She wasn't sure if he was just being enigmatic or whether he really preferred that she not come. As Abby debated back and forth whether she should go, Susan grabbed her bicep and dragged her roughly, out of the trauma room.

"Excuse us for a second," Susan sang.

"Hey," Abby exclaimed, squirming out of the unusually strong grip of the 40-ish doc. "Will you let go of me?" She stared at Susan with unusual alarm.

"I'm sorry," Susan apologized, raising her hand in surrender. "I just think it would be a good idea for us to help a guy out."

Abby was completely lost. Luka was stoic and sometimes even morose, but nothing in Luka's behavior today, suggested anything else except that he was being his regular withdrawn self. "What are you talking about?"

Susan paused a moment, as if she had lost her train of thought. "Uh…well," she hedged. "Luka's been in the dumps lately." Her words tumbled out quickly, as if she was afraid she wouldn't get them out.

"He seems fine," Abby shrugged, watching Luka through the door windows, who was preoccupied with charts again. Susan's expression seemed more serious and concerned. She leaned in, causing Abby to follow suit. 

"Can I tell you something?" she whispered.

"What?" Abby arched her brow skeptically.

"Luka is so head over heels in love with you, that he doesn't even know it."

Abby shook her head. This was not something she needed or wanted to hear right now. Derek was so firm in his confidence that this was time she needed alone, and hearing that Luka was head over heels for her left her head in a tailspin.

"Abby?" Susan touched her forearm gently. "Are you all right?" Her expression revealed a hint of regret at her boisterous admission, which was not hers to reveal.

Her gaze was fixed on Luka, who had briefly looked up from his work and smiled demurely at her. It made her heart flutter. "Abby." 

"Huh?" She shook her head and realized Susan had her shoulders gripped tightly, and was shaking her. "What?" Abby exclaimed, distractedly.

"You were zoning out there." Susan glanced over her shoulder at Luka. "If I've screwed this up, then please tell me. Luka would kill me if he found out what I told you." Her eyes looked at her, questioningly with dark, brown, puppy dog eyes. "Did I open my big mouth when I shouldn't have?"

Abby knew Susan hadn't meant to hurt anyone, but the revelation was anything except unexpected. But she had no desire to make Susan feel horrible for wanting to help out Luka, who wouldn't express his feelings about anything if his life depended on it, frustrating as it may be. She sighed loudly, all the while staring at the oblivious, Croatian doctor in Trauma 2. Who was she kidding? She was exactly the same way.

Susan seemed to be anxiously waiting for reassurance that she hadn't damaged her relationship with Abby.

She shook her head. "No. You're fine. We'll forget what you said, okay?"

"So I guess that means tonight's a no go, huh?"

"What's a no go?" Luka asked, sticking his head out from behind the trauma door. His curiosity had gotten the better of him. The furtive glances he kept getting from his two ER co-workers made him nervous. It was obviously about him.

"Uh, nothing!" Abby chirped, jumping at the unexpected interruption. "We're just talking about tonight."

Luka frowned. "You're not going?" His spirits rose, in part, at the thought; but deep down, he knew he had begun to look forward to a night out with Susan and Abby.

He had kept his voice level so Abby was unable to read whether he was disappointed or relieved. She really couldn't go on Susan's biased observations. Abby rubbed her brow with her index finger, uncertain of her answer. "Uhhhh…"

Luka's mind was racing. Should he seem non-chalant about the whole thing? Or should he urge her to go?

"Well, Abby, if you don't want to go…" Susan said hesitantly.

Luka turned a curious eye to Susan's sudden change of tune. "Do you already have plans?" he asked Abby, curiously.

Abby looked blankly at Luka. "What?"

"Do you have plans?" Luka repeated, chuckling at Abby's also unusual behavior. Glancing between the two women, he was certain something had happened while he was whittling down the pile of charts.

Abby thought about her evening and frowned. "Uh, no," she replied, biting her thumbnail distractedly.

"Well then come. I have a feeling that Susan's been to this place before and I don't want to be left alone when she ditches me from some handsome stranger," Luka teased, winking at Susan, who gaze seemed intent on Abby's reply.

"I...." Her voice trailed off.

Luka was certain she was going to decline his offer, which he could understand. It wasn't as if he was just some co-worker – they had dated – and he had managed to make her uncomfortable by admitting his partial feelings for her. What did he expect?

"Yeah. I'll come," Abby blurted out. As soon as she said those words, she clamped her mouth shut. What had possessed her?

'Well, you're not going to be alone with him,' a voice reasoned in her head.

Abby closed her eyes and shook her head. Slowly she glanced up at Luka and Susan who were staring at her strange behavior. Plastering a smile on her face, she shook her head again and sighed. "I gotta go, I've still go to do inventory." Brusquely she excused herself and headed down the corridor.

"What was that?" Susan laughed, with a perplexed look on her face.

Luka narrowed his eyes and gazed intently at Susan. "You tell me," he said suspiciously. "You two were out here a long time. What were you talking about?"

Susan plastered a smile on her face and shook her head fervently. "Nothing." With that she spun around and muttered, "I've got a patient," as she walked towards the nurses' station, in the west end of the hospital.

****

~~~

"Dr. Chen!" Jing Mei spun around to see Stephen hobbling through the main entrance of Mercy Hospital. A chorus of staff greeted Stephen with much enthusiasm. Jing Mei was pleased at the warm welcome. It had been the first time Stephen had stepped foot in Mercy since the accident. He had spent so much time at County because Stephen had seemed to prefer Kareah's intense therapy regime. 

"Hey, if I had known it took a car accident to get this kind of attention from my co-workers, I'd have done it sooner," he joked, enjoying the clamor of hugs and kisses.

"What are you doing here?" Jing Mei asked curiously. He hadn't mentioned anything to her last night about a visit.

The tall pediatric surgeon grinned mischievously. "I thought my sister would like to go for lunch with her poor brother." His confident expression melted into the soft round woeful brown eyes, like he'd suddenly reverted into a five-year old child.

"I've got rounds in a couple of minutes, but you can accompany me while I run up to Radiology to find out some results?"

"You don't get lunch around here anymore?" he said in a loud boisterous voice.

Jing Mei nudged her brother with her elbow. "I've got an appointment for lunch," she whispered, embarrassed by her brother's nonchalant attitude. "So take it or leave it."

Stephen sighed, yet seemed satisfied with her offer. "Okay." He turned to his uniform-clad groupies and winked. "I'll catch you ladies when I come back in two weeks."

JIng Mei rolled her eyes. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the young nurses twitter amongst each other - no doubt giggling and blushing at how the up-and-coming ped's surgeon had flirted with them. "You're pathetic, you know that?" she chided, as she pressed the smooth plastic button. Stephen grinned as he leaned up against the sterile white wall as they waited for the elevator.

"What?" he exclaimed, feigning complete exculpablity.

"You're terrible with the nurses." Jing Mei chuckled as the elevator door opened and they stepped into the wood-lined compartment. "You let them _fawn_ all over you," she huffed. "What would Jen think?"

Stephen laughed heartily. "You really think that Jen's worried about those women out there?" he motioned to the nurses outside the closing doors. "Then you don't know Jen." He winked at her and nudged her with his hip.

Jing Mei tried to keep a straight face, but Stephen always managed to bring a smile to her face. She sighed, giving into his obvious attempt to lighten her 'feigned' dismay. "So what did you need to talk to me about?"

Stephen shrugged. "Nothing big." There was a slight pause.

Jing Mei knew something was up.

"What?" she asked ruefully.

Stephen furrowed his brow and lifted his shoulders, as if he had no idea why she was apprehensive. "It's nothing," he drawled innocently. "I just wanted to check on you and..." _She knew it_. "Apologize for springing that on you." He exhaled loudly, as if relieved to finally get that off his chest.

Jing Mei looked up at Stephen skeptically. He'd never apologized to her in the entirety of their relationship. Even when he had snuck into her bedroom when she was seven and took a pair of scissors and lopped off the length of her floor length hair. "What is this?" She spun around, searching for hidden cameras. "Is it the drugs or are you playing some prank?"

Stephen furrowed his brow in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You've _never_ apologized to me, Stephen. Ever. So I _know_ something's up." Jing Mei folded her arms across her chest, arching one eyebrow and gazing intently at her brother. "So spill."

Stephen rolled his eyes. "Well, Jen found out..."

Jing Mei's mouth opened wide as she realized what he was about to say. "Ohhhhh, don't tell me," she laughed out loud, slapping her hand on her knee. "Jen sent you here." Jing Mei could feel the tears rolling down her cheeks. "You...are...so......whipped!" She managed the words in between breaths.

They continued their conversation, as the elevator door opened and Jing Mei located radiology. Stephen seemed unamused himself, now; his once boyish grin wiped off his face, replaced by a little boy's pout. As Jing Mei exited the radiology lab, she joined Stephen who had met a friend in the corridor of the hospital. "So as I was saying..."

"Hey," Stephen growled. "I still have stories about you..."

Jing Mei studied her brother, who seemed to be in a good mood, but unwilling to be called 'whipped' one more time. "What stories?" she said dubiously.

"Fun ones," he teased, as his eyes gleamed wickedly. "You know the standard, 'Jing Mei used to run around naked when she was three...that kind of thing."

Jing Mei furrowed her brow, trying to recall if any of what he was saying could be true. Stephen seemed to realize this because he jumped in again, saying, "Oh, it's true." She turned and looked him straight in the eyes, trying to search out any twitchy tell-tale sign of a lie. _There was none_. 

They stepped into the elevator once more. She remained silent for a moment before turning to him gruffly. "Fine," she huffed. "But you better _never_ breath a word of this to anyone." She stood on her tip toes and pointed a dangerous index finger at her brother, while giving him an evil glare.

Stephen did not seemed the least bit worried. He shrugged casually and chuckled. "We'll see."

Jing Mei hit her brother on the shoulder and folded her arms across her chest dejectedly. "I'm warning you," she repeated darkly, just as the door opened and they stepped off the elevator.

"Dr. Chen!" Kat, a 22 year old nurse, beckoned from the nurses' station.

Jing Mei was surprised when she realized they were calling her over and not her brother. There was a small group amassed around one area, beside the station. "What's with that?" Stephen asked curiously.

"I have no idea."

The group of nurses parted and a tall casually dressed man stepped from behind them.

"John!" Jing Mei smiled, as she greeted him with a hug. As they parted, John nodded his head in Stephen's direction.

"John, what are you doing here?" Stephen asked suspiciously.

"Good to see you too," John joked, reaching out and shaking his hand.

Jing Mei noticed Stephen's expression was one of complete surprise. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. As much as her brother teased her about John, he was still as protective as ever. "John, you're early." Stephen's attention snapped to her, when she said that.

"You were expecting him?"

Jing Mei glanced up at her older brother and smiled innocently. "Yeah," she said slowly, as if she was surprised at his 'surprise'. "We're going for lunch."

"Lunch," Stephen said slowly, as if mulling over the idea in his mind.

"Yeah," John chirped. "Did you want to come?"

Jing Mei grinned wryly as Stephen seemed speechless. "Yeah, Stephen, do you want to come with _us_?" She was getting a kick at watching her brother realize that her 'appointment' was with John. 

__

She was, in fact, _not_ a miserable spinster lady that needed to be taken care of.

Jing Mei swallowed hard. She knew it wasn't completely a far gone assumption, since she hadn't had a serious relationship since...well, she couldn't even recall when. Her whole focus had always been medicine and then she was off trying to _discover_ herself after killing that one patient; it was only now after several set backs at County and her move to Mercy, that she was finally feeling comfortable even thinking about dating anyone seriously. But her prospects weren't too bright. Besides John, she hadn't even come close to finding a possible 'Prince Charming'.

Stephen shook his head and took a step back. "No. It's all right. Jen's got lunch waiting for me at the apartment. I was only supposed to come and do my little 'thing', and come straight home," he explained slowly, as if trying to quote from memory. "You guys go ahead."

"Are you sure?" John asked hesitantly. "Because we'd love for you to come."

Jing Mei waited for her brother's reply. His eyes remained intently on hers, and she was careful not to give any indication of what her preference might be. She _had _been looking forward to lunch with John alone, but it wasn't going to ruin her plans if Stephen decided to join them.

Stephen shrugged. "Nah. I'd better not," he protested. "Jen said I was only allowed to run this one errand and then it was back for some bedrest."

"But you're doing okay, right?" John asked tentatively.

Jing Mei smiled. "Yeah, he's doing great." She patted her brother on his forearm. "Stephen's coming back to work in two weeks."

John seemed surprised at the news. "Really? _That_ soon, huh?" He nodded approvingly. "That's great!"

Stephen smiled. "It's only paperwork and consults, but still...it'll be good to be getting back to work again."

Jing Mei watched her brother's face relax while talking a little more about his return to Mercy. She never thought she'd see this day come when he was rolled into County by the EMTs. Now he was going to be back at work...with her.

"Well, we'd better get going," John smiled. "I'm sure your lunch hours here, are still as short as ours are at County."

Jing Mei nodded. "Yeah. Just a sec." She turned to kiss her brother on the cheek, and then let the nurses know that she was taking off for lunch - not that they hadn't overheard the entire conversation. "I'll see you tonight maybe?" Jing Mei said.

"Yeah." 

Jing Mei felt John's arm escort her towards the exit, but as they stepped out into the cool breeze of the welcoming Fall, she turned to see Stephen smile and wave from the main entrance of the hospital. She glanced up at John, who was looking straight ahead and smiled. _How did things turn around so fast?_

"Are you hungry?" John asked casually.

Jing Mei grinned. "Starving."


	24. 24

****

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty Four

*****

What has been is what will be, 

and what has been done is what will be done;

there is nothing new under the sun.

- Ecc. 1:8

*****

So you have to be getting back?" John asked, setting his napkin on the table. Deb nodded with a wry expression on her face. "Yeah. It's a job," she chuckled.

"Well I'm glad you could come out for lunch." John sat back and studied his longtime rival and friend; she seemed content, even happy at Mercy. He was glad that she had found a place where she felt comfortable and confident, but he would be lying if he didn't admit that he missed their brief passing banter, and having her there when he needed her.

John hated having to make appointments just to be able to have inane conversation with Deb.

"What are you thinking?"

John jerked his head back and met her curious gaze that twinkled as she smiled, which was more of a smirk. "Hmmm?"

"You're hanging around me too much," she teased. "You're picking up my bad habits."

John chuckled as he shook his head. "Sorry."

"Thinking about Abby?"

The question brought their sharp, but cheerful banter to a halt. He tensed a bit at her name, yet he didn't feel the pangs of anger or torment that he would have expected. Licking his lips distractedly, John shrugged self-consciously. Actually he was surprised at her assumption. It was a logical one, but funny enough, he had been enjoying their lunch without having to mull over what he could have done differently with Abby in their relationship or how he could have changed her mind.

"No.," he answered truthfully.

Deb's brow furrowed slightly before she nodded casually and smiled. "Oh, sorry."

It was then he noticed the tension in_ her_ body. The slim, tanned Asian doctor seemed unusually on edge. And looking back, John seemed to notice it when she mentioned Abby's name. He frowned. _Why did the thought of Deb believing that he was obsessing over Abby irk him so much?_

"Really, I wasn't."

Deb shrugged. "That's okay if you were, John. I mean, it's only been a couple of weeks."

John threw his hands up in the air dramatically and rolled his eyes. "_I wasn't!_"

Deb arched one eyebrow at the melodramatics as a slight smirk began to creep over her face. "Of course," she said with a trace of humorous skepticism.

"If you want to know what I was thinking about, I'll tell you," he exclaimed, a little exasperated. Deb nodded while the smile on her face remained firmly in place, as if playing along with a excitable child. "I was thinking about you and how much I appreciate you being there through the rough spot I've been going through." He exhaled loudly, flinging himself back into his seat. "See? No Abby."

Silence filled the air as he watched Deb sit with a stunned expression on her face; her ruby lips rounded into an unexpected 'oh'.

John folded his arms across his chest, unsure of where to go next with this conversation. "Uh...so do you need a _ride_ back?" He felt a thick cloud of tension settle upon their table. It was something that never usually happened. They were always at ease when they were with each other. John wasn't sure that it was actually happening though, it could have been his imagination.

Deb shook her head and smiled softly. "Uh, no." She wiped the corner of her lips with her linen napkin and placed it carefully on the table. "I actually have a couple of errands downtown before I head back to the ER."

John nodded absentmindedly as he watched her grab her jacket, which was resting on the back of her chair, and purse in preparation for what seemed to be a quick escape. _Stop imagining things._ John shook his head and smiled. "Sure." He tried to pretend that he didn't feel suddenly uncomfortable sitting there, while she was getting ready to leave. Deb slipped on her jacket and slid her chair under the table. When she reached to grab the check, John placed his hand firmly onto the thin padded booklet, which held the thin slip of paper that detailed their meal. "I've got it," he smiled.

Deb nodded demurely and returned the smile. "O-kay." She arched one brow as if he were overreacting to the attempt to pay for lunch. "I'll...I'll talk to you _later_?"

John nodded and waved his hand at her, signalling for her to go without feeling like she was leaving him alone. Deb stutter-stepped before finally waving goodbye and walking through the maze of tables and out of sight. _What was wrong with him_? He turned his gaze towards the usually dark and grey city, clouded by the smog of pollution; but today the sun's rays seemed to pierce the thinly rounded wisps of grey and enlighten the skyline with a startling vision of the city's man-made architecture. Frowning slightly, John rested his elbow against the armrest and stareed into the bustling city.

__

He had been thinking about her.

****

~~~

"I was thinking about you..."

The words made her heart leap. Jing Mei was suprised she hadn't given her feelings away right then and there. _No. No you weren't going to do this!_ Letting out a frustrated sigh, Jing Mei ran through every reason she had come up with over the past few years why it was _insanity_ to even consider having a relationship with John. It could never work...

She would end up alone and without her best friend. Jing Mei couldn't do it, she just couldn't.

****

~~~

The intense pulse of the bass pounded against his body, it felt as if it were coming from within. He had arrived with Susan while Abby had told them that she may be a few minutes late. Luka checked his watch. 7:48 p.m. They had already been here 28 minutes. He sighed. The loud music and the young teenagers trying to pass themselves off as mature women were getting to be a little trying.

Luka peered out onto the dance floor, where Susan was dancing carefree with a tall, muscular blonde who had picked her up immediately, from almost the time they walked into the club and came to the bar for a drink. Susan politely rejected his advances, but Luka could tell she was itching to get onto the dance floor; and while he did not intend on dancing tonight, he did not want Susan to miss out on the chance. It took a few words of reassurance that he would be all right at the bar, but she finally agreed and allowed 'Jerry' to lead her out onto the dance floor. Meanwhile he was having a _fabulous_ time sipping on his second scotch on the rocks. The warm burn that slowly iched its way down his throat sent a shiver down his body as he leaned casually against the clear flowing neon bar. Or at least he thought that had been the reason.

She stood nervously at the top of the staircase, fidgeting with her long, straight, chestnut hair - tucking it several times behind her ear, even though it didn't need it. Glancing briefly down the length of her body, Luka admired the sleek black dress that clung neatly against her petite body, in all the right places. Her eyes darted across the room, as if in search of something.

Luka swallowed hard, not feeling the burn of the last gulp of scotch, as he set down the glass tumbler onto the bar, losing sight of Abby in the crowd. Everytime he saw her, he could have sworn that she was a figment of his imagination. Abby was a vision, in the black evening dress or in her green scrubs.

"Luka." He heard her raspy voice greet him, as she joined him at the bar. Her eyes told a tale of the long day that she had encountered. "I hope I didn't keep you guys waiting." She peered around him, as if looking for someone.

"Where's Susan?"

Luka smirked and lazily pointed to the dance floor, where Susan, who was now dancing with a new partner, spotted Abby and waved. "She's a popular gal," he chuckled dryly. "Can I get you a drink?"

Abby felt uneasy in the overwhelming, unceasing stream of icomprehensible music that pounded in her ears, as she surveyed the crowed bar of teenagers and early twenty-somethings. "Um, a Coke, I guess," she replied, louder than her normal speaking voice. She smiled gratefully at Luka, who took on the task of getting the distracted bartender's attention.

"You look great," Luka yelled over the music.

Abby frowned. "What?" She touched her ear, signalling to Luka that she hadn't heard what he had said.

Luka smiled sheepishly and leaned over, his lips accidentally brushing against her ear. "You look great," he repeated, without yelling into her ear.

Abby felt her face flush at the compliment. "Thanks." She turned towards him and smiled. The bartender slid their drinks towards them and Abby casually gripped the slow moving beverage in her hand. "You too," she yelled, pointing at his usual dark outfit, which consisted of a black button-up shirt, rolled up at the sleeves and a pair of pricey black dress pants.

Luka always looked good though; he could make a pair of sweats look good.

"Do you want to find a table?" Luka gestured to the booths across the room. It was a few feet away from the dance floor, but it seemed a little more condusive to talking.

Abby looked over to where he was pointing and nodded. She felt the warmth of his palm press against the small of her back and allowed him to guide her towards an empty booth. There were a couple of stray glasses, which Luka moved to the table behind them. As she slid into the booth, careful not to spill her drink; Luka slid into the seat across from her. The lighting was dim, but even in the darkness, she could feel Luka's eyes on her. "So how come you're not on the dance floor with Susan?"

Luka shrugged. "Not a dancer," he replied. Glancing out into the crowded room, Luka felt old. He had no desire to jump up and down, as the was the style of dancing nowadays. He rolled his glass inbetween the palms of his hands.

Abby laughed knowingly. "Yeah, I'm not sure bumping into sweaty people on a crowded dance floor is my idea of dancing either." She nodded. 

Luka watched her over the rim of his glass,; this time it was just club soda. He couldn't get wrecked tonight since he was the driver.

"So..." Abby found herself at a loss for words as she stared across the table from a man, whom she had shared more intimate moments with, yet was unable to hold a solid conversation. _She wondered why that was_...

"Uh, so do you have to work..." Before Luka finished the sentence, Abby cut him off.

"I don't want to talk about work when I'm not there," Abby groaned, as she twirled a bright red straw between her index and thumb. She leaned forward, causing her long hair to fall into her eyes. 

Luka let out a deep breath. He didn't know what to talk to her about if not work. Since his recent discovery about her break up with John, there was nothing else he could think of. Part of him just wanted to ask her bluntly whether she still had feelings for the 'favorite doctor' at County and whether he might have been part of the reason why they split up. Instead, he sat back and allowed the deafening thumping rhythm of the sound system swallow up any other attempt at a conversation.

Abby bit her lip, knowing that Luka must have taken her refusal to speak about work as a sign that she didn't want to talk to him. She closed her eyes and silently kicked herself for her inept ability to be more diplmatic or senstive about how she worded things. Swallowing hard, she glanced over to the area where she had last seen Susan dancing, but she was nowhere in sight. Abby wished she would get tired and dance her way over to the table and end this awkward silence. However, she spotted the dirty blonde doctor at the bar, with one of her dance partners and seemed to be content to stay there and chat.

Smiling uncomfortably, she lifted the glass up to her lips, capturing the straw in her mouth and sipping slowly. 

'_You have to say something,_' _a voice urged_.

Can't.

'_Well you're gonna look pretty stupid just sitting here the entire night sipping on a drink that will only give you an excuse not to talk to the man for another few minutes.'_

Abby groaned inwardly. She didn't want to talk, and by the expression on Luka's face, he didn't quite seem in the mood to talk now either. _What to do...what to do._

"Dance!"

Luka jumped at Abby's sudden outburst. He tilted his head slightly and stared curiously at the woman, who seemed content to sit there all night and nurse her Coke.

"What?" he asked, his voice croaking a bit.

"Dance." Abby motioned with a tilt of her head towards the dance floor. "Let's dance."

Luka laughed. "No," he said, sliding back into the comfort of his leather booth. "I don't dance."

Abby rolled her eyes. "Sure you do," she protested, sliding out from under the table and smoothing the wrinkles in her skirt from sitting down. With an outstretched arm, Abby waited patiently for Luka to accept her invitation. She didn't dance much, but it beat just sitting around while everyone else had fun in the place.

Besides, she wasn't adversely affected by 'fun' as some of her colleagues might tell it.

"I don't dance Abby," Luka repeated tentatively. He looked out at the girls and boys rubbing and grinding their bodies against one another and he cringed. "I can't dance like that."

Abby rolled her eyes. "Come on Luka," she sighed. "I'm not asking you to perform brain surgery...although I'm sure you'd much prefer it."

Suddenly the loud rhythmic beat pounding over the speakers was replaced with a slow, soft ballad that filled the four corners of the room. Abby thanked whoever was running the turntable and inched closer to Luka, with her hand still outstretched. "It's a slow one," she challenged. "Even you can dance to that." The corner of her lips curled into a slight smirk.

"I..." Before he could say another word, Luka felt her cool fingers slid into his and tug him towards the dance floor. Reluctantly he allowed Abby to guide him to the once crowded floor. There seemed to be a little more room for manuevering as they began to move tentatively to the slow song.

As her body moved in closer to his, slightly molding to his own frame, Luka felt his heart skip a beat; her head rested comfortably underneath his chin as her hand gripped his shoulder lightly and he allowed his hand to slide slowly around her waist. It had been a while since he had felt her this close to him. The nearness of her always seemed a catalyst to many different reactions in his body. First his heart would begin to race, faster and faster until it pounded against his chest. Then as his heart sped up the flow of the blood in his veins, Luka's face and the rest of his body began to warm, until it felt like his blood was boiling; his palms would begin to sweat and he would find himself completely and totally sensitized to her every touch.

__

And it had already begun.

Abby felt his strong arms swaying her body in time with his. His chest felt hard as she slid her left hand down from his shoulder to rest on his chest. Unconsciously she pressed in closer to him as she closed her eyes and allowed herself to immerse herself in the hypnotizing drum of the ballad. His warm hands gripped her waist, pullin her closer to him. The smell of cologne mixed with scotch emanated from every pore of his body. She loved the smell of him. She always had. He always managed to smell good.

Luka wasn't even thinking clearly as he lifted his hand to her face, to caress her cheek with his thumb, causing her to meet his bleary gaze. Swallowing the lump that had formed in his dry throat, Luka nervously lowered his lips to a seemingly spellbound Abby.

Abby licked her lips as she felt the warmth of Luka's breath caress her cheek. The ever-so-soft brush of his lips against hers caused her breath to catch in her throat. She bit her lip in anticipation of the promise of something else, as his strong hands cupped her face and his lips captured hers in a mix of tenderness, passion and need. Abby closed her eyes, caught up in the moment; the feeling of heat and desire that she had felt once before overwhelmed her and she allowed herself to revel in the moment.

With the hand which he had wrapped around her waist to guide her in the slow seductive dance, Luka pulled her closer to him, filled with a driving need to feel her against him. He was incensed as her fingers ran through his hair, as she felt her lips part allowing him access to taste the sweetness of her mouth. Their tongues intermingled and he was undone.

The music began to quicken and suddenly the all encompassing rhythm of drums and wailing guitars filled the room once again. The spell was broken; and as Luka pulled away from Abby, whose face was flushed and her eyes unable to meet his, he knew that the moment which he hadn't realized he needed so much, only brought regret in her eyes.

Abby bit her bottom lip, unable to explain what had just happened. She hadn't intended for the innocent dance to lead to something that both of them knew shouldn't have happened. The taste of scotch lingered on her lips as she licked them in an attempt to regain her wits about her. Nothing had prepared her for this tonight. She knew that the kiss hadn't been instigated by either party - each had lowered their guards and allowed themselves to indulge in something that felt so right in so many ways.

"I'm sorry," Luka whispered, unable to think of anything else to say.

Abby gazed into Luka's searching eyes, knowing that his words were sincere in some form; but behind them, each knew that 'sorry' was not the right word for what had just happened. "Luka..."

"Guys!" Susan's boisterious voice shattered the silence that surrounded them, even though the music blared around them. "Are you having fun?" she giggled, a little tipsy from obviously several drinks. The blue-eyed ER doctor flung her arms around both of their shoulders and grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"Susan," Abby breathed uncomfortably. "You're a little drunk..."

The normally reserved doctor shook her head in protest. "Nohh, 'm chnoot..." she slurred her speech slightly. Susan blinked a couple of times and then giggled. "Okayyy, maybe just...a...little."

Luka studied Susan's swaying demeanor and shook his head. "I think we should get you home," he said knowingly, glancing briefly at Abby, who seemed to agree.

"Ooh, party poopers," Susan pouted. "You guys were supposed to have fun tonight." She pulled away from Luka. "But all you guys ever do is look at each other and never say anything."

Abby raised her eyebrows at Susan's outburst. "You really need to get some sleep," she chuckled, trying to relieve the tension left over from what had happened just minutes ago. "Luka will take you home now, 'kay Susan?" She glanced up at Luka, who nodded with a wry grin.

"But I didn't even get to dance with Luka!"

Luka slipped his arm around Susan's waist and began to guide her off the dance floor. "Come on Dr. Lewis," he said slowly. "We can dance another time."

Abby followed behind slowly, not sure what to do next. The evening had been more...or less? than what she had expected. As she watched Luka slip Susan into the passenger seat, Abby contemplated what she should even say to Luka about what had happened._ Thanks for the dance?_ She closed her eyes, shook her head and groaned. _How lame._

"I'd better take her home," Luka said, gesturing to a slightly inebriated Susan, who was making faces against the passenger side window. He stood a couple of feet from Abby, who stood in front of the club entrance with her arms wrapped around herself.

"Yeah." Abby nodded. She hated this feeling. 

__

Why did wonderful kisses like that have to end in such awkward converstions?

Luka nodded, as he slipped his hands into his pants' pockets, backing away towards his car. "I'll see you tomorrow?" The question was insipid and completely wrong for the situation. Luka ran his fingers through his hair as he opened the driver side door.

Abby nodded, waving goodbye as Luka pulled away from the sidewalk. Once the red taillights faded into the darkness, she leaned forward and let out a frustrated cry. "Stupid!" She shook her head as she began to walk to the nearest El platform.

__

Why did she do this to herself?


	25. 25

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty Five

_In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps_

_- Prov. 16:9_

"If you really didn't like the broccoli and cauliflower, you could have told me," Deb said wryly, scraping the last of the leftover meal into her garbage. "You didn't have to hide it from me, you know?" Glancing over her shoulder, she watched John's face contort into derision as he spoke to the plumber. 

"How was I supposed to know you didn't have garbage disposal?" he whispered, resting his hand over the speaking end of the cordless receiver. 

Jing Mei couldn't help but laugh at the whole mess; her sink was now clogged with green and white florets. "You so owe me for this!" Turning around, she piled the two dirty plates beside the sink, as well as the glasses and utensils and grabbed a dishcloth to wipe off her dining table. "When I invited you for lunch, I wasn't expecting to have to call a plumber," she teased, winking at John as she strode passed him. 

"Hey, what do you think I'm doing on the phone with the plumber?" John asked dryly. "I said I would get it fixed." 

"I knew I should have just ordered pizza." 

"Ha. Ha." John rolled his eyes, as the plumber jotted down the address. He had been trying to be nice and surprise her for lunch, but she had convinced him that she would cook lunch, since she never cooked as often as she would have liked. The meal was delicious, except for his aversion to broccoli and cauliflower, which led him to hide it in his napkin and accidentally dumping it into the regular sink before realizing she had no garbage disposal. "You know being your friend seems to come with a lot of strings," he sighed, leaning against the kitchen counter, as he punched 'end' on the telephone. 

"Not that many," she said casually, as she leaned over to wipe the round dining table. Turning her head slightly, she looked up at him mischievously, "Except wrecking household appliances and such." 

"Oh, well they should point that little clause out." 

"You should get new lawyers." Grinning, as she walked by, she playfully slapped him across the cheek with her damp hand. "I'm sure your grandmother would be able to help you out on that one," Jing Mei said, casting a knowing look behind her. "She just loves to help you." 

"Don't even get me started on that," John groaned, rubbing his temples with his fingers. "I never had an inkling that she would set me up on a blind date for this charity ball the Board of Directors is throwing." 

"Your grandmother has good taste." Jing Mei dried her hands on a near by hand towel and turned around to face John, who looked ready to hide in some closet. She felt the corners of her lips tug slightly, as she tried to appear somewhat empathetic. "I'm sure she is a _wonderful_ girl, John." She fe. 

"Why couldn't you have lied for me, when I told her that you were going to be my date?" his voice raised, almost into a whine. "She was right there." Dropping his shoulders, he narrowed his gaze and glared evilly at Deb. _Then he wouldn't be in this mess._

"How was I supposed to know there was some hidden agenda when she asked if I was able to attend the charity ball?" 

"I was giving you 'the look'!" He pushed off the counter and walked into the living room. Throwing his hands up in the air, he spun around and sighed, "You should have _known_ 'the look'!" 

Jing Mei raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Yeah, I'm supposed to guess that from a whole flourish of weird and amusing face contortions," she scoffed, "which by the way, were quite amusing." 

"I'm seriously thinking about revoking your friendship privileges," he muttered, twining his fingers together and resting his head against them. Flopping onto the couch in despair, which he knew wasn't quite warranted, John closed his eyes and groaned again. 

"Well she would have known that I was lying, since Henry had only moments earlier double checked to see if I was able to work the nightshift that evening..." Despite the fact that it was quite entertaining to watch John squirm in angst about having to attend the ball with a complete stranger, Jing Mei did feel slightly bad for the guy. It had been less than a year since her parents had sprung Henry on her at the last fundraiser she had and would ever attend. "How bad could it be?" she said, sliding next to him on the couch. Nudging him with her shoulder, Jing Mei then relaxed into the soft cushions behind her. "It's only for one night." 

Folding his arms across his chest, he stared straight ahead, refusing to look at her. He looked like a disgruntled five year old. "Yeah, a night with a dentist, when you are having a root canal," he muttered. Jing Mei burst out laughing, and try as he might, so did John. 

****

--&-- 

"What happened to 'drinking is the bane of my existence'?" Abby asked dryly, as Susan slipped on a light spring jacket. "You swore you would never go clubbing again after last Wednesday." 

It had been a week and a half since that night and though the mention of that night brought back the memory of the surreal kiss that she and Luka had shared, Abby was finally comfortable with it...Or at least she had managed to put it in its place - it had been a one-time thing. 

"I never said I wouldn't go clubbing," Susan chided, slipping her hair from under the collar of her coat. "I just said that I wouldn't get drunk like I did." 

Abby rolled her eyes, knowing that people who said that were in complete denial that they didn't always have the best judgment in that kind of environment - she knew from experience. "Well have fun," she said, glancing over her shoulder, as she filed away a discharged patient's chart. 

"I will..._Mom_." 

Abby head jerked up at the droll slight. Susan's eyes twinkled wickedly and waved goodbye. She shook her head and sighed. "I need to get a life." 

"I thought you liked your life," said a familiar voice from behind her. 

Abby glanced over her shoulder and shook her head. "I was just lecturing Susan about the dangers of alcohol," she said tiredly. "Doesn't that tell you the estate of my affairs?" 

"Affairs?" Luka tilted his head curiously. He then nodded slowly, turning around to grab another chart from the waiting stack. "I never took you for that sort of woman," he said casually, turning his back on her. 

Abby's eyes widened at the suggestion; scrunching up her nose, she hit him on the shoulder with the metal patient chart in her hand. "Jerk." 

"Ow!" Luka cringed as he felt the impact from the blow. "What?" He stared at her, feigning complete bewilderment at her actions. 

"Men," she muttered, partially irritated and partially in jest. She rolled her eyes and headed toward the staff lounge. 

Abby hadn't spent much time with Luka after the other night; but from the limited conversation they did have, it was mutually decided that it was what it was and they both wanted to move on. _But you don't want to..._ Biting her bottom lip, she grabbed a styrofoam cup from a near by stack and shook her head. "What am I thinking?" she said under her breath.  
  
--&--

Luka stared after her for a moment before shaking his head and focusing on his next patient. Things were definitely different around County. Nothing major had occurred in the ER for a while now, in regards to personal crises and the beginning or ending of relationships, and it seemed odd in a way.

"Mr. Caplan." Luka greeted the twentyish something man sitting on the gurney. "How are you feeling today?" The patient looked somewhat uneasy and hesitant to speak. 

Luka waited patiently for a reply, as the man began to explain what he had been troubling him. 

Even Susan had been silent in the relationship advice department. 

"Have you taken any of these drugs?" Luka began to list a variety of anti-depressants, which he suspected the man had been abusing. Lately he had noticed an increased group of young men had been coming in complaining about the same exhaustion and mood swings, and just complete lack of mental concentration. 

"Will Dr. Kovac please come to the nurse's station?" said a woman's voice over the intercom. 

He frowned. _Who would be paging him?_

After several minutes Luka finished up with the patient and headed towards the nurse's station. He stopped in front of Haleh, who was jotting something down in a chart. "Who paged me?" 

Haleh glanced up, a confused and irritated look on her face. "What, am I your secretary?" she spouted with her usual fiery attitude. 

"Right," Luka drawled, turning around and searching for a familiar face. 

"Luka!" 

Jennifer's smiling face greeted him, just as he was turning around. Her face was slightly flushed and she looked embarrassed for some reason. "Jen," he breathed, embracing her in a warm hug. "What are you doing here?" 

"I'm so sorry that they paged you," she blurted, her hand fluttering to her auburn hair. "I just asked for you and they asked if it was important and I hesitated and before you know it, your name was being blared over the speakers." She paused to catch her breath. "So if you're busy," she motioned to the waiting room of patients, "I can totally talk to you later?" 

Luka looked at her incredulously. "No," he said dismissively, curious as to what had brought her here. "I have a minute. What did you need?" 

"Um, well," she chuckled nervously. "I was hoping you'd come for dinner at my new apartment." 

"New apartment, huh?" 

Jennifer's face beamed, as she nodded 'yes'. "It's going to be my first dinner party!" she exclaimed, clapping happily. 

"Just the three of us?" 

Jennifer's enthusiasm seemed to die down and an awkward silence pervaded in lieu of her previous excitement. "Uh, John and Deb?" She seemed hopeful that her answer would placate him. 

"Who else is coming?" Luka asked suspiciously. 

"Well let me just say there will be no parents or soon-to-be in-laws at the party," she said slowly, her eyes darting around unable to look him in the eye. 

"No blind dates." The statement was more of a plea. 

Jennifer's head shook vehemently. "No," she reassured. "No blind dates." 

"Then who is coming?" He couldn't figure out why Jennifer was being so mysterious about the whole ordeal. It was just dinner. 

"Hey Luka, your patient in exam 3 is still waiting for those test results," said Abby, who had just walked up to the counter with an armful of plastic packets. 

"You're Abby, right?" 

Abby nodded, reaching out her hand and smiled. "Yes," she said slowly, not having a clue who she was. 

And obviously the woman realized this and rolled her eyes, "I'm sorry! I'm Jennifer, soon-to-be sister-in-law of Deb Chen..." 

Luka watched Jennifer shake hands with his ex, and make polite conversation. There was no way... 

"Say, I'm having a party next Tuesday," Jennifer smiled warmly, clasping her hands together. "Would you like to come?" 

And there it was. 

Luka closed his eyes and shook his head. "I'm sure Abigail has to work that evening, right Abby?" He gazed at her expectantly, knowing Abby never enjoyed parties such as this, and with perfect strangers. 

"Who is going?" Abby eyed him curiously, wondering why he was so ill-at-ease at the suggestion. She didn't necessarily want to go to a party full of people she had never met...But from the looks Luka was giving her, part of her wanted to say yes to find out what the fuss was about. 

"Well it would be you, Luka, John and Deb, Stephen and myself." 

"I do think I have to work that night," Abby frowned, trying to think of her schedule for the next week. 

"Oh," Jennifer breathed, sounding quite disappointed. 

Luka moved up along side of Jennifer and tugged on her arm. "You know that's all right, right Jen?" he said, smiling at Abby. Jennifer glanced up questioningly at Luka. "I'm sure she can come to another of your other dinner parties," he suggested. 

"Luka," Abby breathed, glaring at his rudeness. What did he expect from the evening? Were Jennifer and Deb's brother some eccentric couple? Were they some kind of freaks that Luka was trying to hide from her? From what she had heard about them, they were apparently a sweet couple. 

_What was Luka's problem?_

"I could probably switch with one of the RNs," she replied, her gaze locked on Luka's. "So you could make that a tentative yes..." 

Luka groaned inwardly. _Great._ "Great!" Jennifer exclaimed, beaming at Abby's answer. "I'll let Luka know the details and he can fill you in?" She glanced up at Luka eagerly. 

"Sure." Luka turned his head, so that Abby was unable to see the evil glare he gave to the bubbly party planner. 

"Um, do either of you know Chicago well?" 

Luka's hand wavered, signaling that he knew it well enough. 

"How about you Abby?" 

"I know the city by train routes," she informed humorously. 

"So why doesn't Luka pick you up and you can go together?" 

"I guess we could," she said, motioning to Luka that it his decision. While waiting for a response, she kept held her gaze on the uneasy Croatian doctor. 

This sounded too much like she was trying to set them up. Luka, however, just shrugged it off casually, avoiding prolonged eye contact. Now she knew Luka knew what was going on. 

"Well," Jennifer sighed. "I'll let you guys figure that out." 

"Okay," they drawled in unison. 

"We'll talk to you later." With that Jennifer turned and exited out the main doors, leaving both Luka and Abby quite dumbfounded.

_Let the melodrama begin again..._


	26. 26

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty Six

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

- Prov. 4:23

"Quite attractive, if I do say so myself." Jing Mei eyed the petite Art History teacher, Mrs. Carter had chosen for John's date. She was not his usual type, natural red-head with dark green eyes. Jing Mei professed to John that she was quite the catch. It was not a lie; she did think the woman quite attractive. Although admittedly she said it to annoy John, who was still unamused at the prospect of being set up on a blind date by his grandmother.

"Don't," John warned, pointing a finger at her, whilst taking a drink of the champagne in his hand. "She is as about exciting as my grandmother's underwear."

He had gone into this evening with a horrible attitude. He admitted it. He was a horrible, terrible grandson. But nothing about this evening had been remotely fun. _Karen_ had spent the evening educating him on the merits of evenings such as this - unlocking the secrets of history untold. She went on a ten minute lecture on how much she appreciated the funding his grandmother had put towards her own venture into the mysteries of American artists such as Nesby and Amos, people he had never heard of and he could have cared less about.

"You have no idea how glad I was when I saw you walk through those doors."

Jing Mei, last minute, was asked to trade shifts by Shanda, who needed the next day off. She willingly complied. It was quite the decision whether she should rescue John from the torment of the charity ball, but when she heard the agonized message on her answering machine she knew she couldn't miss it. "There, there, John," she cooed, patronizingly patting him on the well-starched cuff of his wrist. "You still have a whole evening with Ms. Bramble over there. You cannot stay over here forever pretending to be getting her a drink."

John rolled his eyes and signaled the bartender for another glass of champagne, as he held Karen's red wine to his side. "Who drinks red wine at a charity ball?"

"Now John, _be nice_." Jing Mei leaned against the bar and glanced over at Mrs. Carter, who seemed to have noticed her arrival and kept eyeing the two of them. "Don't look now," she leaned over and whispered into John's ear, "I think we've been made."

John looked over to where he had left his 'date' and Gamma, to see them headed in their direction. "Hide me," he deadpanned.

Jing Mei hit him on the arm and shook her head, putting on a gracious smile as Mrs. Carter arrived, Karen in tow. "Mrs. Carter, what a nice surprise seeing you here!" She watched John out of the corner of her eye, praying he would behave. "John has been telling me what a wonderful time he's been having this evening," she lied, trying not to burst out laughing at what John's grandmother would have thought of their previous conversation. "You must be Karen." Jing Mei offered her hand to John's date. She accepted stiffly, her ghost of a smile revealed her dismay at Jing Mei's presence.

The woman was behaving quite childishly. She hadn't known John for more than an hour, and the territorial vibe she was putting out was laughable. Jing Mei forced herself to smile politely as she watched Mrs. Carter try to encourage John to take Karen onto the dance floor. "You're young," Mrs. Carter frowned. "You should be dancing. This _is_ a ball."

John smiled, set down the glass of wine, and held out his arm for Karen. Her long slender fingers wrapped around the crook of his elbow. "Shall we?"

Jing Mei waved goodbye to the 'happy' couple and slid her flute onto the bar. "You do know how miserable he is, don't you?" The matriarch studied Jing Mei carefully, her stoic face revealing nothing of her thoughts. She questioned whether she had leave to say such a cavalier remark to Mrs. Carter. Jing Mei had always felt at ease with the prim and disciplined woman. Maybe she had misread her.

"Of course I know that," said Mrs. Carter, her impassive expression finally revealing a glimmer of a wicked smile. Her posture was rigid and to onlookers she would seem as proper and respectable as always, but as Jing Mei sidled up along side her, she nudged her gently with her hip.

"You're evil," Jing Mei chuckled, as she watched John make small talk with the enamored twenty-something. "Was there a reason you decided to put him through this? Or was this just a fun distraction?"

As well as she thought she knew the woman, Mrs. Carter never ceased to surprise her. Just when she had thought she had her pegged, she went and did something as sneaky and mischievous as this little prank.

"I will deny ever having done such a thing, if pressed, Jing Mei." She turned and looked Jing Mei squarely in the eye. "Sometimes John doesn't realize a good thing when he has it," Mrs. Carter said knowingly, sipping her champagne slowly. "Men are very slow when it comes to choosing the right woman. I remember when Mr. Carter was still playing the field, while I was waiting in the wings."

"You, waited in the wings?"

"Of course I did," Mrs. Carter said indignantly. "The Carters aren't renown for their track records with women. Only those who pick well, manage to survive this family."

"Oh really?" Jing Mei found Mrs. Carter's perspective quite intriguing. She knew adjusting to another person's family was a difficult thing, but...

"Why do you think my son is divorced?"

Jing Mei gaped, not quite sure how to respond.

"Jing Mei, my grandson has faired better than his father, in the sense that he hasn't ever married one of these two month flings or the like," Mrs. Carter scoffed, as she patted her forearm. "But I do have to say that I am not pleased at all with how he cannot see what is in front of his face."

"What do you mean?" Jing Mei felt her cheeks grow warm.

"Don't play coy with me, young lady. You have a thing for my John."

_Oh god!_ How was she supposed to respond to something like that? She never expected to be put in such a position. "U-uh-no," Jing Mei chuckled nervously, glancing over at John as the music wound down. "We're just friends, Mrs. Carter."

"Well with that kind of attitude, you're going to," Mrs. Carter waved to John and Karen who were walking over, "be sitting in the wings forever."

Jing Mei watched as John's grandmother led Karen away, in the guise of introducing her to a few possible sponsors for her studies. Unable to look at John after her conversation with the ever insightful 'Gamma', she turned and ordered another champagne. "So you looked like you had fun out there," she breathed, trying to assemble her thoughts after the not-so-subtle kick that Mrs. Carter gave her - in the direction of her grandson, nevertheless.

"You're one sadistic doctor," John sighed, ordering a champagne of his own. "She could make an insomniac fall asleep."

"That's nice." Jing Mei tried to push Mrs. Carter's warning words to the back of her mind. She didn't know what the woman wanted her to do. John was just coming off a relationship and she did not want to be the 'rebound' girl. If she even stood a chance.

"Then a waiter offered to take her off my hands..."

"Hmmm, what?" Jing Mei caught the end of his words, but realized that she hadn't been paying attention at all. "Sorry," she smiled apologetically.

"Where were you?" John knew something was up when he returned from the slow dance from hell. Jing Mei was conversing with Gamma the entire time, so he knew it had to do something with the old cantankerous woman. "Did Gamma say something to you?" he asked, scanning the crowd for his grandmother's location. She was hidden amidst the crowd.

"No," Jing Mei smiled, shaking her head. "She was a completely nice."

"Then I know something's wrong," he chuckled, trying to make a joke. "She was just trying to give me advice on my love life."

Jing Mei waved her hand dismissively, trying to play it off as something absurd. "She was trying to be helpful." Jing Mei wanted to get off this subject as soon as possible. She wished she had never brought it up.

"First me, now you? Man, she must be on some matchmaking kick." John furrowed his brow. He had never seen Gamma in this sort of mood before. It was quite baffling. "I'm sure she's just teasing you," he explained thoughtfully.

"Oh yeah," she nodded, moving away from the bar and into the mingling crowd. Jing Mei hoped that she would shake off this awkward feeling she now had, here with John. "Shouldn't you get back to your _date_? I'm sure she's looking for you by now."

_Why are you pushing him away, when he clearly doesn't want to be around that Karen girl?_ Jing Mei closed her eyes and pushed the tiny protesting voice away. She couldn't give in to it. It was a fool's hope. And she wasn't a fool.

---

****

The evening had been running smoothly so far, by Luka's estimation. Jen and Stephen had kept their less than sly innuendo to a minimum, and he didn't think that Abby had noticed so far. He had been dreading this night for days. He could not imagine a less inviting dinner party than this.

Abby glanced over at Luka for the umpteenth time during the evening. He had been less than talkative and as the night had went on, she realized why. She had been noticing Jen's seemingly urgent glances towards Luka as well as Abby. At first she did not quite understand what was going on, but when Stephen had mentioned what a 'catch' Luka was, Abby understood all too well what the night's invitation had been about.

"So I didn't poison you, did I?" Jen said, glaring at Stephen. "Sometimes my fiancée knows exactly what to say to make me feel better, but tonight was not one of those nights." She rose to clear the dishes.

"Do you need any help?" Abby began to rise, in an attempt to help her host.

"Oh, no," Jen exclaimed, taking the plate from Abby's hands. "You sit and enjoy Luka, while _Stephen_, my light, my joy, helps me clear dishes."

Abby laughed as Stephen made a droll face before getting up and clearing the rest of the dishes. "You've got him well trained," she commented. "I could have used that with my ex-husband."

"It's all about voice intonation...and the choice of student." Jen winked.

Luka was glad that Abby was having a good time. They really hadn't put him on the spot, but he was still wary. Jen seemed sweet and innocent and then 'bam' she would do something like invite an ex to a dinner party in the hopes of re-igniting some previous passion. It was all an act.

"So you're putting up with the pressure well," Abby said, patting him on the thigh. "Mind you, you were always good under pressure."

Luka frowned, unsure of what she was talking about.

"You can stop pretending," Abby leaned in conspiratorially, "I know they're trying to get us together."

Abby forced herself not to laugh out loud at the stunned look on Luka's face. It was priceless. Apparently thought he had been hiding it well.

"Uh, what do you mean?" "Luka, the subtle glances and the knowing smiles?" Abby raised a dubious brow. "Jen and Stephen should never go into the acting business."

Luka didn't know whether he should be relieved or embarrassed.

"It's really okay, it's quite entertaining," Abby reassured, laughing at him. "I tried to get you out of it,"

Luka sighed, finally choosing to admit what she already knew. "I even gave you an out," he looked at her, "but you didn't take it."

Abby gaped. "Hey, how was I supposed to know that she had an ulterior motive?" She couldn't believe Luka expected her to know that his odd glances were warning her against an evening of matchmaking. "Besides, what _have_ you been telling them?" she said slyly, wagging a playful finger at him. "They seem to think that you might be wanting to go out with me again."

Luka was at a loss for words. "N-no! I have said no such thing. Uh, what I mean is..." he stammered, trying to think of a way to change the subject. The memory of kissing Abby on the dance floor resurfaced and he felt his cheeks flush.

He knew she wasn't ready for another relationship. Hell, he didn't even know if he was ready to start the serious relationship he wanted with Abby. It scared him. They were great as friends. They were great as lovers. It was the combination of the two, which formed a life-long commitment that he was unsure of.

Were they meant to be or was it too late?

Abby bit her bottom lip at Luka's slow response. She had been trying to put behind her the memory of their brief encounter of re-ignited passion. They had never had any problems with the chemistry between them, that had not been what broke them up. It had always been a combination of bad timing and past relationships, whether it was hers with her mother or his with the ghost of Danjela. But things seemed to have changed...at least for him. He seemed happier and living in the present, than in the past.

She was happy for him. She, on the other hand, had just split with John. It was an odd experience. She missed him; the break up had been lack luster at best, but most of her relationships seemed to end like that. No, it was his friendship that she missed. He had always been there.

The only thing was that _that_ was all she missed. There were no sentimental longings that plagued her. Part of this oddity reassured her that the break up had been the right decision, and seeing John moving on quite easily was also another one.

The question was, was she ready?

"Look..." They both said it in unison, but before either could finish their thoughts, they were interrupted.

"Ready for dessert?" Jen sang happily.

Abby met Luka's intent gaze, who seemed to read her mind. "Definitely," he replied cheerfully, all the while his eyes never left hers.

_This conversation would have to wait_.

------  
**A/N:** Thanks to all the Jinters who have kept the love alive! I know it's hard when the WOD (heh, yeah they're alive and kickin' aren't they?) doesn't seem to care. But I hope you guys still enjoy this newest update. Yeah, yeah. I know it's not long. But I'm a very very busy jinter. Even though I could live on m&ms, strawberries, and cokes, I still need to find a way to pay for them P


	27. 27

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty Seven

I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

- 2 Cor. 2:8

"So have you called that nice young lady since your introduction to her at the fundraiser, John?"

John groaned. He thought that his one night stint as an escort to the bland art buff had ended, but his grandmother had not given up on it. It was a new side to her. And he wasn't quite sure he liked it.

"Gamma, she's just not my type." He hurriedly grabbed a bagel and a travel mug of coffee. "I've already told you that," he chuckled softly. "So you might want to end your career as a matchmaker."

"Oh I don't know about that, John." He heard her mumble.

John turned and faced his stubborn grandmother, making sure she understood the definitive nature of his stance on this woman. "Gamma, no more matchmaking."

"Well John, I'm not a young woman anymore and I would like to meet my great grandchildren before I'm on my deathbed," she said offhandedly. "I'm definitely no spring chicken."

"You're going to live forever," John said, leaning over and kissing her lightly on the cheek.

"Oh, stop trying to avoid the subject. You can't be flip flopping between women every other month."

He could not understand where her disdain for his single life was coming from. She had never liked anyone he had brought to meet her. Now she was in this insane hurry to marry him off to the first boring and money-hungry single she met. There was definitely something up. "I'm not," he said irritably. "I just got out of a serious relationship. I don't think I'm ready to jump back into the dating scene just yet. Let alone, date a woman my grandmother, adorable as she is, set up."

"Well who would you date then, John?" She folded her arms carefully and raised a questioning brow. "From what I have seen, you date flighty or non-commital women. It's take your pick. Always the same, never someone who challenges you."

"We're seriously not having this conversation," he exclaimed, unsure whether it was shock or annoyance at her presumptiousness. "Gamma you haven't even met all of the women I've dated."

"Well what does that say about them?" she scoffed. "Obviously you knew that they weren't going to be in your life very long."

"We're not having this conversation." John slipped his bag over his shoulder and headed towards the door. "Goodbye Gamma."

"Don't think this is the end of it, John Truman Carter."

_Just where did Gamma get off trying to run his love life?_

Granted his choice of women hadn't been quite successful. But not all of it was his fault. There had been so many obstacles for many of the relationships that he had entered. Whether it was timing or location or personal differences, thing just never seemed to fall into place.

_'So maybe she it isn't so far fetched for her to assume it is you?'_ a quiet voice suggested.

Even if it had been his own fault for not thinking and seeing the bigger picture, it did not give his grandmother the right to take over his love life. He had been through the gambit dysfunctional and relationship-challenged women and he hadn't come out of it unscathed or without any learned lessons.

It was quite the opposite. He thought that may have possibly figured the whole thing out.

>>>

"So you got approval from the grandmother?" Stephen exclaimed. "Now that is a coup." 

"That isn't what I said," Jing Mei protested, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. "I just said that it sounded like she was telling me that I was stupid for waiting around so long."

After that night at the charity ball, Jing Mei had to talk to someone about her encounter with Mrs. Carter. And Stephen seemed the logical choice. Now she was regretting it.

"Well maybe she has a point," Jennifer said slowly, setting a cup of coffee in front of Jing Mei. "You can't keep pretending you don't feel anything for John."

"I don't have..." But she was interrupted before she could finish.

"Not nice to lie," Stephen said, wagging his finger in front of her.

She to a swipe at it, but missed, as he quickly pulled it away.

"Stephen." Jennifer frowned at her fiancee. "Don't tease her."

"Hey, she's my sister." He motioned between them. "What do you think our whole relationship is based on?"

"Funny," Jing Mei sighed, slightly forlorn at the dilemma before her.

That whole night she had kept telling herself that all of it was insane and that she did not want any part of it. Though she may have had feelings for John, she could not let it go any further. He was not ready. He probably would never be.

But in the light of day, those thoughts became 'maybes' and 'what ifs'. It drove her to her brother's doorstep.

"Sometimes you just have to take risks, Jing Mei," Stephen said, his expression turning serious and sympathetic. "And if you don't even bother to let John know what you're feeling, he'll never know. Believe me. We, males, are that dense."

Jing Mei raised a skeptical brow.

"Oh trust me," Jennifer said, nodding in agreement. "They are."

Jing Mei shook her head, as the corners of her lips tugged, as she witnessed the ease these two had around each other. They playfully nudged each other at the slight dig at the male gender. "Oh, I know."

"Then maybe you have to be the one to make the first move?"

Jing Mei closed her eyes and groaned, falling back into the cushions of the couch. Could she really do what they were saying? It had been years of friendship, and now she was supposed to somehow tell John that she wanted something more? Her stomach did a flipflop and she felt like she was going to throw up.

"I don't know if I can do it."

>>>

"Hi." 

"Hi."

Luka and Abby stood in front of each other, with only a chair between them. It was the first time they had spoken since their dinner at Stephen's apartment.

"How are you?" Luka asked tentatively.

"Good," Abby replied, her voice rising slightly. "And you?"

"Good." Luka nodded.

An awkward silence fell in contrast to the loudness of their surroundings.

"Well, I'd better start my rotation," he said, regretting the fact that he could not think of another thing to say.

Abby watched as Luka moved to leave, and unconsciously reached out and grabbed his arm. "Wait," she said breathlessly.

His heart raced as he felt her warm touch. It astonished him at how the littlest things about her could make his blood boil. "Yeah?" His voice cracked slightly.

"Do you want to have lunch together?" she asked hesitantly. Part of her wanted to take back the offer, but she bit back her tongue, refusing to run away scared this time.

He glanced down at her hand, which was now just resting lightly on his forearm. He smiled. "I would like that."

Abby pulled her hand away quickly and smiled back. She took a deep breath and let out slowly. "Great," she breathed, nodding once as she backed away as if to leave.

"Do you want to meet here or maybe at Doc's?"

"How about I meet you at Doc's?"

"Okay," he said, absentmindedly grabbing a patient's chart. "I'll see you there."

"I'll see you there," Abby smiled, while without thought, repeating his words.

>>>

"Hey Deb," John said, surprised to hear her voice over the phone. "What's up?" 

"I was just wondering if you had any plans tonight?" Jing Mei swallowed the lump in her throat as her mind raced to find the words to explain her impromptu inviation.

"No," he said slowly, trying to recall his schedule. "I don't think so. Although I get off a little late tonight. Why?"

"Do you think I could come over?"

"Yeah," John said. "No problem."

He could hear the trepidation in her voice. And it worried him. His mind raced, trying to think of what could possibly be wrong with her. Had something gone wrong at work?

"Okay," she breathed. Jing Mei relaxed a little when there was no 'why'. It made it a little easier.

"Why don't you give me a call before you come over," he suggested. "Just in case I get stuck here at work."

"Yeah, sure." Jing Mei was filled with mixed emotions. She was excited, yet terrified at what could come from this evening. "I'll see you tonight."

>>>

"Is it just me," Susan frowned, as she sat down with her pile of patient charts, "or are a few of the doctors here just a little bit distracted?" 

"It's not just you, Dr. Lewis," Chuny whispered, subtly glancing over at Dr. Kovac and Abby. "There is definitely something going on."

"Oh, who's down for the pool today?"

"Wendy."

"Damn," she muttered under her breath. "I _knew_ I should have put down for the seventh. That's my lucky number."

Chuny arched one brow. "So you went in on it too?" she asked. "I didn't think it was in you." She nudged the blonde doctor in the ribs.

"Hey, I'm all in for a little extra cash," Dr. Lewis said casually. "Especially when it's a sure thing."

"Okay," Chuny nodded, "but that doesn't explain why Dr. Carter is acting a little kooky too."

Susan tilted her head slightly, her curiousity peaked. "Carter? What's do you hear about him?"

"Just seems like he has seemed a little edgy and tense since he came into work this morning." Chuny leaned in, trying to remain inconspicuous. "I heard the old lady tycoon is pressuring him to find a little lady."

"Really?"

"Yeah, the old lady dropped in this afternoon," Chuny explained. "And it just seemed to agitate him even more."

"Interesting."

Things had apparently been shifting around the E.R.. The employees of County General were getting lives.

"I wonder if a pool should get started for Carter as well?" Susan joked.

"Already one," Chuny grinned. "Want in?"

"Oh what the heck," she sighed, throwing her hands in the air. "I was needing a new outfit anyways."


	28. 28

Softly Awaken

-------

Chapter Twenty Seven

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;  
you have stolen my heart  
with one glance of your eyes,  
with one jewel of your necklace.

- Song 4:9

--------

"So..." Luka smiled awkwardly and began picking at his fries.

"So..." Abby absentmindedly repeated his words. She licked her lips trying to think up a way to bring up what had exactly transpired the night before. The inklings of something that she had thought was long behind her. "About what was talked about last night," she muttered, not sure she wanted the words to be heard.

"Yeah," he cleared his throat, "last night."

"It was fun." She closed her eyes at her lame response.

"You mean other than the being fixed up part?" he said dryly. "Yeah, you could say that."

"True," Abby laughed. "But in their defense, I do have to say it was an excellent meal."

Luka nodded, with a smirk on his lips.

"Um, the reason I asked you out for lunch is," she hedged, trying to decide whether she should drop the whole matter. "I just got the feeling you wanted to say more, before...before we got interrupted."

He swallowed hard. Abby had never been this straightforward before. He studied her face -the warm brown eyes that squinted whenever she smiled, her amazing smile that could and would always light up a room - and realized how much she had changed, yet remained the same. "Uh," he stammered, realizing he had been staring at her for more than a few seconds. "I guess I wanted to...to say that..." His voice trailed off.

What had he wanted to say? He regretted the position he had put her in, when Jen and Stephen acted on his behalf? That they had realized and deciphered that somehow he had begun to see her as something more than a fling? He had moved on with his life and now he could see that he wanted to start his present and future with her?

All of these answers swirled around in his head, but none of them broached his lips.

"I'm sorry if I put you on the spot," she blurted out, feeling the tension rise between them. "Maybe I just read it wrong."

It was not a novelty. She had been wrong before. She had been wrong when she thought that Michael was her soulmate. She had been wrong to marry the jerk, whom she had put through school. Abby peered up, searching Luka's eyes and wondered if she had misread that soft glimmer in his eyes as something more.

"No," Luka whispered softly, grabbing her hand before she withdrew it from the diner table. "You weren't wrong."

His heart was pounding. He felt a thick lump develop in his throat as his mind raced to find the words to say to her - to express what he was feeling.

Abby felt the corners of her lips curl slightly, as his thumb caressed the back of her hand. Her heart leaped when he confirmed her suspicions. But what was it that she had seen. Was it just old feelings re-igniting? Were they falling back into something familiar?

"Abby, I've gone through a lot," he began slowly, "you know that." She nodded, remaining silent as he spoke. "And you were the first woman I had really begun to have any relationship with since Danjela," he admitted, recollecting the passion that had first sparked their almost doomed relationship. "It was a hard road we faced."

"We had our problems," she said, nodding in agreement. "We both were not in good places."

"And we used each other." He paused, and locked gazes with her. "Hurting each other," Luka sighed, knowing he had not been as invested in their relationship as he should have been.

"It went both ways," Abby said, able to read the guilt that flickered across his face. "Although, you were more frustrating that way." She smirked, trying to lighten the mood slightly.

Luka chuckled softly. "Well, you were stubborn."

"True."

"And I don't think I was really," he paused a moment, trying to find the words, "_ready_ for anything so intense, that comes with any relationship."

"And I was a complete mess, with my Mom's stuff."

Luka squeezed her hand. It felt good to hold it. Her fingers were long and slender, and soft to the touch.

"But now we're here," he breathed. "And we're different people. I didn't know how strong my feelings remained until I watched you spiral down into that dark place and I was helpless to do anything..."

"Luka," she leaned in, something caught in her throat, "what are you saying?"

It sounded like the verge of a confession of something - words that she had not heard uttered since her first marriage.

He had not spoken those delicate, and in a way very minor words, yet indescribably hard to say. "I think I may have fallen in love with you."

>>>

When John answered the phone, Jing Mei had the sudden urge to call the whole thing off. She had quickly managed to come up with a lame excuse to avoid their meeting that she had set up. But instead, she heard her confirming their plans and informing him that she would be over after she had changed out of her scrubs.

_Why? Why didn't I just cancel on him?_ These questios plagued her as she stood upon the doorsteps of the Carter residence. Her heart was pounding and her palms were sweaty. Jing Mei had thought she was going to pass out before she even rung the doorbell.

"Deb!" John smiled as he opened the door for her. "You...come in."

Jing Mei caught the hesitation, as he greeted her. _What had he planned on saying?_ She glanced down at her clothes, which she had painstakingly chosen. She did not know what kind of outfit one would wear when they were going to reveal to their best friend that they were more than attracted to them. In fact, the correct words would be 'in love with'. After much deliberation, she chose a pale pink camisole and a comfortable black silk skirt. "Uh, thanks," she breathed, swallowing hard as she stepped past John.

"I didn't know we would be going out?"

"Oh, we're not," Jing Mei blurted out, now regretting her choice of outfit. "Do I look that overdressed?"

"No," John said dismissively. "It's just that you look really good. I mean, too good just to hang out."

"Oh," she said softly. "Uh, thanks?"

This was awkward as hell. And Jing Mei knew it was going to get even more awkward, as the night went on. _Maybe this isn't the right time. Maybe I should do this a different night?_

"Can I get you a drink?"

"Uh, sure," she said quickly. "A white wine please." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw John's surprised expression with her choice of drink.

_Great, am I acting completely weird and insane?_ She wondered what John was thinking about. What was going on in his head. She was not acting herself, for obvious reasons; but of course he had no clue. _If only he knew..._

"So you want to hear the further chronicles of my grandmother's matchmaking attempts?"

"Sure," she said, laughing half-heartedly. "What did she do now?"

"Before work, I get 'the talk' from my grandmother, about how much I am messing up my love life. Of course in much more subtle terms," he laughed, with his back turned as he poured their drinks. "And I being the rebellious grandson, had to tell her to mind her own business. Of course, in much more subtle terms."

"And did she listen?" Jing Mei plastered a smile on her face, as he walked towards her with a glass of wine in an outstretch hand. She accepted the wine, taking a long sweet dry draught. The silky liquid coated her dry throat and calmed some of her nerves - or at least the psychological idea of the calming effects of alcohol had.

"No," he sighed exasperatingly. "Did you imagine she would?"

The right side of the corner of his mouth jerked slightly, in a warm mischievous smirk. He sat down beside her, turning his body in towards her, so that each had a leg curled in front of them.

"She is a pretty stubborn woman, or at least that's the impression she likes to give," she noted, with a genuine smile of her own. "But I can't hold that against her, when I know it comes from a good place."

"Do you think that way about your parents?" He arched one knowing brow.

"Well, it's a lot easier to see and feel, when you're not in the thick of it," she laughed. "Besides, my parents are twice the trouble your little grandmother is."

"Oh, don't let her hear you describe her in those words," John warned, leaning in conspiratorily. "Or it will be off," he made a cutting gesture across his throat, "with your head.

"Don't exaggerate, John." She pushed him playfully on the shoulder. "She's not that bad."

John seemed to pause a moment and then eye her suspiciously. "Now that you say that," he said thoughtfully. "I do have to wonder what is your secret?"

"Secret?" Her pitch raised slightly at the mention of the word. "What...what secret?" she laughed awkwardly, raising her wine glass to her lips.

"You seem to be the only one who can keep her in a genuinely good mood. Or at least, what qualifies as a good mood for her," he teased. "What _is_ your secret?"

"I guess I'm just beyond charming," she replied haughtily, putting on heirs in an attempt to cover her utter relief that she would not have to explain herself just yet. "I mean, isn't that just obvious?"

"Well, that's a given," John said, rolling his eyes.

She watched as he relaxed, and leaned back into the couch cushions. He looked so different when he was away from work. At the hospital, he had always looked tense and worried. But at home, Jing Mei really felt she got to know John.

"So any ideas on how you're going to get Grandmere off your back, short of marrying a complete stranger?"

"So you like the idea!" John sat up with grin. "I thought it was a good one myself."

"W-what?" she coughed, as she was mid-drink. The liquid closed off her airway and threw her body into an involuntary coughing fit, as she gasped for breath. He moved in to clap her on the back, as if that would help her choking fit. "You're kidding, right?"

"Yes!" John had this bemused look on his face, as if he could not believe she actually thought he was that desperate. "So don't go dying on me yet, because I won't have anyone to tell these wild ideas that she drives me to consider."

"Right," she said raspily, still trying to catch her breath.

"You really think I would do something like that?" he laughed incredulously, still unconsciously rubbing her back. "After all of these years, I thought you knew me better than that."

"I do," she said defiantly, only to meet his teasing gaze, which danced with amusement.

"Good to know." He smiled softly.

Suddenly Jing Mei realized how close they were in proximity - and again her heart began to race. Her breathing became shallow and she could feel the heat emanating from his body. Searching his eyes, Jing Mei wondered if he felt anything - if this was a figment of her imagination. His gaze had softened and now seemed to be looking at her differently. And never once, did they leave hers.

This was how she dreamed it would be: The heat, the energy, the chemistry, the electricity filling the room, closing them off to everything and everyone in the room.

_All I have to do is lean in..._

_>>>_

_How had everything fallen down to this one moment?_

He had been ready to console a friend. John had planned several funny stories and anecdotes to cheer up Deb, who for all intensive purposes, had been coming over from a horrible day at work. But when she arrived on his doorstep, she was dressed...well, she was _dressed_. It was unexpected.

Things began awkwardly. She had requested a white wine, which is nothing unusual, in that he had seen her drink wine before; but she never took a drink at his house unless it was with a meal.

But then they fell into their usual banter as he filled her in on Gamma's latest antics. Things seemed to have been leveling out, and then when she was choking after his untimely joke, he automatically moved into help. There really wasn't anything to do - it was human nature to be concerned.

_How did I get here, though?_

He was staring into Deb's deep, dark eyes, and if he leaned in slightly they would be...

"Now it is about time!" Gamma exclaimed gruffly. "I thought you two would never wake up and smell the Columbian ground, brewing right in front of you."

John pulled away quickly. "Gamma!" He glanced out of the corner of his eye to see Deb close her eyes, he supposed in embarrassment. "What are you doing home so early?" he asked quickly, his heart still pounding from his grandmother's startling arrival.

She didn't seem to hear him.

"So you two finally realized how perfectly you fit!" She laboriously made her way down the one step into the sitting room. "I have to say John, I was worried about you," his grandmother chided. "But I can see you've come to your senses."

John groaned inwardly. This had to be the most embarrassing moment..._No, that was tenth grade, involving Emiline Terrington._ Though it definitely did rank right up there.

"As did you, young lady."

_"Oh god."_ He heard Deb mutter under her breath.

_She must have been mortified_, John thought. And his intention that night had been to make her feel better, not worse. _Good ole Gamma._

"Nothing was happening, Gamma," he protested. John guiltily glanced over at Deb, whose gaze met his before quickly averting them, as did he. "Deb just came over to hang out."

"Yes," Deb confirmed.

"Hang. Out." His grandmother said the words with disdain. "Hang out," she repeated, as if she was not quite grasping the concept.

"Yes," John said firmly. "It's what friends do."

"You should be doing something else with this young lady," she spat. "Other than hanging out. She is a young, intelligent woman and you wasting her time and yours is doing neither of you any favors."

John shook his head. Now it was his time to be mortified. He had never heard his grandmother talk so bluntly about his love life in front of people like this. Well, he had, but that was in hypothetical terms. _Gamma has just gone over the bend._ "Gamma!" he said harshly. "I don't think this is the time and the place."

It didn't seem to matter.

"You and she are friends and companions. She is from a well-bred family. A doctor nonetheless." She hobbled over to Deb and looked her straight in the eye. "And you, know very well I'm right," she challenged knowingly. "Don't you?"

John glanced over at Deb, wondering why his grandmother had seemed determined to be that pointed to her. Gamma and Deb seemed to always have some inside jokes or secrets, but now, it seemed to have gone further than that. His grandmother apparently felt she knew something about Deb that she had made a point to keep from him.

"John," Deb said breathlessly. "I-I..." She was trembling - shaking from all appearances.

"Gamma, you need to stop this."

"Well have you solved the dilemma which is your so called love life?" she asked pointedly.

"Yes." He turned and looked at her straight in the eye. "I have solved the dilemma of my love life, so you can stop meddling in it," he said determinedly. "Are you satisfied?"

"And what is that?" His grandmother stood there, as if doubtful that any resolution would satisfy.

"I'm giving it up."

"What?" Both Deb and his grandmother chimed together.

"I've given up on the whole world of romance."

They both seemed incredulous at the whole idea.

He had given it much thought, and though as much as he loved the company of a woman, he had realized that 'the right one' might not be out there. And as he had dwelt on that thought, the unusual revelation was that it didn't upset him as much as he thought it would. He had experienced romance and love and it hadn't turned out to be so great. It was time to focus on his career. He had even been considering doing some overseas humanitary aid stints.

"Well, th-that is absurd, John Truman Carter!" his grandmother sputtered. "It is unacceptable."

His grandmother seemed at a loss for words. She twisted this way and that before turning around and hobbling into the foyer and up the stairs. All the while, muttering how preposterous an idea it was.

"So, I know how she feels," he joked, turning around to face the stunned expression on his friend's face. "What about you?"

"Wh-what?" she stammered.

"What do you think about my idea of a lifestyle change?"

>>>>>>

_What did she think? What did she think?_ Jing Mei did not have the words to express the shock and surprise of John's announcement. There was only one thing she could do.

It was the last thing John expected. Right in front of him, Deb broke down in a fit of laughter. "Hey," he frowned. "I'm serious."

"John, you're not serious."

"Yeah, I am." He couldn't believe she would laugh at him.

_'Really?'_ a small voice asked.

_Okay maybe not that unexpected._

"John, you've been a ladies' man since I met you. For you to stay away from women, is like a bee declaring abstinence from pollen."

"Well, then I guess it will be the bee's first time."

Jing Mei sat up, trying to keep a straight face, wiping the tears from her cheek, and looked at him in confusion. "Why?" she asked. "Why this sudden revelation that you're not going to find Mrs. Right."

"I'm tired of it all."

"Really?" she smirked. "_All_ of it?"

"Okay," he sighed, rolling his eyes. "Maybe not _all_ of it. I'll miss that part, but I'm sure there are _ways_ to aleve that problem."

As soon as the word aleve left his mouth, Jing Mei broke out in laughter again. She couldn't help it. She imagined John propositioning women for one night stands and it struck her as hilarious.

"Thank you," he groaned. "Thank you for thinking my former love life as something akin to a comedy."

"I'm sorry," she giggled, "John. Really." She cleared her throat and put on the straightest face she could muster. "I really am. I'm behind you. All the way. Really."

"Really?" He stared at her with a droll expression. "Why don't I really believe you?"

"Because your grandmother was completely right?" she blurted out. "Because this sounds 'completely absurd' - to use her words."

She couldn't believe this. All of her luck. Here she was about to tell John that she had feelings for him, when suddenly it looked like that she might not even have to - until the interruption. And then John declares his desire for celibacy. Everything had just a mark of the incredulous.

"See! I knew you weren't being serious about supporting me! What chance do I have, if my friends don't believe in me."

"John, this has nothing to do with believing in you," she sighed. "It's just that, well, it just seems a bit extreme, don't you think?"

"Why?" John replied, furrowing his brow in frustration. "WHY? I am tired of this whole cat and mouse game. I'm tired of it. I don't know if it is because I'm just not there yet, or if I'm just not meant to have it. Either way, it's too late."

Jing Mei was taken aback by his sudden anger. She studied her best friend as he ran his fingers through his hair, as he always did when he was at a loss of words. Suddenly, she knew that he was completely serious. John Carter wanted out of the game of love. Her heart sunk to the pit of her stomach. She was too late.

"Okay," she whispered softly, as she tried to quietly digest the harsh reality of it all.

"Yeah?" he said irritably. "You got it?"

"I get it." Jing Mei nodded slowly "I'm sorry, if I thought it was a joke," she sighed. "I just didn't realize..."

"Well..." John looked up to see the remorse in her eyes; and he soon regretted his harshness. "I am serious," he said more gently than before. "But you don't need to feel...bad, about what you thought."

"I do." Jing Mei felt a flood of emotions. Anger and regret, sorrow and frustration - why could he have not given her a shot? "I get it," she repeated.

"Look Deb," he said, reaching out to her. "I'm sorry to have dumped all of this on you. It's not your fault that people don't believe me. It's mine. I mean, how can I blame anyone for not believing me?"

Jing Mei nodded, lowering her eyes and turning slightly so that the tears that had begun to form in her eyes would be masked. "That's okay," she coughed, trying to mask the tears choking her.

John knew it wasn't okay that he took his frustration at the first words of doubt out on her. _It's not always about you_. Suddenly he felt like a jerk. This whole night had turned into the equivalent of a dissection of his love life. Deb, meanwhile, had come over to talk to him about something. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm a total jerk. I've turned everything into something about me. What did you come over to talk about?"

She felt his hand come to rest upon her shoulder. It was meant to be a comforting gesture, but it just made everything so much worse. Jing Mei could not believe how this night had turned out. Nothing in her wildest imagination could have come close to this catastrophe.

"Deb?"

She couldn't deal with it. She needed air. She needed to be able to breathe.

Quickly she wiped away the hidden tears, and she plastered a smile on her face. Clearing her throat, she laughed. "I'm fine," she lied. "Just got something in my eyes."

"Are you sure?" John frowned, moving in closer. He reached out to push a stray hair away from her face, but she pulled away.

"I really should get going," she blurted out, feigning a glance at her watch. "I have an appointment tomorrow morning."

"I thought you were not working tomorrow?"

"Yeah, this is a personal appointment," she lied again. Jing Mei bit the inside of her cheek and then smiled as brightly as she could. "So, thanks for tonight."

"We didn't even talk about anything." John knew something was wrong. He could tell by her body posture. "C'mon," he coaxed. "I know I was a bad host, but we can still talk."

"It was really nothing," she dismissed. "I just had a bad night at work." She moved past him and towards the foyer.

"Are you sure?" he asked, grabbing a hold of her upper arm. He spun her around, until she was looking at him face to face. "Because you know I'm always here to talk to you about anything."

"Yeah," she replied wistfully. "You are, aren't you?"

"I am." John smiled softly.

Jing Mei studied his face once more. His concern flickered deeply within the dark pools that stared back at her. Without thought, her hand reached up and caressed his face. "Before you swear off women completely," she spoke lost in his eyes, "do I get a shot at the infamous John Carter?"

John did not expect that. And before he could answer, her soft full lips pressed against his.

Jing Mei closed her eyes, hoping there was no look of disdain or rejection etched upon his face. She wanted this one moment, knowing there would be no other. For at least one moment in time, he would be hers.

The surprise had faded and John found himself lost in the kiss. He loosened his grip on her arm, dropping it down and let it rest upon her waist, pulling her into him. His other hand cupped her face, his fingers slipping through her silky black hair, so he could deepen their kiss. Her body was lean, but soft. It fit against his perfectly.

Her lips moved, sucked, and tugged at his. He felt this unexplanable need for more of her. When he had lost all sense of time and his surroundings - all that mattered was her and the feel of her - suddenly she withdrew. John was dazed - a little confused - as he stood there emptyhanded.

"I'm sorry," Jing Mei said breathlessly, pressing her fingers against her lips. "I didn't mean for that to happen."

"W-wha?" His thoughts were in a jumble. He had no idea what had just happened - what had just transpired between them. "Deb, I don't..." Before he could finish his thought, she interrupted him.

"Don't worry, John," she whispered, gazing into his eyes. "We can chalk this up to 'something between friends'." She kept back the traces of bitterness that now lingered in her heart, and turned to leave.

"Can we?" John asked, grabbing her wrist as she tried to walk past him. His mind was still clouded by confusion as to what that kiss had meant, if it had meant anything. The taste of dry white lingered upon his lips as his tongue traced the memory of her kiss.

Jing Mei closed her eyes and felt her heart beat against her chest. She wanted to scream 'No'. But her thoughts trailed back to just minutes ago. He seemed unsure of what he wanted. He had made up this absurd disavow of a love life. She knew it would never last. But it opened her eyes - opened her eyes to where he was in his head and in his heart. And it was nowhere near her.

He was right about one thing. He wasn't ready for 'that someone', not yet. And maybe he never would be. But she knew she was. She was ready to meet 'the one'. Foolishly, she thought he had been it. _He could have been it._

"Yes," was all she said to him before she pulled away from him, and walked out the door.

**-------**

**an:** Thanks again to all of the faithful Jinters and Luby fans. I appreicate the feedback. It's always helpful to have critique and well just words of encouragement. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	29. 29

Softly Awaken

Chapter Twenty Nine

For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.

- Prov. 5:21

"You told her?" Susan could not hold back her surprise. She had been teasing and nudging Luka for what seemed like forever. And here he sat across from her in the staff lounge telling her that he had finally told Abby what his feelings were for her? _Damn it. I knew I should have put in on the twenty-third. It's always been my lucky number._

"Yeah, can you believe it?" Luka was still in a daze after blurting out how he felt. It seemed so surreal. He couldn't believe how good it felt to get it off his chest, yet it still be so nerve-wracking.

"And she said...what?"

"We're gonna take things slow," he explained. He replayed the conversation over and over in his mind. In fact, he was surprised Weaver hadn't jumped down his throat for being a little unfocused today. "She doesn't know where she stands yet."

"And you're okay with that?" It was not the most enthusiastic response on Abby's part, but she could understand why the RN/med student was tentative. Abby had been through this with him already and was just getting out of a relationship with Carter.

"Yeah," Luka said. "I want this to work out this time. So I think it's a good thing we're taking it slow."

"Well, I'm happy for you, Luka," Susan smiled, embracing the broad-shouldered Croatian. "I knew you two would end up together."

_Even though I'm out a good twenty bucks._

_>>>_

"So what's got you in such a bad mood?" Henry frowned, as he nudged Jing Mei, who seemed completely distracted. "I don't think I've ever seen you with such a miserable look on your face since...well ever."

"Thanks a lot, Henry," Jing Mei said dryly. "I really appreciate the candor."

"No problem," he grinned. "Just being a good friend." He reached around with one arm and hugged her.

"I'm fine. I don't think I should need to have a sunny disposition every day," she said, choosing her words carefully. "It's not in my contract, you know." Jing Mei grabbed a few forms for her charts and tried to avoid eye contact, hoping he'd take the hint.

But he didn't.

"Seriously though, what's the matter? There was a little rumor going around that you had a little meeting with your friendly neighborhood County doctor?" He knew he had hit a nerve when he saw the automatic jerk of her head, as she turned to meet his gaze.

"What did you hear?"

"So it's true? You had a meeting with Mr. Golden Boy?" he said slowly. "And now you're in a bad mood? What did he do?"

"It's not him!" she protested. Jing Mei wanted to blame him, and part of her did, but really it was just circumstance and possibly fate. "I'm just in a bad mood." She paused. "I didn't get my grand moccachino with extra whip today."

She was such a bad liar. According to her mother, she was like an open book. Whenever she was upset or angry, her parents could read it on her face. Of course, her parents thought it best to let her sort it out. She never was quite sure if that was a good thing or not.

"That was pretty lame," Henry said, shaking his head. "Even for you."

"Well what do you want me to say?" she huffed, glaring at him. "I'm in a bad mood. So sue me."

"You know, I _was_ going to become a lawyer, before my parents had their way with me," he said distractedly.

"You are absolutely frustrating."

"I know." He nodded. "But that's something that grows on you. Trust me."

>>>

He had less than a restful sleep - in fact horrible. The unexpected liplock that he shared with Deb had his head spinning. John had heard his grandmother's croonings when Deb first showed up at his doorstep during their med school days. It wasn't too long after he had introduced the two, that his grandmother began subtly hinting that he should possibly 'look into getting a young woman such as that'.

It had always been about settling down and bringing in a new generation of Carters to John. He imagined the only reason for the push was that Gamma had been itching to see great grandchildren in her midst. So when the perfect mixture of intelligence and upper-class beauty showed up at their door, she had to give it the old college try.

Although it was not his Gamma, that had him unable to stop thinking about the kiss. If he dwelt on it long enough, John could recall the feel of her in his arms and the softness of her lips. And the biggest problem was not that - it was how he did not want it to stop.

John wouldn't deny that he had contemplait would be like to kiss Deb. After years of friendship and knowing someone, you'd be a liar for saying that you never had. He was pretty sure that men fantasized what it would be like with every women they met, with the exception of mothers, sisters and other family members - although working at County had taught him that assumption could be a little less taboo than he would have liked. He had imagined it would be like kissing a sister or a cousin. _Slight affection or even maybe laughing afterwards._

But it hadn't been like that at all.

Deb was his closest friend. He had learned to depend on her for honest and even sometimes cruel feedback, and vice versa. They hung out in their spare time, when neither of them had 'attachments'. And even when they did, they had always managed to hook up somewhere along the line, whether it was to slight the new 'person' in each other's lives or for something else.

But to be together?

The thought made him groan inwardly. He had figured things out. He had decided to cut women out of his life completely - and that idea had taken himself weeks to swallow. Everything seemed right and he suddenly had peace. No more turmoil and pining after women who couldn't make up their mind or who had a career to chase. It had been right.

And then BAM. Here was Deb.

She was smart, understanding, witty, a great doctor...and well, sexy. _Sexy._ He was man enough to admit it. He could be objective and see her that way. He knew other men did. But did _he_ see her in _that_ way?

Her mischievous face flashed in front of his eyes. Closing his eyes, John pulled a pillow over his face. No, how could he? The image of her standing on his doorstep, in her sweet, yet somehow sexy outfit came to mind. He remembered feeling like he was gawking - he probably was. He stopped right there.

_God help me, but I think I do._

>>>

"Okay, you know how we talked about not having relationships?" Abby hedged, as she nursed the styrofoam cup in her hand. "Well, I think I might have reneged on that part of the deal."

"Reneged?" Derek arched his brow. "I don't think that you understand the purpose of being single for a while," he sighed. "Because it has nothing to do with just will power, but about finding yourself without a crutch."

"I know," she sighed, hearing the words that she feared would come. "But we're taking it slow."

"Slow or at full speed, you need to just sit with yourself, Abby."

Part of her understood what Derek was saying. She really did. It was like her whole life was always about someone else, and never about her. That was why she drank - to deal with the junk that she was just stuffing down. Or at least part of the reason why she didn't stop drinking. But Luka...was different. He was there as a friend and wanting something more. And he was willing to wait. "I'm no spring chicken here," she said jokingly. "This may be the last chance I get."

"Don't fall back on sarcasm and jokes to excuse this, Abby." Derek sat down in front of her and looked her in the eye. She had been making progress - real progress. He was almost prepared to say that she had gained a strong foundation to build on; but here she was trying to tear it all down again. "You cannot enter a relationship with someone until you've dealt with your inability to acknowledge that you're not in control - you can't control everything," he explained with concern. "I understand your desire to be with someone, but you're not ready."

"You know you can't stop me from seeing him," Abby chuckled in disbelief of what she was hearing. It felt like she was in high school and she was being told whom she could not date. "I'm a grown woman."

"You're right. I can't stop you from doing it." He nodded slowly, all the while his eyes never leaving hers. "But just let me say this," he said knowingly. "That this is the exact same attitude that takes you back into the bottle."

"What?"

"You think you're ready. You think you're strong enough to handle a relationship." He shook his head, hoping these words would ring true. Derek knew what it was like to find someone you so strongly want to be with, but for Abby it would be a stumbling stone. "This man, whoever it is, wants something from you that you don't have to give...not yet."

"You're making this bigger than it has to be," she scoffed, though her chest began to tighten as his words hit her. "Luka would not do anything to hurt me." She paused a moment. "I wouldn't let him."

And then he saw it. He knew where to go.

"But it doesn't have to be his fault. One mis-step, a break-up, and you'd lose yourself."

"I have never _lost_ myself in a guy," she exclaimed irritably. "I am my own person."

He pretended to ponder this a moment, tapping his index finger against his lips. "You don't let them get close enough?"

"N-no," she stammered. "I...Everyone needs their space."

"Abby," he said softly. "We've talked about this a few times before - your broken relationships and how you feel like a failure when it ends."

"Yes," she said impatiently. "So?"

"So maybe if you give yourself time to find yourself - be strong in yourself - you won't have to be scared to give yourself to someone. Because from what you've told me," he said thoughtfully. "That's what you think is your problem - why it never works."

"No...this...it's different this time." She couldn't imagine what Luka would say. He seemed all right with the idea of taking it slow. But for her to now tell him that they weren't going to start something? "Luka understands...He loves me."

"And what a better reason to _not_ do this?"

She hated this. He was talking in circles - always coming back to the same point. She was not ready to see anyone.

"If you truly care about him, doesn't he deserve all of you?"

"You're making me out to be a bigger basket-case than I am," she declared. "I'm _not_ that messed up."

"I'm not saying that you are," Derek sighed. "I'm just saying give it a few months. Find out what you want from yourself and how that fits in with managing with the addiction. It's not forever. I'm just saying not right now.

"I don't have any control over your decisions, Abby. But I strongly urge you to reconsider."

His words were jumbling together that they were actually beginning to hit a nerve with her, and that bothered her the most. Abby knew that there were things holding her back...Things that were keeping her from having a real relationship, and a happy life. But how would Luka take this? Would he see this as her rejecting him, when they had just started build trust in each other? Was this their only shot?

Or would he wait until she was truly ready to actually love someone?

>>>

"You kissed?" Jen sat there open-mouthed and slack-jawed. "You _kissed_" she repeated again. "You kissed!" This time it came out more of a squeal.

Jing Me had to tell someone, so she thought Jen was her best bet, right at this point. _I mean, she is going to be a part of the family._ "Don't get to excited there," she said with a sigh. "Because it was a big mistake."

"Mistake?" Her brother's fiancee shook her head in disbelief. "You're joking, right? Because you have been wanting to get together with him ever since I've known you. Or at least, Stephen pointed it out and I agreed after observing the two of you together."

"He's sworn off dating all together," Jing Mei lamented. "So it was a huge HUGE mistake. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Oh," Jen said, her enthusiasm waned slightly. She bit the bottom of her lip and then raised a thoughtful brow. "But how did he take it?"

Jing Mei frowned. "What do you mean, 'how did he take it'?"

"I mean, did he shrink away in horror?"

"I don't see the point of dissecting this whole embarrassing tale." Jing Mei didn't quite know where Jen was going with all of this. She had just told her where she and John stood, which was nowhere.

"Just humor me," the auburn haired woman said leaning over.

"He..." She paused for a moment, trying to recall what she saw in his eyes when they broke from the ill-fated kiss. It had been unplanned, impulsive and stupid; but to have his arms wrapped around her, his lips on hers..._His arms wrapped around her..._ He had...well, responded to her. Her heart sped up at the thought. "I-I don't remember," she said, dismissing the notion.

"You don't remember?" Jen exclaimed in disbelief. "I don't think so, missy!"

"I don't," Jing Mei said more firmly this time. "It happened really fast and...and I got out of there as soon as I could."

Jen seemed to eye her, as if weighing whether to believe her or not. Jing Mei steeled herself for a barrage of questions from her soon-to-be sister-in-law. But none of it came. Instead, she watched Jen nod slowly, as if coming to her senses, and smiling. "Okay."

"Okay?" Why did she have the sneaking suspicion that that wasn't what Jen really meant.

"Yeah," she shrugged casually, leaning back into the comfort of the couch. "I mean, I don't have any reason to think you'd lie to me, right?"

"O-Of course not," Jing Mei stammered, partly relieved that Jen would let it go that easily, and partly suspicious that the redhead was up to something. "I don't have any reason to." She plastered on an ingratiating smile.

_Oh something was up. _

"Well then," Jen said, clapping her hands together. "What do you think Stephen will want for supper?"

"Sure." She pushed herself up out of the chair and followed Jen into the kitchen area. Jing Mei forced herself to keep from shaking her head.

There was no way this was the end of it. Peering from underneath her eyelashes, she watched Jen maneuver around the kitchen at ease. She was definitely up to something. _Who knew she could be so sneaky?_


	30. 30

**Softly Awaken**

Chapter Thirty

------

_What a man desires is unfailing love..._

- Prov. 19:22

------

"Hi!" Abby smiled as she opened the door to her apartment. She had been expecting Luka, but for some reason her heart sped at the sight of him. Taking a deep breath, she gestured for him to enter. "Thanks for coming over."

"Seemed kind of urgent?"

Abby closed her eyes, leaning briefly against her door as she closed it, trying to gather her thoughts. Derek had managed to convince her to be smart about her sobriety by being smart about her choices. In the face of reality, Abby knew he had been right when he talked about getting her own act together before trying to bring in any baggage from anyone else. She had warred over it and he had won. "It's not something big," she hedged slightly. "But it kind of does effect you."

He looked at her warily.

"You know how we said we were going to give us another try?" she continued on, walking past him. "Well, my sponsor heard about it..."

"Derek?"

"Uh, yeah." She was put off balance, forgetting that Luka actually had met her sponsor; in fact, he had introduced her to him. She smiled briefly before remembering what she was trying to say. "Well, Derek, heard about us and well," she took a deep breath, "he didn't think it was a good idea." Abby tensed, ready for his reaction, whether it was hurt or anger; she knew that it was about to blow.

"W-What do you mean?" There was no big emotional blow up, no incredulous disbelief or cries of foul.

"He thought I was moving to fast," Abby explained, completely taken aback at how calm he was reacting. "Well, how he explained it was that I needed some 'me' time." It sounded absurd when she said it, but to a recovering alcoholic it made complete sense. She had to re-create her identity apart from the booze. "And I know how stupid it sounds, because that's what I thought at first. But after a little bit of thought, it doesn't. It really doesn't. And I know what I said before. I told you that I wanted to try and now here I am telling you we need to put it on hold."

"Is that what you're saying?" he asked seriously.

"Is what, what I'm saying?" she said, confused at where they even were on the conversation.

"That you want to put it on hold?"

Was that what she was saying? Abby sat down across from where Luka was standing. What was she saying? Was she making promises she couldn't keep? "I don't want to hurt you, Luka," she breathed, wringing her hands. "I just don't want to mess up again."

She couldn't read him. She couldn't tell whether he was ready to tell her to go jump off a cliff or whether he understood. _What man in his mind would understand?_ Even to her own mind, it took a lot to grasp why this made sense, let alone for Luka to understand and stay by her side.

"So what you said the other night?"

"Luka," Abby said his name slowly and deliberately, locking gazes with him. She wanted him to know how sincere she was. "I never meant to jerk you around. I meant what I said..."

"You never made any promises," Luka said solemnly, as if in deep thought.

"But I..."

"Look Abby, I understand," he interrupted, turning away. "You've still got a lot of stuff you need to..." His voice trailed off.

She could see the doubt in his eyes. Abby could see the hurt. She could see the crumbling hope.

"No," she said, jumping up and grabbing his arm. Part of her was afraid this would happen. She was afraid she would say it right or that he would jump to the wrong conclusion. Or worse, Abby was afraid he would hear everything right and still walk away. "Please, I don't think you understand." Her heart was pounding. What she was about to ask him was unthinkable. Who in their right mind would agree to such a thing?

And in that moment where his dark eyes searched his, she prayed it would be him.

"Luka, wait for me. Just tell me you will wait for me."

--&--

"A date?"

Jing Mei thought it sounded insane herself. In fact she couldn't believe she was standing there in front of him say those words. "Yeah. Henry, do you want to go on a date with me?"

He looked at her curiously and then around him. It was like he was debating whether he was on camera or something. "Are you serious?" he laughed in disbelief.

"I'm dead serious." Jing Mei had never felt so awkward and uncomfortable in her entire life. Well, with the exception of kissing John. "I'm asking you on a date."

"Dr. Chen, you know this could be construed as sexual harassment!" he exclaimed, teasingly.

"Oh forget it," she groaned. It had been a spur-of-the-moment idea. Jing Mei had been brooding for days; but it had been that morning when she had decided to stop. She had to take control of her own life. The dreams she had for a life with John had never materialized and it was time to put that dream to rest. She now needed to move on.

"No," Henry said, grabbing her wrist. "Don't say that."

"It was a stupid idea." Henry had just broken up with Grace and he seemed like a prime candidate. "Just forget about it."

"No," he shook his head, "let's do it."

"Really?"

"Hey, two people who are hung up on two different people going on a date?" he said incredulously. "Doesn't that sound like the makings of some cheesy romantic movie cliche? Obviously we'll fall madly in love and forget about our fomer flames."

Jing Mei laughed out loud. She smiled at him and sighed. He could always make her laugh, which was definitely a bonus. It may not have been the beginning of some chemical romance, but it was a decent start. Even if she couldn't have that epic romance, Jing Mei would settle for a sweet guy like Henry. "Great."

"I'll pick you up for dinner and a movie?"

"Nothing like a typical American first date," she smiled, leaning over and kissing Henry on the cheek. "I'll see you tonight."

--&--

"Are you going through withdrawal," asked the grey-haired matriarch rather cheekily, obviously amused at his torment.

"Very funny, Gamma," John replied drolly. "You must be watching more of the comedy network lately."

He had been doing great with his resolve to no longer date anyone. It had made even more sense nowadays. As his shifts at Country seemed to draw out longer, not even leaving him enough time to get a decent night's sleep, John felt he had made the right decision. But of course it didn't make it easier on the nights where it was called upon him to go to a charity gala night or a formal foundation dinner.

"Well, do you not see how impractical this whole concept is?" she snapped impatiently. "You have an obligation to this family John Truman Carter."

"To what?" he scoffed. "To produce an heir? That's a little far-fetched and dated even for you, Gamma."

"Well, I refuse to believe you just stopped liking the opposite sex, John." She looked at him sternly. "I've witnessed much evidence to the contrary," she said slyly.

"Well, I haven't found her yet," John exclaimed irritably. "So what makes you think I'm going to find her in the next few weeks? I'm tired of trying."

"That's ridiculous."

"What's so ridiculous about it? Every woman I've brought home to you has been 'unsuitable'," he breathed deeply, "for you anyways. So who _is_ the right one, Gamma? Unless I let you pick her for me, and that is just not going to happen."

"You think I would do so badly?" She eyed him critically.

"It doesn't matter if you pick the most amazing woman in the world!" he cried out in frustration. "I'd find someway to screw it up. Or she wouldn't want me. Me and women just don't seem to mix. Or at least for very long."

"Well, that's just absurd John. Just a figment of your imagination."

He raised a questioning brow.

"All right," she sighed, resigning herself to his track record. "Maybe you've had a little streak of bad luck. But that shouldn't bring you to call the whole thing off. There are plenty of women right in front of you..." There was a silent implication, but she would not speak its' name.

"I'm not talking about this," he shook his head at his grandmother, "anymore."

"John," she said, causing him to stop in his tracks. "Do you know how I saw the other night?"

He closed his eyes, knowing he could not get out of this conversation if he tried. "No," he groaned, wanting to hide in his room like a brooding seventeen year-old. "Who?"

"Jing Mei Chen," she answered matter-of-factly. "Last night at the Cultural Arts exhibit."

"That's nice, Gamma."

"She had a nice gentlman escorting her, as well."

His head tilted slightly as his interest perked slightly. "And?" he said, trying to sound casual about wanting details.

"Well he was a very nice man. Asian doctor, I believe," she said, her gaze locked upon her grandson's reaction. "They looked very friendly."

"Henry?" John was certain it was her colleague and friend. Who else could it have been?

"Yes, I do believe that was his name," she replied cheerfully. "It's so nice that she's finally found herself a man. She really deserves someone as respectable and...and he was so funny." She sounded slightly distracted when she finished her thought.

"He's not her boyfriend, Gamma," he groaned, wondering how many people his grandmother had taken part of this unwitting rumor-based gossip. "They work together and are just friends."

"Are you certain, John?" She looked at him slightly confused. "Because I'm sure..."

"I'm sure." He knew they were just friends. She had mentioned long ago that she only felt friendship for the man. John couldn't believe Gamma would miscontrue something so obvious as this...He turned to head up to his room.

"Well, then why did she introduce him as her boyfriend?"

John stopped mid-stride. "She _said_ boyfriend?" he asked, turning on his heel. "She specifically used the word 'boyfriend'?"

"Yes."

"You're sure you just didn't hear wrong?"

"Well, of course not, John," she scoffed, furrowing her brow at him. "I maybe an old woman by your standards, but I do still have my hearing. I'm not deaf."

"Maybe she just said friend?" he suggested, trying to wrap his mind around what Gamma was saying. She would have told him if something new like this had come up. Wouldn't she?

"I'm _sure_ of what I heard, John."

He didn't understand. Part of him was surprised that she would even date the guy. It wasn't because he was horrible or anything; but he was far from Deb's type. _What is Deb's type?_ Suddenly John didn't feel all that well. Why did bother him so much? He wasn't sure why. He wasn't sure at all.

Or maybe he just didn't want to know why.


	31. 31

**Softly Awaken**

Chapter Thirty One

For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be...

- 1 Cor. 12:20

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Henry hedged, setting the dining table with cutlery. "Because I don't know if _I_ think this is a good idea."

"I think you're strong enough to face the music," Jing Mei chuckled, nudging Henry with her elbow as she put the final touches on the table.

Inviting many of her friends from County, as well as from Mercy to meet, was definitely a challenge. But she managed to keep the numbers intimate so neither group would be overwhelmed. Besides, she had invited a few from each group so neither would find themselves alone, unable to strike up a conversation with anyone.

"Hey, we've been dating for a couple of months now," he said skeptically. "So you know how well I do in a crowd of strangers."

"They aren't strangers," she chided, slipping into the kitchen. "And you have never had a problem with public speaking. Not once. Just ask the nurses in the E.R."

"Are you calling me a gossip?"

She poked her head from behind the counter and raised a questioning brow. "No comment."

"Well, I don't need to take this kind of abuse!" he exclaimed, feigning offense. "I guess I'll just have to lea..."

"Oh, you're not getting out of this one so easily," she said, wagging her finger at the man reaching for his coat. "You're in it for the long haul, mister."

Henry let out a disheartened groan. He looked at Jing Mei, hoping the woman would take pity on him. She just shook her head at him and went back to tending the several cooking pots on the stove. The woman had a heart of stone. Even his puppy dog eyes fazed her! "Well, then remind me who's attending this soiree, again?" he asked, resigning himself to his fate.

"Well, Grace and Bobby are coming from Mercy," she said thoughtfully, trying to recall who all she had invited. "Luka, Abby, Susan and John from County. Oh, and Stephen and Jen, too."

"Heeeeey," he pouted. "No fair. Three against like 50!"

"Oh don't be so melodramatic, " Jing Mei laughed, while stirring her chocolate sauce for the fondue. "It's pretty even. There's five to their four."

"Hey," Henry pointed his finger, narrowing his eyes, "you don't count for our side. And Jen doesn't work at Mercy. She's a Mercy associate by marriage...or will be in about five months."

"Hey, who's discounting my beautiful fiancee?" Stephen cried out in dismay, swinging Jing Mei's door open. "I'll have you know she's spent enough time at Mercy to know more of the staff than you, my friend!"

"Hey, you sneak up on us like that," Jing Mei yelped, pointing her wooden spoon at her brother, who swaggered into her apartment with Jen in arm. "I'm going to take my apartment key back."

"No, you won't," Stephen said rolling his eyes. Strolling up along side his sister, he planted a wet kiss on her cheek. "Because you just love me too darn much." He batted his long eyelashes at his sister.

"Oh, git!" Jing Mei pretended to kick him in the rear, giving him a light tap in the derriere. "I don't want to hear anything from you."

"How would you guess that they siblings?" Henry said to Jen, who stood giggling at the display of playful affection.

"Hey, you're going to have to get used to it," Jen warned, leaning over to Henry. "If you're going to become part of the family."

Suddenly it became uncomfortably silent. Jing Mei glanced over at Henry, who seemed to enjoy the teasing. She, on the other hand, had not even gotten that far in surmising where her relationship with Henry was going.

"Is this where the party is?" Susan interrupted, waving a bottle of wine in hand.

"You do know this was not BYOA?" Jing Mei teased, slipping off her apron and grabbing the bottle from her friend's grip. Giving her a squeeze, she introduced Susan to Henry, Stephen and Jen.

"Wow, looks like it's going to be quite a party," Susan commented, as she glanced over her shoulder, as two people walked in.

"Grace, Bobby..." Jing Mei took their coats. "Thanks for coming," she smiled, giving Grace a hug."

"Well if there's food," Grace groaned, poking Bobby in the stomach. "He'll be there."

"Grace," Henry said stiffly. "Bobby."

"Uh, hi, Henry," Grace smiled briefly.

Jing Mei glanced between the two ex's. She had hoped they could be civil, especially Henry and Bobby. Grace dating Bobby was still somewhat of a sore point with Henry. Jing Mei knew how much he had cared about her, when Bobby swooped in with chocolates, flowers and sweet words at a time where they were hitting a rough patch. "Why don't you guys have a seat?" she said, pointing towards the dining table. "The others should be arriving soon."

"Who else did you invite?" Stephen chuckled, surveying the table, which was somewhat crowded with chairs. "What? Are we going to eat without the use of our arms?"

"Ha ha," she glared at her brother. "No. It's fondue tonight. We've got an assortment of stuff, so it should be all right even for _your_ picky palate."

"Well, it smells delicious from here," Grace chirped, as she sat down at the table. "I'm actually starving."

"Where are the tardies, anyway?" Bobby growled, wrapping his arm around Grace. "Or is that what we can expect from County General's finest?"

"Give it a rest, Bobby." Jing Mei rolled her eyes. She really hadn't intended on inviting Bobby, but once she had invited Grace, the girl assumed her boyfriend was also on the list. And she couldn't tell the poor girl, no.

"Hey," Luka said, poking his head around the corner. "Is this where one Dr. Chen lives?"

"Luka!" Stephen exclaimed, shaking his hand and giving him a pat on the back. "Good to see you."

"Uh, hi?" Abby stepped from behind Luka. "Is this where the dinner is?" she hedged, looking somewhat uneasy.

"Yes," Jing Mei said happily. "Come on in!"

"Sorry, we're late," Luka apologized, slipping off his coat. Holding his hand out for Abby's jacket, as well. "Traffic."

"Uh, 'we'?" Stephen raised a mischievous brow.

"Come on in," Jing Mei coughed, jabbing her brother in the side for the inconsiderately putting her friends on the spot. "We're just waiting for one more."

"Wow," Luka chuckled. "We have room for one more?"

Jing Mei narrowed her eyes at the attempt at comedy.

"Keep walkin', my friend," Stephen coughed, slipping his arm protectively around his friend. "Just keep walking."

Jing Mei glanced at the clock. She knew John was on call. So if there had been an emergency he might not have gotten the chance to give her a call. But still, she wished she knew where...

"I'm soooooo sorry!" John apologized profusely. "I got called in last minute. And you know how it gets in the ER. I just didn't even realize how late it was."

"John!" Jing Mei clapped her hands and turned to her guests. "Well, we can get started," she announced. "Now that the last guest is here."

"Wow, I didn't expect so many people," John exclaimed, shrugging off his jacket. "Is there enough room?" All eyes fell on him, as Jing Mei just shook her head and grabbed his arm and dragged him to the table. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

--&--

"So _are_ you two...together?" Jen asked, keeping her voice low as she leaned into Luka. The dinner had wrapped up, they were now in the lounging stage of the night. Everyone had left the table and were milling around the living room and kitchen area.

Luka was mid-sip and he nearly choked at the sudden inquiry. "Uh, hmm?"

"Sorry, I'm not usually nosy, but you guys were being so sweet at the dinner table and you did say that you arrived together," she explained, nearly rambling, as she followed his gaze across the room where Abby was chatting with John and Jing Mei. "If you don't want to say, you can just tell me to shut up."

"Uh, okay," he said awkwardly. "I don't really know how to respond to that."

"Well, I don't know why I'm sticking my nose in it anyways," Jen blurted out. "It's just that I thought I had heard that you guys had worked something out. Or am I totally off?"

"We're not...together _together_," Luka hedged. "But we're figuring things out."

"That's _great_!" Jen looked up excitedly at him. "It sounds like she's really opening up to the idea of you two being real together," she said almost bubbling over. "I'm so happy for you!"

"You make it sound like she's considering a marriage proposal," he chuckled nervously, his eyes remaining on the animated woman who made his heart race without a word. "And it's definitely not even going there."

"You never know," she said almost with a sing-song melody. "You just never know."

--&--

"So you and Henry," Abby hedged. She hated all the pretension. It was awkward at best to pretend she and Jing Mei were even close friends. Actually she was surprised that she had been invited at all. "You seem to be doing...well."

"Yeah," Jing Mei glanced over her shoulder at the man who was tearing it up with Susan and Grace, "he's really great. An awesome guy."

Abby frowned at those words. It certainly didn't seem to ring true, judging from the expression on her face. For as long as she had known Dr. Chen, she seemed quite lively and passionate about the things she did, and possibly the people she cared about. She had witnessed it when her brother had been brought in after his accident. But with the man she had been dating and people had been hinting about an altar walk, Jing Mei didn't seem to be the least smitten. In fact, Abby felt like Jing Mei was trying to convince herself of her choice of companion.

"But what about you?" Jing Mei would have had to have been blind not to notice the looks that she and Luka had been giving each other. As well as the not so subtle remarks from Stephen and Jen. "Are you seeing anyone?" she asked, casually sipping her wine. "Not to pry or anything."

"Uh, not really," she replied, sipping her virgin margarita. "I'm kind of focusing on being on my own right now."

"So then, you and Luka," Jing Mei smirked, glancing back at the man who had not taken his eyes off of her since they had arrived. "Are just friends?"

"You could say that we're..._good_ friends."

Jing Mei was about to remark when John sidled alongside Abby. "So ladies, what's all the chatter about?" he said slying, implying secrets were being passed along from ex-colleague to ex-girlfriend. "Hopefully not about yours truly."

Jing Mei and Abby both rolled their eyes. "Wow, has your apartment always been this small?" Abby asked, her tone tinged with sarcasm. "Because I don't know how you fit all of these people in, _and_ John's ballooning ego as well."

"Hey," John gasped, as the corners of his lips drooped. "Not nice. I was just asking."

"Sometimes you can be such a little boy, John," Jing Mei laughed. "We were talking about me and Henry if you must know."

"Oh yeah?" he nodded curiously. "So how's that going for you?"

Abby rolled her eyes and sighed. "I think I need some fresh air," she chuckled, pointing to the balcony. "If you'll excuse me."

"Sure," Jing Mei nodded. "Yeah, it's structurally sound, unlike some of the apartment buildings around here." She smiled wryly.

"Oh, good to know," she said sarcastically, as she left the noise of the party. Abby just needed to clear her head. She didn't necessarily do well in crowds. "Talk to you later, Carter."

"Uh yeah," he breathed, briefly glancing her way. He was a little distracted. "So what's up with you and Henry?" He had wanted the question to sound casual, but he didn't think he succeed from the expression on Deb's face. They looked like the 'happy couple'. But he couldn't help but feel something else.

"Nothing." Jing Mei furrowed her brow at the intonation of his inquisition. For some reason it sounded like he was expecting something to be wrong. "We're doing good," she replied, taking a sip from her wine glass. Jing Mei realized at that moment how long it had been since she had talked with John. She had confirmed that she was dating Henry, but besides that, they had little or no contact. "What about you? You're still keeping to your life of celibacy?"

"Hey, I never swore to a life of celibacy," John protested. "I just said I'm swearing off women."

"Well, how's that going for you then?" Tomato. Tom-_mato_

"Good," John smiled, nodding emphatically. He was fine. He was busy with work, concentrating on his career; in fact, he really didn't have time for a love life. "Actually great!"

Jing Mei raised a knowing brow. "Well, that's good to hear," she replied, taking another sip of her wine and trying not to laugh at how obviously miserable he was. "I guess we've made the right choices then?"

--&--

"Hi." Luka gently nudged Abby with his shoulder, as he stood beside her on the balcony, staring out into the cityscape.

"Uh, hi," Abby replied softly, startled at the arrival of company. She had been so deep in thought that she hadn't noticed him sneaking up on her. "I didn't see you."

"Yeah," he breathed, resting his arms against the railing. "I noticed."

"So have you been getting the third degree about us tonight?"

"A little," he chuckled. "I didn't really say much."

"Who knew our love lives would be such great watercooler conversation," Abby commented awkwardly. "You know, it really is kind of..." She didn't know what to call it. It was completely inappropriate. Unless etiquette within social circles had completely changed since the last time she was at a dinner party. Not that she had been to too many.

"Horrifying?" Luka offered, leaning into her.

Abby raised both brows, contemplating his suggestion before laughing, "Uh yeah. That kind of sums it up."

"Yeah, I understand," he sighed, pushing off against the railing. Turning around, he rested his back against the railing, now facing her. "It's kind of hard to explain...our relationship. Or lack of one?"

"W-we have a relationship," she hedged. "It's just not your average boy-meets-girl kind of fairytale." Abby watched as Luka nodded in agreement, smiling and turning his head away. She wondered, really wondered whether he was happy with the way things were. Had she asked too much of him? "Of course, no one's obligated to one another. I mean, I completely understand that it's a different situation...complicated and...and uncomfortable..."

"I'm happy," he interrupted her, not allowing her to finish her ramblings. "I'm happy with the way things are."

Was that true? Abby had to question his motivation for saying those words. How could anyone be happy waiting for an alcoholic to be all right with herself? "Luka," she breathed, shaking her head. "You don't have to..."

"Abby, I know what I want," he said, interrupting her again. Luka knew what she was going to say. She wanted to give him a way out, but he didn't want one. He knew what he wanted, and she was what he wanted. "And I don't care what other people think. Or how complicated this situation is to explain to other people. You are what I want."

The words struck her like a cold wind, causing her to take a sharp breath. Her chest tightened at the intensity of the words and the meaning behind them. As she met his gaze, those dark usually brooding eyes, which were anything but brooding at this moment, she felt her stomach do a flip flop. Abby knew he meant it. It was almost like she could see her through his eyes. He didn't see the problem drunk, who had a manic mother and issues to deal with. He just saw her. It was the girl who had all of these hopes and dreams that had fallen apart or hadn't come true yet; but she held out of hope. She always had hope. "Thank you," she whispered, resting her hand on his arm.

"For what?" He wasn't sure when it was, or if he had missed it with a blink of an eye, but something about her had changed in that moment.

"Thank you for seeing me," she replied. "And thank you for helping me see me again."

--&--

Jing Mei waved at Grace and Bobby as they headed towards the elevator, closing the door behind her. The party had been a success. It had been fun for the most part. People had interacted fairly well, with everyone having at least one thing in common, if not more. All that remained of her guests were John and Henry. John had somehow misplaced his car keys and could not for the life of him find them. Henry was at the moment trying to help him find them. "Okay, this is ridiculous! Did you throw them over the balcony?" she laughed, joining the search.

"I'm serious, this isn't funny at all," John proclaimed, as his arm was almost enveloped by the whole of her couch. "I swear I had them in my jacket pocket."

"Henry, any luck?"

"No," he replied, peering from out of the closet. "Though I did find a quarter and a really nice pen." He waved the shiny writing utensil in front of everyone. "Which I'm keeping by the way."

"Don't you have rounds tomorrow?" Jing Mei asked, glancing at the clock. It was almost midnight. She hadn't realized how late it had gotten.

"Yup, early morning rounds. Gotta love those," Henry groaned. "I don't know why I don't strike until we get that policy changed."

"Yeah, that's a fight you'd win," she laughed, peering under the dining table. "Marcy would have your you-know-what's in a vice before you could say strike."

"Okay, that's not a mental picture I want before I head to bed," he exclaimed miserably. "Thanks."

"Um, should I leave the two of you alone?" John said, glancing between the two of them.

Jing Mei and Henry looked at each other and then burst out laughing.

"No, but really," John said, running his hands through his hair. "I didn't even think about you two...um..."

Jing Mei suddenly realized what John was saying. "Uh, no," she blurted out. "We're not...uh, we're not." She glanced over at Henry, who had this quizzical expression on his face. Apparently he didn't quite understand what John was hinting at. "You don't have to worry, uh, if we can't find your keys, Henry can drop you off on his way _home_."

Suddenly a light dawned on Henry's face. "Oh yeah," he nodded, glancing at Jing Mei. "I can drop you off if you want."

"No, that's all right. I can take a taxi home" John hedged, still unsure that they weren't just saying this to set him at ease. "But if you don't mind, Deb, I would really like to try to find them before I leave. Gamma would have a field day over this. Unless you have to work tomorrow?"

"No, I'm off. But yeah," Jing Mei giggled. "She would, wouldn't she."

John made a face at her for the lack of empathy on his part.

"Are you sure you don't want a ride home?" Henry offered.

"Yeah, no, thanks. I appreciate the offer though," John said, dismissing the offer. "I'll just take a cab home." He walked over to where Deb was searching. "Are you sure you don't mind me staying a little longer?"

"No," she shrugged. "I don't have to be up early for anything."

"Great."

"But I do," Henry groaned again. "And if you don't mind, I'm gonna header."

"Oh, really?" Jing Mei replied slightly surprised. "You're heading home now?"

"I know the extra pair of hands would be appreciated, but I am beat," he sighed, yawning slightly. "So I'd better get home to my comfy, warm bed."

John had moved back over to the couch to search, but he couldn't help but notice the slight display of affection, as Deb snuggled up against Henry, as he began to whisper into her ear, as they moved towards the door. Suddenly he had the overwhelming urge to gag. _You have to stop that. Henry's a good guy._ John liked the guy. He did. But for some reason the idea of Deb dating the man, and watching them make out made his skin crawl.

"I'll talk to you later," Jing Mei whispered, glancing over at John, as she snuggled closer to Henry. "Maybe when you're in your nice comfy warm bed."

"You're being very affection tonight," Henry chuckled as he kissed her on the lips. "But hey, I could get used to it."

Jing Mei pulled away slightly, unsettled by his observation. "I'm always affectionate," she said trying to shake off the feeling of guilt that suddenly washed over her. She was not putting on a show because John was there. Jing Mei wrestled with that thought as she kissed Henry one last time before walking him to the door.

"I'll call you tomorrow," Henry said softly, pulling her in close for a kiss. "Bye baby."

Jing Mei bit her bottom lip as she closed the door behind her. She hated the doubts that were now suddenly running through her head. As John was buried under a mound of cushions and pillows, she could not help but wonder if she would ever be over her unrequited love for him.

"HA!"

Jing Mei jumped, as she was pulled out of her own thoughts, by John's victorious dance. "You found them?" she said, smiling wearily. "That's great. Where were they?"

"Uh, in myjacketpocket?" he mumbled.

"What?"

"Uh, they were in my jacket pocket," John repeated himself, as he began to place the square cushions into their rightful positions. "I found them in my jacket pocket."

"Okay," she drawled, as she walked over to where John was standing. "Tell me you checked your pockets before you had me and Henry tearing my apartment apart?"

"I did," he exclaimed. "But I couldn't find them!"

"I can't believe you," she said, shaking her head. "That's just...that's just horrible." She burst out laughing.

"You're not going to let me hear the end of this, are you?" John eyed Deb as she fell back onto her couch laughing.

"Should I?"

"Uh, yes?"

"Uh no," she said shaking her head.

"Well, other than the key thing," he said, trying to change the subject. "The dinner party seemed to go over well."

"You think so?" she asked, grabbing a pillow off the floor and clutching it to her chest. "I mean, no one got bored?"

"Everything seemed to go off without a hitch."

"That's good."

John could see relief flash over her face. She really looked good tonight. But then again, she always did. She was always subtle. Most of the time, not wearing make up at all. _And where did that come from?_

"Do you work tomorrow?" Jing Mei asked, glancing at the clock. "Because you're going to be dead if you've got an early shift."

"No, I'm off too." John swirled around, checking to see if he had left anything else behind.

"Oh." Jing Mei suddenly had no idea what else to say. She really did not want to talk about fluff stuff or work. And that only left one thing.

Suddenly he found himself standing alone with her in her apartment. Not an unusual occurance, but now it couldn't have been more...awkward. "So you and Henry, huh?"

"Uh yeah," she nodded, really not wanting to tell John about her love life.

"You seem to make a nice...couple." John didn't know what else to say about it. What he really wanted to ask was why she was dating him at all.

"Uh, and what does that mean?" Jing Mei furrowed her brow. Again with that same intonation she had heard earlier on that night before their conversation was interrupted by additional people.

"What?"

"You made it sound like..." How was she supposed to put it? "You sound like you want to say something else," she said suddenly defensive. "So if you have something to say...?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he lied, fidgeting with his coat. "I don't have a problem with Henry or you."

"You called us a 'nice couple'," she said dryly. "Obviously that implies an opinion on us. And probably not a nice one."

"What?" John shrugged, slipping on his jacket. "I don't know what you want me to say?"

"Tell me what you're thinking!" She didn't know why she was pressing the matter. She hadn't even wanted to talk about her and Henry before John had made his comment.

"If you're happy, what does it matter what I think?" he said off-handedly. "I don't know why you're getting so worked up over this."

"Well, maybe because someone who has sworn off women for good," she said irritably, "just made a polite comment, like they were talking to a stranger who didn't know any better as to what they were actually saying."

John raised his brow on that one. "Okay, you just lost me on that one."

"John, you're one of my best friends and you're telling me a cookie cutter answer," Jing Mei said matter-of-factly. "You're telling me what I want to hear. But I'm asking you what you _think_."

"Do you really want to get into this?"

"Yes."

"Well then, tell me something," John said, sitting down beside Deb. "Have you guys done it?"

"What?" Jing Mei's eyes widened at his insanely blunt question. "What does that have to do with anything!" she exclaimed, totally mortified. She didn't know what he had been drinking or who he had been talking to, but this was out of line. Her sex life? When did he begin to care about her sex life? "I mean, just because you have no love life..."

"Just answer the question," he interrupted. "Have you even thought about having sex with Henry."

_Where was he going with this?_ The words just kept tumbling out of his mouth life like oral vomit. But it just kept coming.

Jing Mei had no clue where he was going with this. In fact, she had no idea why she was actually going to answer him. "No," she replied tersely, "We haven't had sex yet. So what?"

"The Deb I know, would be all over the guy she planned on marrying," he replied.

First with sex and now marriage? It was mentioned once and she didn't believe he was actually even there for the conversation. What had been a nice quiet evening was turning into an absolute nightmare. Her head was swirling. Sex. Marriage. She had no idea how everything was connecting in his head or if anything was actually working up there. John's questions, his comments were absurd and illogical. They went nowhere. "Did you have one to many drinks?" she asked, reaching over to feel his forehead.

"No." He caught her wrist and held her hand in his. "This isn't about the sex," John sighed, not knowing where he was going with this. "This is about you dating a guy who you swore you would never date - describing him as 'just a friend'." He remembered that vividly. They even chuckled about it, as it would have been a coupe for her family to get Deb to actually date one of their 'blind dates'. "It's about listening to people talk about how you're going to marry this guy, when you've only been dating a couple of months. It's like you've gone and lost your mind because you're so scared to be alone that you're going to settle for a guy you don't really care about."

There he had said it. Those were the things that had been running through his mind for the past two months when he had to listen to Gamma gush about the beautiful couple Henry and Deb made, how she as lucky to find a guy like Henry. He knew Deb. He had gone through med school with her and through delivery for pete's sake! Did he have a right to say these things? Of course he did.

"You're _so_ out of line!" Jing Mei exclaimed, jumping up from the couch. She was shaking right now. The things he had said to her...Her mind was a jumble right now. Jing Mei had not been expecting any of this. "Where the hell do you get off saying those things about Henry or me?"

"Deb..."

"No, you listen, John," she spat, walking away from him. "You don't have a clue what I feel for him. You don't have a clue what I've thought or not thought about marriage either. You came to dinner and you figured out all of this from one night?"

Why couldn't he have cared before? Why now? When she had finally decided to move on, he decides to finally take an interest. If she could even call this that. "Be honest!" he said, getting up from the couch. "Are you even attracted to the guy?"

"Wh-what?" She threw her hands up in the air in disbelief. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the question."

"Of course I-I'm _attracted_ to Henry," she said hesitantly. Images of what she must have looked like when they had first kissed. It wasn't that she pushed away, but it had been a surprise. And it had taken time to get used to kissing this guy she had always thought of as a friend. "I never said I-I wasn't...But even if I wasn't physically attracted...that's not everything." Now she was just rambling. "Just because I don't want to jump him or anything doesn't mean..."

"But you're not," John interrupted, shaking his head incredulously. "I've seen you around guys you like - maybe even think you're in love with, granted there hasn't been a lot - and this isn't it."

"You're wro-,"

"Why are you with him?"

"What right do you have to ask me this?" Jing Mei cried out angrily. "You don't get to judge me for who I choose to date. Even if I wasn't head over heels in love with Henry, which I'm not saying I'm not, you don't get a say."

"I'm you're best friend, why don't I get to ask you what the heck you're doing?"

"Because you don't!" she said, throwing her hands in the air. "If I want to settle, that's _my_ choice."

"And that's what you've decided to do?" he challenged, pointing at her. "You're settling. You've given up and decided to settle for what? Companionship?"

"Are you saying that with disgust?" Jing Mei asked in disbelief. "Because I really can't believe you're doing that. I can't believe I would hear that from a guy who's pretty much quit looking because he sucks at choosing women. Or things don't work out."

"Well at least I tried," he retorted.

Jing Mei glared at him. She couldn't believe he just said that. "Excuse me?"

"At least I tried," John repeated himself.

"Get out." She pointed at the door.

"Deb," he hedged, realizing what he had just said.

"Get out, John," Jing Mei repeated herself, trying really hard to control the urge to hit him. "I-I just want you out."

"Deb, I didn't mean it that way," he breathed. John finally took stock of his words and accusations. He had screwed up. He had gone about this the wrong way. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Jing Mei was livid. She had never been so angry at John before. The man was clueless. He had no idea what she thought or how she felt. For him to claim to know what her motivation for dating Henry was or accuse her of not having enough guts to put herself out there was complete ignorance. "You're just," she pointed at him, "sorry?"

"Deb, all I meant was that I don't understand why you would settle?" He strode over to her, but backed off when she walked away. "You have inasmuch admitted that you're not attracted to the guy."

"You know what?" Jing Mei knew she didn't owe him an explanation, but she couldn't not say something in reply. "Henry and I like each other. We may not share this passionate love affair, but I've found that those aren't all that they're cracked up to be."

"Why do you want to do that to yourself?" he asked, slowly closing the distance between them. "You are worth so much more than that. And don't you think Henry deserves more than that?"

"We're happy," she said defensively.

"Are you?" John wanted to believe this for her. But the way he knew her, the emptiness in her eyes, he knew that it wasn't true. Reaching out, he caressed her cheek, "I want to believe you. You deserve to be happy, Deb. But this isn't the way."

"And are you going to tell me how to do it?" she asked, looking into his eyes defiantly. "You can't even find it for yourself."

"I know we both deserve more than to get through this life," John said softly, leaning in. "I think we deserve to find someone who wants us for who we are and accepts us even with our faults."

"Then why did you give up?" He was being a hypocrite.

"Because I'm tired of being the one who tries and to have them walk away." His perfect woman always turned out to be the 'not-so-perfect' woman. It wasn't until now that he realized how eschewed his method of choosing a woman was. "It's not all their fault. In fact, I know it's mine," he confessed. "And so I chose to stop. I choose to stop hurting myself and the women I put on a pedestal." However, right at that moment, he was re-thinking that choice.

He realized what it was about Deb and Henry that bothered him so much - with him, she was nowhere in his life. And in the past few months he had begun realizing how much he valued her friendship. He had begun to see how beautiful she was inside and out. "And just what am I supposed to do?" she asked, her heart racing as she realized how close he was. His touch causing the hairs on her arms to stand on end.

"You're different, Deb," he smiled softly. "You can't settle without even trying. You are so full of life and passion, how can you walk away without trying?"

_What is he doing?_ Jing Mei closed her eyes and bit the inside of her lip. _If you knew what you were asking me._ He didn't. He didn't know what he was asking her to do, and how much she just wanted to believe. "John, please don't do this," Jing Mei whispered, turning her head away. "You don't know what you're asking me to do."

"I'm just asking you to try," he whispered, turning her head until her eyes met his. It wasn't until then that he realized how close he had gotten. John felt his heart racing as he felt himself drawn in by her. "Can you tell me that you can commit to someone whom you don't feel any passion for?"

Staring into her eyes, he found that he could get lost in them. And then he found himself asking himself..._Could we have that passion?_

_I'll never get over him. I just can't seem to shake him. He won't let me._ "And what if it hurts to let myself feel?" she whispered, leaning closer. "It's easier to live without knowing."

"Are you sure?" Was he asking her or himself this question?

"Yes," she lied, closing her eyes.

Suddenly he found himself answer the question as well. "I'm not." Without another thought, John closed his eyes and pressed his lips on hers, slipping his arm around her waist. The warmth of her lips were soft and inviting. He felt her body stiffened at first, but finally give way to his desire. As she was in his arms, he was no longer haunted by the memory of how her body melted into his. It wasn't curiosity or a heightened fantasy; but the reality of her in his arms was as good as it had been the first time.

_This is happening. This was really happening._ Jing Mei slipped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss.

_If this was a dream, she didn't want to wake up._


End file.
